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Original poster

Who does what in your house? Am I a MUG

144 replies

Ginger1972 · 01/08/2017 23:03

Ongoing battles!
My DH earns £60k per year! Works 30 hours running a successful business. I know that's a lot! We do have a huge mortgage of £1200 per month and also huge bills! He is a spender
I earn a massive £13k and work part time 😢 I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food.

DH does absolutely zilch around the house! Not even emptying the kitchen bin.
I am constantly moaning as I do pretty much everything! He does cook on occasions and is brilliant at that! My 9yr old son is becoming helpful as he is being encouraged by me!
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
DH lays in bed until 9.30 every weekday morning whilst I walk the dog, get child ready for school, take child to school. DH gets 2 cups,of tea in bed (he does appreciate this). Weekends he is in bed until lunchtime
I really can't keep on top of the housework! I take my son to his sport training 4 eves a week.
Who does what in your house?
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
And.......he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!,,,,

Am I just a mug or what!!,?

OP posts:
stevie69 · 02/08/2017 14:12

I do it all: I'm the only one here Blush I work full-time, too. It's not hard to be honest as I'm pretty good about cleaning and tidying as I go along. It is very much harder, though, when you're sharing space.

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 14:15

@snoopypoodle

Our wages are our own. I like that independence and so does he.
It's never been based on a proportional split.
I pay a couple of bills, council tax and buy most of the food,

OP posts:
orzal · 02/08/2017 14:25

For me having a husband staying in bed till 9.30am during the week and lunchtime at weekends would make me furious. Fine if it's just the two of you but when you have children lie ins should be a treat for you both. 30 hours a week is not a lot of hours for him to work either.

Emboo19 · 02/08/2017 14:38

Don't suggest OP! Just stop doing it, when he asks point him in the direction of where he can pay for the services you usually provide, seen as he earns so much more than you.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2017 14:46

I want his life. Short work hours. No household responsibilities. Plenty of spends.

As him if he would like to live with a lazy, entitled alcoholic bully like you are

How men like this ever get laid, let alone find a woman to marry is beyond me!

snoopypoodle · 02/08/2017 14:50

Well in that case (if you'd be happy with that) you could always suggest writing down a 50/50 split in household chores, he can either pull up his sleeves and get stuck in or pay a cleaner to do his half as long as you don't have to worry about them.

But tbh the relationship doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 15:05

Ginger,

Did your own father behave similarly with your mother?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did they teach you?.

I can see why he likes keeping all his money as his own; it also gives him more power and control within the relationship as well and he is using that against you too. Its a very unequal relationship you have here.

When I asked you what you get out of this relationship it was in terms of your own needs being met. He really and truly is not meeting any of those is he?. Keeping cheerful in such circumstances is ultimately not going to work out, you will simply become more resentful of him as time passes. Your son will certainly notice a lot more as he becomes older too.

Your DH is a dab hand at shutting you down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 15:09

Ginger

re your comment:-
"I think if I'm true to myself, people wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth about DH. I'm not one to discuss my relationship with friends and family anyway".

You are telling us your version of truth about your DH and you are being believed here. You are also being given good counsel. Not all men act like this but there are many out there who think they are entitled to act like this and do so. I would also think that one or two of your own social circle have their own private suspicions about him too.

Re your second sentence that is likely why you've taken to writing here as well. Is it also that you do not think you would be at all believed?.

SafeToCross · 02/08/2017 15:11

Equality in cups of tea seems like a good place to start.

snoopypoodle · 02/08/2017 15:13

And just to give you some perspective Ginger.

My DP works anything from 40 to 50 (sometimes more) hours p.w.
I work pt 25hrs & look after our toddler when not working.
I usually do most cleaning as I'm home in the day.

  • He does bedtimes as I work
  • he will happily get stuck into any piles of dishes lying around if I've not managed them before work
  • he more often than not cooks lunches and dinners at weekends
  • he gets DS up in the morning on weekends (he's out of the house before DS wakes up through the week) and makes me a cup of tea/coffee
  • he will do any odd bits of work I ask him to do apart from ironing as he hates it and always has , I don't mind it
  • he will happily get DS out of my hair for a few hrs if I need it

He also shoulders most of the bills as earns a lot more.

