Sexually frustrated sexless marriage

[JojoB1980]

Hey could do with some advice.

I'm in a 6 year marriage to my DW with a 3 years old child. We love each other immensely and have a great relationship. We both find each other attractive and when we have sex it's great. We both enjoy it and it's satisfying for both of us.

However our sec drives are completely opposed. I have an enormous sex drive and hunger and my wife just doesn't. She doesn't feel the urge or need and rarely instigates (ever). The sense of rejection and frustration is enormous for me. I feel enormous jealousy of friends who have partners who insatiable sexual appetites and feel annoyed that I never experienced having had that experience.

I miss the excitement and long for the physical intimacy.

Is there something g I can do about this?

Just because it's really unusual and you have quite a immature ideal of what married life with a young family should be like.

If she's so assertive and straight talking can't you talk to her?

I was like this for a couple of years before my marriage ended and here are the things that would have made me feel relaxed and confident enough to possibly spark sexual desire for my husband again:

• a lot more help with housework and childcare. I do mean a lot. Perhaps if he'd put in 3 solid hours a day (to my 16) I'd have had time to come off "high alert" and relax a little.

• taking initiative and being more organised about his own affairs. I found it impossible to have sexual feelings for someone who appeared incapable of laundering his own clothes, completing simple jobs around the house, keeping admin up to date without being reminded e.g. MOT for car, renewing passports.

• being actively interested in the children and their development, perhaps making it his responsibility to teach them to swim, or ride a bike, or learn their times tables.

• not expect me to be the single point of contact for the wider family and all the work that goes with that, especially regarding his own parents

• in the bedroom, to stop needing me to have an orgasm to satisfy his ego/conscience. Towards the end of our sex life I always pretended to climax just to get him to finish and stop. "I want you to enjoy it, I want to give you pleasure" blah blah - NO - that was squarely about what HE and his ego wanted. I was (and still am) happy with the thrill, intimacy, and comfort that sexual contact brings and do not need to climax every time, genuinely not important to me. If I need to climax I will just say so or make

moves to get myself there (I don't necessarily mean masturbation, there are plenty of ways to take charge). I finally have a partner who gets this and it's a game changer. Honest communication about who wants what, and accepting that wants will be different every time.

• finally, regular time on my own away from husband and small children.

If you think that's a lot to ask, well so did my husband, and after 10 years of me telling him all of this we are now separated.

I wonder if the kind of sex you used to have isn't really doing it for her now. Women change. Their bodies change and the perception of sex as objectifying becomes a bit scary. Sometimes as relationships evolve, the idea of porn inspired sex begins to feel faintly ridiculous and jarring. Performative sex with someone you know so well can feel insincere. So if I were you, I'd start to revise your ideas about sex and intimacy and make them a bit more female-centred.

As an older Mumsnetter who has been there and come out the other side I can agree with everyone who says that when children are young a woman might want sex but just be too tired and too anxious about everything they have got to do the next day. Every 3-4 months is probably about par for the course really. The very first thing you can do is either make a genuine 50% or more contribution to the domestic stuff or pay for a cleaner and any other support needed. You have to do 50% + of the parenting too, otherwise you will just have a stressed out hard done by partner. I'm not sure if the date night idea works for everyone but it is one way forward, programming in a bit of couples time when romantic feelings are going to surface on both sides. Explore having a better sex life with conversation and experimentation. I'm not quite as sceptical about the mutual orgasm point as some other posters, pre-marriage I had one partner where that always happened, but no others. Clearly a full bnlown physical affair is not an answer for you, this emotional episode with another woman didn't bring you any happiness and you risk losing all you hold dear if you mess about on that front again.

It will get better, I have become an empty nester this year, which has brought many benefits for our relationship

i do talk to her. Hasn't really changed much. Less talk more action. I'd like to think everyone has an immature view of what family life should be like - would be pretty depressing otherwise

Really appreciate this thanks a lot. All useful stuff cheers

Yeah I'm not exactly reenacting pornography... but I like the idea of trying to think of sex from female perspective. Will have a think about that

This is really encouraging thanks very very much

I'd like to think everyone has an immature view of what family life should be like - would be pretty depressing otherwise.

What on earth does that mean?

Perhaps she just doesn't have a high sex drive and I have a misdirected level of frustration based on some other deep rooted childhood sense if rejection. Who knows. Still feels rubbish

Reading through your posts, I would say your misdirected level of frustration is based on a sense of entitlement, completely out of proportion to what you offer.

You don't sound as if you need therapy to me. More sitting about, thinking and talking about yourself? More looking around for other people to blame? No and no. You need to start thinking about yourself less, and her more. How would you feel if she treated you as you've treated her? Emotional affairs with younger men, swapping porn with male friends? Hinting that she might look elsewhere if you don''t fix up sharpish?

As other posters have pointed out, a woman's sexual response does not exist in vacuum. It is connected to the way she feels about the relationship as a whole. If she feels insecure, ignored, and like her partner might look elsewhere, it's highly unlikely you're going to be at it like knives. You are not the only person in your relationship. You need to start treating your wife as if her feelings are as important as yours, because they are. You might be surprised at the results.

@Lily : I think he means "little house on the prairie": the blue version

That's a good point about sexual needs changing over the years, too. Data point of one, but the kind of sex I had in my 20s is not really what I want now in my 40s. My body is obviously less built for sexual acrobatics, but it's more subtle than that. I like a lot more talking in bed now. I like eye contact, I like back rubs and hair stroking and soothing touch. I like "making out" on the sofa for a long time just because it feels lovely and not as a 5 minute "let's take this into the bedroom."

what did you mean by having an immature view of family life? Surely there is something romantic and childlike about the ideal of what a family should be. The fully rational thought out reality is generally pretty mixed/bleak...

Just thinking about this more there are a few things I need to feel in a long term relationship in order to want sex with that person alone over & over again

• safe
• heard (really heard, not just given a turn to talk)
• rested
• on the same team
• not to be always looking after them in any maternal/parental context whatsoever (of course partners should nurture and care for each other, but is the caregiving in balance?)

What's so bleak about the reality of family life apart from the fact that you're not getting shagged as often as you'd like? Or is that all that really matters?

Yes I've written this myself. I agree with you in the most part.

Precisely

All really good points thanks I'll have a think about these

Romantic and childlike? Oh dear. Oh dear. To be honest I think both men and women probably have no idea how hard and demanding both marriage and parenting is in reality. It isn't possible to know until you are in it and there is just so little help, support or advice when you are struggling. Mumsnet did not exist when I was a parent of young children. If it had, how very different things might have been. We used to rely on parents and the extended family more for this, but still there was so much no one really talked about. I actually feel really sorry for men trying to understand women's needs and be all things to everyone when in general they have more pressure at work and it's harder for men to talk to friends. It's brave when men do come on this forum and ask for help. They often get a rough ride too. I agree with all the comments on this thread in response to the OP, but I also feel for him and his unrealistic ideas of what life should be like. Maybe the world really needs to change so men can understand what family life is like in reality, what a woman needs in a relationship, etc. It is food for thought.
Really Jo Jo, take some of the advice here and go away and really talk to your wife. Really try to connect with her and hear her, and put yourself last for a change.

Thanks for this. Good to know I'm not the only one.

Jojo it would help if you use people's names. Otherwise nobody has any idea who your posts are replying to.

Mumsnet truly is wonderful you're so right.

Lilymcclellan - sorry. Total novice...! This is defonthe first and last time I go on this website though. It's not a place for men