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Original poster

Sexually frustrated sexless marriage

149 replies

JojoB1980 · 27/07/2017 23:17

Hey could do with some advice.

I'm in a 6 year marriage to my DW with a 3 years old child. We love each other immensely and have a great relationship. We both find each other attractive and when we have sex it's great. We both enjoy it and it's satisfying for both of us.

However our sec drives are completely opposed. I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience.

I miss the excitement and long for the physical intimacy.

Is there something g I can do about this?

OP posts:
AufderAutobahn · 28/07/2017 08:10

friends who have partners with insatiable appetites

Yeah right! I would be very surprised if that's true. Are you sure they're not embellishing things slightly?

PaintingByNumbers · 28/07/2017 08:16

Women can get bored of their sexual partners. She would probably find her sex drive came back with a vengeance with a new partner. From what you posted, there are a lot of other issues at play here as well that will have affected her sex drive. A really good way to increase a womans sex drive, true story, is to do a lot more around the house - are you pulling your weight outside the bedroom?

pinkoneblueone · 28/07/2017 08:29

I have to agree with the others if you have an affair it's over. I couldn't ever forgive that. You crossed a boundary.

You should talk to her more she's supposed to be bout partner and best friend and you have betrayed her for your own selfishness.

pinkoneblueone · 28/07/2017 08:31

*her

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 08:49

It varies, but it's around once every few months... I would love it to be several times a week.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/07/2017 08:50

How much do you do around the house and with your DC?

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 08:56

So our child has always been a great sleeper...

Not sure where to start with the rest of it. My "affair" was non physical. It was a mutual attraction which we couldn't take forward for obvious reasons and I resented that - fortunately it made me face up to the issues we'd ignored in our marriage. I told my DW about it straightaway, there was nothing for her to forgive me for. The chat with our mate wasn't borderline either - just open chat about sex. It just highlighted for me the difference between some women's drive for sex.

maybe you're right about her faking orgasms every single time we've had sex in our entire relationship of over 11 years. Or maybe your preconceptions about men "hammering away" are presumptuous. You decide.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/07/2017 08:58

The chat with our mate wasn't borderline either - just open chat about sex. It just highlighted for me the difference between some women's drive for sex
That's what your mate told you, his wife could have a very different story.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 08:59

I had a brief non physical attraction, it wasn't a full blow now affair. I mention it only because it deeply affected me and made me face up to issues we'd ignored in our marriage. DW was obviously concerned about it but not upset - i hadnt been unfaithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:00

Yeah our female friend told me. About herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:01

Not enough.... I do all the cooking and like to think my half of housework but I'm a little slow to get off my backside. I'm a very caring and attentive father. The housework has come up several times in counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:03

Wasn't really an affair, not trying to minimise it but it was a non physical mutual attraction which consisted of a few phone calls, texts and a few drinks on a few occasions. Clearly there was intent, but we didn't progress it. It gave me reason to start doing something about my worries about our marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:04

Afraid not... their partners have talked to me about it themselves.

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 28/07/2017 09:05

Your affair may well have been non physical but it was still an act of infidelity to your partner and will have hurt her greatly. At least try to be honest about that and stop minimising. It was only fairly recently and your dw is likely still very affected by it. I have a high sex drive but if my dp had done what you did I would find it very hard to get intimate with him again. Being intimate with the partner I love requires a level of closeness and trust that can be very easily damaged.

You are blaming your dws low libido for your problems but not taking full responsibility despite the work you think you've put in during counselling. You either need to go back to counselling or make a break.

LunarGirl · 28/07/2017 09:06

Just because you didn't have sex doesn't mean it wasn't an affair. Stop minimising.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:08

Embarrassed to say it's true. I'm starting to feel like I'm very lucky to have what we have and that perhaps my frustration is misdirected...

It could possibly be some deep seated egotist/narcissistic tendency to feel that life should or could be better than it is or that somehow you deserve more. I think I'm going to see a psychiatrist. From the reaction to this thread I'm feeling like it isn't my sex life that's the problem. Also learning that it takes a very race man to post on mumsnet....

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:09

Sure. We didn't continue to see each other due to my marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:11

I think it's something I need to deal with myself. Not saying that I'm going to be happy living the rest of my life like a monk but feel it's possibly something personal that I need to unpack

OP posts:
Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:12

Besides which.... the low sex drive was there for 8 years before the "affair"

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/07/2017 09:12

Whether you had sex or not you definitely had an emotional affair. There's plenty for her to forgive. And you're a little 'slow' getting off your backside? So you leave mess for her to sort? How about meal planning, shopping, laundry, cleaning, sorting Dr's and dentist, parties and birthdays, bill paying, decorating, gardening, bath time, breakfast time etc, who does all that? Does your wife work outside the home? If so how many hours ?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/07/2017 09:14

The housework has come up several times in counselling So why haven't you listened to her? It's come up in counselling, by your own admission you are slow to do things but still you don't do it? I would bet that's the tip of the ice berg tbh and there's underlying feelings of you not listening to her / her needs/ plus the affair- and it was an affair ,doesn't matter how many times you say it wasn't,it was an emotional affair/ betrayal.

Original poster
JojoB1980 · 28/07/2017 09:15

We both work full time. She works extremely hard with really long hours. I don't so much leave mess but can need a little encouragement to get going on eberal tidying. I do all the cooking, I pay 3 quarters of the bills, I do more than half of the childcare because she's often working late or abroad. She tends to do laundry, I do garden and house and cooking stuff.

OP posts:
FrogsLegs31 · 28/07/2017 09:15

You told your wife straight away in an attempt to scare her. You wanted to let her know that if she didn't buck up her efforts towards sex then you might end up elsewhere. You told her because you felt entitled to get what she isn't providing and you hoped to manipulate her.

Be honest with yourself.

LilyMcClellan · 28/07/2017 09:15

I'm calling narcissist. In just two short pages you've told us that you've considered an affair, that you'd have an affair if you could get away with it, that you've had an affair, that it wasn't really an affair, and that it was just an "attraction", which left you devastated and your wife "concerned" but amazingly not upset.

Despite the claimed remarkable sex that you've had plentifully, then less regularly, and now at a rate you won't reveal but is less than your desired level of "insatiable", you seem to have almost no insight into your wife's side of things, even though you've been to counseling.

Seriously, what are you hoping for here? Someone to greenlight you to play away? Approval to ask for a divorce?

livefornaps · 28/07/2017 09:16

The thing is your wife has pushed a human out of her body and has to adjust to a whole new body and in the meantime you're off having drinks with someone else you had a "non physical" attraction to?!! She may have said she wasn't upset but that's some high grade bullshit on your part.

If you're "slow to get off your backside" around the house & this is an issue that has been highlighted repeatedly during counselling: do something about it!!! And not just "tell me what to do and I'll do that". Show initiative. Prove you're her partner. Take some weight off her mind.

Maybe y'all do always climax together but it seems like for her the physical incentive is not enough! As in, okay this guy can get me off but he's also a duplicitous lazy so and so. Sex drive killer right there.

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