Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anonymous message

179 replies

LittleNickola · 17/07/2017 22:20

I received an anonymous text at 11pm last night, which seems to have been sent from an app (I don't think it's possible to send a reply). It tells me a date, and says that my husband slept with someone in a hotel that night while he was away from home. I've checked the date (which was 3 years ago!!) and he was indeed away that night.
I feel sick. I've always felt that he's untrustworthy and he has form for sending inappropriate flirty messages to colleagues that I've discovered, but I've never had hard evidence of actual cheating.
I need advice on what to do next... would you trust this message?! Could it be malicious? Why tell me after 3 years?? And how can I get my husband to tell the truth. He'll simply deny it if I show him....

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 08:08

I just don't know what to think. I need to ask him but I don't want to show my hand... im trying to think of the best strategy for getting him to admit something (if there's something to admit)

OP posts:
Hellothereitsme · 18/07/2017 08:13

I don't think it is a trouble maker. Why?

I reckon he has been having an affair at work. A colleague has had enough seeing it evolve and has texted you.

My Ex H had an affair. Least Lukey person to do it ( don't we all say that!!).

My children are fine. Infact more than fine. We are all amicable and eventually you get to view the child free time as your recovery time from being a single parent 90% of the time.

user1486956786 · 18/07/2017 08:14

The person who messaged you obviously is trying to get at your DH. So i suggest you text the messager saying something along the lines of you won't believe it without being more info , how ridiculous etc.

I can only think if they know it isn't rocking the boat they will give more info to rock the boat?

user1486956786 · 18/07/2017 08:16

i don't think an affair, I think probably a one night stand and General flirt

user1465893880 · 18/07/2017 08:20

To be honest, do nothing unless you've looking for a valid reason to end things.

An anonymous third party had interfered in your life without the honesty of revealing themselves. Irrespective of whether there is truth in what they said it doesn't look like they are doing it for your benefit. It's malicious. They want to cause harm.

I wouldn't let a malicious act guide my actions. I'd ignore it.

mohuzivajehi · 18/07/2017 08:21

There's a legal phrase I know only from detective fiction cui bono? - "who benefits?" - a useful tool for considering who might have done something. A scorned or angry person might do this for revenge, true. Also a woman who is sick of being told that no he won't leave his wife for her, trying to instigate a crisis. Maybe the woman he was with that night has been told over and over again that the night in question was a mistake, he may enjoy flirting but he loves his wife and that it can never happen again - yet she has still held out hope for 3 years and doesn't want to wait any more.

RockyBird · 18/07/2017 08:34

Flirty texts speaking about meeting women for drinks?

That's way over the line. I think you're not paranoid and completely right not to trust his arse.

demirose87 · 18/07/2017 09:10

I wouldn't be able not to ask. You will be able to tell from his reaction if he's being honest or not.

Emboo19 · 18/07/2017 09:27

Having received messages myself although not anonymous, which were untrue I'm inclined to think it's someone causing trouble. That said my initial thought was that my bf hadn't done it.

I'd have to (and did) ask, actually wish I'd done so as soon as I got it really.
You don't have a name so just bluff him a bit, tell him you know what went on on that trip and you're giving him one chance to be completely honest about it all and then there's a chance you'll be able to move on from it. Make out you know more than you do and if he asks just say you know everything, but you want to hear it from him.

When I asked my Bf, he looked honestly confused, but there was no getting angry with me. He just wanted to prove it was bullshit, handed his phone straight to me, gave me log ins to all social media.

If it's true it sounds like a one night thing though, otherwise why not give more dates? Certainly more recent ones if it was still or up until recently still going on.

RockyBird · 18/07/2017 09:32

I received an anonymous email about my ex. The person sending obviously didn't realise I'd dumped his sorry arse months earlier. I imagine he was stringing her along.

It bothered me a lot less because I'd already binned him but the fact someone was invested enough to send me a message anonymously was disconcerting.

Because it was three years ago you'll not get the truth unless he confesses. It could be a wind up. Unless there are further messages you won't know.

I think asking your DH and gauging his reaction is the way forward.

Figaro2017 · 18/07/2017 09:33

There's only one question really. Do you want to be in the marriage or not?

The rest is all tittle tattle.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 09:33

I would say to him (this is obv just my opinion)

"I had a visit from someone today, had a sit down with this person and they told me exactly what happened the night 3 years ago you went to the theatre.

Now as it was 3 years ago and we have two kids im not going to finish our marriage over this one thing, but!! im gonna give you one chance to tell me your side, and if it doesn't match this persons then your out on your ass mate"

Maybe something like that?

RockyBird · 18/07/2017 09:33

If it is a disgruntled ex colleague, your DH needs to know.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 09:34

However OP, I do think it may be just a disgruntled colleague that knew he was away that night and wanted to put an element of doubt in your mind .. to screw him over. Without proof I would maybe take this with a pinch of salt.

Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 10:06

So it's either the ex colleague or the OW. That's what most people seem to think. It isn't just a random person as they wouldn't have chosen a precise date when he was indeed away from home (which hardly ever happens, by the way).
If it's the ex colleague, the fact remains that he wouldn't have been able to get hold of my number very easily. I also find the women's intuition comment really odd, coming from a man. Finally, I don't know why he'd personally remember that this particular night out happened, when it was so long ago.... unless he knows that DH cheated that night. If it was an innocent night out, I don't think it would have been the first night to occur to him. So I think it's likely that DH did cheat, if it's him.

If it's the other woman who sent the text.... it's also likely that something actually happened, and that she's now feeling annoyed to be sitting on a secret after so long with no further attention from him/ perhaps the flirting has stopped. It's just too weird to make something up from years ago!! Or perhaps she's crazy, nothing has actually happened but she has always liked him, and has decided to try and break up his marriage. But I think it's the least likely explanation??

So, whether it's the disgruntled colleague or another woman, I can't see how the actual infidelity itself is made up. It strikes me as too weird to lie about.
If anyone feels strongly that I could be wrong I'd really appreciate being told... my instincts have been wrong about some things in the past and right about others!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleNickola · 18/07/2017 10:09

Anyway, I am going to ask him about it tonight. I'm going to take advice given here and tell him that someone has told me about that night (I won't give details), but that I want to hear his side of the story.

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 18/07/2017 10:14

I think the "women's intuition" comment speaks volumes. It's someone who knows that you've had issues with trust - probably the recipient of the texts you talked about. And probably also the woman he slept with.

Could he have been paying her off until now? Something else to keep her sweet? Maybe the male colleague knew it had happened (was it a work weekend?) and decided to drop him in it now?

mickyblueyes · 18/07/2017 10:17

DH has described me as paranoid - Sounds like he's gas-lighting you. Making you out to be crazy, you've seen those inappropriate and flirty text message with your own eyes.

I believe it's something to do with cognitive dissonance (Head v Heart), Your conscious (Head) has seen these messages, logically you know they are wrong, they crossed a boundary and has made you suspicious. Your heart is telling you that if he is cheating this will tear your marriage and family apart, so you go into a sort of denial mode.

Maybe this is what the texter is referring to when advising that you need to trust your intuition?

  • But how do they know you are doubting your husband fidelity? could it be someone closer that you think who you may have mentioned something to?
  • The fact that this person remembers the event that happened 3 years ago. It seems to me that this event must have been quite a memorable one for them to remember the exact day 3 years later. Could the texter be this woman?
  • Does your husband make a habit of pissing people off?

I really feel for you OP, I've been through something very similar. OH dismissing text messages, as "Nothing", "Just a bit of fun, a laugh", everyone does it". I didn't find it very funny and I didn't do it. In the end my worst fears came true and hope this isn't the case for you. Turns out that other people knew about my ex's affair (Including her own brother) and wanted to tell me but didn't know how to.

I'm not sure what to tell you to do, but your head will tell you if something isn't quite right here. You might need to do a bit more digging to discover whats really happening here.

rizlett · 18/07/2017 10:17

Maybe it is the work colleague - and that's why they've had such a huge fallout?

stumblymonkeyagain · 18/07/2017 10:21

I do think your view is correct OP, I doubt that the infidelity is a lie.

Personally though I would do a bit of snooping on his phone/laptop before you talk to him about it.

LoveDeathPrizes · 18/07/2017 10:22

Can you check work diaries? This seems to be a date that would've been in the diary. I'm thinking conference.

DirtyChaiLatte · 18/07/2017 10:25

I've always felt that he's untrustworthy

Why marry him and have kids with him then? You clearly don't trust him and never will, so do you really need evidence?

mickyblueyes · 18/07/2017 10:26

LoveDeathPrizes - The OP has confirmed it was a night out at the theatre with work and that her DH was away overnight that night...

"I use my phone as a diary and it was a night out with work... he stayed in a hotel that night so I had marked in my diary that he wasn't coming home"

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 18/07/2017 10:28

Was it 3 years ago to the day (or thereabouts)? Just wondering why it's come up now and thought that perhaps a Facebook "on this day 3 years ago" might have prompted the message? Long shot, but as it was a theatre trip it's the type of thing to be posted on there.

LadyFlumpalot · 18/07/2017 10:41

In this situation I would quietly ignore the text whilst getting on with some housework and reorganising.

In other words I'd stay quiet about it and get all my things together in one place. Bank statements, pension info, marriage and birth certificates.

I'd wait for another text. If someone is trying to get a rise out of you by sending an anonymous message you can bet they are close enough to you both to see the fallout. If you don't respond I would almost guarantee they will try again. This time with more details.

If they do, they might well manage to confirm or deny it.

If confirmed you have everything you need to start proceedings, if denied.... well you now have a handy place to store important documents.