Is there ever a valid reason to have an affair?

[IKnewTheStorm]

I know there probably isn't really but I haven't had sex with my DH for about 5 years. He doesn't want to and doesn't want things to be different. Not due to medical reasons, he just doesn't like/respect me.

I don't want to never have sex again! I'm not even half way through my life. I would consider splitting up with him (although I do still love him) but worrried about the impact on DC and that they would only see him about once every 2-3 months. This would inevitably damage their relationship and I would never want to do this. I suppose the other option is to wait 15 years until I they've left home but I'll be 50 by then!

When I ended my marriage we kind of found an option 4 which was 50 50 parenting and I worked (full time, professional position) flexible hours to do most of my hours when they were with him. Worked a treat.

Life's too short.

Thanks for your honesty Des. There was another PP that said an affair gave her the confidence to leave too. I think I could be like that. An abusive relationship has become my normal and I'm often quite
surprised at how shocked my friends are when I tell them things about what my husband has said or done to me because it doesn't seem that bad to me anymore.

Are you in regular contact with good friends? Just to give you the emotional support you need, whatever you decide to do.

When I was younger, younger than your kids are now, I picked up on my parents terrible terrible marriage. It taught me that I could also be awful and rude to my mum when a preteen/teenager and that then extended to other people when older.

I then got into an abusive relationship and then became the abuser in my next relationship. I never saw what a good relationship was until I was nearing 30.

Please leave, for your children's sake, if not for your own.

My parents split eventually and it was the best thing for both of them and our family. My dad moved to the other side of the world with his new gf not long after but that was because he was (and still is sometimes) a knob and self absorbed.

Cross-post! Glad you've got them on your side

Find the right nanny and you'd be surprised at the level of investment they put into your kids. We had our nanny for 4.5 years and she's basically a member of the family now. I'm seriously considering offering her guardianship of the children if OH and I were both to die prematurely.

There's no value in staying with someone emotionally abusive just because he'd miss the kids, and vice versa. Yes, it would damage the kids' relationship with their father. That's unfortunately a predictable consequence of being emotionally abusive to your partner.

I bet you that if you explain your reasons for leaving to your kids when they're old enough, they will understand. And they should know the reasons. Men get away with this kind of shit because nobody explains to boys that it's unacceptable to treat women like they're sub-human, and if you do, it will have ripple effects on your relationships.

Sorry to hear about your situation. He sounds a manipulative abusive bastard and you sound ground down by it.

You don't need an affair..a divorce would do the trick! There's a happy life out there for you and your kids after a bastard x

There is no guarantee that as the children grow and start to question things he won't do the same to them,i.e., deny them some affection and start to verbally abuse them. What are his family like?

What's best for your kids is NOT growing up with their mother still married to their abusive cunt of a father. You poor thing. What are you options for kicking him out? I guess you can't move out?

Please leave OP. You can't live like this. You get one life on this earth and then that's it. Choose happiness and freedom. Your children will soon pick up on the atmosphere even if they witness no abuse.

That's a good point about him starting on them in the future. It wouldn't surprise me and that would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I can take it but never would allow it to happen to them.

He doesn't have a great relationship with his family. Falls out with most people at some point as he cannot take anything less than uncritical adulation.

I can definitely ask him to leave. I pay for everything. Everything is in my name.

But it's not about money. It's about what is best for my DC and if that's staying in a loveless marriage (well I love him but I'm pretty sure he's told me that he doesn't love me and he's definitely told me that he has no respect for me) then I would make that sacrifice for them, regardless of the fact that I only get one life myself.

I would never put my need for companionship or physical affection above what is best for them. And at the moment, I'm strongly leaning towards keeping their father around for them.

