Pregnant, DP doesn't want it, devastated

[Anothercliche]

I'm a long time lurker on mumsnet but I've finally decided to post for some advice. I found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant, it will be our first child. It was planned, but happened very quickly (2nd month trying). I'm absolutely thrilled, but my 'D'P has gone from bad to worse in his reaction to the news (at least that's what it seems to me, but I'm very hormonal so wanted a sanity check). So far his responses have been to tell me he doesn't want it, he's not ready, that his life is over and he can't do any of the things he wanted to anymore (we had an epic holiday planned for next year that now isn't going to be possible and he's very disappointed about that). He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility despite this being a planned pregnancy that I have longed for, I have told him quite clearly this is absolutely not an option. He's told me that he feels I've manipulated him into this, that I lied to him (I had fertility issues with my ex that resulted in a miscarriage, 4 years trying and no baby - diagnosis of unexplained infertility) and told me every time he remembers I'm pregnant he feels deeply unhappy. We were both expecting that due to my previous fertility issues it would take a long time to fall pregnant, so I pushed to start sooner than he was ready for, as I was worried about time not being on my side (we are early thirties, but I want more than one child). We have sat down and had a couple of long conversations about this where I have gently tried to talk him through his fears (losing his freedom, his youth, being a bad dad, monetary responsibilities) but we have got absolutely nowhere. I'm totally devastated that he is acting this way and have told him I think he is incredibly selfish, self-centred and immature. He agrees with all these points and uses it as further ammunition for why we shouldn't be having a child together.

As more background, I have recently finished some further education and am currently unemployed (I really wasn't expecting pregnancy this quickly and was planning on getting a job first). We've been together nearly 2 years but known each other longer, we moved in together late last year. He can be a little selfish sometimes, which we'd had some chats about previously and he had acknowledged this and was getting much better.

I guess what I'm asking is, at the moment I think he's just freaking out about something he wasn't quite ready for and is not being very pleasant about it. But I'm hoping that as the news settles in and he comes to scans, and eventually holds his baby in his arms, that his opinion will change? He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is and I don't know how to deal with it. It's really getting me down as well Has anyone been through similar and the dad has come around to the idea?

It's the blame that is definitely the hardest part.

I completely understand that he is scared. So am I! If it was just being worried I would happily talk him through it and make plans that help him to feel better about it. But every time I try he shuts it down and tells me again that I lied to him and he's miserable now.

Angels

Yes some of them do or say they felt pressurised. Often it is simply the reality of a pregnancy that is shocking compared tot he idea of it especially if they thought it was possibly years away.

Correct me if I've missed it but I haven't seen the OP say he's used the word tricked at all. And only that he feels trapped not that she's trapped him- very different.

Don't use your savings now if you can, and certainly not to take financial pressure off him. You're not married and don't have a job: you'll need the money if, as seems likely, you will soon be a single parent.

Don't feel that you have to make it up to him. Both of you did this!

You had fertility problems with previous partner and based your plans on that. You didn't know about your present partner's extreme virility! (He should have warned you.)

You sound ready to be a great parent whatever happens.

He sounds a bit shocked. If you love him - give him time to find his feet again and to see the positive side of parenting. (Life isn't over!)
Be patient - as you are being - and try not to resent this. He'll probably be ashamed of himself when he looks back on this and will remember your grace.

I think he's been a coward and it's got up and bitten him. You were ready for a baby, he wasn't. But instead of saying so and having an honest, if difficult, conversation about it, he's made all the right noises for an easy life, and relied on your previous fertility issues for it not actually happening.

But it did. And his little ploy, far from making his life easier, has made him come clean and now things are much more difficult for both of you.

He may come round to the idea, he may not. But I don't think his heart was ever really in it, so you have to be prepared for him not doing.

The thing is OP this blame is so common - it's not particular to you and in this situation - so many men agree to have a kid, sometimes press for it themselves, and then turn round and say they've changed their mind can you have an abortion, or they didn't want one and were pressured/tricked into etc. I've heard this story so many times in different variants.

It's just a way of justifying not taking responsibility for their life choices.

Slightly different situation for us, married, wanted children at some point but before we even started trying I was diagnosed with endometriosis.

After rounds of meds and operations I was told that it would be the IVF route and because I was 28 I was the right side of 30 and basically to start trying for a baby NOW. We were in shock. But it was explained that in order to go the IVF route we had to have tried for a year and at 6 months in they would give me Clomid to make me produce more eggs and stand a better chance of pregnancy.

The consultant said to us, well we know you want children, this is a long journey and we have to start now. You are married, financially solvent, what is the problem? We were saying, well we have this amazing expensive holiday booked and we just aren't ready. He said what if you get 5 years down the line and you still aren't pregnant?

