Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

morning all

lilyloo thanks x

iohw yey on freezer! you wasnt harsh you was honest and i love honest people. your also absolutely right its my insecurities causing the problems. I havent contacted him at all today and he hasnt contacted me so although i am very disappointed at that im leaving him be and getting on with kids and house whilst dosed up on pain killers! think they are chilling me out because i dont feel stressed and im thinking calmly!!

Thats good news Mel you are coping a lot better than you did the last time. I don't ever want to see you in that state again!

You just continue enjoying your kids, forget about him for a day or two. Truth is, he is probably expecting you to contact him first anyway, he will be feeling like a true victim don't you give him the satisfaction, let him contact you first this time. Make him sweat!! XX

PS sorry about the toothache. I hope you have a dental appointment lined up. IF not get to your doctors tomorrow and ask if he will presribe antibiotics which are what you will need for an infection. x

Mel what's he playing at

I can't believe he's still having these 'text conversations' with random women who obviously don't know he's married. From my point of view I wouldn't care at this point in time if it was innocent or not. After everything you've been through it's no bloody wonder you're feeling insecure!! I think he really needs to take a good hard look at himself and decide what he wants. If it's you, which it certainly looks like it is, then he needs to stop looking elsewhere for that bit of attention. It's no wonder you're paranoid! It's so early days and you've been through a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Sorry - I know you've calmed down today and you don't need me winding you up! I really feel for you though. I know only too well what it feels like to be messed about and I really think he should be putting everything he's got into making you feel loved and secure at this moment in time.

Obviously it's not his fault if she's chasing him. So if that's the case, and if he can't avoid women sending him messages because they're after him, then he should have a work mobile, only give out that number, and switch if off when he gets home from work! Communicating with them only during work hours should send a clear message! After work is his wife and family time. End of!
Grabbing you the way he did is also completely out of order

I hope you're ok today xx

IOHW - great news on the freezer!! Things sound like they're going really well. And definitely looking up!

Thats a good idea re the works phone and it being for work only. In fact it's a brilliant idea! Would he go for that mel? xx

Oooh MLS, the freezer is brill!!! xx

Just a thougth on the freezer if it all goes pear shaped with dh maybe you could out him in it when you have had enough of him . Actually wish i had one at this moment in time grrrr where is my af?

thought , put

thats a great idea! maybe i should drop hints about needing a chain saw now, just in case.....!

rofl iohw !

At least he would be at home more!!!

at the moment i think there is too much anger for us to speak to each other at all. I spoke to his client and it was all innocent it was a follow up text to a conversation about him going there tuesday to finish off some plumber he hasnt been able to get in there as the plasterer has been round. apparently she doesnt go to bed till 2 in the morning and texts anyone she has too from 11 onwards even her hubby confirmed this and she send a x to everyone she even sent me a text with a x last night at 11.59 saying sorry her text caused problems !!! Wierd woman!

I truely understand his anger i have accused him twice now and both times his been innocent. yet i have gone off at him. No he didnt have the right to grab me and it was a hell of a shock that he did.

think iohw is right its down to my insecurities and i just dont know how to get past them. I just dont know where to go from him whether to contact him or just leave it alone and wait for him to maybe get in touch. i dont want my marriage over but how do i get past the anger and the hurt?

It takes a lot of hard work Mel, a lot of self control and a lot of talking to yourself. Instead of jumping straight in with accusations or sarcastic comments etc you need to take a deep breath and say nothing. If you are in danger of opening your mouth then just walk away from the situation until you have thought things through and rationalised.

What is it that makes you feel insecure about yourself?

Send me a list of your positive attributes Please! x

iohw i have been through so much pain in my life time even my dad says no one on earth deserves what i have gone through. In my dh i thought i had found someone to truely love me and care for me and never hurt me.And he has and i feel so destroyed.

i feel sick from pain killers. my baby is asleep and the others are eating dinner so i can come into th eoffice and cry. i just want him to come home and hold me. im angry and im hurt and i want to lash out.
I just want tthe answers to make it all better .

Melminx, I have been through a lot of pain in my life too. My whole life seems to have been nothing but pain.

But I have decided I don't want to be a victim of my past anymore, I don't want to be trapped, stuck with all that baggage for the rest of my life. I want to be free of it all. Thats another thing I'm working on besides all this stuff with DP. During all this 'reinvention' of myself Ive realised that I brought a lot of baggage and problems into this relationship with DP and in doing so i haven't helped matters. I am a very insecure person too and that has caused problems here with me needing reassurance etc but not getting it. Now I don't need his reassurance because I'm the one giving it to myself! I don't need his approval of me because I'm aproving of me.

