Pregnant, DP doesn't want it, devastated

[Anothercliche]

I'm a long time lurker on mumsnet but I've finally decided to post for some advice. I found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant, it will be our first child. It was planned, but happened very quickly (2nd month trying). I'm absolutely thrilled, but my 'D'P has gone from bad to worse in his reaction to the news (at least that's what it seems to me, but I'm very hormonal so wanted a sanity check). So far his responses have been to tell me he doesn't want it, he's not ready, that his life is over and he can't do any of the things he wanted to anymore (we had an epic holiday planned for next year that now isn't going to be possible and he's very disappointed about that). He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility despite this being a planned pregnancy that I have longed for, I have told him quite clearly this is absolutely not an option. He's told me that he feels I've manipulated him into this, that I lied to him (I had fertility issues with my ex that resulted in a miscarriage, 4 years trying and no baby - diagnosis of unexplained infertility) and told me every time he remembers I'm pregnant he feels deeply unhappy. We were both expecting that due to my previous fertility issues it would take a long time to fall pregnant, so I pushed to start sooner than he was ready for, as I was worried about time not being on my side (we are early thirties, but I want more than one child). We have sat down and had a couple of long conversations about this where I have gently tried to talk him through his fears (losing his freedom, his youth, being a bad dad, monetary responsibilities) but we have got absolutely nowhere. I'm totally devastated that he is acting this way and have told him I think he is incredibly selfish, self-centred and immature. He agrees with all these points and uses it as further ammunition for why we shouldn't be having a child together.

As more background, I have recently finished some further education and am currently unemployed (I really wasn't expecting pregnancy this quickly and was planning on getting a job first). We've been together nearly 2 years but known each other longer, we moved in together late last year. He can be a little selfish sometimes, which we'd had some chats about previously and he had acknowledged this and was getting much better.

I guess what I'm asking is, at the moment I think he's just freaking out about something he wasn't quite ready for and is not being very pleasant about it. But I'm hoping that as the news settles in and he comes to scans, and eventually holds his baby in his arms, that his opinion will change? He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is and I don't know how to deal with it. It's really getting me down as well Has anyone been through similar and the dad has come around to the idea?

Raising the subject is basically communicating he would like her to have an abortion without actually using those words.

No-one on this thread has claimed he asked her to have an abortion. One poster mentioned it in passing when asking you if your DP had asked you to have one. I.e. shorthand for whether the issue had come up, not accusing OP's DP of doing so.

I wouldn't personally cut a long term DP slack who agreed to try for a baby and raised abortion as soon I got pregnant, no. I don't think he's the one who needs to be cut slack.

Congrats on your baby. He is not a project to work on. If you want the baby tell him you're having it and you're happy to go it alone/with family support if he doesn't want to be involved. ask him if he is in or out and give him a short deadline to decide.
I did this with my now dh 6 years ago- although it was a bit different as baby was unplanned and he was freaking out - understandably. He chose in and we are very happily married with 3 dc now! Don't keep pandering to him- either he joins you in bringing up your child or he doesn't.

he shuts it down and tells me again that I lied to him and he's miserable now.

So he believes you are a liar then. That's what I wouldn't be able to get over.

He can be scared and anxious, but it seems he's accusing you of making up the fertility issues you had.

I wouldn't want a reluctant father and if I were you, I'd tell him to be very careful with his words, because you don't know if you'll be able to forgive him, if or when he finally comes round to the idea.

His words will keep going on in your mind and it will affect your trust in him.

Personally, if he is so miserable, I'd have to end the relationship, because I couldn't deal with his blame. He can be a parent without living with you, but I'd not be in a relationship with him.

Let him go on the holiday by himself.

I refuse to be the source of misery accusations, so I'd be forced to call time.

I wouldn't LTB right away but I wouldn't be pandering to his childish act. It's very unattractive. But I would give him a chance to calm down and think it over a bit.
However if he is really the nasty selfish, lazy, irresponsible man child he appears in the OP he won't be a big loss if it comes down to it.

Hopefully he comes round for you before too much damage is done.

Think I would struggle though to accept or respect a man who won't pull his weight with his child in terms of grunt work. I can sort of see that you might say 'I'll do the nappies, you do the bins' or whatever but I would find it real struggle to maintain a relationship where I am the sole 'responsible' parent in child related matters.

I'm just trying to say that IME looking after your child is not really comparable to doing the cooking on an on-going basis. It's a different thing. That said, horses for courses and it may work for some.

I think he should take his 'I'm so miserable' comments and fuck off. He must know how exciting this is for you. I think you should tel him to either support you with your planned baby or leave, that this mooching around mentioning abortion is NOT a relationship. It is not your job to mollycoddle him through this childish meltdown, that's a terrible relationship dynamic to become parents. Tell his parents, show your excitement and start planning.
You seem quite happy to mollycoddle him through your life though. Shift work means when he is up in the night he can do all nappies etc without even the inconvenience of waking up, not that he is a precious petal who should be excused from parenting. If the only thing you expect from a dad is money , why not make it child maintenance?

My last baby was a shock to both of us in our early/ mid 40s ( I'd been 'perimenopausal' and we'd been careless) I was also very happy, but he reacted like I tricked him into it and mentioned abortion, citing our ages etc. He was quite horrid until about 20 weeks, refused to think about names and then suddenly turned nice again, making me feel pathetically grateful. Thankfully our son was healthy but he NEVER did a night feed not once. He loves our boy (now nearly 12) as he does the others, but I still harbour some bitter feelings for the blame he put on me, and the fact that he refused point blank to get a vasectomy, I got sterilised at the time of birth ( my only c section)

I'm sorry I don't get why you were trying if he told you he wasn't ready. I think you need to set him free - if you were meant to be as a couple he will come back to you. Unfort at the moment he resents you and I can't see how he will get past this if he feels trapped. He needs some space to make up his mind. Hopefully he'll miss you and things will be how you want them long-term.

When you go for your initial midwife appointments - this happens to every woman - if your partner is with you she sends him out of the room and asks about any aggression, anger or violence. They make it very clear that aggression, anger and violence can begin during pregnancy. One because the man feels 'trapped' and two because they think they have 'trapped' you and you cannot leave.

It is not uncommon for men to respond like this to planned pregnancies - not pleasant, obviously, utterly repugnant frankly, but you can see this forum's full of them. They are disgusting liars who like the idea of condom-free sex and assume the headlines about mass infertility will keep them off the hook. They don't actually want children.

They become the sort of loathsome creatures we see in "DH completely ignores the children" threads, or "Ex-H has left us and now refuses to see the children" ones. They do not grow. They do not change.

He is calling you a liar over the greatest and most important decision you made together. He will do this again. If you marry. Buy a home together. You will think everything's fine but he will later accuse it all of being 'a lie' and you will be the villain, apparently able to make him do anything you wish. When the relationship ends, you will be painted as the monster.

I have seen this model of man in my extended family. Everyone thought he would 'mature'. He's mid to late 40s now and never 'matured' but he did damage two women and abandoned three children. They were both, of course, 'psycho lying bitches' who held him at gunpoint through marriages, planned-for pregnancies, baby showers and the collection of cheques (he likes that part.) He refuses to see or spend time with the children and their heartbreak is seriously chilling to witness.

So I'm a little sensitive to this, I guess.

But I'd say he can't be trusted as far as can be thrown.

It is not uncommon for men to respond like this to planned pregnancies - not pleasant, obviously, utterly repugnant frankly, but you can see this forum's full of them

Exactly my point earlier. Although it's impossible for the OP not to take his reaction personally, it's actually quite generic.

Your boyfriend has been behaving in a disgusting manner. How could you ever forget his vitriol and whining in the future? When your kid goes to school/loses a tooth/learns to drive his vermin will be ringing in your ears.

If he didn't want to conceive, he should have had a vasectomy or worn a condom, or abstained. Those are his choices. He CONSENTED to procreating and is now behaving like a fucking piece of shit. How dare he?

God, why are so many posters painting such a bleak future for the OP if she gives her DP a chance... encouraging her to basically throw the baby out with the bathwater! (i.e. the unpleasantness of her DP at the moment with the chance of a happy family life with the father of her child in the future)

Plan to do this single, starting now. But mean it. He is NOT on the birth certificate. He might get on board later. He might not. His attitude now is unforgivable forever. The blaming will be his stick to beat you with forever.

I'd be telling his parents the truth. I'm pregnant, I'm delighted but your son doesn't want it. Tell them how he has utterly spoilt these exciting first days/weeks, and you're not sure you can move past that and forgive the awful things he's said. Tell them they will be welcome to be a part of their grandchild's life but as far as you're concerned you he's behaved appallingly and you will be raising your much loved and wanted baby alone. Tell them what he's said and they should be totally ashamed of him.
You're far more patient and forgiving than me op. At the first moaning and whinging about missing a holiday and having a ruined life, I'd have said 'no no dear, you can have your fab life and adventure holiday, off the fuck you go' Bags packed, gone. No wheedling or talking him round or offering to do everything for the baby or offering your savings. Off. Gone. Bye bye.

I think he should take his 'I'm so miserable' comments and fuck off. He must know how exciting this is for you. I think you should tel him to either support you with your planned baby or leave, that this mooching around mentioning abortion is NOT a relationship. It is not your job to mollycoddle him through this childish meltdown, that's a terrible relationship dynamic to become parents. Tell his parents, show your excitement and start planning.
This, x millions!
I'd tell him to live somewhere else for a week or two, because I didn't want to hear his miserable moaning, or to see his miserable face, and he needs to decide if he's in or he's out, in the time that he's living away.
You'll resent him more and more, and he you, and I just can't see how you could continue to live together reasonably happy, if he does not want this pregnancy, that he actually agreed to in the first place. He will end up blaming you forever, and use it as justification to be a lazy uninvolved father and partner.
Much better that you settle the matter of his involvement and commitment earlier in pregnancy, so you can better prepare for your future.

He's spoiling something that should be so special for you both, and his behaviour is inexcusable given that he was a willing participant. You and your baby deserve better, sweetheart and no child needs a father that says he'll be there if he has to.
Do not under any circumstances make allowances for his behaviour. You both had every opportunity to say that you weren't ready for this, but he decides to tell you after the inevitable. He's not scared, or panicking. He's an arsehole. You poor thing, this must be awful.

"God, why are so many posters painting such a bleak future for the OP."

Because men who tell their wives to get abortions for planned children are not 'normal', it is not 'healthy' and they do not 'get better' and morph into loving fathers. They become absent fathers and abusive exes.

As someone who got pregnant within 1/2 months of trying (or not 'not' trying) after thinking it would take years to conceive, I know where you are coming from.

If having children is extremely important to you, I wouldn't have an abortion at this time. You may never get over it. Sorry, just my opinion (I had an abortion once).
It highly plausible that your DP will come around over time, however I wouldn't bank on it. Plan if you want to have this baby on your own, and how. You need to ask yourself if staying with him is more important to you than being a mother. Who knows, pregnancy may not be as easy next time. It's very much a hard one but personally I wouldn't choose a relationship with this man over ever becoming a mother. Hope you find some answers, OP.

Honestly I'd pack a bag and go and stay with my mum start building a life for you and little one. If he comes round, brilliant. But have a plan if he doesn't.
He's had a bit of time and is still being a twat, hurling insults at you when he was quite happy trying.

I conceived on the pill, and in a new relationship. Not 1 wobble from dh, we had to move in, get a house as well as get our heads round being parents. First time I met his family I was pregnant and visa versa.
Neither of us had a wobble it was hard, but we were both on board. We were both quite late to the parenting party so knew this could be a last chance for both of us (bit like you) we jumped in.

Good luck, look after yourself and your little one.

I'm not to sure realistically how your relationship can last if he doesn't come round:

you abort =you'll resent him, especially if you can't conceive / he's never ready.

You have the baby = him resenting you, you doing everything and resenting him. Meanwhile your poor baby is in a house with a dick for a dad showing them no interest.

Start listening to him

'God why are so many posters painting such a bleak future for the OP'

Because her partner sounds like a selfish arse. You may be painting your own outcome as a 'success story' but I wouldn't call a father who barely does any actual care for their child most women's idea of a good co-parent. Hopefully the OP will recognise that she and her child deserve better and won't settle for such a man, unless he grows up pretty damn quick.

I'd also worry about him getting cold feet in the future; before a wedding, buying a property, etc.

Of course we all hope he will come around, and be a brilliant father and supportive partner to you OP, but I personally would prepare as if he won't.

I had this kind of reaction with my DH years ago, and it kept up right until the baby was born! He never had much patience with our son, and they even had a fistfight once.... They do not speak to each other at all now, and haven't for years. I would run for the hills if I were you, knowing what I know now.

Should have added: DH did apologize to me for his behaviour when I was pregnant, and I thought he loved our son, but he never did have that patience with him, and the end result is a very unhappy young man.

Just to update everyone (and thank you all for the advice, I have been reading and paying attention) I had a bit of a scare on Saturday with bleeding and clots. Had a scan on Tuesday which DP took time off work to come to with me. He was really good, very supportive and looked after me on Sunday/Monday while I was worrying. They found a heartbeat at the scan but the fetus is smaller than it should be at this point so I'm still a bit worried. I've booked a private reassurance scan for a couple of weeks which he is also coming to. We talked about it all some more after the scan and although he admitted it would have been "easier" if I had been miscarrying, he's relieved everything is OK and said seeing the heartbeat has made it all more real. I think he's still freaking out a bit, but he's been much more pragmatic and matter of fact when talking about things, rather than emotional like he was before. This all makes me think his initial reaction was just an emotional response and now he's getting more used to it he's slowly coming round to the idea. We've discussed telling his parents too in a couple of weeks which I think is a good sign. He also admitted that if this was our only chance at children, he didn't want to lose it. So all in all, I'm feeling a bit better, I think it will be a slow process but I do believe now that he will come round to it and I firmly believe he will be a great dad (otherwise I wouldn't have TTC with him!) So time will tell.