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Original poster

Is there ever a valid reason to have an affair?

118 replies

IKnewTheStorm · 26/07/2017 17:54

I know there probably isn't really but I haven't had sex with my DH for about 5 years. He doesn't want to and doesn't want things to be different. Not due to medical reasons, he just doesn't like/respect me.

I don't want to never have sex again! I'm not even half way through my life. I would consider splitting up with him (although I do still love him) but worrried about the impact on DC and that they would only see him about once every 2-3 months. This would inevitably damage their relationship and I would never want to do this. I suppose the other option is to wait 15 years until I they've left home but I'll be 50 by then!

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 29/07/2017 09:35

He doesn't HAVE to move overseas, if he loves his children he will stay here.
He is just putting up endless obstacles. If he loves his kids he will work with you to see them often, if he can't be bothered to do this for them then that's his problem not yours or the childrens.
You will get to 50 and realise that you wasted the best years of your life on a man who basically hates you. This is what happened to me and that is a terrible experience I can promise you because it all changes at 50 and you are no longer the person you were.
This almost sounds like an arranged marriage.

Kr1stina · 29/07/2017 09:38

Why don't you separate but not divorce yet ? i asume his permission to reside in the country is related to his marital status not his living arrangements ?

Then you can get a nany to cover the days you work and your children are with you.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 29/07/2017 09:45

Your H isn't staying with you for you, he's staying for his children, if he moved to the UK then that's a decision he has undertook to not be involved in his children's life, that isn't your issue that's his to reflect on.

Divorce this man, and learn to respect and love yourself.

jeaux90 · 29/07/2017 09:48

I was living in the gulf with my abusive ex.

I was working and had a live in nanny.

I moved out, he tried to co-parent but was useless.

I moved back to the uk after a year of the split. He hasn't seen my dd for 6 years. But he's an asshole. It can work.

I would have had an affair too believe me if it was available! (However it illegal where I was living) I understand why people do it in abusive situations.

My advice is get him to leave, get a nanny, co-parent for a while then see how you feel.

PoorYorick · 29/07/2017 14:33

The wedding vows aren't just about forsaking all others, there's also the line about 'to have and to hold, to love and to cherish'.

I honestly don't understand people who have no interest in sex, intimacy or affection with their partners, don't care if the partners are upset by this, yet consider it to be a hanging offence if they go elsewhere. Ideally yes, you would end the marriage first but if ending unhappy marriages were that straightforward, more people would do it.

Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 02/08/2017 04:27

Re. He doesn't have to leave/we could separate, I can't afford to run two households. He doesn't work and has no interest in working any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
IKnewTheStorm · 02/08/2017 04:36

In any case, we have had further 'discussions' since I last posted.

He has told me that he is living a single lifestyle, although not seeing anyone else and has no intention of seeing anyone else. He said he had his fun when he was younger and is not interested in that any more. He has said I can do whatever I please (i.e. have an affair).

He has said he can't have sex with me because I am such a horrible person, always being awful to him. I have been horrible but I honestly believe that this is only in reaction to him being horrible to me. He denies that he has done anything wrong ever.

He also said that I am a terrible mother and that he worries about leaving the DC with me. I think he is a better parent than me. He has more patience and is more consistent with ground rules and discipline. And he's amazingly supportive with homework/sport etc.

He also said that when we're out, people are always looking at him and not at me. The implication was that he could get someone else but I couldn't. This is true too. He is good looking and charismatic. People always warm to him and he's very charming. It's only me that he doesn't like.

So the summary of all of this, is that if I left my DC would suffer and I'd be alone anyway. Doesn't seem much point leaving then.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 06:04

No affair is legitimate, but we are all humans with flaws, so affairs are understandable, and forgivable.

SomeonesRealName · 02/08/2017 06:42

OP i think an affair is a bad idea in this situation. You need to have the moral high ground as if he discovers an affair, then that will become the narrative and your children will be encouraged to see the break up as all the fault of your affair. Also consider what the divorce laws are where you are - an affair might be something that's taken into account in terms of fault in the distribution of the marital assets.

jeaux90 · 02/08/2017 06:55

Oh god OP he sounds bloody awful. Insecure and controlling at best.

You know you need to completely separate don't you, you need to find happiness and you can do that your own and co-parenting.

Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 07:30

@SomeonesRealName

Also consider what the divorce laws are where you are - an affair might be something that's taken into account in terms of fault in the distribution of the marital assets.

