Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

762 replies

Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:15

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 10:27

Thank you everybody for all your advice and kind words. Ive stayed away for a couple of days, ive had a mini meltdown and just needed a break from it all, felt a bit overwhelmed. Am ok now though and back on track. I think i am going to talk to his mum about leaving. She is a lovely woman and slthough she has never interferred she has always let me know she is there for me. I know she loves her son too though so i'm going to have to be careful how i word things.

gtimama - i had thought about leaving whilst he was at work. I do feel i need to get everyhthing in place first, be fully prepared and then go. The house is not jointly owned. It is his house. He has always been very careful not to let me contribute to anything major so that he never has to give me anything. I will be the one who has to leave but to be honest I prefer it this way. I don't work at the moment but i must admit to the feeling of panic you descibe at having to go out to work full time and leave dd in child care. That saddens me so its good to know that i may not have to work full time, thank you for that

Sakura - when it finally dawned on me that he wasn't quite right i did an internet search of all of his traits and it came up with the website you have found. I have been studying narcissism since and am absolutely convinced his has this disorder. He has almost every trait.
We had to go get dd some shoes yesterday. He goes too because he likes to choose and he pays. We bought the shoes which i carried. He then bought a t-shirt and automatically tried passing the bag to me to carry, normally i would have just taken it and carried it but yesterday i said no. He was livid. He went into a sulk and had a huge strop. It was almost laughable. I usually give in because when he is like this he scares me but yesterday i didn't, i just took dd's hand and we walked on ahead. Then she asked for a drink. We all went into shop and we were all in the queue but he counted out his coins and tried passing them to me to pay, again i refused. So he started calling me nasty names and went into an even bigger strop. I just stood in front of this grown man, behaving worse than a toddler, and asked him why he thought he was too good to carry a bag or pay for a bottle of water. It fell on deaf ears. This is how he behaves generally. I feel like his servant, not worthy. He has such grandeur, just as sam vankin describes.
It has pleased me no end that you have recognised this too in the things ive described. I'm not mad after all!! {grin]

Hi lilyloo - yes i think you are right. It has hit home. Sounds daft but i just feel incredibly sad. Don't really know why but i'm sure i will work it out over next few days

OP posts:
melminx · 02/04/2007 10:33

iohw. morning. and good for you re shopping trip.

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 10:36

Thank you melminx wish i could say it felt good.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 02/04/2007 10:40

think its a case of him not being worthy of you other than the other way round.it sounds like he is the one who is insecure and to make up for this he then needs to control you in order to make himself feel better.You sound very determined and it is this determination that will get you through this awful time.Good for you on making him carry his own shopping !

BandofBunnies · 02/04/2007 10:43

Ifonly, have read the beginning of the thread and your last post. Well done you for saying no and standing up to him. Keep it up. Did the people in the shop look at him like this
I find when you no longer care what they think, or what might happen when they start shouting, then it becomes so much easier to say no and stand up for yourself. You are beginning to rebuild your selfesteem just by standing up to him.
If you feel brave next time, laugh at him and walk away with a big smile on your face and a "You're acting like a 3yo brat" pitiful look.

MEN, TUT!!!!!

mylittlestar · 02/04/2007 10:50

IOHW so good to see you're making some steps forward and really starting to understand it's him with the problems and you can stop doubting yourself!

You're doing so well. And of course it doesn't feel good. You're a good person and you love him and it must be awful going through this, but at least now you can see that what you're doing is for the best and there is nothing more you can do. The extent of his behavior and the issues he has do sound scary and almost out of control. FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing by getting everything in place and planned out so that when you make the move you know what you're going to do.

Keep making sure you're getting all the support you need. You're doing so well. But he's a bully and his behaviour is worrying to an outsider like me who knows nothing about narcissism.

Even if you need some RL support when it comes to making the move. Someone to look after dd or help you during that time. Someone to be there to help get things moved out with you. Whatever it may be. I genuinely would come and help you if you needed it. I really mean that. You've been a tremendous support to me. And if there is anything I can do I'd be more than happy to help.

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 11:37

Bless you MLS, that is so nice of you, thank you.
Yes, you are right in everything you say, he is a bully and his behaviour even worries me but (please don't think ill of me for this) i feel sorry for him and yes, I do love him, i don't feel i love him all of the time but sometimes he can be nice and he seems so vulnerable. This may sound strange but he is like 2 different people in one, sometimes, in a rare moment, even he doesn't seem to understand himself. The trouble is now i see the nasty p more than i see the nice p and thats why i have to stay strong and i have to leave. Gosh, see how i came to my senses so quickly Im too tired to stay and wait for the nice man now.

Thank you BOB and mummylin - i can sort of laugh about it today, there was me and dd walking ahead and him trailing behind with his carrier bag in a huge sulk. I was peeping at him through the reflection in shop windows and he was even walking like a sullen toddler, with his head bowed and flapping his feet. In hindsight, it was good to stand up to him but i was nervous at the time.
I think you are right too BOB in that when i no longer care what will happen i will stand up to him. Its fear of what might happen that has stopped me from standing up to him in the past because he does have a temper, a vile temper. But yesterday, i just wasn't going to be treated like a servant. Who the hell does he think he is that he can't pay for a bottle of water or carry a bag!! Maybe I haven't done him any favours by allowing him to controll me, maybe in just doing as i'm told ive helped create the monster
I didn't dare look at the people in the shop, i was too embarrased. I just said my peice then took myself outside

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 02/04/2007 11:45

IOHW - well done for standing your ground! If you read through your thread, you'll see what a big step you've taken forward in how you allow yourself to be treated

Don't worry about what other people in the shop thought. I don't think YOU've got anything to be embarrassed about anyway - they probably would have given you a standing ovation if you'd have let them.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you living that way all the time. Like MLS, I know little about any psychological disorders that could affect someone's behaviour like this but I can't help but feel part of his problem is that no one lets him know his behaviour is not acceptable.

