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Original poster

Who does what in your house? Am I a MUG

144 replies

Ginger1972 · 01/08/2017 23:03

Ongoing battles!
My DH earns £60k per year! Works 30 hours running a successful business. I know that's a lot! We do have a huge mortgage of £1200 per month and also huge bills! He is a spender
I earn a massive £13k and work part time 😢 I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food.

DH does absolutely zilch around the house! Not even emptying the kitchen bin.
I am constantly moaning as I do pretty much everything! He does cook on occasions and is brilliant at that! My 9yr old son is becoming helpful as he is being encouraged by me!
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
DH lays in bed until 9.30 every weekday morning whilst I walk the dog, get child ready for school, take child to school. DH gets 2 cups,of tea in bed (he does appreciate this). Weekends he is in bed until lunchtime
I really can't keep on top of the housework! I take my son to his sport training 4 eves a week.
Who does what in your house?
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
And.......he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!,,,,

Am I just a mug or what!!,?

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 02/08/2017 08:59

Why does he spend so much the in bed when he's only working part time? IS his job physically demanding?

AdelicaArundel · 02/08/2017 09:03

OK...I've gone back to you OP and these points stand out.

My DH earns £60k per year! He is a spender
I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!

Calling yourself a mug implies that you're a bit powerless and have few options...whereas really, the person with the most to lose here is your "D"H.

Whathaveilost · 02/08/2017 09:04

DH earns a lot more than your DP and does any housework that needs doing, including the big sho, ironing, hoovering etc without having to be asked or prompted.
I have two sons. They do most of the household jobs without being prompted most of the time.
Everyone just kind of mucks in. It's not about money or who is at home the most. I work shifts and sometimes I have 7 days off but that doesn't mean I have to do housework on those days!
If I am on a later start ( e.g. 09.00hrd or later I get a brew in bed . ( if I'm in at 08.00hrs, I don't bother with him one but will make one for DH before I leave)

Your relationship doesn't sound balanced.

Emboo19 · 02/08/2017 09:05

My boyfriend works 40/50 hours a week, I don't currently work (maternity leave and then starting uni in September) and he still does his share of the housework, because it's also his house and his child.
He's working away at the moment mon-fri, so can't do as much, and his hours change to it does vary for us.

Usually though.......
I tend to cook most work nights and we split fri/sat/sun nights depending on what we're doing, he nearly always cooks if we have friends round, unless it's Sunday lunch.
If he's home in time he does DD's bath and bed time.
He cleans up the kitchen if I've cooked.
I do washing, he does the ironing.
I tend to do the day to day cleaning, vac/mop floors, run the duster round, bathroom etc. We're both tidy though, I never have his stuff to put away before hand or anything and he cleans as he goes along too, so kitchen after he's made his pack up, bathroom after a shave.
Before he goes to work, he gets DD, up changes her and brings her to me to feed. Then he makes me a cup of tea before he goes. I really, really miss my morning cup of tea when he's working away!! So on that alone I'd be getting rid of your husband for the no tea.

Honestly OP, I'd just stop doing things for him, no clothes washed, no meals cooked, don't tidy up after him just fill a bin liner with anything he leaves around. I couldn't not clean, so I'd have to do that. Although I don't think I could actually stay with someone who thought earning more money, meant he didn't have to those things anyway.

Crumbs1 · 02/08/2017 09:05

I'd have him working more than 30 hours a week to up the family income to pay for a cleaner if I were you.
Seriously lazy toad.
My husband earns five times my salary and I earn more than your husband but mine does lots around the house too. We have cleaners so are lucky. We have fairly established jobs but he usually-
Takes bins out and cleans bins
Clears guttering and sweeps terrace
Makes morning tea when home and brings up to me
Equal share of laundry and own ironing
Clears away supper and washes pots ever evening his home
Cleans windows
Waters garden
Manages pool
Cleans silver
Cleans lavatories in between cleaners visits
Empties kitchen and bathroom bins.
Collects up used towels and strips beds.
We make up beds together.

AdelicaArundel · 02/08/2017 09:09

Can you up your hours at work? Is that a realistic possibility for you?
If so, how will he react to you presenting him with a list of all the things he will now need to do, to "allow" you to increase your (outside the home) work hours.

The more I think about this the more annoyed I am on your behalf.

snoopypoodle · 02/08/2017 09:09

@Ginger1972
As a previous poster asked - how do you split your finances?
Does the money go into one pot ? Or do you pay into one in proportion to your earnings?
Do you get equal amounts of spending money?

Can you actually afford a cleaner if he was "willing" to pay?

He sounds like a delight Hmm

80sMum · 02/08/2017 09:13

My DH currently earns 6 times my salary and has always been the higher earner. But we have always pooled our financial resources, everything is "ours". Housework is another matter!!

mychildhasmoremoneythanme · 02/08/2017 09:16

He sounds awful. My DP earns a lot more than him, I'm on maternity leave and we have three children in total. We share all the bills in the ratio we contribute to the joint account so 70:30 as he earns more. When my maternity pay reduces then he'll top me up for my personal spending. All household chores are split equally (he probably does slightly more but also gets slightly more leisure time). Your DH is not 'normal'.

