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Original poster

CW: child neglect

106 replies

siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 07:49

I've NC'd for this and I'll try to keep it as vague as possible as it's quite outing.

I just spent a week with my step mother and my three siblings who live a long way away as a 'break'. I've come back feeling upset, deflated and useless. SS are heavily involved with my family and the middle sibling currently lives in a foster home. My oldest sibling isn't considered to be in danger due to being over 16. DB however is a toddler and my step mum is in Special Measures with SS (think that's what it was called) and DB is meant to go to nursery every afternoon to encourage his stimulation and social skills.

However, in the week I was there, my step mum bothered to take my DB to nursery ONCE. The other days, she couldn't be bothered. His nappy was changed once-twice a day, he is fed very little and not nutritious food (I didn't see him eat any fruit or veg when I was there), he is totally understimulated and spends most of the day in a dark living room watching things on the TV whilst my step mum smokes cig after cig. He is shouted at for the smallest things and has developed a fear of adults speaking to him due to this. He very rarely goes outside for fresh air. I work with kids and he is by far one of the most unhappy children I have ever met. His speech is vastly lacking for his age and consists of mostly swear words because that's what he hears at home- he is young but will be starting reception in September '18. He isn't talked to, played with or anything and in general he is ignored unless he is being shouted at. I ended up arranging to stay with my middle sibling for the rest of the week as I just felt so, so, so upset and couldn't be around it. Especially being a survivor myself, this felt scary and sad.

SS are already 'heavily' involved (although imo they should be doing more), and I rarely see him as I live at the other end of the UK. Even if SS were to put him into foster care, I most likely wouldn't qualify as a foster carer, although of course if I was asked I would do so. I can only hope that things are better when I next visit, but for now I just feel lost, guilty, and like I should be doing more.

Is there anything I can do at this point? Do I just have to sit back and see what happens? If SS are already involved there's nothing much else I can do is there?

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 12/07/2017 07:53

Please make a report to the Ss local to your stepmother. They are most likely not being given a true report by her of how things are Day to day

MrsBertBibby · 12/07/2017 07:53

You can talk to SS about your concerns. Where's your dad in all this?

Why would you not qualify as a foster carer?

MsJolly · 12/07/2017 07:54

You can speak to them yourself and tell them what you saw and how you felt when you were there. Leaving the poor wee fella there to that as you couldn't cope with it is not on really, as is thinking oh SS are involved so they will sort it...not without all the information that they need

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 07:54

@Crypto How do I do this if she's already under their care? Apparently it used to be much worse (drugs and alcohol) and I spoke to my middle sibling who said that SS have lost interest due to my stepmother quitting both drugs and alcohol.

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 07:56

@MrsBertBibby my dad is a massive idiot who fucked off roughly two years, no one knows where he is and he's most likely out of the country.

@MsJolly Speak to SS? I want to, I just don't know how/where to find the contact details etc

OP posts:
MsJolly · 12/07/2017 07:58

Google?!!!
Look up the child protection team for their area.

Lillygreen · 12/07/2017 07:58

I'm so sorry and saddened to hear this. I can't offer any advice regarding SS. (I don't know your circumstances, but I would have thought you would be a good option for foster care as you are blood relatives?)

Do you think your step mother believes her actions are acceptable or does she realise she is her toddler?

If you spoke to your Step mother and offered to be a foster carer, do you think she would be offended and get cross with you? Or do you think she would be relieved?

robinia · 12/07/2017 07:59

Yes - report report report. Don't let this get swept under the carpet.

As for fostering him yourself - this is a huge commitment. If you are serious you need to find out exactly what it entails, how much support you'd get, whether you'd even be eligible - just google it to start with. And bear in mind that your db may have complex issues now.

Are there other members of the family you can talk to.

CryptoFascist · 12/07/2017 07:59

Google the council for the county she is in , and child services. There should be a generic phone number. When you get through they will direct your call to the right department. Tell them names and address and they'll add info to the file they already hold. Her allocated social worker will be informed.

Babypythagorus · 12/07/2017 07:59

Whatever area you are in, google that area and child services. You'll get some numbers, and can call around till you get the SW managing the case. If you want to PM me your location I'll help, if you can't find anything.

