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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anonymous message

179 replies

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:20

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

OP posts:
JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 17/07/2017 23:09

it doesn't matter if your best friend trusts him. She isn't the one married to him. How likely is it that a random jealous woman would correctly know a date he was away from home and staying I hotel three years ago? If someone was going to be malicious and make lies up about having sex with him, it would make more sense to claim its more recently.

The woman's intuition comment could be because your husband told the message sender three years you were suspicious of him. It could have been said by him to a woman he's cheated with, or a mate he's confided in, it could also be a friend of yours who've you've mentioned. Not trusting your husband to who's discovered something and wants to let you know.

You don't sound happy at all Flowers

MikeUniformMike · 17/07/2017 23:09

Can't you phone or text back?
It is someone who knows your number.

TattyCat · 17/07/2017 23:09

And I seriously dislike people who would send something anonymously. It stinks. If you are going to tell the truth then at least be up front about it because you have nothing to hide.

I wouldn't believe this, personally. It has to be someone quite horrible to do this.

ChipsForSupper · 17/07/2017 23:12

What a horrible horrible thing for someone to do to you after all this time. So, not only is he cheating but he is cheating with or, at they very least, associating with, some really nasty, malicious types.

Is this the sort of person who you want to spend the rest of your life with and who you can truly love and respect? I think that's the question you need to ask yourself rather than the technical question of did he actually cheat on the night in question.

Don't do anything in haste but resolve to spend some time over the next few weeks thinking about what you really want and expect from this marriage.

MrsJBaptiste · 17/07/2017 23:13

If this is true (and you dont know for sure that it is yet) do you think there may be a child involved? You've been sent the message which will give you time to think about it and raise it with your OH before you're then told that there's a 2 year old on the scene?

Sorry OP, it's all so crap.

OohMavis · 17/07/2017 23:14

My bet? It's the OW. Perhaps they've broken up.

I'd do some digging.

TattyCat · 17/07/2017 23:16

Many years ago, someone told a colleague's wife that he and I had slept together during a work night out. It wasn't true. They had fallen out with him (he was their boss) and they wanted to hurt him. We hadn't even flirted and I certainly didn't fancy him! They just made it up to damage him and picked someone young and fairly attractive/popular to make the lie more 'plausible' (I had met her once). It caused him no end of trouble and I would have loved to have had a conversation with his wife to put her mind at ease but I couldn't because she unfortunately believed them. Happily, they are still together, but that must have been incredibly damaging and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

RainbowAura · 17/07/2017 23:18

Good advice from ChipsForSupper

Serahpalin45 · 17/07/2017 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 17/07/2017 23:20

I'm wondering if the person he fell out with at work might meet for a coffee. I suspect they would be able to tell you more. My first reaction was maybe your husband got too close to a female friend of his/wife or perhaps feels bad for you at home with the kids if he has witnessed his behaviour at work do's or something.

Is there any way you would be able to message them for a chat?

Dibbles1967 · 17/07/2017 23:20

What a terrible predicament for you. Flowers

You said you had checked & he was away on that date three years ago - assuming it was a work thing?

That might indicate it came from someone AT work who knew those facts would add up.

Do what a PP poster said - get your finances in order just in case, but then show him thee message. The accused should have an opportunity to respond?

Sounds totally malicious to me - no suggestion of an ongoing affair.

Can your relationship survive his behaviour, even if he didn't do the dirty. Flirting with other women to the extent that you get to know about it is wholly disrespectful. The DC would undoubtedly pick up on your change in behaviour towards each other.

TattyCat · 17/07/2017 23:21

Bit spammy Serahpalin45?

dontpokethebear · 17/07/2017 23:24

Agree with justhadmyhaircut. Sit tight for now.

SparklyMagpie · 17/07/2017 23:32

Ok i'm going to say it....

Could it not be your friend? She'd have your number,knows your husband...

Just a thought

It's got to be someone close enough to have your number

MikeUniformMike · 17/07/2017 23:39

It may be a malicious person who has a grudge against you or fancies your husband.
Whatever it is, you don't have any evidence that your husband has been unfaithful.
It doesn't look too hopeful but there may be a chance that he is innocent.
Whatever happened, the text is horrible.

Goodasgoldilox · 17/07/2017 23:40

If someone wanted to make trouble for a flirty married guy - this would be the way to do it.

They would need to know of at least one night (preferably a while ago) when he stayed away from home. (So someone at work when this trip took place.)

They would need to have had access to your husband's phone - or to have seen it when it had your number on screen. Again - most likely someone at work or at a hobby or a night out or with him on a trip away from home.

The 'woman's intuition' bit could be from man or woman - so isn't very helpful.

The most damning thing here is that you so instantly thought it to be true. This suggests that there is more to it than just some outsider's mean plan.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/07/2017 23:44

The man he's fallen out with may have simply made it up to give your H more stress.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/07/2017 23:46

Your friend's opinion may be right and he's just flirty - a pain but mostly harmless!

notangelinajolie · 17/07/2017 23:52

I would text back and ask for a name.

GabsAlot · 18/07/2017 00:02

so someone that wa maybe with your dh three years ago has sent a txt sayng hes cheat and hes having trouble at work?

cold be some sort of made up revenge thing

but then again your first instinct was to believe it

user1486956786 · 18/07/2017 00:07
  1. Research yourself on the internet. Is there any way someone could find your number? Or could you be his nex of kin at work and they have your number.
  1. It sounds very likely to be a woman. Could be the wife of the man at work? Could it be your friend desperate to tell you unable to keep it quiet any longer? Any other women you can think of through him who could have access to your number?
  1. Does your DH think you can be paranoid or insecure? Could he have told someone at work this (woman's intuition comment).
  1. Any women you've been suspicious of around that time at work?

For them to know the date and to send that they were either there that night, are the potential woman involved or know someone who was.

I think it is so so scummy to send a message like this. They are trying to spite your husband, they aren't doing it out of care for you.

MikeUniformMike · 18/07/2017 00:08

If I received a text like that I'd be so shocked that I would believe it too. DP (who I trust) is outgoing and friendly and stays away with work.
It would probably be quite easy to find my number.

Chances are it's a troublemaker.

OP, if he had to your DH would cope,

SandyY2K · 18/07/2017 00:25

The work colleague could have found your number. He could have known your husband was away on business at the time.

Some people are very spiteful and

AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2017 00:28

Depending on exactly how the message was worded......by any chance have you recently expressed a concern to anyone that you have doubts about his faithfulness. That could account for the 'women's intuition is always right' comment. This 'someone' has known for a while that he had cheated and never told you. You expressed doubts about him. That person then decided that since you were doubting him, they would 'pass on' this old piece of info.

An anonymous message using the phrase 'women's intuition' doesn't strike me as being from a man (the coworker). And the sender having your phone number strikes me as it being from either someone you know or someone who knows you through your DH (one of DH's friend's wives perhaps?).

When you say 'app' you mean one of the one's that will disguise or change someone's phone number? That also strikes me as being someone who not only doesn't want you to know who they are, they don't want your DH knowing who they are. A dumped OW probably wouldn't care.

LucieLucie · 18/07/2017 00:29

I bet my two front teeth on it being your best friend.

She knows you have doubts about him yet defended him as just being flirty. Very odd.

Ask to see her search history.