Why can't people accept some people just don't want kids??

[user1486956786]

This is meant to be more light hearted friendly thread so if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it please

I'm late 20s and am yet to ever have any desire to have a child of my own. I'm not a child hater and I'm well aware my feelings can change, but as of now and the past almost 30 years I'm yet to have any desire.

Why do friends and strangers have to challenge this? Why cannot people just accept it?

Twice in past 36 hours I've been told 'But you'd be such a great mum' (I'm not sparking the conversation by the way),

I know everyone means well but it's getting to the point where I'm considering lying just to get people to back off and so I don't have to continue trying to justify/explain.

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!! 😂

They probably don't really care either way! Whatever choices you make will be questioned by other people - no of kids / having ivf / no kids / age / job / sahm. If you did have kids they'd find something to question as well. It's just nosiness and trying to make conversation. Just ignore them!

Someone said men don't get asked the same, but I think they do. My child free male friend gets asked, I even asked him when I was drunk and then had to apologise and back track as it's none of my fucking business. He did say he didn't mind me asking coz I'm a mate, but what else was he going to say out of politeness. I actually asked him because I am very fond of him and I kind of feel like he's missing out on a life experience which for me is the most fulfilling thing that has ever happened to me, and he is so lovely he would make a great dad. But he's happy as he is so I need to shut the fuck up.

I'm so tired of being asked about kids. People just don't care to think about whether it's a sensitive topic. I have had two missed miscarriages and think I'm having my third right now (and can't find out for another week as I'm abroad).

And I'm sick to death of having to plaster on a smile and say, "nope it's just us and the cats."

Gosh, I wouldn't think of asking that !😷

It is because anyone choosing to remain childless threatens the safe paradigm of social convention that others follow without question. Marriage, children, grandkids, death. You will notice the same effect if you're a teetotaller - people's responses vary from mild surprise to near-indignation that you refuse to validate their lifestyle choices by playing along.

^ This ^

As a childless, teatotal spinster I get this all the time. You're rejecting social norms so people find it difficult to relate to you. Instead of being open minded and curious of others, theyre afraid and fear it might be catching, hence all the single childless women never invited to social gatherings.

Ive found that the best response is to simply tell the truth, be pleasant and prove that there's life beyond marriage/kids/wine etc..

A single, childless 40 year old male friend of mibe was obce told by an aquaintance that by remaining unmarried and childless, he'd wasted his life.

Very good point about the comparison with not drinking. I'm not teetotal but on the occasions when I'm not drinking at a social event, some people barely bat an eyelid, but some people get very stressed out indeed and go into interrogation mode. Very similar to responses you get when you say that no, you're not married and no, no kids either

Pretty, I like your approach of being open, pleasant and let other people make twerps of themselves if they want to! Much harder to pull off if you're feeling sensitive of course

I don't know what to say about the acquaintance who not only thought that there was no point to life without marriage and children, but was so rude and thoughtless as to actually share those thoughts with someone who was in that position! Some people shouldn't really be allowed out unaccompanied....

This drives me nuts. I don't have children and I'm torn about whether or not I want them. When people ask me I don't know what to answer cos I don't know myself. Because I'm a teacher I get asked this all the time and constantly told (by I'm sure well meaning people) how great a parent is be. I've even had children feel sorry for me or say I could pretend they were my child when they've found out I don't have children! Society tells us from such a young age that it's what we should be doing and that somehow women can't fully be happy without bring mothers! Sometimes I wonder if the part of me that thinks I would maybe want children is only doing so because it's been ingrained into my mind that I'll somehow regret it if I don't. If i ever bring up that I'm not sure I've often been told that I would regret it if I don't- you don't ever hear people tell someone that they might regret having children even though it's a life-changing decision that can't be reversed!

Because having kids is shit, but it's less shit if you have friends with kids the same age, so they want you to join them in the hell of having small children.

Well for balance moonpie11, being childfree can be absolutely wonderful too! I absolutely hear you on the ambivalence. The pressure to become a parent is absolutely huge. We live in a baby-crazy society and it can be tough to be outside of that. There is huge validation involved in becoming a parent and that's sadly lacking from many parts when you decide to remain childfree. Its a tough decision to make and a tough decision to live with at times. You're in good company!

I don't question people who say it to me as I have 3 friends in their 40's who have no intention of having children.

I can see why some people do though...a lot of people (myself included) say they never want children and then change their mind.

I was adamant from 14 years old that I never, ever wanted children. I was still that adamant in my late 20's.

I remember posting about it on forums like you are now.

