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Original poster

Why can't people accept some people just don't want kids??

104 replies

user1486956786 · 31/07/2017 10:33

This is meant to be more light hearted friendly thread so if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it please

I'm late 20s and am yet to ever have any desire to have a child of my own. I'm not a child hater and I'm well aware my feelings can change, but as of now and the past almost 30 years I'm yet to have any desire.

Why do friends and strangers have to challenge this? Why cannot people just accept it?

Twice in past 36 hours I've been told 'But you'd be such a great mum' (I'm not sparking the conversation by the way),

I know everyone means well but it's getting to the point where I'm considering lying just to get people to back off and so I don't have to continue trying to justify/explain.

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!! 😂

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 31/07/2017 17:59

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!! 😂

I don't know how to break this to you but it will be a great deall longer than 10 years.

I had a GP appointment today, I saw another doctor in the practice as my own doctor is on holiday. She asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant.

A reasonable question if I wasn't 55 years old.

It's only in the last 5 years that randoms have stopped asking me if I'm going to have any more children. I can understand the confusion in the general public ( as I obviously look so young ) but surely the GP should know better as she has my DOB on the screen in front of her.

Sigh

Trills · 31/07/2017 18:40

Would be weird if people didn't think it required comment.

Nope. It doesn't "require comment". Comments are not required.

mydogisthebest · 31/07/2017 19:59

Me and DH decided not to have children so he had a vasectomy aged 28 (I was 30). We had to go private as our doctor told us we would change our mind!

We are both early 60's now and over the years I have not only been asked endless times if I have children and then, when I say "no", why not, I have also had some very nasty comments made to me.

I was told I am not normal, asked why I got married if I did not want children, told I will have a very lonely old age if my DH dies before me and asked who will look after me when I get old.

Oh and don't think the questions will stop. Now I get asked if I have grandchildren which often leads to me saying I have no children and the question "why" starts up again!

HelenaDove · 31/07/2017 20:07

dogis I got "Your"e not human" yelled out to me when i talked about my choice on a TV chat show (this was back in the late 90s so pre the Jeremy Kyle type shows)

Melminiani · 31/07/2017 20:15

I was desperate to have kids, but never seemed to be in the right place at the right time to meet someone.

So there I was, in my mid 30s and working in a maternity hospital which I found very tough indeed. And it was at that time that I went to a wedding where I was the only single person there. The bride placed me at the end of a table next to a 4 year old and opposite a 5 year old....and if the day didn't make me feel bad enough, I got told by a woman cradling her baby, that I would never truly understand love until I was a mother. I was so angry at her lack of sensitivity.

lostpigeon · 31/07/2017 20:19

45 YO, never wanted kids, and am so happy with my decision....a better chance of retiring in the sun now

Pombliboo123 · 31/07/2017 20:21

Urgh. This. So much this.

I in in my mid 20s and can say right now I don't want any children... I may very well change my mind in 5 or 10 years. Then again I might not.

People (DPs family in particular) are HORRIFIED.

But you have to give us grandchildren! No I fucking well do not.

I try and tell them, Oh it's just not for me, irs not that I don't like children I'm just quite happy without.

But then they go on and on and on and on

And I want to tell them (please don't be offended) that in actual fact I don't like children at all, they are NOISY and expensive and gross and smelly and annoying and obnoxious and ride etc and I don't want my entire life to be about caring for some small human. I have zero desire to create any mini mes.... the world has too many people as it is and we are destroying this planet... why add to that? I like being free and able to do what I want when I want and I like sleeping and binge watching tv shows.... I LIKE my work and couldn't even fathom spending hundreds of pounds for somebody else to look after my sprocket whilst I go to work... I LIKE cheap holidays outside of school holidays... I could go on.

But I don't, I just smile and say haha maybe one day.

Plus, I'll get absolutely ripped to shreds for this but I genuinely believe that any maternal instincts I have are quite happily satisfied by my two teeny dogs

Shayelle · 31/07/2017 20:24

Never wanted kids. Thank god

Lottapianos · 31/07/2017 20:52

'Would be weird if people didn't think it required comment.'

Um, no. Fine to wonder privately, absolutely not fine to comment

Mel, how awful for you. Some people are such total twerps

Lottapianos · 31/07/2017 20:53

'Plus, I'll get absolutely ripped to shreds for this but I genuinely believe that any maternal instincts I have are quite happily satisfied by my two teeny dogs'

Makes perfect sense to me. Theres no other area of life where absolutely everybody wants the same thing, why would kids be any different? No shredding from me

Melminiani · 31/07/2017 20:57

Thank you Lottapianos.

I should add that I didn't mean for my post to be so sorrowful (!), and that since then, I've managed to find the many positives to living a childfree life.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 31/07/2017 21:10

I'm in my 30s and have always known that I don't want children. I've requested sterilisation but always been refused by doctors due to age. Most people have stopped asking me now; it is well known that I get snippy if I get pestered too much about providing more people for our overpopulated planet. I am happy, fulfilled and have a lovely DH who also doesn't want children. I was ditched by XH partly because I wouldn't provide him with offspring (I was very clear from the start that there would be none).

