I'm going to end my relationship because DP is flash

[GlitterBallSacks]

I've been with DP for three years. We live together and we're getting to that stage where we're thinking about the future. Aside from plans of marriage, children, houses etc., I feel we're fundamentally incompatible with our approach to money. I don't see how we can live a happy and fulfilled life together without one of us compromising hugely

Basically, DP thinks that because we're both "young professionals" we should live a particular sort of lifestyle involving expensive cars, exotic holidays and big houses. He wants people to think we're very well-off.

I think these things are a waste of money and I don't give a shit if people think we're wealthy or not. For the record, we're not all that well-off (more on this below).

Example: Our kettle broke. I saw one for £32 which would go perfectly in our kitchen. He agreed it'd go well but he wanted a top of the range Bugatti kettle costing £230. It wouldn't look as good as my £32 kettle but he wanted it because the expensive one was more "us"

Another example: We went to a wedding. I looked amazing if I do say so myself in a 60s-style dress. When asked where I got it, I replied honestly that it was £3.50 in the Primark sale. He was annoyed that I'd admitted to people I shop in Primark.

Anyhow, he thinks because we're "young professionals" we should have a particular type of lifestyle. Except, he earns less than half what I do. So when he says he wants us to have this lifestyle, what that really means is for him to enjoy that lifestyle which is coming courtesy of my wages. We have a joint account, that was a mistake. However, if we separate accounts I know he'll just put it all on credit card because he's completely desperate to convince people we're loaded.

We've talked, we've rowed, we've cried. I've realised over the last couple of weeks that he's not going to change but I don't want to be in a relationship where this is an issue. I've grown to see how unattractive it is that he's so desperate to impress and I've struggled to find him attractive enough to have sex with.

He knows something's wrong and I know it'll hurt him massively but I need to get out for my own wellbeing.

I don't know why I'm posting. Hand holding maybe.

I looked at the Bugatti kettle. I looked at the chrome ones and thought they looked quite nice there was a range from 94.99 -199. I couldn't see the difference

Then I read on.... He bought a rusty orange kettle!!!! For£230

I am sorry. He should be banned from buying anything for the house again.

You will have flock wall paper and purple ceilings next.

It is horrendous

Champagne lifestyle on a cider pocket Your relationship cannot work neither can it last, unfortunately

Meanwhile, in Bugatti HQ

Web manager: There's a surprising spike in traffic on our orange Bugatti kettle! Limited demographic analysis suggests that women aged between 28 and 50 are viewing this kettle with remarkable frequency. Sales don't seem to be increasing, though.

CEO: It must be the start of a trend! Let's manufacture some more in other neon shades!

All fur coat and no knickers is a right turn off.

My DH spends like Viv Nicholson on acid but he earns a fortune so I can hardly comment. And he doesn't do it based on how it looks to outsiders. He couldn't give a shit about that.

What does DP say when you discuss it OP?

Can't believe he hasn't now bought the orange Bugatti toaster to match. It's only £154!

lanouvelleheloise I love the idea that's happening. I really hope it is.

We don't need the Bugatti toaster because our top oven does toasting/grilling and I want minimal clutter on my worktops

I've been to the bank and they've said I need to fill in a form to be off the joint account. They then freeze the account and contact the other account holder for them to agree to it.

I'm going to talk to DP tonight and the start the process of splitting, starting with the bank.

We rent our house and we'e on a rolling contract so only need a month's notice. We've got a couple of thousand in the joint account which I'm okay to just walk away from save disputing the joint account. I've also got quite a bit in a really old savings account that I never bothered closing which we've been using to save into. That's in my name (we never bothered changing it) and to be fair, it's all from my wages that's in there anyway- private work I do tends to just go straight into there.

All power to you, OP. You're doing great!

Agree with what PP said, Glitter. Well done dealing with this. It's something which would only become more of a problem with time (especially if you had kids together). And indicates quite a problem with the level of respect he shows you.
Good luck!

Good on you OP. I think you're making the right decision, though it might not be easy.

I hope your ex and his kettle live a long and happy life together.

Right choice op, it's such a deal breaker.
Take care (which I didn't overspend on)

Good on you! You're approaching this so calmly and bravely, and SO maturely. I am really in awe of you.

You're doing the right thing Op, he doesn't sound like a bad guy but just has a really messed up attitude to money (which seems thanks in part to his family) but you can't carry on like this. He needs to sort himself out but I think it's already killed things off for you.

It's never easy to do but sounds like you're making the right choice.

Everyone's having a go at this guy (and rightly so maybe?) but the truth of the matter is there are a lot, LOT of people out there just like this. Come on, how many of us have seen that person who puts their new house, their new car or whatever on Facebook purely because they want everyone to see how well they're doing... and there is something in us all which wants to be seen as having done well, being successful. Hopefully most of us are self-aware enough to not make it too blatant, but lets cut the guy some slack here.

OP you need to get a grip and dump him from your life not just your bank account.

I've no idea why you believe that he doesn't see you as a meal ticket - it's not flattering - but it's better to be honest at this point - than regretful down the line. He could end up getting you into a lot of debt.

Why on earth would he think he was entitled to your money when you're not even married?

This man is simply too immature, insecure and too selfish to consider having children with. He will prioritise appearance of wealth over your children's needs.

Don't waste any more of your life on this. You've seen all you need to know.

I think it's common to secretly think little tiny thoughts deep inside our head like "Oh, this is a nice top, I think I will take a new profile pic for Facebook". With ubiquitous items like Vans (suddenly everywhere!) or Fjallraven backpacks (they spent 5 minutes as a sort of 'hipster' outlier to Herschel and then BOOM, everywhere) there is a sense of 'buying in' to a trend, proclaiming yourself to be 'one' of the group or even just that you read the same magazines as someone else with the same item, or a signal that you like the same things.

But I don't think it's common to give yourself a title and say "we HAVE to do things that OUR GROUP do" and suddenly invent rules and uniforms. That's mental. That's what very small children do ("I have to wear pink because I'm in the Barbie gang") and get bored of it very quickly.

Sadly I do think you are incompatible. Attitudes to money can make or break a relationship so very easily, and you have already noticed that this "is making me fall out of love with him emotionally." So basically, your relationship has already ended , now you're just dealing with the practicalities. How do you plan to tell him?

You are doing really well OP, you sound determined and focussed.

If one person is a saver and one is a spender, or one person is very tidy and the other very messy, then it takes a big sustained effort from both people to keep meeting in the middle for a relationship to ever work.

The fact that he bought the kettle anyway out of the joint account after you being clear that you didnt want it is a big red flag that he is no-where near reaching for that half-way point.

Avon "Hopefully most of us are self-aware enough to not make it too blatant, but lets cut the guy some slack here."

we're not suggesting he have his credit limit reduced. Of course loads of people do this. We're just saying that it's not compatible with OP.

Good luck for tonight OP and I'm sorry it's come to this.

Good luck this evening - it's always a shame to end a relationship when some parts of it are great, but it's clear you've done a lot of thinking about this.

And that toaster is vile; you should definitely be the bigger person and let him keep it. (Take half the joint account though!)

Sadly I think this sensible. You need to meet near the middle for a lot of things such as attitude to money or it'll destroy the relationship further down the line.

Good luck for tonight; I think you've made the right decision

You sound grounded and lovely.
He sounds like an idiot, and I doubt if he'll ever grow out of it.
Sounds like your decision is made. It sounds like you're very much doing the right thing.