Don't get me wrong, it's not miraculously all ok. Im working on it every single day. Its my focus at the moment.

If you want him to hold you and love you Mel then you have to stop pushing him away. You have to let him love you and you have to feel worthy of his love. You are worthy of his love you just have to believe it. You kick him out because you think he is going to leave you anyway. You think you kicking him out will save you the pain of him leaving but, you end up hurting yourself more in the long run. XX

your right

mel I rally don't think you should blame yourself in any way here. if your dh hadn't done anything to spoil the trust in the first place then you wouldn't have any reason to feel like you do

could you just ring him and ask him to come back? tell him you need a hug and you want to sort this out?

would you perhaps consider counselling for yourself? either relationship counselling for both of you or just one-to-one for you? it could help you work out what you want and it could also help you deal with all of these insecurities so that you can cope better with whatever the future throws at you.

i need to say this too - even if she does text after 11pm at night, why would she text "what you up to? x" why is she texting a bloke who's working for her in that way? i just don't like the sound of it. that's not a follow up to work. that's friendly, and looking for a 'chat' if nothing else - but why? like you say maybe because she has her own relationship problems so was looking for attention from your bloke... but i really don't think you overreacted. especially in the circumstances. honestly i don't.

but what i want to say - is quite often, people who are 'up to no good' so to speak, are so convincing that they often have their partner doubting themselves! i've seen this first hand more than once. the person having the affair (or whatever) makes their partner feel like the most worthless, suspicious person in the world. makes them doubt and hate themselves. and generally leaves them feeling low, depressed and confused. it's only (much) later, that the truth is revealed and that person finally breathes a sigh of relief and realises that they were not going mad after all!!

now i'm not for one minute saying he's having an affair. no way. and fwiw i don't think he is. but at the same time, his own actions have spolit your trust in him, and now he's making you feel horrendous for being insecure. that's so unfair. i will say again, this is not your fault and you're entitled to feel how you do. the least he can do is help you work through it together so you can both be happy in the end.

{{{hugs}}}

thats exactly how i read the text as in wanting a conversation. and the who's mel just sent me fuming! i dont think his having an affair.

but i hate the blubbering self doubting self loathing whining thing i have become its not the real me the real me is fun and lovely i want to be that mel again.

guess its my fault for marrying a fit builder. It doesnt help that he is naturally friendly doesnt realise some women take it the wrong way.

Mel love, he chose to marry you too

I can relate to what you say about hating the person you have become, thats exactly the way I felt. I didn't like myself at all. But I do now

And thats what I mean by all I say in my posts. Thats how I want you to feel. xx

and you will be that person again.

iohw is right - he chose to marry you too. and i do think he really loves you and wants to be with you.

i think now you just need to do what you say and decide if you want him or not. if you do, i'm sure you can work through this. we're always here to help. and a RL 3rd party could work wonders. you'll be back to yourself in no time i'm sure xx

i do want my marriage but i want to turn the clock back till before he cheated on me before he hurt me. I know i cant but i honestly dont know how to get past it all.

You have to be very strong. You have to wake up in the morning and say "right, yesterday is history, the past is the past and thats where it's staying" and you have to retrain your brain to keep thinking that way
At the moment you are just going round in vicious circles. Even I'm getting dizzy

Have to go now Mel but will be back to check on you first thing in the morning. xx

i can really relate to that. wanting to turn the clock back or just be able to wipe out all these feelings of hurt and anger. wanting things to be as they were before this big nightmare started...

but we can't do that can we. i want to more than anything in the world. but i can't.

that's why i know i have to find a way to deal with how i feel if i want to stay with dh. if i keep going over things it will destroy us and will make me into someone i don't want to be.

i don't have the answers how to do it. but people do get through and become stronger in the end. it just takes time and a lot of effort on both sides.

if i'm truthful i don't actually know myself if i can deal with everything, or if over time i will just resent dh more and more and my feelings will continue to eat me up so much that i will have to move on without him. i guess only time will tell... xx

why do they do it 5 minutes of fun for them and endless pain for us.

Hi Mel

How are you? I hope you are feeling a little better today. Have you heard from DH? have you managed to sort anything out?

I'm thinking of you anyway xx