Seenoevil · 02/08/2017 09:17

He works 30 hours and you work 25... not exactly much difference there..
Yes he earns much but he sound fucking tight as well. So what he buys nice Xmas presents.
He stays in bed til 9.30 while you get the kids up and ready every morning yet you take him cups of teaShockwtf.
Tell him to get his lazy ass out of bed and help and make his own cups of tea.
And if he doesn't want to do his share of tiding then he can put his hands in his pockets and pay for a bloody cleaner!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/08/2017 09:21

I work a few hours less than DH due to commute etc so I use that time to do house stuff. Outside of that i iron and he does the garden and we share cooking in the main. I'm happy to pick up a little extra as I'm home first so can get it done meaning the nights are free.

I'd expect him to help once you've both done the same number of hours either at work or in the house.

Batoutahell · 02/08/2017 09:23

Lazy entitled prick.

JoshLymanJr · 02/08/2017 09:47

I work full-time and DW works PT. Our division of household stuff is (more or less) as follows:

Me:
Two big shops per week
Ironing
Laundry
Cooking (four nights per week)
Hoovering (once per week)
All DIY/decorating
Cutting/strimming lawn
Bathing DCs

DW:
Hoovering (once per week)
Cleaning floors and bathroom
Bills
Laundry
Cooking (two nights per week)
Changing bedding

Other stuff (like DCs activities, bedtimes, etc.) is split between us based on who happens to not be doing anything at that particular moment!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/08/2017 10:02

30 hours a week is fuck all, part time!!

Neverknowing · 02/08/2017 10:55

Op. He has everything to lose here and you have nothing to lose. He has a maid who he doesn't even have to pay and who pays most of his bills ? And you do all the house work too? He's got you in a position where you think you have something to lose but what do you have to lose!?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 02/08/2017 11:11

I can't believe this, if you're financially comfortable with him only working part time surely that's for a good work-life balance? His 'life' part needs to consist of not just lying in bed - he needs to help you around the house and then you too would have a better work-life balance :)

Otherwise he can up his hours and there'll be 2 benefits to you:

  1. he can afford to pay for a cleaner and
  2. you will see him less :)

His attitude is deeply unattractive.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 02/08/2017 12:09

Love your user name Bendy Grin

IMHO it's all about respect at the end of the day. Seems to be very much lacking here Hmm

Chores don't necessarily need to be equally divided, you just have to be happy with what you (both) do.

Good luck with finding a fix x

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2017 12:29

Are you happy with this arrangement OP? If you treat it all like some sort of carry on joke with lots of !! and LOLs about farts, then I think you are buying into it, men are just silly Billies aren't they. Did you just come on for a moan? No problem with that we all need to let off steam, but practically are you prepared to have the conversation with him?

gillybeanz · 02/08/2017 12:38

You are a mug and no way would I accept this.
My dh is almost constantly working as his work is his life iyswim.
He always makes sure he does at least his share of domestics and parenting, more so at times.
He did as much parenting as he could when dc were little even though I was a sahm.
Money is family money and should cover all bills and luxuries. You are just as entitled to spend as he is.
I couldn't be with a man like this, but high earners tend to be self centred pigs.

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 12:48

re you happy with this arrangement OP? If you treat it all like some sort of carry on joke with lots of !! and LOLs about farts, then I think you are buying into it, men are just silly Billies aren't they. Did you just come on for a moan? No problem with that we all need to let off steam, but practically are you prepared to have the conversation with him?

Believe me I have had the conversation many times. I just wanted light shed on it from others, to understand I do have a point and things are not fair in our house. Yes it sounds like a moan doesn't it?
I am a happy, outgoing person and do tend to use the lols and !!
I can't see a problem with that?

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 02/08/2017 12:51

DH earns a lot more than yours OP. Possibly 20 times that sum last year.

He is always doing things for the family and to make sure the household runs smoothly.

Seriously do not accept such crap!

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2017 13:13

I am a happy, outgoing person and do tend to use the lols and !!
I can't see a problem with that?

Yes of course that's a great outlook but its in this context, when as I say you are entirely entitled to complain maybe when you talk to him you minimise it as well?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 13:34

What do you get out of this, something keeps you within this relationship so what is it?.

You may appear to be a happy person to those in the outside world but behind doors it is a different story isn't it.

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 14:05

What do you get out of this, something keeps you within this relationship so what is it?.

You may appear to be a happy person to those in the outside world but behind doors it is a different story isn't it.

I try and remain cheerful!
DH doesn't communicate well and I do annoy him as I talk too much.
My mum calls me a "Pollyanna" as I see the best in people and usually very positive.

I think if I'm true to myself, people wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth about DH. I'm not one to discuss my relationship with friends and family anyway.
I'd end up being the bad guy I'm sure.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 02/08/2017 14:10

I am going to suggest I don't do his ironing!

With respect OP that's barely scratching the surface. And look at your language - you say you will 'suggest' - not tell. A suggestion can be ignored/over-ruled - it implies he is in charge not you.

I'm not sure long term how this marriage will work out.....it's been 6 years, together for 12.

I don't think it will because unless you sit him down and tell him to change his MO fundamentally, you will get so pissed off and resentful the relationship will be over.

You need to stop making 'suggestions" and tell him the time of him taking the piss is over, earnings are irrelevant to household tasks and he has to pull his weight. You have almost equal working hours so household and childcare tasks are divided up equally between you. He is paying for a cleaner, as he keeps you so short. And if this doesn't happen the relationship is over. Because it will be.

I don't think you will be able to take much more of this long term.

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