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Relationships

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Original poster

Bf said ex is slimmer than me!

140 replies

Grooves · 24/07/2017 10:29

He's said it before and I mentioned him saying it to which his reply was "she is skinnier than you"

I feel like it's a comparison and it's pissed me off! I hate his ex with an absolute passion (lots of drama when we first started dating, she was basically a disrespectful bitch) so for him to say it is like a kick in the teeth. I'd like to add I'm pretty slim, I weigh about 7stone.3 and have a nice tummy, my bmi being 18 (would have my 6 pack back if I went to the gym) but I still feel crap.

Am I being stupid?

OP posts:

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 24/07/2017 11:14

I hate that something so stupid upsets me! I actually waste my time thinking about things I can't change when I know there's more to life.

Well, be ready to be upset a lot because he's found out he can upset you and he will do just that.

I'd just remove myself from this situate, it's not healthy for anyone.

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:17

Not actually food issues, but I don't tend to eat when I'm anxious, and depending how anxious I am, it can go on for a few days.

I do eat, I mainly snack, though.

And with regards to retaliation, I said I didn't think his ex was pretty (I know, immature on my part) and he retaliated with "she's skinnier than you" (this was a year ago) then i mentioned what he'd said and he said "well she is"

OP posts:

Applebloom · 24/07/2017 11:18

Maybe your BF needs to lose more weight
you could do him a favour make his current gf skinnier by just dumping his immature ass! Disappear off out the door then he'd have no need for comparisons between ex and the empty space left behind

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:20

I'm not young, im 27 which is embarrassing. I'm just very inexperienced, this is my first long term relationship where I've actually been a part of someone's life, my first long term relationship was like roommates, we lived together but did our own things.

OP posts:

WonderLime · 24/07/2017 11:28

I said I didn't think his ex was pretty (I know, immature on my part) and he retaliated with "she's skinnier than you" (this was a year ago) then i mentioned what he'd said and he said "well she is"

So this happened a year ago, but you decided to bring it back up again randomly? You need to forget his ex as it kind of sounds like you are obsessing about her. And if she is skinnier than you, than she just is. Would you prefer him to lie about it?

Just as aside - I don't think you should ever declare that an ex isn't pretty - in fact don't make any mention of their looks. Because surely all you are doing is implying he has poor taste and that then extends to you (ignoring the fact that it's incredibly shallow and looks and attraction are subjective anyway).

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:32

It wasn't brought up randomly, we were having an argument and I was being insecure and comparing. And I mentioned that he'd said it and his reply was "she is skinnier than you"

I do appreciate I shouldn't say anything regarding looks. He said his relationship with her was based just on attraction and nothing else.

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 24/07/2017 11:34

He fired back because you are basically making fun out of who he has dated. I don't see anything wrong with what he said, you called somebody you don't know ugly and he pointed out she's skinnier. It's was silly tit for tat!

FizzyGreenWater · 24/07/2017 11:34

Next time he says it you reply:

'Oh don't be so mean! It's not her fault she's a bag of bones. For all you know there could be a medical problem, no need to gloat now that you're with someone who has a better figure'

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:36

Aye, I do appreciate that.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorset · 24/07/2017 11:38

You sound incredibly insecure and quite mean.
You have in effect criticised his choice of girlfriend so he lashed out at you.
You need to start and focus on what matters, not how attractive you perceive someone to be, which incidentally is none of your business.

MirriVan · 24/07/2017 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:41

Since I got with him I've realised I'm insecure, I never used to be like this and I certainly never compared myself to anyone as I knew it was pointless.

I know I shouldn't say anything about looks as in fairness, she is pretty, I was just being a bitch.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:43

I'm not a bad person and I'm not always like this, I just have moments where I feel insecure about things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:46

When I got with my ex I wasn't like this, I was really confident and let confident in the relationship.

But now I'm not and I don't know if it's due to his ex being around at the beginning and it's caused me to lose my confidence.

OP posts:

WonderLime · 24/07/2017 11:50

Projecting your insecurities onto other people is toxic - particularly to yourself. All you end up doing is feeding into your own insecurities.

From what you've said, it might have been an unwise thing for his to say originally (a year ago), but it doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong this time round.

It doesn't matter who you date - someone will have been with them before and they will always be slimmer/taller/more educated/blonder, etc. If you spend your life attacking other people you don't know based on insecurities, you are either going to end up alone or in some very unsavoury relationships where your lack of self esteem will end fuelling each other.

Perhaps a relationship isn't right for you at the moment - especially as you think your insecurity issues have only arisen since this relationship began. You need to have your own emotional maturity before you can grow with another person, and at the moment it sounds like that might be lacking.

timis · 24/07/2017 11:52

If you were confident when you met him and now you're not, it's nothing to do with his ex and everything to do with him. You're just not seeing it.

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 11:56

When we started dating, he told his ex he'd moved on and that she needed to back off! She didn't. Now if that was me, I wouldn't even need to be told, I'd have already gone!

That's why I blame her to an extent as I feel she should have thought "ok, he's dating someone else, I need to let go"

OP posts:

timis · 24/07/2017 12:10

Did you feel that she stood a chance of getting him back?

lanouvelleheloise · 24/07/2017 12:12

This is an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet, because so many women have been trained to compete with other women, but the problem isn't the other woman hovering, the problem is your DP. Other women owe you decency, sure, but that's a lukewarm thing compared to the love and loyalty your DP owes you.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, provided there are clear and stable boundaries in place. It doesn't sound as though there are in this case - but your major issue is with your partner, not this other woman.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 24/07/2017 12:15

Your BMI is 18 (so well into the 'underweight' zone and you're envious of someone for being thinner?

Original poster

Grooves · 24/07/2017 12:16

She's gone now, and has been for a good while, but the damage has already been done.

One thing I do need to point is my insecurity seems to be around my period, I always know when I'm due on as I focus on what's happened in the past.

And I dunno, I dunno if I thought he'd go back! Maybe I did, I'd never had that before so I think I thought the outcome I was anxious about, was gunna happen. Which it didn't.

OP posts:

Tormundsbrow · 24/07/2017 12:19

Get a pie lass!

There's always someone thinner, prettier, richer, funnier etc..

timis · 24/07/2017 12:21

Did he do everything possible to reassure you that he wanted to be with you and only you? His "Skinnier than you" remark doesn't sound like it, It's something he obviously knew would upset you.

lanouvelleheloise · 24/07/2017 12:22

You sound really insecure. I don't mean that as a criticism. Sometimes an abusive relationship or a history of it can make someone feel that way. But it's not healthy to be this concerned about a throw-away remark in the heat of argument, nor to be so fixated on wrongs in the past.

I suspect that, whatever the rights and wrongs of your DP's behaviour, you'd benefit from some work on your self-esteem. It may be that this is the foundation for ending the relationship, or for taking it to another level of commitment, I'm not sure which. But dwelling on what seem to be fairly minor past wrongs to this extent feels like a waste of your talents and energy.

NinonDeLenclos · 24/07/2017 12:29

I want you back" ringing all the time, messages about what I had that she didn't

Why would he do that?

Sounds like he has a habit of comparing women - telling her what you have that she didn't - telling you his ex was 'skinnier' than you.

Have you ever considered that he's a knob? And that if he made you feel loved and secure, you wouldn't be worrying about his ex?

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