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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there ever a valid reason to have an affair?

118 replies

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 17:54

I know there probably isn't really but I haven't had sex with my DH for about 5 years. He doesn't want to and doesn't want things to be different. Not due to medical reasons, he just doesn't like/respect me.

I don't want to never have sex again! I'm not even half way through my life. I would consider splitting up with him (although I do still love him) but worrried about the impact on DC and that they would only see him about once every 2-3 months. This would inevitably damage their relationship and I would never want to do this. I suppose the other option is to wait 15 years until I they've left home but I'll be 50 by then!

OP posts:

Walkingtowork · 26/07/2017 18:21

Of course life is more complicated, what you did is completely understandable Megan and it's great that you escaped.

Moanyoldcow · 26/07/2017 18:22

Staying with someone who doesn't like or respect you is a ridiculous thing to do. You will harm your children bringing them up in that environment.

You know how often my husband has called me a cunt? Never unless in jest when I beat him at a boardgame

Adora10 · 26/07/2017 18:23

Megan, for once in my life I actually can see your pov; I am 100% against affairs; they break hearts and destroy people.

BUT, in your kind of case, then yes I get it.

What I don't get is folk coming on here saying they are shagging their colleague, who is also married, they know it's naughty and wrong but well they just can't help themselves, I can't stand that BS; they just want to gloat about their great sex that nobody knows about.

OrangeButton · 26/07/2017 18:29

I am against affairs in general. In this situation, where the partner isn't interested in sex and there's no medical issue, especially when divorce is more complicated than usual, I'd say go and swing from the chandeliers!

revolution909 · 26/07/2017 18:31

Children are happier without the abusive parent. I can say this from experience. I think the trust is gone so having an affair in that way makes no difference, but wouldn't the you rather be free? The children will honestly be better that way

Adora10 · 26/07/2017 18:37

In reality though, living under the same roof with your abusive partner, two kids, then throw an affair in the pot, that could make life at home even more difficult?

You're just putting off the inventible as this relationship is long dead.

MeganChips · 26/07/2017 18:44

Thanks Adora.

I agree that it would make life at hope more unbearable. You would probably also be adding guilt and a hefty amount of fear into what already sounds pretty grim.

While I can completely understand the desire to feel valued again, if you can find the strength to end it first it will be better for everyone although I appreciate it's not always that easy.

You deserve to be happy, your DC will almost certainly be happier if you are and no child wants to hear their father call their mother a cunt. It's no life for you or them.

Good luck.

FledglingFTB · 26/07/2017 18:50

Unless you're both amazing actors then you'll be doing your kids no favours by exposing them to such a toxic homelife.
Opinion is from personal experience.

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 19:12

Sorry for the delay in coming back, I've just been at a physio appointment.

I truly appreciate all the responses. There's a lot of great perspective that I need to think through.

I do crave physical affection and actually even just someone that's interested in me and asks me what I think about things or how my day has been. I get none of this at home. Mostly I am ignored or get a barrel load of criticism. He doesn't often do it in front of the DC and they're still young enough to not get it at the moment.

Ultimately though I wonder if I'm just being selfish wanting this for myself and instead should just suck it up and put my life on hold for now. The affair question was more just if I could find a way of living like this for the next 10-15 years.

I am a long way away from actually having an affair myself and even if I did, I would never knowingly get involved with a married man because I wouldn't want to fuck up someone else's marriage. I'm well aware that most decent men would not be interested in me if they knew I was married.

OP posts:

HeyRoly · 26/07/2017 19:14

Why are you even considering an affair, when the best option is to divorce this man who hates you?

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 19:18

To keep my DC with their father and find a way for me to exist.

OP posts:

Grooves · 26/07/2017 19:19

Has he said he would go back to the uk if you were to break up?

Grooves · 26/07/2017 19:21

If your children hear their father put you down, There could come a time they put you down. It could happen!

SleightOfHand · 26/07/2017 19:22

Unless you're both amazing actors then you'll be doing your kids no favours by exposing them to such a toxic homelife. I agree, children are so intuitive from a very young age, they really are. I remember my son from a very young age, I don't think he was even walking at the time, if there was any perceived danger or something new he hadn't come across before, he would look at my face to see what my reaction was, to know whether it was safe or not. Children can sense all sorts of emotions, sadness, stress and fear, all sorts of things. They will be able to sense this from you, even if your words say otherwise.

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 19:23

Yes. And he would have to if we divorced because I sponsor him (I'm the one with the work permit).

I could follow but not for a while as I'm on an overseas assignment so wouldn't be great for my career if I ended it early. I'd need to resign and it's too good an opportunity to give up really especially if I'm going to be a single parent.

OP posts:

WunWun · 26/07/2017 19:24

They won't long be young enough not to realise what's happening, and then all you will be doing by staying is teaching them that that's how men should treat women. They will grow up thinking women should accept being called a cunt and treated like shit. Is it worth that?

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 19:27

I don't know Wun. I don't know what's to do for the best. Utterly conflicted and terrified of making the wrong decision for their sakes.

OP posts:

ChilliMary · 26/07/2017 19:29

You are still young, why would you consider wasting even more of your life on him? Staying for the kids sake, will probably damage them more, and mess you up even more so.

Grooves · 26/07/2017 19:32

I think you'd do great on your own! How do you feel coming home? What's homelife like? Do you feel anxious, worried about there being a scene?

If it was you and the children, there wouldn't be any of that. You deserve peace and a happy home life.

SleightOfHand · 26/07/2017 19:39

Would separating but not divorcing be an option.

Hunted68 · 26/07/2017 19:40

Loads of kids don't physically see their fathers much even when they are still married to their mums. Armed forces, riggers etc. That's what FaceTime and telephones were invented for. You don't actually need to see a child for them to know you are thinking about them and love them. A friend of mine was married to someone from the States and she went back with their daughter when they split. 15 years later she is now in the UK with him whilst at Univesity. He only saw her twice a year for 3 weeks each time but kept in touch Daily/weekly. It is possible

gluteustothemaximus · 26/07/2017 19:40

You really cannot live like this. You sound so unhappy

You will be far better off alone, and would have a chance to meet someone who loves and respects you, values your opinion, and wants to kiss, cuddle, hand hold and have sex with you.

He sounds very abusive, and I understand your thought process on putting up with it but having an affair.

I really hope you can find a way to separate/divorce. This is so much more unhealthy for the children to stay as things are. How old are they? x

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 20:18

They are twins. Aged 6

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 26/07/2017 20:22

Yeah I did. I didn't love my ea husband and I fell in love with a work colleague who I'm now blissfully proud to call my husband 7 years later. The affair went on for about a month while I sorted the practical side of leaving and got my courage together. It was quite simple but it was an affair whichever way I dress it up.

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 20:24

The other thing though is that as well as them loving him, he loves them and is a great DF to them. I get the thought process that if he's not good to me then he's not really a good father but on a day to day level he is good with them and they're safe and happy with him. I can't do the job I do and give them the same level of support and help. I could get a nanny but someone that's paid is never going to have the same level of investment in my DC as a loving parent.

So, there are 3 options:

Leave
Suggest an open marriage
Maintain status quo

Pity an affair is not an option as I could do with the confidence boost but I knew (and mentioned in my OP) that it wasn't an option.

Think it will be option 3 for a few more years or as long as I can bear it.

OP posts:

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