Anonymous message

[LittleNickola]

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

I know and I would think the same of anyone else... but when kids are involved, it needs to be really bad to tear their lives apart doesn't it?!

OP, I know it's hard to think about but you mentioned your friend who it sounds like you spoke to about concerns but said she trusted him to be faithful to you. Have they been close at all?

Or, alternatively, has your DH been happy in your marriage recently? Could it be from him and he's wanting you to pull the plug?

I don't blame you for not loving him. He sounds like an ongoing cheater.
You just cant love one of those as they're not genuine.

I think you should leave because you don't love him and not because of the message.

I'd be really annoyed if my DH got such a message and believed it. I remember once someone left a message on our home answerphone, saying he was with me the previous night.

Absolute nonsense and because I wasn't at home that previous night, my DH was unsure. It pissed me off, because I had a month old baby at the time as well.

It's not my friend, I know that for sure. She doesn't live in the same country!
And it's interesting that you've used the phrase 'not genuine' - he's pretty much a sociopath who turns on the charm for everyone most of the time, but is being completely false.
I haven't slept much since receiving the message and I think it's making me very bleak about everything.

If you dont love him and you will be fine financially then you will be fine. It's just adjusting to change. Your kids will be fine largely because you will be better than fine and they'll sense it.

He has been unfaithful the evidence is there. No one would make that up. It's either a colleague who has had enough covering your husband, a close friend or the OW. They have used that date as they know it is fact and you know he was away.
You also don't trust him - don't blame you there.
He gas lights you.
Has he also told you that you are depressed and need to see the GP for ADs?

Good luck you are in a very strong position. It is your choice what you do now.

I'm going to speak to him tonight so I will update to let everyone know what happens. I'm simply going to state that I know about that night, that I need him to tell me why (I think this will work better than asking what happened, as I need to make out that I know everything and then let him speak), and that I've already decided not to blow up our family. If I talk in a threatening way, he will deny it all. But if I make out that I've forgiven him and I can move on, he might talk.

Hmm. I once had a woman who I was investigating for gross misconduct call my H and tell him I was banging someone at work. Team manager numbers and next of kin contact details were left on the section managers' desk, so not difficult to get. It does happen.

But do you want to move on with him Nickola?

If you don't love or trust him Nikola wouldn't it be better long term to end things and in time find someone you do love? I can't imagine a loveless marriage is much fun for you :( You wouldn't be faced with the financial instability like other wives so you'll already be starting out on a good first step? Good luck with your chat tonight

I'm with you. Make out like it's cool for as long as you can. Stay calm. Be cool. He really will give more away.

Has it occurred to you that the person who sent you this message knows your h was away on the date they said and where? Sorry but could be true

I've talked to him tonight. He's completely and utterly perplexed. He just stared at me for ages, asked repeatedly what I'm talking about and then said "I didn't do anything!!" over and over again. He's saying he's going to ask the hotel for CCTV to prove it to me. Meanwhile I haven't shown him the messages and won't tell him how or what I know - just that "I know what happened".
He seems so confused. Not really sure what to make of it.

I very much doubt the hotel will have cctv footage three years on.

What's your gut feeling? I hate that term.

Did you feel he was genuine OP? Can you usually tell if he lies?
I have to say my bf reacted in the same way and he was telling the truth.

Dont say anything about the message at all.

To just say to him I know what happened is harsh. You don't.

Everyone knows CCTV doesn't last for three years. That's a cop out.

I think the people telling you not to share the message with your husband are being ridiculous. Let's face it: Just as there is no way for you to prove what he did or didn't do three years ago, equally there is no way for him to prove his innocence. The hotel won't have CCTV, and if they did, they're not likely to hand it over anyway.

The person who sent this vicious and nasty message is the villain here, and the intent of it is to split you up and hurt your marriage.

You know there is a person who worked with your husband who has a grievance against him. You know that that person would probably know his movements on work trips. The fact that a date three years ago is being mentioned is not a co-incidence. It's just long enough gone to stir doubts without ever being provable.

You have no evidence against your husband. You have the opinion of a good friend who says she thinks he'd never stray. You have nothing other than a malicious text message sent to you to provoke this exact reaction.

The best and smartest thing you could do is tell your husband, and to ignore the contents of the message.

You have no basis or evidence to do anything else. From what you say, his was not the reaction of a guilty man. Think for a moment what he is going through right now if he is innocent. Think of the distress that is being caused. Imagine if he came in home this evening and did the same thing to you and you were here posting a thread called "husband accused me of cheating out of the blue".

You are letting a third party damage your marriage and it is insane and the people here advising you to continue doing this are mad.

Unless he admits it, you won't get anywhere with this. You've tried to call his bluff by saying "you know what happened" but he is clearly going to firmly deny it. If its true and he did cheat on you, he probably knows there is no evidence of this that would prove it happened, so he will deny it until the cows come home . If its not true, then his confused reaction is genuine.
The texter has to be someone from his work. Its either the OW he 'did or didn't' sleep with or someone who wants to hurt him. Who knows how they got your number.
I know of a guy I work with who slept with another girl in the office (in a pub toilet!!) at the Xmas night out last year. Because I was on the night out, I will always remember it and the date. If I hated him that much I'm sure I could get hold of his wife's number somehow. I wouldn't do that of course, but lots of people would.

What cookiemonster54 said

he's pretty much a sociopath who turns on the charm for everyone most of the time, but is being completely false
He's an accomplished liar who feels no remorse about saying whatever will further his own interests so I don't think the 'not the actions of a guilty man' theory has much weight here

cctv? thats a bit much and it wouldnt prov anything anyway if it missd certain areas

peoplecan lie convincingly i know i can(not not about cheating)