I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

Good luck OP

Sorry I thought you meant the superhero Flash🙈

Split now, hes not going to change.

Wtf is up with some folk on this thread barking aggressively at the op to get a grip and dump him? That's what she's doing? Ffs!

Your thread title should really have been "I'm going to end my relationship because of a kettle"

Good luck OP, you're doing the right thing.

Not just any kettle. An orange kettle.

This is a really tricky one. I have similar with dh and it is one of the fundamental problems in our marriage. It makes things stressful and we argue about it a lot. We have very different ideas about how to spend money. If this carries on once you're married i feel it would make things worse.

Your thread title should really have been "I'm going to end my relationship because of a kettle"

That would be a great title.

Ianou That really made me giggle! Have a vision of thousands of women recoiling in disgust as soon as they see it...! X

Hope it went ok OP x

Man that's an ugly kettle ... and I like orange!

At first I thought the £32 was going to be the expensive kettle :o Mine was £39 but I hummed and haahed about it for ages and only bought it because I hope it will last years.

What a dick, you can't share finances with this kind of difference between you - and your approach is going to stand you in much better stead.

Even if he was a squillionaire, I'd find that kind of flashiness and materialist anxiety deeply unattractive. But draining your money so that he can show off - totally unacceptable.

I often wonder what goes through the minds of people who need to spend to feel better about themself, guess it is self esteem, keeping up with Jones's etc.

I have a friend, known for years, who always had brand new cars 'because I cant be seen in a second hand car in work car park'. She worked in a hospital, not the City! I couldn't tell you my colleagues cars if my life depended on it.

Both her boys had top iPhones and iPads when young teens - she couldn't believe mine (slightly younger) had basic phones and no iPads (at that point, they were just coming out). She told me eldest was having a champagne lifestyle on her in first year at uni - WTF! She has a good job but by no means rich. Needless to say they both got brand new cars when they could drive.

Went out for a meal with her and kids. Youngest, 15, having a tantrum as his iPad wasn't latest, then she told me as we walked out that he was violent to her (She had spilt from their dad when youngest was about 3 and think he was reacting to that). Her DH was a lovely guy, she called him boring!!! I think he just didn't want to keep up with her constant updates on house, always re-decorating etc, wanting to move up ladder or extend, or buy the newest car. Very sad.

Op - you are doing the right thing, you need to be on same page financially, it is one of the most important areas of a relationship. I sometimes think DH is a bit too prudent, but would rather have him that way than a spender!

The kettle issue is ridiculous. IME they rarely last much longer than the guarantee anyway (not that I have ever bought a super expensive one).
Unless you have 6 figure earnings and can accept his spending habits you are right that the relationship may cause you more unhappiness than it's worth, especially eg when your income is lower on maternity leave.
There is an old saying: something about champagne tastes and beer income...........your BF will probably land you in lot of debt in the future.

You can't buy class, darling. Dump this Darren before you go bankrupt.

Get your salary paid into a sole account asap!

Hope it's all gone ok OP

OP are you ok? X

"Now I'm getting adverts for Bugatti kettles! Bit tacky."

It's worse than that here - I'm getting ads for all sorts of orange kettles now, not just Bugatti...

Hope it all goes ok, I couldn't live with someone with those values and insecurities.

Op has gone. I hate it when this happens :(

Hope it went ok OP.

She cant. I need to know who is getting custody of the kettle!

I'm so sorry for the silence over the last few days. Obviously I had all the issues with DP (now ex DP) and then tonnes of problems with my sister who's a complete liability (drug addict, children under SS etc)

Anyway!

Last Tuesday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship for all the reasons I've said in this thread. It was horrendous and messy and sad. He cried, he pleaded, he promised to change etc but I wasn't budging. I was genuinely sad to end the relationship but mentally I'd already moved on and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life (I know it sounds cheesy).

Next day I went to the bank and requested my name off the joint account which ex-P has agreed to (I was quite surprised about this actually). He's querying the savings account but (i) it's in my name (ii) pretty much everything in there is from my salary and (iii) I'm leaving the £2,500-ish in the joint account for him even though most of it is rightly mine. I don't care, I just want to walk away now.

I changed my details with work too and am getting my salary paid to a new account just in my name.

All going quite smoothly...

On Saturday night he got rat arsed with friends and rang me at about 1am being very nasty- calling me a stuck-up bitch, skin flint and generally being offensive about very personal stuff (we didn't have sex for about a year because of some gyn problems which he brought up- apparently he could have shagged anyone he wanted when he wasn't getting it from me but he didn't because he's a good man). After a couple of minutes, I just hung up and turned my phone off. We haven't spoken more than is absolutely necessary since that.

I sent off our notice to quit on Friday so only a month left living together.

We need to have conversations about all the things we own but I thin kit's too early. I'm going to give it this week and then bring it up. He can, of course, have the fucking kettle.