Pregnant, DP doesn't want it, devastated

[Anothercliche]

I'm a long time lurker on mumsnet but I've finally decided to post for some advice. I found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant, it will be our first child. It was planned, but happened very quickly (2nd month trying). I'm absolutely thrilled, but my 'D'P has gone from bad to worse in his reaction to the news (at least that's what it seems to me, but I'm very hormonal so wanted a sanity check). So far his responses have been to tell me he doesn't want it, he's not ready, that his life is over and he can't do any of the things he wanted to anymore (we had an epic holiday planned for next year that now isn't going to be possible and he's very disappointed about that). He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility despite this being a planned pregnancy that I have longed for, I have told him quite clearly this is absolutely not an option. He's told me that he feels I've manipulated him into this, that I lied to him (I had fertility issues with my ex that resulted in a miscarriage, 4 years trying and no baby - diagnosis of unexplained infertility) and told me every time he remembers I'm pregnant he feels deeply unhappy. We were both expecting that due to my previous fertility issues it would take a long time to fall pregnant, so I pushed to start sooner than he was ready for, as I was worried about time not being on my side (we are early thirties, but I want more than one child). We have sat down and had a couple of long conversations about this where I have gently tried to talk him through his fears (losing his freedom, his youth, being a bad dad, monetary responsibilities) but we have got absolutely nowhere. I'm totally devastated that he is acting this way and have told him I think he is incredibly selfish, self-centred and immature. He agrees with all these points and uses it as further ammunition for why we shouldn't be having a child together.

As more background, I have recently finished some further education and am currently unemployed (I really wasn't expecting pregnancy this quickly and was planning on getting a job first). We've been together nearly 2 years but known each other longer, we moved in together late last year. He can be a little selfish sometimes, which we'd had some chats about previously and he had acknowledged this and was getting much better.

I guess what I'm asking is, at the moment I think he's just freaking out about something he wasn't quite ready for and is not being very pleasant about it. But I'm hoping that as the news settles in and he comes to scans, and eventually holds his baby in his arms, that his opinion will change? He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is and I don't know how to deal with it. It's really getting me down as well Has anyone been through similar and the dad has come around to the idea?

fairgame84 that's really tough I'll so sorry for you. That is exactly the situation I'm most afraid of. Did your ex give a reason why he changed his mind?

I've been vaguely where you are and things didn't really end how you are hoping they will.

I went ahead with the pregnancy and we split with him reluctantly showing up to scans etc and going through the motions.

When the baby was born things were hard for a while, he didn't really bond but did eventually.

Fast forward 11 years and he loves the "baby" and she is the apple of his eye. He has always paid for her etc but we never got back together. He never wanted to live with us.

I don't feel sorry for him either.
We started ttc because we thought it would take ages, and were shocked when it happened straight away. We too cancelled a big adventure holiday because I would have been pregnant when we were going to do it.

Things like this do happen. Very few people actually plan a pregnancy because although you are ttc you don't actually know when you will.
It sounds like you had a discussion about it and you put across your point of view and offered the potential situation - it taking quite a while to happen. He agreed. He could have said no. This is not your fault op.

I also struggled with fertility with my ex and had no luck after trying for 4 years.

Met my now dp and after less than a year we decided to start to try for a baby knowing that i was likely to struggle and became pregnant the first time trying.

He was shocked.

Baby arrived 6 weeks ago and he is over the moon with his child.
He struggles sometimes but so do I, it's all new to us and will get easier

SleepFreeZone I'm very aware of that, it's part of the reason I've said no to having a termination. I had a lot of fertility investigations and operations with my ex and I was so so surprised and thrilled to find out I was pregnant. I love him, but I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do just to keep him.

MissWimpyDimple I'm sorry. It's sounding a lot like that might be where I'm heading too

I don't think 'it should be the happiest time of your life' is the way to think right now. People don't fit into boxes. I should be clear that I think his reaction is ridiculous (he's in his early 30th not 19 fgs) but ridiculing him isn't helpful. He is who he is,he won't be the first or last man to panic attacks this moment. I would have to pick up that 'failed as a man' thing though. Where did that come from?

Changing the subject completely, what are your outlaws like? Are his parents around, positive influences?

tiba I'm so glad it worked out for you! How did your DP react with the shock? I'm just trying to gauge if there's any level of "normal" to my OH's reaction or if he's genuinely being a complete twunt.

He had a long term relationship in which he purposefully had unprotected sex and tried to have a baby

Now the OP is pregnant and people feel sorry for him

It's completely bizarre. I can't believe anyone is taking his manipulations seriously. Who doesn't know that as soon as you have unprotected sex pregnancy may result? He was perfectly capable of saying no he didn't want try for a baby for another couple of years. It sounds to me like he was hoping it would never happen. I highly doubt he would be in a significantly different headspace 2 years hence.

Whether this is a short term panic or he's a long term twat only time will tell.

annandale in-laws are absolutely lovely, live round the corner, we see them roughly every other week or so. They totally live for their children and grandchildren, it's part of the reason that I think he is a bit selfish - they put him and his sister first before themselves and now he believes that is how you have to be as a parent. Hence why he believes his life is over, because now someone else will always come first. I've tried to explain that that's not how I was brought up and I'm fine, and that it's totally possible to have children and still be your own person with your own interests and hobbies, while loving them and giving them a good upbringing.