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 15:37

Did your own father behave similarly with your mother?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did they teach you

@AttilaTheMeerkat

My Mum had an affair and left my Dad (and us 3 kids) when I was 12

My Dad was a lazy husband, drinker. My Mum had an affair and left off with his workmate...
Dad has married again, happy for 35 years and is a wonderful husband to his wife. He is very domesticated. Mind you, his wife is not one to put up with any crap.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 15:43

Ginger

I was sorry to read what happened to you at 12; your mother leaving as she did certainly has left its impression on you all. Have you seen her since?. It seems also like your dad as he was then is a carbon copy of your H now.

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 16:07

I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents.
My Mother adores my H but does think he should help me out.
Of course, he is great when they are here. He is perfect then.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2017 16:16

So it took your parents' mattiage breaking down for your mom to realise doesn't have to put up with an unsupportive lazy husband, and for your dad to realise that he shouldn't be that lazy unsupportive husband.

I wonder if your husband ever thinks about that and wonders if history will repeat itself?

gluteustothemaximus · 02/08/2017 16:19

I never ever understand how a man thinks earning more than his wife, qualifies for no longer carrying out basic everyday tasks, that he would have to do if he were single.

It's like getting a housekeeper, not a partner.

My abusive ex was like this.

My DH now could not be more opposite. And he would never ever demean me by comparing wages.

God it's so childish. I earn more than you nah nah nah nah nah, so I get to be lazy.

And 30 hours a week for 60k

gluteustothemaximus · 02/08/2017 16:22

Also ginger, it isn't 'helping you out'.

It's not 'doing you a favour' either...it's a grown adult doing his share of living; cleaning, tidying, cooking, parenting.

Because helping you out suggests it's entirely your 'job' and you should be grateful for his help, when he decides to bestow you with it.

MyheartbelongstoG · 02/08/2017 16:38

Yep, mug.

Fairenuff · 02/08/2017 16:43

Yep, you're a mug.

AhNowTed · 02/08/2017 17:34

Yep you're a mug. And you know that already.

You also know doing his own ironing doesn't cut it. Bloody ridiculous.

What else are you going to address?

TwoBusyCnuts · 02/08/2017 17:40

You are indeed a complete mug.

Adora10 · 02/08/2017 17:44

You are an absolute mug, slavery ended a long time, ago, lies ins during the week until 930am, lunchtimes at weekends, cups of tea brought to him, you've made a rod for your own back OP but allowing him to be superior to you; he certainly is not.

I am actually disgusted that a married person can behave this way, never mind an unmarried one; he's got it made, pity you don't.

poweredbybread · 02/08/2017 17:55

Ginger I have a confession to make ... I'm a bit of a mug. A doer. My husband is like your a really nice person to the world. But then he would be wouldn't he! 30 hours a week piece of piss! At least my husband does work 50 hours + . The tables are slightly turning. I hate food so don't do much cooking and hate hate hate freezing cold supermarkets so he has started doing the shopping. I am slightly bonkers cos I love a challenge so I fix the roof do all the diy etc. We have kids with complex needs who are the best human beings on the planet ( of course!) but I usually have a meltdown every couple of years and he pulls his finger out when he is shown the door! He doesn't do much cleaning or picking up crap off the floor, but I give much less of a shit as the years go by! ( i work part time ) I am really impressed with all the people on here saying they would not put up with this and the jobs are more evenly spread than they were in my parents day.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/08/2017 18:04

Yes you are a mug. And I despair that there are no many insipid women moaning on here when they willingly let their husbands and partners treat them like shit. Grow a bloody backbone woman and be an example to your kids. Sorry to be harsh but it's true.

poweredbybread · 02/08/2017 18:24

Judge Judy won't argue with Judge Judy she's always rightSmile

kaitlinktm · 02/08/2017 18:54

Does he view you as an equal partner, or a housekeeper / childminder / cook / etc? I think you know the answer. You have been brainwashed into agreeing with him - all this talk of "suggesting" stuff and him "helping" with the housework. It isn't your housework, it is necessary work for the running of the house in which you both live. Why is he exempt from this?

You don't have to row with him - just stop doing certain things for him and if he complains, take a leaf out of his book and tell him to stop moaning.

If you separated he would have to do his own housework and would have to parent his child - perhaps 50% of the time. If not, then he would end up paying you a lot of maintenance and still not having his lunchtime lie-ins every other weekend.

The bottom line is that you both should have equal leisure time. You earning less than him does not entitle him to be lord of the manor and neither does it condemn you into slavery. You are supposed to be equal partners.