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Original poster

Sexually frustrated sexless marriage

149 replies

JojoB1980 · 27/07/2017 23:17

Hey could do with some advice.

I'm in a 6 year marriage to my DW with a 3 years old child. We love each other immensely and have a great relationship. We both find each other attractive and when we have sex it's great. We both enjoy it and it's satisfying for both of us.

However our sec drives are completely opposed. I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience.

I miss the excitement and long for the physical intimacy.

Is there something g I can do about this?

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 28/07/2017 10:21

Some men survive very well here. It just depends on what type of men they are. Self-pitying ones, feminism trolls, women-blamers and The Men Who Are Always Right tend not to last long though.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 10:23

Lilymcclellan rules me out then.......

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 28/07/2017 10:35

Hmm, I always climax as the same time as my partner! Unless I've already done so through oral and it's not happening again for me (which I'd tell him).
Or when he's drunk (but I'm not). Then I usually cum first and sometimes have to tell him to stop as he can take ages!! It's not a problem if we are both drunk for some reason.

Not sure what to say that hasn't though. What contraception do you use? A fair few effect sex drive. All you can do is talk to your wife really and definitely don't cheat!!

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 10:51

Yeah I really don't want to... I was frustrated and annoyed and venting. The one time I nearly did was a disaster for everyone. We're actually not using contraception at the moment.

Exactly same as us on the climax front by the way. Not so unusual after all...

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 28/07/2017 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emboo19 · 28/07/2017 11:10

Well we haven't been together as long, almost 4 years but definitely do it more than a few times a month. But I've been trying to think and other than when he's drunk and I think the odd time we've had a quickie where only a particular position works and that's not worked for me to the point of orgasm. I really do, finish when he does, or actually he finishes when I do!!

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 11:33

Goldenorb - very true.

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 11:35

Emboo19 - lucky you! Do you find a couple of times a month satisfies both of you? I can't help but think I'd still be gagging for it the whole time. Maybe I'm just weird

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 28/07/2017 11:57

Oh god no! I meant we do it more than a few times a month, as in we haven't been together as long but have likley had sex more times. We're usually everyday ish, when he's not working way!

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 12:38

Emboo19 - so maybe I'm not so weird after all!

OP posts:
Babybooboohead · 28/07/2017 12:43

Shitalopram I am in the same situation at the moment. You have some good points. I do however like this guys honesty about a situation that is real and happens to many couples. Marriages are not all love hearts and romance. The control to not take the emotional affair further should be applauded as it was probably hard and very tempting. Your wife sounds busy and ambitious, are you sure she isn't getting her kicks elsewhere hence the reduced sex drive?

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 13:03

Babybooboohead - I have thought about that... I'm certain she isn't. She would tell me she has the balls and wouldn't bother hiding it. If she was it would be because we're finished.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 28/07/2017 13:45

No I don't think wanting and enjoying sex is weird Jojo. When it's good, it's sooo good and free!!! I don't really get why people wouldn't want to.
I do think if you wanted to do it knowing your partner didn't enjoy it that's weird though. It's very much a mutually pleasurable thing for us and not something I'd want with just anyone.

We are only young too though, so I guess there's time to change (although I hope not!)

Emboo19 · 28/07/2017 13:48

Just noticed the no contraception thing! Are you trying for a baby or just not using hormonal contraception? I'm not sure another child will make sex more likely and if I were you I'd want to sort it before hand.

Also, obviously the person not wanting sex as often takes priority, no one should do something they don't want to do. If that's not something you can deal with, you need to consider if the realationship can really work long term.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/07/2017 16:26

The control to not take the emotional affair further should be applauded as it was probably hard and very tempting

Seriously? Applaud someone for not having an affair?

AufderAutobahn · 28/07/2017 18:59

I wonder if the whole idea of high/low sex drive is something of a myth. It fluctuates, surely? There have been times when I could have been described as having a high sex drive, in the early, carefree, at-it-like-rabbits stage of a relationship. However, at other times partners have said my sex drive must be naturally low, which I know isn't necessarily true - I just didn't happen to be as "up for it" at that stage as they were. It sounds like circumstances and life getting in the way are behind the mismatched desire for sex, rather than an innately low sex drive. Your posts sound like you blame your wife for the problems. Do you think your wife feels you truly do respect and love her? Feeling valued as a person, without the pressure of feeling not 'good enough', always makes me more likely to want sex :-)

GreyCloudsToday · 28/07/2017 20:50

If you can afford it, you should definitely lighten the domestic load by purchasing services like cleaning. Just make sure you do all the admin if you do organise it, and not let it fall on DW.

Take the pressure off sex and just plan to have some nice time together. Get a babysitter twice a month and just plan something low-key and enjoyable to have some time outside the house.

Make sure you're taking your kids out for half a day each weekend to give her some peace.

Check your own moods. What are you like to be around? Other people have said it better about listening to your DW. Are you kind?

Your friend who has such a high sex drive is a total red herring!

I think you're right that you need to see a counsellor. It's a classic mid-life crisis to have an affair with a younger woman. Maybe you need to question why the grass always seems greener...

AufderAutobahn · 28/07/2017 21:02

Grey puts it so much better than I did! definitely agree you should both work on enjoying each other's company without the pressure of sex.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 29/07/2017 03:18

Emboo19 - my wife wants this too. She just doesn't have the urge or hunger in the same way i do

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 29/07/2017 03:20

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Yes. Actually.

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Original poster
JojoB1980 · 29/07/2017 03:24

GreyCloudsToday - we have a cleaner and loads of support. We do all the things you've suggested. It's definitely not that.

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 29/07/2017 03:28

AufderAutobahn - yeah we do. It gets strained due to other work life stuff but we get on when given the time. I need to be more responsive to her and stop being a self destructive idiot.

I suppose this has become more of a philosophical issue as to how a person copes with his natural sexual drives within the context a long term monogamous relationship.

OP posts:
IfNot · 29/07/2017 10:28

Has it??? I must have been reading a different thread. I thought it was about how a man with a knackered, woh wife and mother to small children was complaining about not getting his sexual requirements met even as she lives with the constart threat that he will get them met elsewhere, by someone younger and better looking?
I'm not sure that you shouldn't end the relationship, purely because your wife will probably feel so much better when she doesn't have this extra stress on her.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 29/07/2017 13:57

Who said she was knackered? Who said I ever threatened her? Who said better looking? Who said anything about her being stressed out about this? I suggest you take your presumptuous contempt somewhere else

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 14:21

Why would you tell her about the non affair unless it was too threaten her into having more sex? Why not just end the affair and concentrate on your marriage? It's a rare woman who isn't tired WOH plus a young family even if the child does sleep well. I think IfNot is spot on.