Why can't people accept some people just don't want kids??

[user1486956786]

This is meant to be more light hearted friendly thread so if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it please

I'm late 20s and am yet to ever have any desire to have a child of my own. I'm not a child hater and I'm well aware my feelings can change, but as of now and the past almost 30 years I'm yet to have any desire.

Why do friends and strangers have to challenge this? Why cannot people just accept it?

Twice in past 36 hours I've been told 'But you'd be such a great mum' (I'm not sparking the conversation by the way),

I know everyone means well but it's getting to the point where I'm considering lying just to get people to back off and so I don't have to continue trying to justify/explain.

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!! 😂

i hear you!! Im 32, getting married next year and dont want kids.
My OH is older and has 2 kids from a previous marriage and we haev them every 2 weeks. I love them they are great Stepkids and love the time we spend with t hem, but we also love the time in between thats just us. I dont want to give that up, and neither does he. Im happy with his kids, i had to sit down and have a long convo with my mum explaining that as she was a bit upset at not having any grandkids but she understands it our life and its not right for us together. TBF my parents treat my stepkids like their own, they are amazing with them.

I had a stroke last year too which basically forced our hand anyway as doctor said it would be inadvisable to carry a child after a stroke anyway so a few weeks alter we sent OH for the snip! NO regrets, children are not for us and everytime someone asks (and its frequently) we tell them we are happy, love our time alone, weekends away, money for nice holidays, treats etc and have no desire to be tied down for 18 years with a baby. Its personal choice and no-one should tell you otherwise.
Coming out with the punchline 'well we cant have kids anyway as hes had the snip' usually shuts them up :D

I think there's two types of people like this

Those who get so much joy and pleasure and fulfillment from their kids that just want you to experience the same

Those whose identities are so wrapped up in cultural norms that a woman's life task is the bearing and raising of children that anything outside of that makes them feel threatened and confused

I hear you!

We are getting married shortly and we are already being asked when we're having kids, not if, when.

Right now we are on the fence and definitely don't see kids in our future for at least another 5/6 years, if we even have them! I'm 27, DF is 31.

The thought terrifies us! The never ending responsibility, no sleep, lack of freedom, less money, school uniforms blah blah blah children are just so....permanent! Lol

But, we always say "one day" because it sounds better, ridiculous isn't it.

Oh, we're not terrified by school uniforms haha just the never ending tediousness!

I don't get it either

I have kids, want more kids. But I understand it's not for everyone. A good friend of mine doesn't want kids. She's 27, in a relationship and has never wanted kids. I don't understand why her choice is seen as less valid than mine.

People are annoying.

It is because anyone choosing to remain childless threatens the safe paradigm of social convention that others follow without question. Marriage, children, grandkids, death. You will notice the same effect if you're a teetotaller - people's responses vary from mild surprise to near-indignation that you refuse to validate their lifestyle choices by playing along.

If someone doesn't have children don't assume it's because they can't
and don't assume that they chose not to.

Totally agree.

I have two and they're brilliant people.

But do I want more? No. I do not. I cannot think of anything worse.

I really struggle with the idea that others can't accept that some people want them, some people don't. Really? Why is it so hard?

Childfree man here, 43 and currently single. Everyone knows I am childfree, have always been steadfastly so. Yet even now people who've known me 20 years will still say "when you meet the right woman, you'll change your mind". No I fucking won't. Because if she wants kids, she isn't the right woman.

I agree with you OP

But if you want a quiet but unconventional life then you need to stop discussing you life choices with randoms.

Just brush off passing questions with vague comments such as " ha ha , well see " or " I'll worry about that later " .

I have 3 dc and wouldn't challenge you.
I bet it must nark you when people assume you'll change your mind.

I'll be honest. I only "believe" someone actually means it when they claim to not want children, if they've been sterilised.

I'm afraid I've seen so many people spend their 20s insisting they didn't want children, when what they actually meant was that they couldn't imagine it under their current life circumstances. Once they had a nice partner/a house/a well-paying job/had finished their trip round the world, suddenly they could see where a child fit for them and they changed their mind.