Perhaps things will change now that you're standing up to him, perhaps not. Hopefully not your problem for much longer....

mylittlestar · 02/04/2007 11:46

Stop blaming yourself! YOU haven't done anything wrong. He is an adult who has complete responsibility for his own behaviour. By being a loving, caring wife you haven't allowed him to treat you this way. He's taken advantage of you and allowed himself to behave like this.

I do exactly the same as you by looking at my part to play in things (wondering if by supporting dh to get 'space' it was actually my fault he had the freedom to have an affair!! )

But I now realise that we cannot control others. We treat them how we wish to be treated ourselves. If they cannot do that it return, it's THEIR problem! Not ours!

LilyLoo · 02/04/2007 11:57

Just a small step forward yesterday IOHW. Maybe by you addressing that in the shop it will make him have to look at his own behviour. When he no longer has control of you all the time he may start to address it. Likewise he may not but you will gain some strength every time you stand up to him and regain more of your own self esteem and he will no longer be the one in control. Then you can decide what it is you are going to do and not him.

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 11:59

ok. I won't blame myself! I will try anyway
Don't you think it's a common link between all of us ladies on here though, we all in some way blame ourselves and take responsiblity for our other halves, we try to make things better. I have just posted on ginnedupmummy's thread, i wounder what would happen if the boot was on the other foot. I wonder if the DP?DH would be so understanding, so forgiving and try so hard to make things work. I'm just beginning to realise how special we all are!!!

Thank you cashncarry. I know for a fact his mum dare not stand up to him, she once tried it, years ago! and he gave her what for and she didn't like it so has never challenged his behaviour since. With other people, ive witnessed him totally blank them if he is challenged, he will just shut down completely, then he will change the subject, so he won't allow himself to be proved wrong. He is such a difficult man to be around.
I do feel a different person from when i srated posting, my head feels a lot clearer and i feel i know where i am heading. It helps tremendously being able to just let everything spill out on here, like the shopping incident, it makes it less threatening somehow.
Thank you to everyone for listening

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 12:03

Thank you lilyloo. I hope you are right. I just feel that i shouldn't have to be standing up to him all the time. All those other couples out shopping together, smiling, having a laugh, and then us!! It will be nice when i can just relax!

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 02/04/2007 12:05

Take another look at all those "happy couples" IOHW - nine out of ten of them are having words between gritted teeth

LilyLoo · 02/04/2007 12:06

Your'e exactly right IOHW !

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 12:07
Grin
OP posts:
Tanee58 · 02/04/2007 16:34

Hallo IOHW, thanks for posting on my miserable new thread - I've followed yours the last week & just wanted to add my support as it's such a huge decision to end a marriage, and however sure you are that it's right, you're only human to have regrets and misgivings.

Trouble is, most men are pretty toddler like inside. One of my flat mates years ago remained single because, she said, she wanted to bear children, not marry one! She never did find a adult and her only sorry was that it meant missing out on motherhood.

You seem to be getting plenty of sound survival advice from the others, and I can only agree with what they say. Once you get a job, you should get tax credits if your income is less than about £14000 (I just lost mine when Depressed Dp & I moved in together - we'd have been better off living apart for more reasons than one!) and you should get child tax credit whatever your salary. I work 3 days a week which is JUST enough to cover mortgage and bills etc, we won't be able to afford a holiday but we won't starve either. Ex-husband pays the bare minimum maintenance but it helps. Working part time also means you'll have time for your dd and most important, time for YOURSELF! And if you ever need a chat, we're all here.

Council property is almost impossible to find quickly - though I don't know where you live, you may be in a better area. In London, where I am, it's like gold dust. (I work for an ex-councillor/MP, so I see it all the time) but you can usually find something in the private sector and claim housing benefit towards the rent.

And ultimately, even if you have to suffer a drop in income and lifestyle, you will feel in control of your life at last, and that's SUCH a good feeling!

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 17:37

Thank you Tanee58. I am at a stage now where i am more than happy to take a drop in anything just to have my life back We never married, he wouldn't get married because he was so passionate about protecting his 'assets', he didn't want to leave himself open to being taken to the cleaners! Money and material things don't interest me. I would rather be happy and skint than rich and miserable (which is a good thing at the moment ) i'm just looking forward to being able to relax and breather properly! that will be worth the world to me.

OP posts:
melminx · 03/04/2007 08:01

morning all my marriage ended last night!

Dior · 03/04/2007 08:09

Message withdrawn

Dior · 03/04/2007 08:17

Message withdrawn

melminx · 03/04/2007 08:22

found out he'd been texting a girl he met on internet although not actually met her just texted there was nothing in text as i read them she was asking why he wont answer her calls. but he replied and he swore on our dd life there was no texting

melminx · 03/04/2007 08:23

they text when we were seperated

Dior · 03/04/2007 08:23

Message withdrawn

melminx · 03/04/2007 08:26

texted his sorry and loves me but trust is gone

melminx · 03/04/2007 08:27

im a wreck cant stop crying