Did your ex give a reason why he changed his mind?

He just said that he wasn't ready and we were too young. He still maintains that I ruined his life and trapped him by having DS. I think he liked the idea of having a baby but not the reality. I was surprised because he loves kids and is great with them. He just doesn't like responsibility and says that he is not a 'family man'.

If you really want to stay with this man, then find ways to show him he can still have time with friends, tell him that he has a pass to go out with his friends 2 times a month and that you will cost it into everyday life, all you can do is show him this isn't the end of the world, but a very nice way to a new better life, remember all his friends will be starting the same journey soon, and as yours will be one of the older children you will be able to do more sooner than the rest of the group.

We were in an identical situation in that I was told that I might have trouble conceiving, so we chucked out the pills and let nature take its course - which it did - I did not have a period again till the unexpected baby finishes breast-feeding!

We were both a bit blown away and had to back out of a house purchase because of it.

But we took a deep breath and dived in - and all was well in the end.

It must be so sad for you that your OH is having this reaction - hang on in there - don't keep talking about it - just get on with life. If he still feels the same after the birth, then you may need to consider your position. I am so glad that you have good family support.

TBH I find this whole scenario pretty irritating - why do folk assume that they are entitled to keep on "enjoying themselves" way into adulthood, before growing up and getting stuck into real life? And why think that enjoyment ceases when you have a family. He needs to grow up a bit - I am sure you will agree with that!

Lots of good luck with all this - and congratulations.

Why are people feeling sorry for him? He must know penis in vagina sex means chance of pregnancy at mid 30s age!

I would split up, at least temporarily to see if you still want to be with him.

If he feels he has failed as a man just tell him to stop whining and moaning as it's getting you down. He needs to man up and put on a brave face and support each other.

fairgame84 that sounds familiar

mummmy2017 yes I've tried similar suggestions when we've talked about why he's reacted this way. I've been very clear that he will still be able to go out with friends, do fun things etc. My mum has already said she would be absolutely thrilled to babysit whenever we want if we want date nights/ weekends away etc

It's all me me me with him. His former life will end, but so will yours with the birth of a child, but then you begin a new life. It's not so bad having a child.

He needs to stop being so self centred.

I meant that it should be the the happiest time of the OP's life... Her first baby after years of fertility issues and a miscarriage. Of course it bloody should be, and he is spoiling that for her.

Even if he does come around, I would find his reaction very hard to forgive. It's not as if you tricked him, or had a contraceptive failure, you both knew exactly what you were doing, and what might happen.

Thanks everyone. Deep breath, feeling a bit better. It was really getting to me this morning, but this has helped. Both the supportive comments and those showing me a bit more insight into how he's maybe feeling.

I don't feel remotely sorry for him - he's a pathetic manchild. But I think your relationship is likely over, whatever you decide to do.

OR if you want it to continue, you will be the one doing all the heavy lifting. The long sleepless nights? That'll be you. The taking to endless dull baby groups and pushing on swings? That'll be you. Because I suspect that he is very likely to throw 'you know I didn't want this baby' every single time you want him to step up.

So - you're either a single parent or saddled with a useless fuck. I know which I'd choose.

Fucking hell don't be promising him he can still live the life of a childless single man!!! Promising him that the child will have little impact on his social life is the quickest way to break up when you realise just how big a commitment a baby is and you need his support. He either needs to be 100% in or you need to go it alone.

He doesn't want this child, he doesn't want to be a father, he wants you to abort... He has labelled you manipulative so that when he wants out, he can put all the blame on you.

In your shoes, I would keep the baby but dump the man-child. Be brutally honest with ALL the family, including his, as to why. As you will never be able to depend upon him 100%, I would set up as a single parent, aim to cope with your families help and be a strong, independent role model for your child.

He may see you coping and having a great life and decide he wants back in.
THAT would be a whole new decision to make...

He sounds like a grade A prick. Having a baby is not a game and if he wasn't ready for it, he shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with you, but it sounds as if he's reluctant to take any responsibility for his choices.

I'm so sorry OP, but I think you need to start thinking of yourself as single and as to if you want to raise a child on your own, he's shown you that you can't remotely rely on him. Sure, he may change his mind, but don't count on it. I'd be absolutely furious with him if I was you, how dare he put you in this position.

Give him some time to process it if you can, but if he doesn't come around LTB. You and your baby are worthy of someone who likes to have you both around.

I feel sorry for him. He can't help how he is feeling and he shouldn't hide these feeling or lie to OP.

Plenty and plenty of women plan a pregnancy and change their mind after conceiving- there are threads on it everyday. A lot of women also contemplate abortions early on but go on to have well loved babies. No one calls them pathetic.

BeepBeep, do those women also claim that their male partners tricked them into it and now they're trapped? Or do they take responsibility for their own choices and deal with it?

Being scared isn't a crime, but putting full "blame" on the OP for HIS choices is disgusting.

Did he think that it was never going to happen? Because of your previous issues - did he think he was just appeasing you and that he would have loads of time and then you'd start talking about IVF and then how would he have reacted?

I was on the opposite side of this - I conceived much faster than I expected, and only tried after DH really really went on about wanting another. I really love my child, and wouldn't give him back, but there will always be a bit of me that feels really stupid that i "let" myself get into that situation. Idiotic for an adult...with such huge repercussions.

He can't make this your fault, he needs to go with his own feelings. Sod off or step up.