Pregnant, DP doesn't want it, devastated

[Anothercliche]

I'm a long time lurker on mumsnet but I've finally decided to post for some advice. I found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant, it will be our first child. It was planned, but happened very quickly (2nd month trying). I'm absolutely thrilled, but my 'D'P has gone from bad to worse in his reaction to the news (at least that's what it seems to me, but I'm very hormonal so wanted a sanity check). So far his responses have been to tell me he doesn't want it, he's not ready, that his life is over and he can't do any of the things he wanted to anymore (we had an epic holiday planned for next year that now isn't going to be possible and he's very disappointed about that). He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility despite this being a planned pregnancy that I have longed for, I have told him quite clearly this is absolutely not an option. He's told me that he feels I've manipulated him into this, that I lied to him (I had fertility issues with my ex that resulted in a miscarriage, 4 years trying and no baby - diagnosis of unexplained infertility) and told me every time he remembers I'm pregnant he feels deeply unhappy. We were both expecting that due to my previous fertility issues it would take a long time to fall pregnant, so I pushed to start sooner than he was ready for, as I was worried about time not being on my side (we are early thirties, but I want more than one child). We have sat down and had a couple of long conversations about this where I have gently tried to talk him through his fears (losing his freedom, his youth, being a bad dad, monetary responsibilities) but we have got absolutely nowhere. I'm totally devastated that he is acting this way and have told him I think he is incredibly selfish, self-centred and immature. He agrees with all these points and uses it as further ammunition for why we shouldn't be having a child together.

As more background, I have recently finished some further education and am currently unemployed (I really wasn't expecting pregnancy this quickly and was planning on getting a job first). We've been together nearly 2 years but known each other longer, we moved in together late last year. He can be a little selfish sometimes, which we'd had some chats about previously and he had acknowledged this and was getting much better.

I guess what I'm asking is, at the moment I think he's just freaking out about something he wasn't quite ready for and is not being very pleasant about it. But I'm hoping that as the news settles in and he comes to scans, and eventually holds his baby in his arms, that his opinion will change? He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is and I don't know how to deal with it. It's really getting me down as well Has anyone been through similar and the dad has come around to the idea?

He has been consistently loud and clear. He doesnt want this baby.

But before that, he was selfish, self-centred and immature. Obviously not the qualities of a good father. Were you thinking you could change him? People dont change.

I think youre on your own with this pregnancy. He might at some point give it a go and make it seem like he has changed,but i wouldnt reply on him.

Ok, never ever assume / hope he will come around to the idea, ever.

I think in your mind you need to just forget about him right now and think about would you want this baby without him? If he left tomorrow, if he left after the baby was born, would you be happy to still have the baby? Are you going to be ok if he isn't that involved once the baby is born?

Because with the way he is speaking (which is vile) I'd plan for absolute worst case scenario.

He's an absolute ass hole, he really really is.

I'm not suggesting you don't have the baby at all, you just need to consider worst case scenarios and being single with the baby. (To be honest, I think anyone planning to have a baby should considering divorce rate).

Firstly, congratulations! I haven't been through this, but I can sympathise with your situation, and your OH's feelings (to a point!).

It seems like your OH perhaps only agreed to start trying because he thought that you wouldn't be able to fall pregnant - very cowardly of him, he should have been honest with you from the beginning. It's not exactly the same, but I remember being absolutely terrified when I fell pregnant with my youngest, after 6 months of trying. Even though it was a much longed for baby, I suddenly worried that I wouldn't cope with two children, that my career would never recover, that I'd be ruining everybody's life. Of course, I wasn't, but being faced with the prospect of such a huge life change can be terrifying.

In short. I think your OH will come round and realise that he's been a monumental wanker to suggest a termination and for putting you through this emotional turmoil when you should be celebrating together and planning a future with your baby. You can still go on holidays and have fun with a baby! Yes it's different fun, but my children make me laugh so much every single day without fail!

On the job front, I interviewed for a promotion when I was 6 months pregnant (with a v clear bump!) and got the job, so don't worry too much about finding employment.

Just make sure you're looking after yourself, eating well and getting plenty of rest, and be around people who make you happy. Have you told anyone else about the pregnancy?