OP you are already at this point, you have technically tried for years to get pregnant.

Upshot for me was we went home and talked about trying for a baby but it was all theoretical. Imagine our complete shock when a few weeks later I missed a period and for a laugh did a pregnancy check.

We were just blown away by it. Yes inconvenient but if there is anything to be said about babies and children they are hardly convenient are they? And yes, even though planned we still shat ourselves. I mean, what about this amazing holiday, or work, or money or savings or or or....

Ds1 is now 14 and his brother 11.

As you are in your early 30s I would say you have to take this opportunity with both hands but be prepared to do it alone. He is being a dick.

I should differentiate this scenario from those where a woman got pregnant genuinely unexpectedly, maybe early in a relationship, or came off the pill intentionally without telling partner - which is pretty rare but does happen occasionally.

I am referring to situations like the OP where a man has seemingly agreed to try for a baby.

it's a terrible idea to choose to have a baby with a man who isn't backing it 100%. whatever you are expecting... it is harder than that! it puts your relationship under a lot of pressure.

i can't quite understand why you would TTC if you weren't prepared for a BFP. it's not a cumulative effect

he sounds like a wazzock so i'm not sure why you would want him as your child's father in the first place. this whole situation sounds like a big fat nope to me.

Hi OP, I haven't read all posts but your initial post struck a chord as you described my situation 20 years ago almost exactly. Planned pregnancy, once the test was positive and the reality set in, ex H changed his mind and tried to insist on an abortion. He maintained that he wanted children with me but "in a couple of years" and that to have this baby would "interfere with next year's World Cup"(!)

We had also moved abroad a couple of years earlier so had no family support. To cut a long story short, I went ahead and had DD, all the time hoping that he would change his mind, upon seeing the baby would realise what it would be like as a family etc. In fact, the week before the birth - and I left work in the same day that I gave birth - I found a collection of email passwords along the lines of "miscarry", "losethekid" etc, leaving me in no doubt.

I gave birth alone and my parents pretty much disowned me for being a single parent. I had six weeks maternity leave from work. The next year was rough as ex H moved in and out - it was unsettling and in the end I gave him an ultimatum: stay with us or leave. He left.

He's not had any contact for many years (about 16) and never paid a penny. DD is nearly 20 and I've never regretted for a single second anything that happened. We have a wonderful relationship, she's just finished her first year at university, we're reconciled with my parents and have been back in the UK for 14 years.

Things don't always work out as planned, but you can still be happy. And the above is worst case scenario for some people, I suppose. My advice would echo some PPs - assume that you might be alone, and from the sound of it you'd be fine, and then anything else is a bonus.

I will admit, the first time me and my ex found out she was expecting, I switched to panic, and handled it incredibly badly.."not ready, can't do it, life over, abort" etc. Totally freaked out, to my eternal shame.

We lost them, unfortunately, very early on (weeks). By that time I'd sorted myself out, slapped myself round the head, really got into it. Gutted was not the word, for either of us.

I can't tell you how much my reaction back then haunts me now, i was stupid, I was panicking, and just couldn't deal.

It took me a week or so to really get out of my panic and into "now, this will need doing, we'll need that, let's do this" frame of mind. I was so lost in thought at work I walked face first into a closed door. Much to my colleagues amusement.

Luckily, we were lucky again, and I'm now dad to a 5 year old DS/7 Year old DD. we may not be together anymore, unrelated to the kids, but I'd change nothing. It's far from "life over", more "fun begins"..

BeepBeep, you're right OP didn't say that and I don't want to imply her partner said he'd been trapped, I just meant the type of man in general who has unprotected sex and then blame the woman when she gets pregnant.

I just find it very hard to have sympathy for grown men who do this.

Lobsterquadrille2 the first part of your post sounds exactly like what's happening to me. I really hope that if the outcome is similar then I can find some happiness in the situation like you did.

daddyorscience it's great to hear your story, I'm very worried that given my previous fertility issues I could lose this one, and then he could refuse to ever try again and considers it a lucky escape

I know he sounds like a bad person - he isn't. I was well aware of his selfish steak beforehand and accepted that it would likely be me doing all the legwork because of that (like night feeds, dealing with crying, nappy changes etc). I'm ok with that. Mostly I think this freaking out is because of the huge sense of responsibility that he's suddenly feeling (and doesn't want to feel) because he won't back out of his duty to this child. I just wish he could see the joy in this

accepted that it would likely be me doing all the legwork because of that

Substitute "legwork" for "parenting" there. Cos that's what you're saying. This isn't Victorian times. Men don't get to pat Johnny on the head whilst he's clean and quiet before going out to their club to drink with their friends.

every time I try he shuts it down and tells me again that I lied to him and he's miserable now

I don't think I could get past that accusation. It's one thing to be scared at a massive upheaval, quite another to say things like that.