I now want children (I'm 35).

So if people have known a lot of people like me, or maybe were like me themselves, I can see why they might think that someone in their 20's would change their mind.

"Hormones kicking in" doesn't actually sound like a good reason to have children.

If you wait a bit, that feeling goes away.

Having children in order to make that feeling go away is like having a tattoo in order to get rid of an itch.

That being said...given that I didn't want children for so long, I can totally see why people wouldn't want them.

Although I've now swung to wanting children I wouldn't be absolutely devastated to find out I couldn't.

'Having children in order to make that feeling go away is like having a tattoo in order to get rid of an itch.

Very true. And yes, I agree that hormonal surges are a really bad reason to become a parent

I had my first at 34, and that was a surprise, I hear you! I made the mistake of saying I didn't NOT want children, but that it was always some point in the future. It wasn't my mother who pushed it, it was random people/acquaintances. I love my children but I know my life would've been happy with or without them, what you don't have, you don't miss type thing. My sister doesn't have children, she's mid 50's so this is a certainty now, she has a wonderful life.

Enjoy yourself, with zero or 20 children, what will be will be.

No children for me, never wanted any, no regrets about it all. I must say though, no-ones ever asked about it, but I would have no hesitation telling anyone who did that it was a personal matter.

! A gynaecologist refused me a hysterectomy at 44 'in case I changed my mind...'

So I do have some sympathy with this. On the one hand you have women's right to autonomy over their bodies and on the other hand you have clinical /ethic issues and a very litigious society. Plenty of cases of surgeons being sued for carrying out irreversible sterilisation. Plus a full hysterectomy is major surgery and not really needed to sterilise - the patient could have a tubal ligation. Hysterectomy has several potential health impacts and side effects as well.

A surgeon isn't unreasonable for not carrying out a hysterectomy unless there is clinical need. They are unreasonable if they won't do a tubal ligation on a 44 year old or another sterilisation method that's less impactful on health.

A surgeon seeing a woman in their early twenties requesting a hysterectomy would be crazy to comply - far too much risk involved of being sued.

I’m amazed that everyone you meet is bothered. In the nicest possible way, I couldn’t give a toss if someone wanted kids or not, unless they asked my advice, which never happens! Therefore, as it doesn’t impinge on my life one way or the other it doesn’t cross my radar. Would never occur to me to bring it up. How annoying for you, why on earth are some people so bloody nosy?!

"HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 31-Jul-17 12:57:31
I'll be honest. I only "believe" someone actually means it when they claim to not want children, if they've been sterilised"

Im 44 childfree by choice and teetotal (agree with PP) ive never wanted children and dont regret my decision at all. TonyDanza i was refused sterilisation on the NHS and couldnt afford to pay for it myself.

So am i really not to be taken seriously because i couldnt afford to pay for it myself. So im not to be taken seriously due to economic reasons? Bloody helll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How would it go down on here if i was to say "i dont believe you are serious about having a child unless you are willing to pay for all the pre natal post natal maternity etc etc care yourself.

Helena Loving your last sentence!

To the person saying only those that get steralised really don't want children..... What a crock. I looked into it last year but after reading that it can bring on early menopause and other irreversible side effects, I decided to not go through with it. I still don't want children. Assuming everyone that isn't steralised subconsciously (or otherwise) does want children is ridiculous.

tonydanza surely it's not your business to believe or not believe them. Many women don't want children. They are entitled to be taken at their word and not questioned further, or not questioned at all. Many women might change their minds later on. That's their perogative. It's very difficult to get sterilized when you don't have children. Much easier and more effective to have a coil fitted.

I'm pretty sure I've seen data suggesting that (at least in the immediate couple of years following surgery) a coil is actually marginally more effective than a surgical tubal ligation

I wanted to have kids but wasn't desperate. If it hadn't happened I would have been fine. I do now have two boys I love very much, but often wonder what my life would have been like without them. Kids aren't the be-all and end-all. We were married for 10 years before DS1 was born and I used to be really hacked off by friends asking me when we were going to have kids. My mum even went as far as to say 'you won't feel truly fulfilled until you are a mother', which made me feel really great, as you can imagine. I've found parenthood really challenging and, although my boys are brilliant, I'm not sure I'd do it again if I could turn back time.

It's a key life process. Would be weird if people didn't think it required comment. There is a window of 25 years where it is possible. You won't get the comments once you reach 45.

I have never wanted to be married or even have a long term partner. Of course people comment on " won't I be lonely" etc.
Interestingly, now I have a child ( no partner) no one comments about my marital status anymore!