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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there ever a valid reason to have an affair?

118 replies

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 17:54

I know there probably isn't really but I haven't had sex with my DH for about 5 years. He doesn't want to and doesn't want things to be different. Not due to medical reasons, he just doesn't like/respect me.

I don't want to never have sex again! I'm not even half way through my life. I would consider splitting up with him (although I do still love him) but worrried about the impact on DC and that they would only see him about once every 2-3 months. This would inevitably damage their relationship and I would never want to do this. I suppose the other option is to wait 15 years until I they've left home but I'll be 50 by then!

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 26/07/2017 17:56

You are going to stay with a man who does not like or respect you?
What does that teach your children?
Life is too short. Split up and be happy.

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 17:58

They won't see their father very often and they love him. I can't do that to them just because I crave physical affection.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 26/07/2017 17:59

Then sort out access.

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 18:00

He would move overseas so logistically it would be very difficult.

Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
BadHatter · 26/07/2017 18:01

Why would they see him so infrequently?

PaintingByNumbers · 26/07/2017 18:01

You could try telling him you plan on getting sex outside the marriage? Is he doing that already?

Adora10 · 26/07/2017 18:01

So you'd rather bring them up in a household where the man disrespects the mother; that's all shades wrong OP.

You can quite easily co parent amicably, why would he only see them every 2-3 months, I don't get it?

And NO, never a time when an affair could ever be called justified, never. End your relationship and go find a man that respects and wants a sexual relationship with you.

Grooves · 26/07/2017 18:02

Has he said he'd move over seas?

What's he like as a dad now? Is he there for them? A good dad?

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 18:03

Because he would move overseas. Long distance.

I don't think he's having an affair but of course impossible to know for certain.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/07/2017 18:04

There is never any valid reason to have an affair.

If you want sex and your DH won't give it to you, you either put up with it or you leave. Anything else is being a cunt.

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 18:04

We live overseas. He would return to the UK.

OP posts:
SignoraStronza · 26/07/2017 18:04

I'm going to disagree (and be flamed) but wouldn't have any qualms about having an affair in this case. I'd probably just divorce him though if he doesn't like or respect you - what are you getting our out the relationship?

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 18:05

Thanks, What To Do. You sound just like my husband. He regularly calls me a cunt too.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 26/07/2017 18:05

Ask him if he will agree to an open relationship, he might be thinking the same as you?

SpartacusSaiman · 26/07/2017 18:07

No there isnt an excuse.

He doesnt respect you. Thats an awful house/situation to grow up in.

If he chooses to move back to the UK tgats his choice.

If you insist on staying the right thing would be tell him you are going to look outside the marriage.

Grooves · 26/07/2017 18:07

Are you not able to follow?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2017 18:07

If he loved them that much then he would make every effort to see them post separation. If he so readily moved abroad then I would argue that his commitment to seeing them going forward is not that high.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You two parents in their lives are both selfish and between you are showing your children that a loveless relationship is their norm too. You are teaching damaging lessons about relationships, lessons that they could repeat in their own relationships as adults. Its no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

Walkingtowork · 26/07/2017 18:08

I think the dc will inevitably pick up on the fact he doesn't like or respect you. How horrible for you Flowers

As a side note, there was a thread here a while back where almost everyone agreed an affair was ok. It was very different situation - elderly man whose dw had severe dementia. After many years of looking after her he started a new relationship, still being dw's primary carer, all their adult dc were happy for him (long story short).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2017 18:09

Even if your children do not directly hear you being sworn at by their dad, they certainly pick up on all the unspoken vibes of your reactions to it and life at home. Its awful for these children as well as you.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/07/2017 18:09

I'm not calling you a cunt, OP.

I'm saying if you were to have an affair you would be a cunt.

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 18:10

I appreciate your dc love their df. . Do they need a relationship with such a twat that you need to sacrifice your happiness? Imo all dc need is a happy dm to make enable then to have a stable and loving childhood. In years to come when they release exactly the sort of man he is will they not felt guilt that you stayed out of duty to them?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2017 18:12

If this marriage is over its over. Children should never be used as glue to bind the two of you together; staying with him for the sake of the children gives them the lesson that your marriage was based on a lie. they are also not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him.

Adora10 · 26/07/2017 18:13

He regularly calls me a cunt too

And your children listening; bringing them up in a dysfunctional relationship will do them more harm that a split, I've seen it first hand, even as adults they still struggle due to the poor example they were shown, they think it's normal and then repeat, making them unhappy adults.

Really think about this OP, could be your chance to give yourself and your children a better life.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 26/07/2017 18:17

@IKnewTheStorm sorry you are going through this, but I know many people may disagree but I think you can have healthy and positive relationship with your parent despite not seeing them everyday. This should not be a reason to stay with someone who doesn't respect you or give you sex. It is not selfish at all, surely part of the marital agreement is that you will try your best to please each other sexually. From being on MN I have learnt how important sex actually is. It can be dealbreaker. It sounds like the marriage is already over if he is crossing boundaries and being horrible to you. If you stay with him in a few years time you still won't have had any sex and would stay to feel shit about yourself.

Lastly, whilst i understand how you are feeling, I don't believe there is any excuse for having an affair. You are better off just getting rid of him.

MeganChips · 26/07/2017 18:18

Cunt is thrown around a lot on affair threads. It doesn't necessarily make you one though.

Personally I think life and people are a lot more complicated than that.

Many years ago I had an affair at the end of an abusive marriage. With hindsight I wish I'd had the strength to leave before that but the fact is, I just didn't. I was too broken. It took being valued and loved by someone who woke me up to how people actually treat those they care about to make me realise I could escape.

I am, was not and never will be sorry. If that makes me a cunt, so be it.