I couldn't stand having such a useless lump around wailing and moaning "ohhhhhhh I'm sooooooo miserable because you liiiiiiieeeed!". I'd tell your family/friends/his family the truth about how he is behaving because you're going to need all the support you can get.

I'm sorry, OP.

I was well aware of his selfish steak beforehand and accepted that it would likely be me doing all the legwork because of that (like night feeds, dealing with crying, nappy changes etc). I'm ok with that.

Why the fuck are you okay with that? You - and your baby - deserve so much better.

God I get so cross when I read stuff like this.

JigglyTuff partly I'm ok with it because he does shift work, so it would be difficult for him to take on any set roles/responsibilities because he's often up or asleep at odd times. Partly because he's working and I'm not (I would expect more help if I was working, yes) and also partly because it's a division of labour. I might not expect him to help out as much with a baby, but I would expect him to do more around the house/garden, cook more etc. Where his strengths are and the things he'd find easier to help with.

Although of course right now all of that it's kind of moot, given that we're barely talking.

We're going on a short break with his family soon. I want to tell them I'm pregnant despite it being early (and I don't think I'll be able to hide it while we're with them constantly for a few days). I'm hoping once it's out in the open he can have a proper chat with his dad about it and maybe get his head together a bit more. I know he feels ashamed of the way he's acting but like PPs have said, they're his genuine feelings and he should be able to express them to me (albeit I would have preferred a bit softer on some of the language used!)

What if you terminate this one, and you're never able to conceive again, you'd regret it for the rest of your life.

The only thing you can do is give him a bit of time, if he doesn't come round after the birth, then time to call it quits.

I don't know why anyone feels sorry for him either. Anyone who is capable of accusing his newly pregnant partner of lying and tricking him, in addition to suggesting she abort her much wanted pregnancy, certainly isn't someone who can be bullied into trying for a baby against his wishes.

Tbh OP I would be going it alone. You were already resigned to doing most of the work anyway, it's actually far easier to just crack on and do it as a lone parent that do it all whilst your perfectly capable co-parent sits on his arse and watches.

Anothercliche ah yes, I remember all too well ex H saying "I've always been honest with you" - like you, I wished that he could be a. It less brutal but, looking back, I can (kind of) understand better. Essentially he realised that the ultimate choice was going to be mine and he wanted to hammer his points home as hard as he could - it was borne from panic and loss of control. He even used lines like "you will look hideous fat", knowing how that would hurt, and I'm deeply ashamed to say that I barely ate for the nine months and only put on 10 pounds. Luckily DD was seven pounds and fine. I was also banned from telling anyone or buying any baby items - I had to hide them in my office. If I could do it again, I think I would just drop the whole subject and not involve him in any of it.

Congrats! Sorry for the situation you're now in. I can understand his fear, I am pregnant and was keener than my husband to stop using contraception and then I got terrified whereas he was calm and happy.

So I understand wanting A then feeling terrified by A. That's not to say everything your partner is saying or doing is acceptable because it isn't and sounds really upsetting esp when dealing with early pregnancy. I don't know what you can do other than recognising his response and working out how you need to organise yourself now, knowing how he feels. I don't think it's a case of oh all men are like that at the start etc and it'll be fine. He might but can't really rely on it can you. It's shit of course.

Just on the financial situation. I'm early 30s and was very worried about money at one point too (I don't know why as we discussed it before ttc and we have fairly equal and good incomes (combined income of over 100k (Not london) i have great maternity package and we have savings. It's not logical) So again if you're a one income family with no mat pay or job to return too - plus childcare costs - then even with savings I'd worry about that too. It'll be fine I'm sure but I would worry. Two things struck me as odd: you said you've "offered" your savings rather than I will use my savings. And he says he'll have failed as a man?! How are you currently paying your living expenses are you contributing from another non work or non savings source or is he currently paying. I would be a total stress head if mine was only income, even if partner had savings as unless millions it's finite. I'd try not to be a dick though!

Of course op you're disappointed that your dp isn't over the moon like you want to be. [only perhaps you feel that you can't - because he isn't feeling the same.]

I think I'd leave him in his silence but still be happy for myself - don't miss out on the joy yourself of this beautiful time. Share it with everyone else and let go of your expectations of him for a while.

Give him plenty of space, stop trying to talk him round instead put your effort into yourself by learning not to allow what he thinks/feels to overshadow your own feelings. You have plenty of time to change your strategy if needed later.

Get a temp job asap if you temp or sign on as looking for work you will be entitled to maternity allowance

I do feel for him actually, and I'm surprising myself by saying that.

It sounds like you "sold" the idea of TTC on the basis that it wasn't going to happen for a long time, if at all. You made plans for holidays and new jobs. Not many people do that when they start TTC!