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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anonymous message

179 replies

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:20

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

OP posts:
Whattheactualfu · 18/07/2017 23:34

I think I know the sort of system that sends those kind of texts. You should be able to reply.

I hate to make you worry, but I'm wondering if this person has told you because there's a lovechild involved??

provider5sectorzz9 · 18/07/2017 23:37

He's saying he's going to ask the hotel for CCTV to prove it to me
this is bullshit of course...the idea that he can prove anything

Changedname3456 · 19/07/2017 01:23

OP - did you mention that it was three years ago or just told him "I know" and didn't get any more specific than that?

I agree cctv isn't going to exist, and nor would it prove much unless he'd been stupid enough to get all touchy feely in a public area that happened to be covered by a camera - unlikely.

You don't have a lot of evidence here. I think it's fair enough to end the marriage if you don't love him anymore, but I don't think you're being fair in battering him with a two sentence text message or trying to use it to justify what, deep down, I suspect you want to do anyway.

Isetan · 19/07/2017 06:50

Take a very big step back because this is pointless. He isn't going to admit anything and you can't prove anything. The only thing this charade is guaranteed to do, is to make everyone in your family miserable.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 19/07/2017 07:42

Who is really going to say to their friend "yes i think he would cheat".

Even i was asked outright i would not say yes to that.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 19/07/2017 07:57

You've had a few people who have gave examples of malicious communications sent too them.

It does happen.

Before DH & I got together he had a FWB. They had both agreed to nothing more. DH ended things and we met a few months later. I started receiving bizarre anon messages on Facebook and phone. Obviously couldn't respond because the account would block a response.

The dates they claimed he was either with me, at fanily functions (funeral) in another country or we wasn't together.
She finally messaged of her account one night saying how he is bastard who will use me and doesn't care about me. I'm that gullible because he was currently sleeping in her bed after a massive sex session.

She must of felt a twat when I sent a picture back of me and DH together at the very moment. She stopped the messages after that.

In her case it was just shit luck all the dates she sent he was definitely other places.

I think it's clever they chose 3 years ago. How many people have proof of what they did 3 years ago?
Was you a bit on edge with that works night out anyway?

It's not hard too get a person's phone number.
I don't really see any proof of him being a cheater apart from you've found texts that you view as flirty.

wonderlashes · 19/07/2017 08:24

What CookieMonster said with bells on!

LittleNickola · 19/07/2017 09:47

He's really upset today. He is devastated that I think he cheated, adamant that he didn't and actually not fixated on who has told me (which I guess he might be if he were guilty?).... my instincts are telling me that he is telling the truth and I actually feel quite cruel as he didn't sleep last night.
He's offering to do anything/ try anything to prove it to me, although we both know that's not going to be possible.
So now my thoughts are turning to who would do this to us maliciously. He's found a list of everyone who was there that night which he's shown to me, and there's one girl on the list who is a known troublemaker (I used to know her personally as I also worked in the same industry 10 years ago). She was a big drinker and there were always rumours about her - she was the sort of girl who was always friends with the men and not the women! I hadn't realised she was there that night. She could have done this, and she'd have my number from years ago. Although why she'd want to do this is beyond me. I haven't voiced my suspicions to my husband.
Thanks to all who helped me with this.

OP posts:
onlyhumanafterall · 19/07/2017 09:59

I do understand what you're saying but if I was confronted in the same situation and was lying, I think I would do what your husband is doing ie act completely confused and incredulous.

That's the best way of getting away with it.

Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 10:03

If the message was a lie designed to cause harm the sender must have had some motive, some reason to pick you rather than someone else?

LoveDeathPrizes · 19/07/2017 10:05

Each to their own but if I were accused of this I'd want to know exactly who it was.

I do hope it's innocent though, OP. Lots of luck.

LoveDeathPrizes · 19/07/2017 10:09

I actually can't think of any reason why he wouldn't want to delve into that apart from the fear of digging a hole that he can't get out of.

Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 10:30

If I was in the husband's shoes I would be very concerned about who was spreading malicious lies about me

user1486956786 · 19/07/2017 10:31

Could she not have been the one who he cheated with that night?!?

user1486956786 · 19/07/2017 10:32

And if someone lied and told my DH that I cheated on him I would demand to know who they were and confront them and probably punch them in the face

Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 10:37

Imo an innocent man would be focused much more on who could have sent the message
A guilty man wouldn't want you to find the sender because that would open a very unpleasant can of worms

LittleNickola · 19/07/2017 10:40

But I haven't told him how I "know" so he doesn't even know what to respond to...

OP posts:
Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 10:48

If the message is true that's obviously serious
if a lie then the fact that someone has a motive to stir up this kind of trouble is also alarming

Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 10:53

He may well be doing his own investigations trying to find out who might have contacted you, he'll know it's possible someone could have given you information...false or not

thethoughtfox · 19/07/2017 11:06

Be careful. Him talking about asking the hotel for CCTV proof is deliberately misleading you; no place saves 3 years of CCTV. He knows he can't provide this but it makes him sound plausible. That, to me, makes him seem more suspicious.

Rinkydink2 · 19/07/2017 11:11

Agree about the cctv, he's constructing a narrative in which there is a way to prove his innocence
Or he was so confused that he just said the first thing that popped into his mind ?

hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2017 11:19

Well the response is promising.
Most people, when caught, tend to get angry and defensive and accuse their partner of being paranoid etc....
This is YOU and YOUR life.
You need to make the call and do what is best for you and your family.
It's easy to get caught up in the drama on here.
But think it through for yourself... Then take it from there.

If you do want to stay and make this work, I think you need to try to 'get some feelings' back for each other.
Couples counselling or sex therapy might help you.
Try to get back some of what brought you together in the first place.

HarmlessChap · 19/07/2017 11:26

If I was in the husband's shoes I would be very concerned about who was spreading malicious lies about me
So would I but my first priority would be to try and reasured my DW that it was without foundation.

CookieMonster54 · 19/07/2017 11:49

"Be careful. Him talking about asking the hotel for CCTV proof is deliberately misleading you; no place saves 3 years of CCTV. He knows he can't provide this but it makes him sound plausible. That, to me, makes him seem more suspicious."

This is a prime example of some of the frankly awful commentary and advice on this thread. What would you do, if your partner walked in one day and accused you of cheating on a specific date three years ago, if you were innocent of the charge?

I suspect you'd be frantic. I suspect you'd instinctively know that there's basically almost no way to prove you didn't. I suspect you'd look for the first thing you could think of, in a panic, and grasp at that - in this case CCTV.

Your husband is not and should not be on trial here. He has done nothing wrong. You have no evidence that he has done anything wrong except the anonymous word of someone who has set out to cause him and you pain.

On the basis of the terrible advice you have been given by some people on this thread, you have accused him, and you haven't even done him the courtesy of telling him why, or what, you suspect. He is now supposed to prove a negative which, unless he videotapes his every move and stores it all for three years, he cannot.

Can't you see that you have put him, and you, into a no-win situation? Can't you see that whoever sent you that message is sitting back and laughing at the hurt they have caused you both? And here you are listening to an army of Sherlock Holmes wannabes telling you to put your husband on what is in essence a show trial for their own entertainment.

You started off in this thread as the victim of a horrible and nasty thing. You are now doing a horrible and nasty thing to your husband and you should stop.

LittleNickola · 19/07/2017 11:53

There's apparently a rule of thumb that 9 out of 10 people, when faced with an accusation, will question the actual event rather than the evidence IF they're innocent. If they're guilty, apparently 9 out of 10 people will question the evidence. In other words, being fixated on the source of the information would be a better indication of a liar - i.e. They would be more concerned about discrediting the source than actually saying "I didn't do xyz." So personally I find it reassuring that he's been so adamant of his innocence.
And he has remained in a very dejected, devastated state - not angry, not turning it back on me and not making counter accusations.
I've shown him the message now, but I've said it's not the only one. I am beginning to feel really bad for lying. He's perplexed. I asked if the disgruntled colleague could have sent it (I thought he'd jump on it if guilty?!) but he said he can't imagine a single person who would send that message. He said it's obviously someone who hates him, but it's genuinely beyond him who could feel like that.

OP posts: