Sexually frustrated sexless marriage

[JojoB1980]

Hey could do with some advice.

I'm in a 6 year marriage to my DW with a 3 years old child. We love each other immensely and have a great relationship. We both find each other attractive and when we have sex it's great. We both enjoy it and it's satisfying for both of us.

However our sec drives are completely opposed. I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience.

I miss the excitement and long for the physical intimacy.

Is there something g I can do about this?

Yes you're actually right looking back at it. I was deeply frustrated. It wasn't the only reason I told her but it was a major factor. Good shout

Given what you've said about her working hours plus having a small child I think you're being unrealistic about having sex several times a week tbh.

I bet you're not doing as much as you think you are. What were the housework issues discussed in counselling?

Child was 2 when I met this other person. I do plenty round the house and I am doing something about the fact that I can be a little slow to start. Is that really it?

You might want well be right. I may need to address the way I feel about it.

I love it that people just assume it must be the housework. He's a lazy man! Really? The housework is the reason? I do plenty round the house, I can always try harder. If it really is that simple I'll be delighted.

I wouldn't be married if my husband had an affair EVER let alone when our child was two. Bloody hell, I think you should be thanking your lucky stars you still have a family !

The housework will be tip of the iceberg hence it being mentioned in counselling.

Must be good in bed.... ;-)

You're right. She's an amazing woman and I'm very lucky. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd hope I'd do the same

Yep, still searching for the iceberg itself

I agree totally with Lily

She climaxes at the same time as you every time? Hmmmmmm. You know, the reason a lot of women don't want sex is because it seems a lot of faff for not enough pleasure. Its very unusual for women to be able to come from piv sex every time, and in my experience the majority of men don't really understand how to get a woman there, so something doesn't add up for me.
And, the housework is brought up a lot in counselling.. are you actually listening to what your wife is saying? There is nothing less sexy than cleaning up after a man. It's a total turn off to feel like his mum.
Also maybe your " love of porn" makes her, with her childbirth battered body, feel less than confident?
Ditch the porn, listen to what you are being told and stop trying to find excuses to cheat. Ohe, and find out what your wife actually gets off on.
Sexless marriages can be really tough on the frustrated partner, but it doesn't sound like you are actually doing any thing to address the problem. Because you think the problem is all hers.

Well if you don't think it's your level of contribution, and you don't think it's the quality of the sex, and you don't think it's the non-affair, and you don't think it's tiredness, do you have any thoughts on what it could be?

Hear hear.

You sound quite emotionally immature. Did you really think that telling your wife that you were getting close to another woman would result in her thinking 'oh no I might lose him, better put out more'!

Good question. Not sure what I'm asking for. It has been helpful working it through as I've been responding, you guys are brutal. You're right I feel almost completely shut off from her side of things despite the counselling. We have sex about once every two months. My DW says she also wishes it was more often but for some reason she just doesn't feel the drive for it. The narcissistic compulsion to feel hard done by is fairly standard it's something most people feel at various points - I think I'm going to find my own therapist and unpack some stuff

Your last sentence is helpful thanks.

I felt emotionally immature at the time too. It was really intensely upsetting.

She's faked it for 11 years. There is no way on earth she's cum the same time as you every time. I would bet my life savings on it. Take it from all of us who have a vagina.

Ps the housework issue? Builds resentment. You don't want to shag someone you resent.

Perhaps she just doesn't have a high sex drive and I have a misdirected level of frustration based on some other deep rooted childhood sense if rejection. Who knows. Still feels rubbish

Ok she's faked it for 11 years. Every time. And got married to that person and had a child. You're definitely right. Good one

It just highlighted for me the difference between some women's drive for sex.

I don't think you are born with a sex drive that is set to level X.
It can change throughout life and is very responsive to your emotional wellbeing and relationship quality.
Comparing one woman's sex drive with another is like comparing apples with pears.
What is more important to you?
Personal gratification several times a week or being supportive to the woman you love and sharing joint gratification.

Thanks for your response. Yeah I'd rather the latter. And I find your apples with pears helpful too

Ok she's faked it for 11 years. Every time. And got married to that person and had a child. You're definitely right. Good one

It has been known.

She really doesn't have that in her. She honestly wouldn't be bothered to pretend if it wasn't happening she's a pretty direct and straight talking woman. On the odd occasion it ain't working she'll just say stop it it's not happening. Don't know why this climaxing every time together is harnessing such negative response