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Original poster

Why can't people accept some people just don't want kids??

104 replies

user1486956786 · 31/07/2017 10:33

This is meant to be more light hearted friendly thread so if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it please Smile

I'm late 20s and am yet to ever have any desire to have a child of my own. I'm not a child hater and I'm well aware my feelings can change, but as of now and the past almost 30 years I'm yet to have any desire.

Why do friends and strangers have to challenge this? Why cannot people just accept it?

Twice in past 36 hours I've been told 'But you'd be such a great mum' (I'm not sparking the conversation by the way),

I know everyone means well but it's getting to the point where I'm considering lying just to get people to back off and so I don't have to continue trying to justify/explain.

Feel like I've got another 10 years of this!!!! 😂

OP posts:
SheepyFun · 31/07/2017 13:30

The only person you need to discuss this with is your partner (and it sounds like you have).

You could develop some suitably discomforting responses - 'you're asking me about my sex life? So how often do you sleep with your OH?' or similar - I bet that would stop them asking again!

We have one DD, and regularly get asked if we're having more, because for some, having just one isn't the norm either. It's no more their business than if we didn't have any.

Anatidae · 31/07/2017 13:34

I have one kid, I am so so happy being his mum and I'm trying for another. I've personally found parenthood to be the best thing I've ever done

I also realise that not everyone wants kids. I had mine quite late and I had this a lot - like you have no bloody identity unless you're a mother :/

Not wanting children is just as valid a life choice as wanting them. It's not selfish to be childfree, it's not like humanity is an endangered species ffs.

I think you let a casual 'oh you'd be a lovely mum' go - it's probably meant kindly. You're well within your rights to be miffed at anyone who pushes the issue though.

Funny how men never get this....

woodpecker2 · 31/07/2017 13:37

I don't have a problem with your choice but I find it odd you are posting this on mums net, the last place you would hang out if you didn't want to be a mum.

SnickersWasAHorse · 31/07/2017 13:41

I don't have a problem with your choice but I find it odd you are posting this on mums net, the last place you would hang out if you didn't want to be a mum.

Sigh.
There is much on MN that has bugger all to do with children.
Many posters on here are not parents.

ShatnersWig · 31/07/2017 13:41

I was waiting for someone to make a comment along woodpeckers line. There are always people who seem to think that if you don't have or don't want kids you have no right being on MN (despite the fact that the vast majority of threads on the forums have sod all to do with kids and apply to parent and non-parent alike).

What they forget is that a lot of people may not have their own kids, but have nieces or nephews. Or are teachers who work with children. I don't want any of my own but I have a goddaughter.

ShatnersWig · 31/07/2017 13:42

woodpecker Presumably you also think that, despite the strapline underneath about it being for parents, MN should restrict itself to women only?

duracellred · 31/07/2017 13:46

I may be slated for this but I was brought up to be a 'people pleasing person' - very much instigated by my father (whom I now to do not talk to and estranged by his 'bullying' of me - I want you to ballet, I did; I want to you join banking; I did and now even calls me a failure in his eyes).

I married, have DD1 in 99 and DD2 in 01. I did not bond at all with either and now still do not and it shows with their relationship with me. However, saying that, I am fiercely proud of their achievements.

My new DH has a grand-daughter who unfortunately, I cannot relate to at all and move elsewhere if his daughter and GD come to stay.

Purely, I do not like children

Lottapianos · 31/07/2017 13:49

'A lot of the people I know who are obsessed with DH and I having kids are people who's own lives completely revolve around their kids to the extent they are a bit oblivious to life outside of kids! '

Yep. Some people have literally nothing else going on in their lives and can't imagine what you might do with yourself if you don't become a parent. A childfree teacher friend of mine regularly gets asked just what on earth she does during the summer holidays! I think there's often a good helping of jealousy involved too when someone keeps pushing the point.

Its true that some people do change their mind and have children after all. However, its still extremely rude to suggest to someone that you know their mind better than they do. Some parents 'change their mind' and end up wondering what the heck they were thinking of, but no one ever suggests to expectant parents that they might have second thoughts one day!

And so true that men never have to deal with this sort of crap or justify their choice to be childfree

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2017 13:56

I think whilst you are sure you don't want children. At some point for some women when they get past 37 hormones or something kicks in and what you wanted at 27 is not what you want at 37.
Whilst it might be very annoying being asked when you will have children. It is because we have all had experience of the most adamant childless woman turning suddenly beng hit with this tidal wave of broodiness.

GameOldBirdz · 31/07/2017 14:03

I hear you, OP.

I knew from a very very young age (like under 10) that I didn't want children. I've never liked children; even as a child myself I always preferred my own company as I found children boring, noisy and irritating.

I'm now in my early 30s and find the conversation regularly coming around to children. The people I find most irritating are those who make flippant remarks assuming an inevitability of motherhood, things like "You don't have any children yet" or "That third bedroom will make a great nursery"

These are the most annoying people because they're not being rude and intrusive as such (like asking you if you'll have children and when) but they are subtly undermining your choice not to have children by positioning parenthood as something you must naturally want.

To reply to them saying "Actually I don't want children" is opening up a conversation that was never intended (we might only have been discussing our third bedroom, for example), can come across as aggressive and is most definitely very awkward.

So, I find myself just standing there like a womb on legs, accepting their ignorant, unthinking and incorrect charting of my life.