Thanks Count, that's what I'm afraid of. But he's fantastic with his nephews and my nieces, he loves spending time with them, playing with them, he's really generous, kind and thoughtful with the kids. He's also previously said he does want children, and he wants them with me. What he's saying now is that he didn't want them yet, that he wanted to have longer to enjoy himself. I have told him if he wants to walk away then he can do and I'll have the baby by myself, but he said he will do the right thing and stick by me. It's just so wearing that he constantly miserable about it all.

My mum, sister, and a few close friends know. They're all very supportive. I've spoken to mum and sister about how he's acting (I didn't mention the abortion comment though) and they believe he's just a bit in shock but will come round.

Thanks for the support though, it's good to hear some other views and some tough love, I'm aware that he is being a twat.

Not a good situation. I do feel for him but he took a risk and now he will have to pay the price.

Inly time will tell if he will come around to the idea.

Maybe he will come round, possibly when he actually sees the baby and forms a bond. Do you really want to hang around and wait for that to happen though ?
Especially after what he has said, not so much about the abortion, but about you manipulating him.

It's a hard one. The positive thing is that he's still there and still talking, even if what he says is incredibly painful.

Tbh he is not your project. Someone can be as selfishe as they like if they learn not to act selfish. Actions count most.

He is in the process of becoming a father. Think of it as a kind of labour. I was fairly horrible to my partner during labour (though not nearly as horrible as I wanted to be) and spent quite a long time with my legs crossed hoping it would stop the baby coming out. Didn't mean I was such a terrible mother after he arrived.

Give it time. Parenthood goes in phases. This is a bad one. Listen to him but I wouldn't pull the parachute string just yet.

I can understand his upset. I can understandyour upset too.

He told you he didnt want a baby yet. Yiu wanted to start trying. But he should have refuses to start trying.

You dont work and now will be unlikely to get a job (yes i know they cant use pregnancy to decide wether you should get a job, but in the real world it happens. You just cant prove it) or if you do you wont get smp or emp. So he is going ti be financially responsible for you all.

You cant make he want this baby. You have both made mistakes in trying to early. Ge isnt ready and will have a lot of responsibility now. He may never come round to the baby.

You nees to plan how you are going to do this alone. Yes he will have to pay money for his child, wether he wants it or not. But he has no responsibility (support or financial) to you.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I was in a similar situation but with an unplanned pregnancy.
We had been to father about 7 years, living together for 5.
I wanted to keep the baby but DP was not happy at all. He said all the same thing about his life being over etc etc.
We talked and talked and I basically said I was keeping it with or without him. He said he loved me and cared about me and would support me.
After 12 week scan he cried and said it was amazing and he never thought he would feel like that.
The he proposed and we got married whilst I was pregnant.
Now DS is 10months and DP is an amazing dad, he loves him to bits and rushes home every night to see him. He says he can't believe how he acted before and if he knew how amazing it was to have a child he would have done it a long time ago (we are early 30s too).

Not to say your DP will be the same as mine as everyone is different and you should think about having the baby alone to prepare yourself for all scenarios.
I just wanted to give you a positive story from someone who was in a similar situation.

Congrats and I hope it works out for you.

Thanks everyone. I have savings and am able to support myself if needs be. I've offered these savings to help alleviate the financial pressure he's feeling, I've also offered to get a temp office job once I'm in my second trimester and feeling a bit better so that the responsibly isn't all on him to bring in money. His response was that if I have to work or use my savings then he's "failed as a man". I feel that ship has slightly sailed already frankly from his response. I'm both so angry and so sad about the whole situation.

I would try to accept that he doesn't want the baby and park it.
Time might change his mind - in fact, it probably will. But nothing you SAY is going to make him suddenly want the baby.

You were both foolish to try to conceive if you weren't both prepared to accept a pregnancy if it happened quickly. You must have been over the moon! (miscarriage and IVF here, so I can see it is amazing for you). But he really didn't want a child yet. He needs to take responsibility for making one anyway - but I would cut him some slack for his feelings because it really sounds like you pushed him into - you said he wasn't ready. I'm at him taking a gamble that it wouldn't happen though.

So... park changing his mind, and park feeling angry that he doesn't want it yet. It's a MASSIVE commitment, especially with you not working. He might have been an idiot to go ahead with TTC, but this is a huge change to his life that he wasn't expecting.