*So, there are 3 options:

1. Leave
2. Suggest an open marriage
3. Maintain status quo

Pity an affair is not an option as I could do with the confidence boost but I knew (and mentioned in my OP) that it wasn't an option.*

This horrible list is exactly what my DH would spout to me. I was miserable in my marriage yet he justified his infidelity because I didn't make him happy.
He didn't/wouldn't/couldn't understand why I was unhappy. It was down to me to make him happy. He wasn't interested in making any effort to improve his behavior.
Is this something you could be guilty of?
(Not saying you are at all but just playing devils advocate).
Does your husband talk to you about why the physical side of your relationship has broken down?
If my partner had told me that he was leaving & he simply could not live this way anymore then could we have found a way to improve the situation without infidelity?
Or at least separate without a stain on one character and heart break on the other?
For me yes.
Don't compromise your dignity, integrity and principles because your partner is behaving in an insensitive & uncaring way.

Your children are at age where they tend to love their parentswith uncritical adulation. This. Very soon and then he will start on them. The damage of watching one parent mistreating another is huge. For your children's sake do not stay with this man. He will have phone you down emotionally have knocked your confidence. When he is gone, the distance in fact will seem like a blessing. Good luck.

This will end, but that was meant to say!

There's never any justification for having an affair.

Leave him

Thanks, Shiny Shiner, I appreciate the support.

I have always considered how I could have made things better or different. I want us to be happy. But the problem is that he is so unreasonable and inconsistent in what he asks. He will never have a straightforward conversation on how we could both do things differently. It always escalates into how awful I am and how no one else would put up with me. He won't give me a straight answer on where I'm so bad and lurches from one past transgression to another so quickly I never get a chance to put across my side. Past transgressions include not buying him more birthday presents (the year he got an iPad and a Gucci wallet) and being ungrateful for my birthday present (a bottle of perfume) because I hadn't taken it straight to the bedroom so obviously I didn't like it. And when he no longer wants to talk about it (within about 10 minutes) he'll tell me I'm whinging and moaning and will go to another room and shut the door in my face.

So really hard to fix things and I have tried on many occasions.

It always escalates into how awful I am and how no one else would put up with me.

This is not true, and he is emotionally abusing you.

So really hard to fix things and I have tried on many occasions

It takes two, to make things work in a relationship. It is not you. It is him.

6 years old - they will be fully aware of what is going on, and learning behaviour already, accepting that this is normal. Normal for a father to treat their mother like this.

Please please show them, that this is not normal, and leave because no one should have to put up with that.

Your self esteem is at rock bottom. And, I only really thought about leaving (despite emotional, physical abuse, and cheating!) when someone showed an interest in me, and started talking to me like I was worth something.

I didn't have an affair, but I did think about it, and that what put me on the path to leaving actually.

I cannot emphasise enough, that none of this is your fault, and your life will be so much better when you leave. Please do not worry about your children.

Children in happy loving relationships with dads who are in the Army, cope. So taking your children away from verbal abuse, and an unhappy marriage is just fine. I think that makes sense!

It's a really good analogy about fathers (or parents) working away from home and still having good relationships with their children. I'd never considered it like this but it gives me a lot of hope. My DB is in the army and although he doesn't have children, he has a happy marriage despite working away for quite long periods overseas so I do know that it's possible to maintain relationships despite the distance.

Don't know why I hadn't considered this in my own situation. Thank you.

I wouldn't judge you for it in this instance. But I do think a divorce will make you all happier long term. I grew up hearing my father calling my mother all sorts of names and I wish she'd just left.

I don't understand why some people think having an affair is the greatest sin on earth. This man is emotionally abusive and is destroying you as a person in a form of slow torture. Soon your children will start to see it or maybe he will also turn on them. Your confidence is understandably destroyed. If you need to have an affair to get enough confidence to leave the fucker, go for your life. You don't owe him anything. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your children away from him. Your children will probably be better off seeing him once a quarter. If I was in your position I wouldn't want someone like that having any influence over my children at all.

Why would you want them to be around such an immature asshole?

Did you ask him what he wants from the marriage? Just talk to him. Don't mention sex but talk about him being abusive to you, disrespectful and that you crave a normal family life with your husband. Is it possible? Is it dead? What's next then? Ask him as he may want to separate as well but is staying because of the children.

I agree Minimum97.

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do for your own sanity.

I know someone who has been having an affair for 7 years and it keeps them sane.

Affairs are frowned upon on here as a lot of people have been on the end of them.