My stock answer now is "no, I ovulate sand". That shuts the nosy parkers up!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 31/07/2017 21:27

I didn't particularly like children when I was a child and even now I find small children very trying. At the age of about 12 I decided having kids was not for me. Now I'm 46 and nearly out of the woods. I was once told that my lack of maternal feeling meant I wasn't a real woman, which would be surprising news to my fiancé.

theabysswithin · 31/07/2017 22:03

I find TonyDanza's attitude incredibly depressing and basically confirms what ChestyLaRue said: there are a lot of people who are threatened by the idea that there are people out there who can have fulfilling lives without children.

I know a lot of people who haven't been sterilised and haven't had kids and who really genuinely just didn't want kids. They didn't want the burden, knew they didn't want them enough for the disruption to their lives to be worth it, were passionate about a particular career which would have been difficult to pursue with children in tow. Or just plain didn't like kids much.

It isn't a majority view, but why is this so difficult for people to accept? If you love beetroot, you wouldn't disbelieve people who tell you they hate it.

If you're honest with yourselves, a large proportion of you who claim not to believe people don't want kids don't want to believe that others don't want kids because at some level you are envious of those who have the independence and strength of mind to go against the grain.

(I'm a mum, btw. Very happily so.)

KinkyAfro · 31/07/2017 22:14

I'm almost 44, have no children and no urge to have any. I feel awkward around children, i don't know how to interact with them, if someone hands me a baby I feel panicky! Only today at lunch with some friends of my parents I was asked if I'd ever thought about kids. I responded with pretty much what I've said above, total conversation killer...fine by me though!

Bluebelle38 · 31/07/2017 22:41

This, 100%

I am convinced that there is a significant number of people with children that are envious of those without them. I have had it said to me numerous times.

Whenever I was asked why I don't want children, I responded simply "because I don't want them". You don't have to justify your reason, I never did.

My life is full, I'm happy and free and I am not worried about "getting old and having no one to look after me". I've heard that cited as a reason to have kids, which is silly because there is no guarantee children will look after their parents in old age.

shoeaddict83 · 31/07/2017 22:59

Bluebelle-very well put! Amen to that!

poweredbybread · 31/07/2017 23:16

I have children but bloody school uniform and lunch boxes ALONE are reason to say No!!!

BuggersMuddle · 01/08/2017 01:39

I've had this, but since I've been adamant since about age 10, most people who know me well have either put a lid on it or said I'm pretty much the only person who said I didn't want kids who they believed.

But I have to be sterilised now to be believed? Eh? As a teen I thought I would seek that & I fully support those who do. As an adult, I'm on fairly low dose contraception and that seems less risky than an op. I guess there was also a possibility I could change my mind, but it seemed (and still seems) incredibly unlikely. Given I'm in a LTR with someone also uninterested in kids, I am happy with our arrangement.

As to being on here. When you're mid 30s, your friends are parents and they mention MN, you read it then it permeates your being and you can't leave I don't read the lactation threads, or TTC or whatever. But I do have CFNs, a bastard cat, a relationship.....

FWIW the ageing parents thing is a total red herring. There was one person in our family who looked after DGP. One. The rest did memento-bagging and competitive grieving.

Original poster

user1486956786 · 01/08/2017 02:13

Thank you all so much for such supportive comments!!!!

I think it ultimately comes down to people are rude. Obliviously rude, in their defence.

When I say I have no desire right now, please just reply 'fair enough' / 'I understand' anything but being sad for me or saying things / telling me stories to suggest I may not be making right decision!

I'd never question someone's decision to have a child, and of course I'll ask questions etc, it's polite!

It's funny, because I've become open to the idea of fostering older children one day down the track... I've mentioned this a few times to friends to the response 'oh god why would you want to do that?' !!!!

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 01/08/2017 02:13

One of my best friends has always been adamant she didn't want kids and now at nearly 50, doesn't have any. I must admit I discussed this with her when we were younger, but not in a jiffy way, just in a genuinely concerned place that she'd regret it (before I had kids). She's great with my kids and she's happy without kids.

I've felt bad for friends who couldn't have children but wanted them but for those who didn't want them, it didn't bother me at all - none of my business and no effect on our friendship.

Loveache · 01/08/2017 02:13

I've come to the long-anticipated conclusion that I don't want any either. My sister has kids, lots of friends my own age have kids now too. Nothing whatsoever to do with disliking kids or being scornful of others' choices, it's just not for me. I can not imagine a child hanging off me. The idea that a woman isn't a complete person or otherwise fulfilled until she has procreated is hugely negative. I've had my mother and a mum- friend try to push it on me recently, quite obnoxiously actually and can see the comments getting worse as I get older. My uterus is not public property ffs.

BadLad · 01/08/2017 02:25

BadLad, I stand corrected. I'm really sorry to hear that you have been fielding insensitive and intrusive comments like many of the rest of us have

Not a problem - we're on the same side. My wife can't have them so it's a non-starter for us anyway. I don't think she has ever wanted them, but she used to get slimy bastard in her workplace saying things like "No children yet? Shall I show you how it's done?". So I'm sure women get it worse than men, especially here (Japan).

Trills · 01/08/2017 07:42

You shouldn't have to have been adamant your whole life to be taken seriously.

People have children without having been adamant their whole lives that they love and want babies, and we let them do that without asking "are you sure?".

Lottapianos · 01/08/2017 08:00

'I am convinced that there is a significant number of people with children that are envious of those without them'

Completely agree.

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