The (much fewer) people I've known who were really childfree all got sterilised at the earliest opportunity. Them, I believe.

Sorry. If that annoys you please blame all the people who change their minds.

Obviously I would never ask someone if they've had a vasectomy/tubes tied. I find that people who have often volunteer the information though. I don't even ask if people want children, I wait for others to bring the subject up (that's mainly because of knowing people dealing with infertility, though).

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!

You almost certainly have, I'm afraid. It hasn't stopped for me.

TBH whatever you choose to do there will be people who don't accept that your choice is valid.

We have 5 DC. All wanted. Not on benefits. People always have to comment. Don't you have a TV haha. No I haven't heard that one before.

You don't want any you're wrong. Have one you're being unkind. Have lots you're a drain on society. You can't win.

But if you want a quiet but unconventional life then you need to stop discussing you life choices with randoms.

Not having children is not 'unconventional'. Most of my friends are childfree by choice, and I'm over 40.
The op made it very clear that she didn't start the conversation. Other people make assumptions.

The best defense against obnoxious, nosey people is to ask "Why would you ask me about something so personal and private?" That usually shuts them up.

And it's not only until they're 18! Just as many responsibilities when they're older. Yes, very different to the day to day hands-on looking after babies and toddlers but still occupies your mind, makes you worry sometimes and does still have an effect on life choices.

Some people have trouble accepting anything that isn't what most people do. Most people have children so some people are curious of people who choose not to.

If people are actually 'challenging' you about it then they are rude.

We have 2 children now but with over a 5 year age gap. I know from when our first child reached age 2 we were asked when we were having another ! I did find it rude especially when it was the same few people asking. Then when I told people I was pregnant when my son was almost 5, I had lots of 'oh about time' and 'we were wondering when that would happen and what was going on' Seemed very odd that so many people had sat down and thought about my family planning.

Don't take any notice, I wouldn't justify my decision if I were you either. x

I'm 44 and new by my late-20s I didn't want children. In the last few years I have heard a lot more from close friends admitting that while they love their children, they envy my life. I have been told by some that if they could live their life over, they would not have had children. I don't judge them, just as I know they don't judge me. I've a wonderful partner (41, never wanted children) and we have a lovely life. I don't regret my choice for a second. Live your life as you choose. At my age, no one tells me I should have kids now :)

Knew*

You can always just reply with 'shall we discuss your contraceptive choices now'.

A lot of the people I know who are obsessed with DH and I having kids are people who's own lives completely revolve around their kids to the extent they are a bit oblivious to life outside of kids!

Our friends who have active interests etc outside of kids aren't obsessed with whether we're having kids or not!

Perhaps I should 'challenge' people back, look all confused and say 'well why on earth would you want kids?!' I bet heaps of people probably couldn't actually really answer, I think lots of people don't even properly consider it, it's just an assumption/given they are to have kids at a certain age end of (nothing wrong with that either!)

'I'll be honest. I only "believe" someone actually means it when they claim to not want children, if they've been sterilised.'

TBH, this. My closest friend since the age of twelve was adamant she didn't want children, I always believed her, when she got married it was part of the deal with her husband they'd have at least one and she agreed. Other friends, both adamant they never would, both v convincing on the topic, decided as a 'last chance' to have a child at 37, having been together childless and happy for well over a decade. I was v v surprised by that one.

The thing is, a lot of people change their minds, and there's nothing wrong with that either. The majority of people who are in committed relationships at a point while they're able to have children do so, id say about 95%, so it's no totally odd that people assume. It is a bit strange to try and convince you, but then there's also nothing wrong with changing their mind. Most of it is mindless chatter, but a surprisingly high number of people feel like people making a different life choice to them is some kind of challenge or threat rather than a reflection of the fact different people like different things.

Someone made a great point also on the thread, if you have 3 or more people wonder why so many, if you only have 1 people will wonder where is the second.