BadLad · 31/07/2017 14:06

And so true that men never have to deal with this sort of crap or justify their choice to be childfree

It's not true at all. Might be less than women get, but I've had years of it.

GameOldBirdz · 31/07/2017 14:07

I think whilst you are sure you don't want children. At some point for some women when they get past 37 hormones or something kicks in and what you wanted at 27 is not what you want at 37.
Whilst it might be very annoying being asked when you will have children. It is because we have all had experience of the most adamant childless woman turning suddenly beng hit with this tidal wave of broodiness

And what about all those women that do want the same thing at 27 and 37? What about those women "we have all experienced" who are adamant about not wanting children and then remain child-free?

Of course there are those who will change their minds but that doesn't mean we all will. Please avoid undermining the decisions of 27-year old adamantly child-free women just because some 27-year old adamantly child-free women go on to be mothers.

GameOldBirdz · 31/07/2017 14:08

I think whilst you are sure you don't want children. At some point for some women when they get past 37 hormones or something kicks in and what you wanted at 27 is not what you want at 37.
Whilst it might be very annoying being asked when you will have children. It is because we have all had experience of the most adamant childless woman turning suddenly beng hit with this tidal wave of broodiness

And what about all those women that do want the same thing at 27 and 37? What about those women "we have all experienced" who are adamant about not wanting children and then remain child-free?

Of course there are those who will change their minds but that doesn't mean we all will. Please avoid undermining the decisions of 27-year old adamantly child-free women just because some 27-year old adamantly child-free women go on to be mothers.

ShatnersWig · 31/07/2017 14:09

Lotta clearly you haven't read the full thread or you'd have already seen that I'd rubbished your suggestion that And so true that men never have to deal with this sort of crap or justify their choice to be childfree

StewPots · 31/07/2017 14:12

Great post, OP. I was adamant I never wanted children growing up but at 18 I ended up pregnant with a DD(15) and I have had DS(3), but I still got asked between the two if I was having anymore, now it's "surprise about the large age gap...honestly, you can never do right for wrong with the no kids/too many kids debate! People should just pipe down...

Personally I applaud those who make the choice to be childfree. I am slightly envious of my friends who remain so, who don't have to base their lives around school timetables, nap times, tantrums, potty training, friendship fallouts etc etc...it's bloody hard work and I wish I still had the freedom to do what I wanted (most of the time nothing, I'm too knackered between parenting and FT work!) with just myself or my OH to worry about, although it goes without saying I love my children more than anything and wouldn't change them for the world!

And the argument about "alone in old age if you don't have kids" is utter total bollocks as well. I am a HCP and see it all the time - people have children but for various reasons those children do not/cannot come to see them when they are poorly or in a home. Plenty have friends visiting though :)

If the choice to be childfree is right for you then balls to everyone else, go forth and know there's people who are jealous of your freedom :)

Lottapianos · 31/07/2017 14:15

I have personal experience of the tidal wave of broodiness. It just about floored me in my early 30s. My feelings about not having children suddenly became much deeper and more complex. I found myself unexpectedly grieving. It was an intensely painful and personal experience and I'm only just coming out the other side.

I'm nearly 38 now and I still haven't had children. I'm feeling more secure all the time in my decision to remain childfree so its highly likely I will stay this way.

So while its true that some people do change their minds, the only appropriate response to 'I don't want children' is still some version of 'OK cool'. NOT don't be silly / of course you do / you'd be such a great parent / don't leave it too late / you'll change your mind etc

BadLad, I stand corrected. I'm really sorry to hear that you have been fielding insensitive and intrusive comments like many of the rest of us have

And by the way, a huge hug and / or high five to those posters who say that they just don't like children. I enjoy spending (some) time with children but I completely get someone would not find any pleasure in being around children at all. You're completely entitled to that viewpoint but its not an easy thing to admit I would imagine

Lottapianos · 31/07/2017 14:16

Shatners, I believe we had a cross post, that's all

ShatnersWig · 31/07/2017 14:23

Our postings were only an hour apart Lotta Wink

Bluebellevergreen · 31/07/2017 14:26

I hate this!!!
I have a child but I don't think or assume that everyone wants one!!
I dont get this.
Not everyone wants kids and you dont need them to fullfill your life
I love my child but not everyone wants one and not everyone that wants one can have one

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2017 14:28

GameOldBirdz that is why I said "some" women not all women

Barbaro · 31/07/2017 14:33

Don't want kids, never have. I just have no desire to be a mother at all.

Besides that, I'm basically a mother to a 600kg horse. I don't need a child, I've got a very large toddler for the next 30 years!

JessicaEccles · 31/07/2017 14:38

How on earth do you get a doctor to sterilise you if you are a child free woman under 90?! A gynaecologist refused me a hysterectomy at 44 'in case I changed my mind...'

findingmyfeet12 · 31/07/2017 14:38

I have been trying to have a baby for over 10 years.

I don't shout about this in my real life and I find it painful when people question me about not having children.

I wouldn't bring up the subject with someone else because I know how painful it can be. I think it's horribly tactless and insensitive.

DontChewMonkey · 31/07/2017 14:39

Chestylarue has hit the nail on the head for me.

FinallyHere · 31/07/2017 14:48

My answer to 'do you like children' has always been 'yes, but I couldn't eat a whole one'. People on the whole didn't tend to ask me whether I was planning on having children.