That has no bearing in the UK. Which countries does it count for something?

PaintingByNumbers · 02/08/2017 07:49

If shes in dubai, for instance, she could be jailed. Its a very very valid point wrt fault divorce as well, even perhaps custody of children.
I wouldnt believe his shit about you not finding anyone. In the light of your discussion, personally I'd be straight on an affair website or throwing him out (assuming I didnt live in dubai/similar)

Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 08:05

Crikey - jailed for an affair. That's appalling.

headinhands · 02/08/2017 10:06

I think what would happen is that you would start an affair that became serious and would end up ending the marriage anyway. Save time and end it now. It would be his choice to see them so infrequently.

headinhands · 02/08/2017 10:07

And if he's calling you names I'm not sure he's a great father

Gazelda · 02/08/2017 10:40

I'm firmly in the 'separate' camp, but understand it's far easier for me to say than for you act upon.
How soon can you extricate yourself from your work contract? Can you set this as D Day and make plans to separate as soon as it is practicable?

In the meantime, do you think some counselling would help you (single, not joint)? Five years
Of the abuse he has been giving you would be enough to near-destroy anyone's self esteem, confidence, belief, hope.

You are a breadwinner, loving mother and loyal wife. He is an abuser. I know which I'd say is the better parent.

stumblymonkeyagain · 02/08/2017 10:59

I really think you should see about getting some counselling (on your own)...he has got into your head to the degree that you aren't thinking clearly anymore.

You need to re-centre on yourself and your DC, you can't do that while he is in your head and you believe whatever nasty shit he tells you. He has ground you down.

Take things one step at a time...perhaps leaving is too big a thing to contemplate right now so start with the first small step. Whatever happens next you'll need to be strong and feel more sure of yourself and your worth than you do now...counselling will help you with that, and then you can think about the next step once you're strong enough.

You keep saying you love him?

Why? I can't understand how you can love someone that treats you so badly and that you get so little from?

That makes no sense to me at all....?

SomeonesRealName · 02/08/2017 12:25

Haven't re-read the thread but OP is outside the UK I thought?

augustangst · 02/08/2017 12:33

My friend's confidence was shot to pieces as a result of her cold, unemotional and uncommunicative husband. He made her feel useless worthless and ugly. She had a brief affair and it gave her the confidence to leave him (not for OM) and rebuild her life. Made me see affairs in a slightly different light, in some circumstances anyway.

Tingatingatale · 02/08/2017 13:36

I met someone before I left my exh. It was an emotionally abusive, sexless marriage. I knew i would have to leave and didn't have the confidence or the fight in me to do it although I tried many times. It took someone else telling me I was worth something to feel like I was. I also just wanted to feel something after no affection for so long. I met him and said I was leaving three weeks later. I am still with him. I regret the way I did it but am now with a man who is my best friend and treats me with utmost respect and loves me. I won't regret that.

My children will also know be able to see what a normal relationship is instead of a mother being shouted out and spoken to like shit until she is scared to speak

mikulkin · 02/08/2017 13:56

He has told me that he is living a single lifestyle, although not seeing anyone else and has no intention of seeing anyone else. He said he had his fun when he was younger and is not interested in that any more. He has said I can do whatever I please (i.e. have an affair).

OP, he essentially said you can have open relationship, not affair. So why don't you go for it?
And do not listen to him about being alone anyway. That is just plain emotionally abusive. Since he has given to you green light for open relationship, try it and you will get your confidence back and be able to leave him.

HelenaDove · 02/08/2017 16:49

"As a side note, there was a thread here a while back where almost everyone agreed an affair was ok. It was very different situation - elderly man whose dw had severe dementia. After many years of looking after her he started a new relationship, still being dw's primary carer, all their adult dc were happy for him (long story short)"

Interesting. My DH is disabled and im his full time carer. Hes not got dementia but emphysema and ischemic heart disease and we havent been physical for many years.

If i had posted similar to above i suspect i would have got my arse handed to me on a plate

SomeonesRealName · 02/08/2017 17:52

That sounds very difficult Helena x

nomoreheroesanymore · 02/08/2017 18:04

I always find these threads bizarre. So the spouse is fine to behave like a total bastard. Abusive, vile, sneering or controlling.

Yet if the other partner has an affair, she's the cunt?

How on earth is that worse?