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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there ever a valid reason to have an affair?

118 replies

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 17:54

I know there probably isn't really but I haven't had sex with my DH for about 5 years. He doesn't want to and doesn't want things to be different. Not due to medical reasons, he just doesn't like/respect me.

I don't want to never have sex again! I'm not even half way through my life. I would consider splitting up with him (although I do still love him) but worrried about the impact on DC and that they would only see him about once every 2-3 months. This would inevitably damage their relationship and I would never want to do this. I suppose the other option is to wait 15 years until I they've left home but I'll be 50 by then!

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 02/08/2017 18:05

Im ok really RealName. Its just that in the society we live in there are still sexist notions that abound about women and sex. Its the sexism of it that pisses me off.

Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 18:20

My friend's confidence was shot to pieces as a result of her cold, unemotional and uncommunicative husband. He made her feel useless worthless and ugly. She had a brief affair and it gave her the confidence to leave him (not for OM) and rebuild her life. Made me see affairs in a slightly different light, in some circumstances anyway.

That's what all the men say! Their wife made them unhappy and they had an affair.
One rule for one, one rule for the other....

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 02/08/2017 19:06

Thank you to everyone that's offered supportive words.

I'm beyond the question of could I have an affair because it's quite clear to me that even if I wanted to, there would be no takers.

BTW, I'm not in Dubai but I am in the Middle East

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 02/08/2017 22:04

Why would you think that? So sad for you. That husband has destroyed your selfconfidence if you believe that.

GinaFordCortina · 03/08/2017 16:34

But it's not about money. It's about what is best for my DC and if that's staying in a loveless marriage (well I love him but I'm pretty sure he's told me that he doesn't love me and he's definitely told me that he has no respect for me) then I would make that sacrifice for them, regardless of the fact that I only get one life m

That's a marriage in name only. It's not even a relationship. I don't see why you're a cunt for going outside of it.

I would be very careful where you are though with regard to extra marital sex. Your husband could be setting you up by saying he doesn't care if you have sex with someone else. When does your contract end? I'd probably just move then to the UK and be done with it

GinaFordCortina · 03/08/2017 16:36

^My friend's confidence was shot to pieces as a result of her cold, unemotional and uncommunicative husband. He made her feel useless worthless and ugly. She had a brief affair and it gave her the confidence to leave him (not for OM) and rebuild her life. Made me see affairs in a slightly different light, in some circumstances anyway.That's what all the men say! Their wife made them unhappy and they had an affair.
One rule for one, one rule for the other....^

That's what they tell the OW. If they really are staying together for the children and being called a cunt at home I think I'd have some sympathy though.

jeaux90 · 03/08/2017 16:59

OP I was in the gulf when I split. Are your kids on your RP/WP or his?

I had to stay for a year longer than I wanted but did move back to the UK with my dd.

Don't have an affair out there it's so risky.

If he's not working are you his sponsor?

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 03/08/2017 17:32

Yes, I'm the sponsor for my husband and my DC.

There's plenty of non-marital sex going on here but agree you have to be careful.

Apart from my DC being more settled with their father, there's a certain respectability in being married here. If I'm not going to meet anyone else anyway, seems pointless to leave. Apart from his demands for money. He wants me to pay off his mortgage by the end of the week - about £20k.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 03/08/2017 18:04

There was a lot of it going on when I was there. I wouldn't risk it!

He sounds a right nasty nob.

Here's what I would do (and did)

Get yourself a live in (if you don't already)
Separate (make sure you keep the live in)
Fuck respectable no one cares
Finish your contract when it suits
Move back (assuming you are from the uk brig the live in with you under a domestic worker visa)
Divorce under your home law

mikeyssister · 03/08/2017 18:31

Tell him to fuck off and do no such thing

Original poster

IKnewTheStorm · 03/08/2017 19:07

Told him to fuck off re. the money and got my face slapped. Not hard. He said he wouldn't hurt me properly because I wasn't worth the bother. He was trying to intimidate me. It didn't work.

So, I could separate and get a maid (I don't have one now) and all that. But my DC wouldn't have someone that was really invested in them and I would be alone AND single. I would feel pretty pathetic about this TBH. I have a successful career but at less than 40 would have two failed marriages behind me (married really young for a couple of years, first time, no children).

OP posts:

user1471453601 · 03/08/2017 19:20

Whattodo, really? No excuse? Ever?

A friend's husband was left with brain damage following an accident. He was incapable of having anything resembling an adult relationship. Without his wife, he would have to live in a care home. Friend chose to look after him. Some years after the accident, she met a man who understood her situation, but still cared for her. This man kept my friend sane and able to continue to look after her husband until he died.

Never say never is pretty good advise

shinyshiner · 03/08/2017 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeaux90 · 03/08/2017 20:08

My live in has been with me 8 years. Find one that you will have a symbiotic relationship with. Mine is 48 now, single mum and the salary (which I increased hugely when she started working for me) has put her son through college in the Philippines. She's a single mum too.

To stop depending on him you need to think about things differently.

Being single is pathetic??? not very feminist of you. Telling him to fuck off is

Everyone tells me how strong I have been and I get a lot of respect for not putting up with abusive shite and taking control of my life.

I'm 45. I left 7 years ago. You earn good money. Use it to your advantage.

BirdBandit · 03/08/2017 20:37

I read on here often that folk should just leave an abusive marriage, or a bad marriage.

I can't and won't. I understand that I am giving the kids a messed up demonstration of what a marriage could be, but whilst we are married, I have full access to my kids. I can have, as much as is regular, influence on my kids eduction/welfare/development etc.

If we divorced I would be leaving them alone, as kids, to deal with him on a probable 50/50 basis.

No to that. I will deal with his nonsense and resign myself to never shagging again, to keep my kids.

Not how I wanted things to be. If you had an affair OP, I wouldn't think you were a cunt, but a woman in a bad situation trying to make things tolerable.

Personally I can't be arsed, got enough to do!

shinyshiner · 04/08/2017 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdBandit · 04/08/2017 17:45

shinyshinerThat is probably very wise advice.

SomeonesRealName · 19/08/2017 07:37

Well said shinyshiner! Another point I would make - and I know this won't apply to every situation but it's common - very rarely can abusive men actually be arsed to have the kids 50% of the time without you there to do the actual graft. Kids get in the way of their awesome sparkling lives.

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