Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

is he ahem
aware?

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no G is then
its not you fawning
sheesh i need ot read hte whoel thread

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YES! YES! YES! Dior! great idea

reading your posts though you seem much stronger than me. You seem able to stand up to yours. Ive got to the stage where i know i'm better off just keeping my head down. I hope you are not heading that way too! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! He would never look after dd either while i went out, either for lunch or for an evening. The last time i went out was 3 years agao, he caused a big scene before i went then my friend turned up so i had to go, no sooner had we got in the pub than i recieved a text saying don't bother coming home. I went straight home because i was scared of what would happen. Got home to find him trashing all my things, makeup, hairdryer, electric toothbrush the lot! I haven't been out since!! I know it makes me sound really weak and i feel i have been weak but ive just done whatever i can for a quiet life. I siencerely hope things are not heading this way for you xx

PS hijack away it needs cheering up a bit!

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no i mean swoonign form a distance

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Do you hold out much hope that Relate is going to improve things for you? Do you think you want things to improve or do you think that deep down you are ready to call it a day? Do you maybe feel you just want some time away, to be on your own and build yourself up again?

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Ifonlyhewould - sorry if I bring this back down again, but I just read your post to dior where you said your DH trashed all your things. It's made me a bit concerned about your safety when you do tell him that you intend to leave. (If that is the decision that you finally come to).

Perhaps you should actually move out when he is at work or something and then tell him after you have already left. May seem a bit cowardly, but if he can trash all your things just because you've gone out for the evening I'd be a bit worried about how he would react if you tell him your leaving.

This is where refuge is very good. They would protect you, support you and help you on with your future.

Sorry not been on today IOHW you not feeling too great today, maybe the realisation and enormity of the situation has hit home.

i agree with gtimama is there someone who could possibly be with you when you move your stuff out ? it does sound like he has a violent streak. or is there anyway you could start taking things out now and storing somwhere ready for when you finally leave ? You obviously need to find out how you will fare financially, and maybe you could talk to someone about this before you leave too.that way at least you will have a bit of leeway knowing you dont have it all to do in one go.

I've been following this thread with a lot of interest and willing you on to a new and better life away from this unhealthy relationship. But, like others, alarm bells have been ringing in my head about your safety. He just sounds to me like he could be capable of really bad stuff. I think you need to be very careful about how and when you leave.

not read thread sorry but I want to leave DP. I still love him, he's the father of my child, but I don't think any of us will be happy if we stay together and I don't want to give up on that for any of us

He has some kind of personality disorder. I read on
here

that someone who chooses your meal for you at the restaurant could be someone with a personality disorder, and this is one of the signs of that. The website is a bit chaotic, but there are loads of really interesting insights into personality disorders. THe man who wrote it has one himself, and he explains what it is like to be a controlling, narcissistic person. He strongly encourages you to leave a narcissist, because they are incapable of love. Its very sad and stems back to their childhood. My mum is a kind of narcissist, and DH too to a (much) lesser extent. I can cope with it, because the good outweighs the bad and hes really openly trying to be less controlling. (I tell him, " if you feel like criticising the way Im doing or what I`m wearing, just keep it in your head..." Its actually been working with DH.)

the way I`M doing something (obv)

Also, the sight has loads of info on bullying/how to spot a controlling person on the first date/how to deal with it.

interesting sakura. i have quite a bit of experience with narcissistic people and they are notoriously difficult to deal with and cure.

essentially they have a different view of the world to reality, one in which they are absolutely brilliant and everyone else is clueless. occasionally they get a reality check and are thrown into depression when they might seek help but when the therapy starts working ie. they come out of their depression, the narcissism kicks in again, they think their therapist is an idiot and stop therapy! so never get treated for the real problem.

obv. i'm hugely simplifying but there is a checklist of characteristics that you can use to determine whether you're narcissistic. we all are at some point, usually in our teenage years, but the vast majority of us work it out and realise that we're not always right, and are not the centre of the universe.

i'm afraid that i try and steer clear of these types, because there is fark all you can do about it.

Ifonlyhewould - I don't know what your situation is regarding work. If you are working then make sure that you claim working tax credit. Unless you have a highly paid job you will be entitled to it. Also inform Child Tax Credit that you are now bringing up child alone and Child Benefit. Do this even if you are not working. If you go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau they can predict what your entitlements will be.

When I left my husband I automatically thought "Oh my god I will have to go to work full time, I will have to put my children into childcare". But a visit to the CAB informed me that in fact it was worth my while to work just 16 hours a week. If I had gone to work full time I would have gained £9.00 more a month, but my children would have had to go to a childminder after school. I was lucky enough to get a job where I finish at 1.00 and I am able to meet my children from school everyday.

I do know some single mothers who do not work at all and they cope financially. Don't think I could do it though - i'd go mad without the adult company of my colleagues at work.

Again I urge you to find out about private rent through you council/housing association.

Get all this sorted so that as soon as you do leave all you need to do is make a few phone calls.

Stay strong. One tip I have for you is to keep all the bad things about your husband in mind. It's easy to get emotional and weak. But for this period of time you need to feel anger and determination. Leave the emotional stuff for later. You can deal with that when you are safely distanced from him, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Oh my god - sorry. Just realised, are you living in a house that is jointly owned?

I was at the time, but my husband refused to leave. In the end I had no alternative but to leave.

If you are in a jointly owned house it would be worth your while to visit a solicitor. You can usually get a 1/2 hour appointment for free to discuss your entitlements.

Our house was sold in the end and we shared the proceeds 2/3rd to me and 1/3rd to him. Still trying to sort out endowments. Again splitting 2/3rds - 1/3rd.

Just make sure that you are as knowledgeable as you can possibly be about all your entitlements before you go.

Morning IOHW hope you are feeling better today. Some good practical advice from GT hope that helps a bit. Have you progressed any further on looking into rented?

IOHW how are you doing? xx