In the meantime, I would try to address the practical concerns. Is the epic holiday adaptable to travelling with a child?

hiimmumma thank you, that does give me some hope at least! I think I should almost be treating this pregnancy as unplanned given he clearly thought it wasn't going to happen.

I feel for him too, he didn't want one yet but you talked him into it and he should have been brave enough to say no.

He's now responsible for three people not just himself as you can't support yourself or the baby as you have no job and the chances of getting one now are slim.

He was very likely looking forward to the trip and to getting to experience things together as a new couple, two years is barely anytime to get to know a person fully.

He may not come round and you have to face that fact and that you may be doing this alone as your desire for a child over rode his feelings on the matter.

Ok, never ever assume / hope he will come around to the idea, ever.

This.

Or that your relationship will survive even if he does.

Happened to my friend. He reacted so negatively and so badly that she asked him to leave. He then proceeded to ignore her and the pregnancy. He decided he just didn't want to know, she had tricked him, she was a manipulative cow etc etc.

She ended up giving birth with her mother.

Anyway he DID come round, quite rapidly in fact. And is a great Dad who shares 50/50 custody. But their relationship is polite and civilised, nothing more. Never about anything non-child related.

Well that's the decision he made when he had unprotected sex wit you wasn't it? So I have zero sympathy for him.

Personally I wouldn't be moping around and hoping he came to his senses. I would be getting myself some sharp clothes, getting out there to copious interviews and getting myself a job and telling him to man the fuck up. Either he is with you or he isn't. If he isn't then you need to start flat hunting, if he is then good, let's go!

My DP wasn't convinced when I fell pregnant a month in. He was terrified probably for all the reasons your DP is. But he pulled his big boy pants up, cracked on with finding a job (he had recently been made redundant) and i found a job too after also being made redundant around the same time. We made it work and I'm now pregnant with no.3.

Ellisandra tbh from the conversations we had had, I thought we were ready! I never in a million years thought it would happen so quickly but we had been discussing next steps, marriage etc. This particular holiday isn't adaptable for a baby, but I've tried offering another holiday I know he wants that we could do with a baby. I have explained that even though the holiday might be on hiatus for a few years that we can prioritise it because it's important to him (it's an adventure type holiday not a beach/beautiful place type holiday)

Gosh this is a hard one OP. This should be the happiest time of your life

Give him a few weeks to get his head around it, and then think about what kind of a future you want together.

I'm taking everyone's points and it's good to hear other views.

I should make clear - I have plenty of savings and am quite capable of taking care of myself financially, with or without a job.

I love adventure holidays.
Next week I'm taking my 8yo kayaking, climbing, white water rafting, cycling and tandem paragliding.
I hope he can start to enjoy thinking ahead soon... I love that I can take her now!

I was in a very similar position to you OP. Planned pregnancy and as soon as the blue line appeared DP changed his mind.
I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. We stayed together, he came to all the scans etc but his heart wasn't in it.
Our relationship ended up being really volatile and we split when DS was 18 months old. Ex DP when NC til DS was 3, stuck around for 6 months then went NC again til DS was 9.
Ex DP now has a good relationship with DS(12) but it has taken a long time for them to build a bond. DS has SN as well which ex has found difficult to come to terms with.
Ex has never got over me going ahead with the pregnancy. He is still angry and bitter about it 12 years later. We have an amicable relationship for DS.
If I had gone with his wishes and had a termination I don't think we would have stayed together either. I love DS but it has been hard doing it all alone.

He had a long term relationship in which he purposefully had unprotected sex and tried to have a baby.

Now the OP is pregnant and people feel sorry for him?

Feel sorry for the kid maybe but this fully grown adult had a choice. Not like she tricked him into it!

If you did have an abortion there is no way you'd be staying with him OP. Maybe he needs to be aware of that.

(Ahem. Tried to conceive a baby, not have one. That would be a bit tricky for most blokes.)

Plus as someone who fell pregnant very easily with no.2 we then experienced secondary infertility and 3 miscarriages. So please don't think that you can just fall pregnant really easily because you've succeeded this time. You could abort and try again at a time that he was happy with and find you were now totally infertile.