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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anonymous message

179 replies

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:20

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

OP posts:
BewareTheUndertoad · 18/07/2017 00:32

Hotel staff would have information. Just wondering if it might be someone who worked at the hotel doing it out of spite or if something might have happened there.

When someone leaves a job they sometimes do odd things, it happened to us once, different circumstances but it was a revenge thing we think as we had been dealing with the person that left or was sacked, we never knew what happened.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/07/2017 00:45

It'll be your friend. Who else would have your number?

Compare the message to the texts your friend normally sends - are they similar in terms of grammar/punctuation/shorthand text speak?

BubblingUp · 18/07/2017 00:45

Could your DH have sent it because he wants you to know for some reason?

MrsLupo · 18/07/2017 01:34

Very perceptive, the posters who are looking at your best friend.

Rhubarbtart9 · 18/07/2017 02:13

I think you should respond with your bed friends name.

'He was away that night. Can you give more details please'

Then quickly

'Deborah?'

yourerubberimglue · 18/07/2017 04:33

Can you access his email and message the hotel asking for confirmation of booking?

user1500351239 · 18/07/2017 05:28

Once a cheater always a cheater .... and during the past few years I've decided that most ( all) men are cheating pigs .... I'm sort this is happening to you but if you don't trust him then he is probably cheating.....I've caught my husband on several occasions talking -texting-and I'm still with him... I'm a woman with pain and anger in me but the thing I hate the most is that with all this I have become an an trusting person.. I used to be the person that trusted everyone and now I trust no one.... some advice " what u don't know won't hurt u...." and " curiosity killed the cat" I looked in to my husband so much and found out so much that it kills me every day just thinking about it... so unless u plan on taking action ... I don't recommend digging ❤️❤️😓😓😓

123MothergotafleA · 18/07/2017 05:29

.

user1500351239 · 18/07/2017 05:29

And a woman's instinct is 99.9 % right

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 18/07/2017 05:52

It could be true, or it could be someone shit stirring.
When DH and I first started living together, I got an anonymous text on a night he was working away.
It said something along the lines of 'you can't trust DH, and you never will. Ask him where he is and who he's with right now'

Not hugely damning, but not nice. I sent a text asking if he was ok/what was going on, and when I showed him the text after he was back he got more upset than I was about it.

Weeks later we found out it was an ex of mine who had seen him on the train, heard him talking about me and realised who he was - then spotted a suitcase and decided to try and break us up that evening. I found this out when I next saw the ex and he tried it on, assuming I'd ended things.

Your husband's ex colleague could be aware of a night he was away and could have got your number from a variety of places - Facebook or other social media, possibly he even went into your DH's phone or emergency contact records at some point.

I'd tell your DH and see how he reacts but I would want more 'evidence' than this

user1494187262 · 18/07/2017 06:09

I suspect it's the OWe husband.
He knew but something has happened in their relationship, hence the delay.

SleightOfHand · 18/07/2017 06:24

Seems odd that you've got this message after so many years, could be the disgruntled colleague.

nollaig16 · 18/07/2017 06:34

Why did he fall out with the man at work? Do you know the whole truth about it? Maybe your dh slept with his gf.

Smidge001 · 18/07/2017 06:44

Really don't understand the people here saying it must be someone who knows your number. The OW would have access to your DH's phone all the time. So would work colleagues often enough. They'd only need to get hold of the phone once before the lock sets in to have a look through his contacts and take a note of your number.

Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 06:52

Thanks so much for replies.
It isn't my best friend. She lives in another country and doesn't have access to his work diary!! She wouldn't have a clue where he'd been and when, let alone 3 years ago. This has definitely come from someone who was there, or who knew about it. The work night in question was a trip to the theatre and a big group of them went. So it could be someone who was there, a wife of someone who was there and wants to help me (?), the malicious colleague, or the other woman!

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 18/07/2017 06:53

It says a lot that you receive this message and you are already talking about eow access with the children etc. You don't trust him OP. Its almost irrelevant if he slept with someone then or not, the big question is do you want to spend the rest of your life being suspicious and untrusting of your husband?

Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 06:58

I should add... the disgruntled colleague wasn't there on the work night out. But I guess he would have known about it. But why would it spring to mind from so long ago? Wouldn't he just say "your husband is having an affair with someone at work" if he wanted to cause trouble?

OP posts:
stumblymonkeyagain · 18/07/2017 07:01

I'm sorry but I'm pretty certain this is true.

If it was a shit stirrer it's highly unlikely they'd remember a date from three years ago that your DH happened to be in a hotel.

Why would they remember a random occurrence like that from three years ago?

I'm fairly sure it will be the OW. She will know the date because it's stuck in her mind that something happened that night.

Either it was a one off/brief affair and she's been sitting with it in terms of 'do I tell or not' since then and finally decided to say something OR it has recently ended or she would like to end your relationship.

I would try responding and asking for verifiable details...though these apps may or may not route your response back to 'her'.

Otherwise this would be enough for me to have a look on DH's phone/laptop/bank statements to see if I can find anything. Obviously after 3 years this is less likely...

Chops2016 · 18/07/2017 07:15

I should add... the disgruntled colleague wasn't there on the work night out. But I guess he would have known about it. But why would it spring to mind from so long ago? Wouldn't he just say "your husband is having an affair with someone at work" if he wanted to cause trouble?

Because it makes the accusation sound more plausible doesn't it. If the message hadn't mentioned a date it would have had a lot less clout, and would have been more easily discarded as somebody just shit stirring.

If I were you I would be heavily suspecting the disgruntled colleague. What position is he at work in relation to your husband? Is he his senior? Does he work in admin? Could he easily access documents with details of next of kin to get your phone number? Do you have any mutual friends at his work? Is your phone number on Facebook?

Sorry to bombard you with questions 😶

onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 07:16

I would say it was true as well. Someone has been waiting a long time to tell you.

onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 07:18

It could be the ow but on a works night out other colleagues may well have known. I have seen a lot of workplace affairs over the years and they are common knowledge even though I am sure the couple thinks they are being discreet.

thegirlupnorth · 18/07/2017 07:22

It must be true and I would confront him. You'll know by his response if he did.

Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 07:26

The ex colleague was junior. He resigned just last week, and has raised my DH's name with HR... DH needs to have a meeting with them but it seems that he's saying DH was unfair to him. It got pretty bad at work before he resigned. DH doesn't discuss much work stuff with me, but he was telling me how frustrated he felt.
I can't think how he would get my number though. It's not an admin position and he wouldn't see next of kin forms easily... perhaps it's all saved in a file somewhere, I'm not sure.
I doubted DH straight away, but we'd had an argument that very evening so I was already thinking negatively (not about trust issues though).
Yes, DH has described me as paranoid in the past and could have mentioned this to friends/ colleagues. However, I've also had reason to be paranoid as I've found texts on his phone that were flirty and which overstepped a mark, in my opinion. Complimenting other girls that he knows through work, talking about meeting them for drinks etc (although nothing that referred to actually having met them - therefore never evidence of cheating).
I checked his phone last night and there was nothing incriminating.

OP posts:
onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 07:33

I would say it is probably the ow but also that colleagues generally don't approve of workplace affairs. I hated it when it affected my workload which on more than one occasion It did.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/07/2017 07:40

The women's intuition comment suggests it's someone who knows you don't trust him and wants to tell you that you're right.

Unless he has a very old phone; your number won't show up, just your name unless someone knows his password to look in his phone book.

Ergo I'd be discounting the colleague and presuming it's someone who knows you.

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