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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

CW: child neglect

106 replies

siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 07:49

I've NC'd for this and I'll try to keep it as vague as possible as it's quite outing.

I just spent a week with my step mother and my three siblings who live a long way away as a 'break'. I've come back feeling upset, deflated and useless. SS are heavily involved with my family and the middle sibling currently lives in a foster home. My oldest sibling isn't considered to be in danger due to being over 16. DB however is a toddler and my step mum is in Special Measures with SS (think that's what it was called) and DB is meant to go to nursery every afternoon to encourage his stimulation and social skills.

However, in the week I was there, my step mum bothered to take my DB to nursery ONCE. The other days, she couldn't be bothered. His nappy was changed once-twice a day, he is fed very little and not nutritious food (I didn't see him eat any fruit or veg when I was there), he is totally understimulated and spends most of the day in a dark living room watching things on the TV whilst my step mum smokes cig after cig. He is shouted at for the smallest things and has developed a fear of adults speaking to him due to this. He very rarely goes outside for fresh air. I work with kids and he is by far one of the most unhappy children I have ever met. His speech is vastly lacking for his age and consists of mostly swear words because that's what he hears at home- he is young but will be starting reception in September '18. He isn't talked to, played with or anything and in general he is ignored unless he is being shouted at. I ended up arranging to stay with my middle sibling for the rest of the week as I just felt so, so, so upset and couldn't be around it. Especially being a survivor myself, this felt scary and sad.

SS are already 'heavily' involved (although imo they should be doing more), and I rarely see him as I live at the other end of the UK. Even if SS were to put him into foster care, I most likely wouldn't qualify as a foster carer, although of course if I was asked I would do so. I can only hope that things are better when I next visit, but for now I just feel lost, guilty, and like I should be doing more.

Is there anything I can do at this point? Do I just have to sit back and see what happens? If SS are already involved there's nothing much else I can do is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:40

@flapjackfairy Yeah, that sounds about right.

Right, I'm going to phone SS first and then the nursery. I'll tell the nursery I also phoned SS.

OP posts:
Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:41

Does anyone know the requirements of fostering as a family member?

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 08:50

You would be in a position to do family fostering or get a special guardianship order if they consider you to be suitable. Ring the childs sw if you know who it is and have a chat along the lines of if there was a need for him to move you would like to be considered and put everything in writing including your concerns . Good luck and well done !

niceupthedance · 12/07/2017 08:52

If you want to consider kinship fostering I believe someone from children's services will come and speak to you and discuss it (viability assessment). Then they would take it from there. Are you more than 100 miles away from SM?

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 08:55

Okay. Will keep this in mind.

@niceupthedance Yes, I'm over 500 miles away! I'm trying not to out location but they're over in England and I'm in Scotland. I think this will have an impact on if I'm a suitable carer or not.

OP posts:
drspouse · 12/07/2017 09:21

Best of luck with this. They usually try to place children with family first (my children are adopted but could not be placed with family).

SleepFreeZone · 12/07/2017 09:41

Such a sad story OP. I feel for that little boy so much 😢

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 09:48

I have phoned and reported anonymously. They've thanked me for the report but said they're doing all they can and won't be removing him at all in the near future. Apparently he has GDD- not a surprise from what I saw but if I knew that in the first place, lots of it would have made sense. They're sending someone to talk to my stepmum but probably won't do much more
Anyway, thanks for help all.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 10:26

What !! No way. I wouldnt settle for that ! Of course he has gdd he is suffering from severe neglect by the sounds of it.
Can you escalate it to the next level by speaking to a manager or even the director of soc services. Dont know if you can do that anonymously though and it may scupper your chances of fostering if you kick up a stink.
Are there any sw on here who can advise ??

drspouse · 12/07/2017 10:42

Definitely have a further word with nursery. They will probably be grateful to have a clearer idea of what it's like at home.

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 10:57

It was the Social Services I called. Not the nursery. They said they'd contact the nursery.
I feel so powerless.

OP posts:
user1471456357 · 12/07/2017 11:06

You phoned anonymously, and they gave you information on the child?

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 11:07

@user147 Yup Confused they didn't even ask for my name, just accepted 'older sibling visiting'. I'm not happy about this either, unsurprisingly.

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 12/07/2017 11:23

How very sad. I would contact SS and say what you have said here. Also mention tou would be willing to foster him. Poor little soul. Sad

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 11:27

@ladystarkers Already did, pretty much the minute it was office hours.

The Duty Worker actually said 'and I know it's different when it's a family member and I bet you just wanted to take him home' and I completely burst into tears. How can people treat children this badly Sad

OP posts:
drspouse · 12/07/2017 11:32

No I meant you should have a separate word with nursery.

TheSlowLoris · 12/07/2017 11:47

I would also speak to the nursery, don't rely on SS to do it.

ladystarkers · 12/07/2017 11:51

This is really shit. I'm so sorry.

LoveCakesandWine · 12/07/2017 12:21

OP how awful. I truly hope they were limited with what they could tell you

niceupthedance · 12/07/2017 13:08

So they are saying his neglect is not meeting the threshold for removal? I would call back and ask to speak to the allocated social worker and ask what they are planning to do about it, and while you are on the phone ask for their managers email address then put in writing to the manager all you have seen and your discussions today with the duty SW.

user1471456357 · 12/07/2017 13:31

How did they know you were a family member if it was anonymous?

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 13:50

I don't know if the nursery will listen to/believe me!

@niceup Yep, that's what they're saying essentially. I don't think I'm able to do that because they have no proof that I am actually who I say I am.

@user147 They just seemed to take my word for it! I think if I take it further they'll ask for more details but they believed me.

The duty worker also made me feel a bit... guilty for phoning in? She said, 'and what do you think your step mother will say when she finds out you've been calling SS about her parenting?'. She was trying to ask if I wanted to remain anonymous but in a totally insensitive way. I'm really disappointed in the way this has been dealt with.

OP posts:
superfluffyanimal · 12/07/2017 14:58

What did you talk about with your Step Mother when there? Did you not question any of it with her?

superfluffyanimal · 12/07/2017 15:05

I would contact the nursery about non attendance, If I forget to tell our nursery that we are off they call us by 1130 to see if we are ok, it seems very slack that they don't contact your Step Mum.

Do nursery know that he is meant to be there due to SS special measures? I would call or email anonymously

Original poster
siblingproblems · 12/07/2017 15:06

@super she doesn't really 'talk'. I asked about the SS situation and she kinda waved it off? Or if I asked about it my stepsister would give me dagger eyes as if to say 'shut UP'.

OP posts: