Pregnant, DP doesn't want it, devastated

[Anothercliche]

I'm a long time lurker on mumsnet but I've finally decided to post for some advice. I found out a week and a half ago that I'm pregnant, it will be our first child. It was planned, but happened very quickly (2nd month trying). I'm absolutely thrilled, but my 'D'P has gone from bad to worse in his reaction to the news (at least that's what it seems to me, but I'm very hormonal so wanted a sanity check). So far his responses have been to tell me he doesn't want it, he's not ready, that his life is over and he can't do any of the things he wanted to anymore (we had an epic holiday planned for next year that now isn't going to be possible and he's very disappointed about that). He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility despite this being a planned pregnancy that I have longed for, I have told him quite clearly this is absolutely not an option. He's told me that he feels I've manipulated him into this, that I lied to him (I had fertility issues with my ex that resulted in a miscarriage, 4 years trying and no baby - diagnosis of unexplained infertility) and told me every time he remembers I'm pregnant he feels deeply unhappy. We were both expecting that due to my previous fertility issues it would take a long time to fall pregnant, so I pushed to start sooner than he was ready for, as I was worried about time not being on my side (we are early thirties, but I want more than one child). We have sat down and had a couple of long conversations about this where I have gently tried to talk him through his fears (losing his freedom, his youth, being a bad dad, monetary responsibilities) but we have got absolutely nowhere. I'm totally devastated that he is acting this way and have told him I think he is incredibly selfish, self-centred and immature. He agrees with all these points and uses it as further ammunition for why we shouldn't be having a child together.

As more background, I have recently finished some further education and am currently unemployed (I really wasn't expecting pregnancy this quickly and was planning on getting a job first). We've been together nearly 2 years but known each other longer, we moved in together late last year. He can be a little selfish sometimes, which we'd had some chats about previously and he had acknowledged this and was getting much better.

I guess what I'm asking is, at the moment I think he's just freaking out about something he wasn't quite ready for and is not being very pleasant about it. But I'm hoping that as the news settles in and he comes to scans, and eventually holds his baby in his arms, that his opinion will change? He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is and I don't know how to deal with it. It's really getting me down as well Has anyone been through similar and the dad has come around to the idea?

He sounds like an utter selfish twat!

You hardly held a gun to his head! He's a grown man who KNOWS what can happen if contraception isn't used (hell even if it is! Shit happens).

I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out!

No long discussions or compromise just grow the fuck up and get with the programme.

I'd a mc year before having dd with my ex which was tough on both of us. When I fell pregnant with dd all positive at first, when I was SIX MONTHS pregnant he turns round one Eve and out the blue says 'I'm not ready to be a dad' but despite what's happened since (not in dds life now) I think it was just a wobble. (Similar to Ross in friends 'I knew I was having a baby I didn't realise the baby was having me')

But having seen many (too many) friends go through similar I don't see this guy sticking around or behaving responsibly.

Actually I agree with pp saying split n tell people truth of why.

Don't use your savings and don't 'wait until the second semester' to find some work. Seriously, do it now. Even if you're feeling rough, a lot of us have worked whilst feeling rough in early pregnancy and I actually never got any better with my first. I was sick all the way through but I had to work so I did.

I was well aware of his selfish steak beforehand and accepted that it would likely be me doing all the legwork because of that (like night feeds, dealing with crying, nappy changes etc). I'm ok with that.

Christ.

OP, what's done is done, but may I submit to you that this was a very unwise compromise to be willing to make, especially before you even know what the reality of a baby is like. (Or two; unless you're past the twelve week scan, for all you know you have twins in there.) Because you can't just parent hard enough yourself to make up for the fact that one parent is a lazy selfish shit detached. You resent them, the child either doesn't bond with them or desperately seeks their attention, it's harder than going it alone.

I think your relationship with this self absorbed twat is over either way - it's clear he's had a "selfish streak" for a long time and you thought you could cope with it. But I suspect that selfish streak will come back to bite you now in some ways you didn't expect.

Unless you're very visibly pregnant, get out there and get a job. I got a job offer the same day I had my 12 week scan and started work at about 17wks pregnant. Don't mention it until you have the offer in hand, or better yet until you start.

I think you should stop talking to him about it at all; especially trying to show him he can still enjoy himself, offering money and so on. It sounds like you are admitting you were wrong to do this. He is in the wrong and has spoken unkindly and behaved terribly. I'd tell him you are bitterly disappointed in his behaviour and will leave him to think it over.

I was in a similarish situation to you OP when I fell pregnant mid-30s (a planned pregnancy). Except my DH was early-mid 50s and had never had kids before.
I have never seen anyone so miserable during my pregnancy as him. He was totally depressed, and took no interest/pleasure in the pregnancy. I asked him to come to the first scan, but he didn't come to any after that. And he didn't attend my elective c-section.
He said, when I was pregnant, that he wished we'd waited a bit ("like 5 years or something" ).
I can't pretend it's been easy but DS is 2.5 now and DH is besotted by him. The change was gradual and happened from about 1 - 1.5 yrs.
Like you, I accepted (or thought I had) that I would do the hard slog parts. But please be under NO ILLUSIONS. You will need loads of help from outside if you think you really want to be doing all the 'caring' bits of parenting and your DP just gets to do the "playing". NOTHING could have prepared me for how tough and totally draining it is.
Second, you say that you've got loads of savings and could support your DC with or without a job...(I think I recall you posting that): exactly how much money do you have???? Were you previously an investment banker? Because even 1 DC is a massive drain on resources.

It's an absolute cliche on here (and if you've lurked here a long time then you'll have heard it before) - 'if someone is telling you who they are, listen'.

He's told you. Repeatedly. But you're not listening.

If I were in your position I would take control.

You're financially solvent and able to support yourself and you want the baby. Your partner is BLAMING you and telling you he wants you to have a termination.

For me this would be a deal breaker. I'd want him gone until he was ready to face the consequences of the choice you made together in TTC.

And I do understand the shock - my drs were keen to tell me how hard it would be given my weight and medical history and it happened month 1. But me and DH made a choice together like you did and made our way through the changes to our life as a team. Anything less is unacceptable and I'd be telling him to 'jog on'.

You'll have a baby to look after. You haven't got time to be looking after a selfish pig too.

First of all congratulations !!

This exact same thing happened to me. My 'D'H of seven years told me that me 'getting' pregnant (like he had nothing to do with it - after a row when we didn't use contraception when we made up) was the last nail in his coffin !! Never during all the time we had been together did he say that he didn't want children - just that it would happen when it happened. Well it happened and I should have left him then. He kept bringing up abortion and that it was just a bundle of cells and we could have kids later when he was ready. I was really sick with HG and it was one of the worst times of my life. He seemed to come around a bit but didn't come to any scans and I wasn't really allowed to talk about it. I had just moved countries and was on my own away from my family or I would have been stronger. The upshot is that he had as little to do with our beautiful DD as possible. I did ALL of it. He never got involved, never took her to school or helped if she was ill. It was awful. We have split up and this was one of the main reasons - I can't forgive him for being such a cold unfeeling bastard and he ruined what should have been a happy time. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but listen when he tells you what he is. You will just become sad and resentful and overtired when you realise that you are effectively doing it on your own. It's heartbreaking when you keep trying to get him to be enthusiastic and he won't be. If you can look after yourself financially - then get rid of him. You will essentially feel like a single parent anyway and you really don't want to have it all tainted by his lack of support and feelings. My DD doesn't have any kind of relationship with her father - she can't remember doing anything with him - because actually, he didn't get at all involved with her. Now she is older she can hardly bear to spend any time with him. She is the love of my life - he just became someone I had to live with until I was able to leave.

I wish you all the best but think carefully before you offer to do it all yourself and that he can still have his old life. I said the same thing in desperation and by God he stuck to it. He spent most of her first fifteen years in the pub

I dont understand why some posters are so keen to encourage the OP to leave her DP....

Things change. Yes, people don't often change but situations and feelings do. Why throw everything away now when there's every possibility things will get better for the OP and, like my DH, her DP will fall in love with his DC.

I can count on one hand the number of nappies my DH changed before DS was one. He didn't once get up in the middle of the night for DS before he was about 10 months. It was SO HARD. But I am so glad I stuck with it. This morning I was ill and DH took DS to the local playing field first thing, then to soft play and then to the park, so that I could have a rest. He still doesn't do much of the chores of parenting (e.g. nappies/bath/meals/nursery etc). I do that. But DH provides for us very well (whereas I earn a pittance...so it seems fair that I should do the bulk of the boring chores) and he adores his son and spends quality time with him.

I don’t feel the slightest bit sorry for him either. Pathetic menchildren whinging because they can’t carry on with their partying and adventuring. Grow the fuck up and deal with life.

Fair enough it's come as a bit of a shock, even though it was planned it all happened very quickly, and I think we'd all sympathise with him over that. But he doesn't get to stomp all over the OPs feelings while he works through it.

cookies - did your DP tell you to have an abortion?

FWIW I don't think she should leave him if he's willing to engage but he doesn't sound like he's willing to even try - why spend the next 7 months looking after him and his ego rather than herself and planning for the baby.

like my DH, her DP will fall in love with his DC

Be very wary of statements like this. The world is full of men who never fell in love with their dcs. Who not only don't pull their weight but blame and remind relentlessly that they never wanted them. Indeed 40% of men lose touch with their children within a few years of family breakup.