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:01

I'll have a google now, I just got home and my phone is out of juice but it's on charge so if I find the relevant number I'll phone ASAP.

Good questions @Lillygreen.

I don't know if my step mother thinks she's in the right here. My two other siblings are both teenagers and one was raised well, the other not.

I don't think I would be accepted to be a foster carer due to distance- I would obviously need to facilitate positive family contact with the parent on a regular basis and it's not possible because I'm so far away. Also due to distance, I don't have much of a bond with him, so I think SS would take that into account too? I'm not sure though.

I'm glad that others think this is just as disgraceful because I've been worrying that I'm majorly over reacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:04

@robinia Yup, DB will absolutely have complex issues by now. Being trained in this, I could see it. He's going the same way as my teenage sibling and I. I wasn't raised by my step mother but I was raised in the same situation.

No other family members to talk to about this nope. I'm going to have a long vent to my gran when she phones me later but she's not directly related to this part of the family so she won't be able to help out I don't think. She might have good advice though.

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:05

Can I make an anonymous report? Will my stepmother find out it was me that phoned in?

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 08:06

Yes report to the local safegaurding board as it will add to the evidence needed to remove. They are giving her opportunities to engage eg nursery but if she does not comply no doubt the poor love will be removed on a care order Lets hope it is sooner rather than later. Also nursery will be reporting all absences and issues so hopefully things will come to a head ! Where is dad in all this ?

TheSlowLoris · 12/07/2017 08:07

Speak to the nursery, surely they must have concerns that he never goes. If she isn't complying with what SS have said then you need to tell them. This is neglect.

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:09

@flapjackfairy I really hope the nursery notices the pattern! They should be noticing it surely. No idea where dad is. He left two years ago and has no contact with anyone anymore. He's completely useless, he's fathered three sets of children from aged 21-3 and has no responsibility to any of them. The only sibling older than me has never met him and doesn't even know the rest of us exist!

OP posts:
TheSlowLoris · 12/07/2017 08:18

They might be noticing, they might not be doing anything about it.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 12/07/2017 08:21

Did you explain to your SM why you went to stay with your middle sibling halfway during your visit? Does she have any idea how awful the situation is, or does she just not care? You absolutely must report her to SS. It's child neglect, plain and simple. I'm sure you can do it anonymously. Good luck.

TeaBelle · 12/07/2017 08:22

If you can't get through to the social worker for whatever reason then if you just find a number or email address for making a new child.protection referral in the relevant area, then use that. They will ensure that it gets to the worker.

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:23

@WhatwouldOlivia I said that I couldn't be around the smoke and needed to be outdoors more. She didn't seem that bothered. I'm really annoyed that I used most of my annual leave for this but at the same time I'm glad because I didn't realise things were this bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:23

I've found the general number btw, but it most likely won't be in use until 9AM so I'll call then.

OP posts:
SafeToCross · 12/07/2017 08:28

Call the duty team, they will direct you. Your perspective might change input, thank you for doing this.

Lillygreen · 12/07/2017 08:29

Sorry re-read my comment. I meant
Does she realise she is depriving her toddler

Could you anonymously speak with the nursery? (Encourage them to chase up your step mum with attendance, or even get them to notice and raise it with SS)

X

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:35

Hmmm, should I call nursery first then? If my stepmother takes him to nursery today (bloody unlikely), they'll see him this afternoon.

I'm just letting off steam again, but one moment stood out for me. I went to visit for a couple of hours after I had decided to stay elsewhere My stepmother said that she had no money and could I buy some food please (I had bought my own food anyway). Happy to do this as I don't want my family to starve so I spent £20 on a shop with apples, milk, some healthy ready meals etc. Ten minutes later my stepmother went out and spent a tenner on cigs Angry I mean seriously?!

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 08:37

I am a fc and if they have arranged nursery they will have done partly to see if she will engage with services and they will be monitoring v closely so nursery will v likely be gathering evidence . If one child has already been removed and kids are on child protection they will be gathering evidence from medical folk as well and anybody else she is in contact with but please give as much information as you can as you saw it first hand and when she wasnt trying to pull the wool over their eyes so that is vital evidence right there. The poor love i hope he is helped soon as i feel they often give parents too many chances before they decide the threshhold has been reached and they can legally remove the child. Good luck. And i would love an update if possible .