I would prepare yourself for the worst, and if gets a grip all to the good. It will be harder to drag a resentful and complaining man through pregnancy and the early days than just doing it yourself.

I can count on one hand the number of nappies my DH changed before DS was one. He didn't once get up in the middle of the night for DS before he was about 10 months. It was SO HARD. But I am so glad I stuck with it. This morning I was ill and DH took DS to the local playing field first thing, then to soft play and then to the park, so that I could have a rest. He still doesn't do much of the chores of parenting (e.g. nappies/bath/meals/nursery etc). I do that. But DH provides for us very well (whereas I earn a pittance...so it seems fair that I should do the bulk of the boring chores) and he adores his son and spends quality time with him

So he never changed nappies and he still does very little childcare. The fact he earns more is not relevant the crux is how many hours you both work. If you're happy to settle for that that's up to you, but it wouldn't work for many women.

I dont understand why some posters are so keen to encourage the OP to leave her DP....

I'm not suggesting she do anything I wouldn't do myself. I neither would nor could forgive and forget a man who told me I'd ruined his life with my (planned!) pregnancy and suggested an abortion, or to do it all for more than a year while he nursed his poor burned feelings.

Nor would I want a man who felt justified to be a fair-weather Disney dad because he earned more money. I'm glad your situation works for you, I guess, but I'd want no part of it.

I'm with you slutty

Congratulations first from someone who had fertility issues well done getting pregnant xxx

Moany Its true that DH didn't ask me to have an abortion. But plainly we were both aware of that option, and I understood from his attitude that he wouldn't have been upset or put out if I had! Also, I don't get the impression that the OPs DP has actually asked her to have an abortion. She says He has also raised the subject of abortion as a possibility. It sounds like he's brought the subject up to see how it might land...very different from actively requesting that she has an abortion. Anyway, the OP also says:

He has said he will support me, that he'll come to scans and do all those things, but he just keeps telling me how miserable he is

that doesn't sound like someone who's requesting that you have an abortion or else...

I think there is scope for your husband to get his around this, most men shit themselves the first year a baby is born their just not so vocal about it my husband behaved very immaturly and was a bit of a prat we know have three kids and he's a wonderful dad xx

You answer is in your original post....you pushed him in to trying before he was ready

I feel sorry for him. It's very obvious from the OP's history that her "hopes and dreams" have revolved around having children. Just as it's pretty obvious that her DP has very different "hopes and dreams", for the short-medium term at least. The OP has just got what she dreamed about - whereas her DP is facing up to the fact that his dreams may well be over. Cut the guy some slack. It's a massive adjustment, it's going to take some time to sink in.

I must admit that if I was the DP, I'd be questioning that having a baby was more important to the OP than maintaining their relationship. And that seems to be very much the case. That's a bitter pill to swallow for the DP, especially if he's been brought up as always being put first.

And yes, he was very foolish/stupid to agree to TTC. I guess he thought nothing might happen for a few years (or why would he/they be planning a big adventure holiday - not sure why the OP didn't pick up on this as a warning sign that he wasn't as up for TTC as she was). I imagine he just agreed to make the OP happy. Misguided perhaps but it seems like it was done out of love so hard to hold it against him really.

Who claimed he requested OP have an abortion 'or else'?

Raising abortion as a possibilty means he's considering it as an option, and given his reaction the pregnancy it's clearly an option he'd prefer. And that's a subtle way of making his wishes known without actively asking for one outright. That's quite offensive enough in the face of a planned pregnancy, even if earlier than expected.

Oh ffs. Won't somebody think of the menz!

Poor ickle man who didn't think of the consequences of unprotected sex, who just went along with having a kid to keep his partner happy as he has the backbone of a sweet pea.

I got pregnant v quickly too. Not trying but not using enough contraception and just engaged.

He wanted me to abort. 33. I said if it was a choice I'd keep the baby. He called off the wedding. Then changed his mind. DC2 15 months later also a surprise. Divorced at 2&3. Really regret marrying and having him on the birth certificate.

He was an abusive unfaithful toss pot. Don't be me. Although if the price for DH2 was shithead 1 then it was a price worth paying. And of course my DCs are the best thing ever.

Raising it as a possibility is not the same as asking the OP to have an abortion.... some posters were making out like raising the subject is the same as saying "I want you to have an abortion". yes, it's a pretty big clue as to what the OP would like in an ideal world at that point...but it's NOT the same as saying "I want you to have an abortion" (with the subtext "or else I walk away").

If he is not saying that (which I don't think he was), then he should be cut some slack IMO

Correction : it's a pretty big clue as to what the DP (not OP!) wants...