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Original poster

How do I convince my wife I'm not doing anything?

112 replies

Gunsastern · 12/07/2017 01:52

Posting for a female perspective.
I've been with my wife for near on 20 years. I had a few girlfriends before, she had one boyfriend. We are now married with two children.
I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy, but have never actually cheated, although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it.
A long time ago she found some porn of mine on the computer. She reacted badly and I promised I wouldn't look again.
However, I have felt sexually rejected many times throughout our relationship, my libido was always higher and at one stage we were only having sex once a fortnight.
I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it. She has said I put my need for a wank over other naked women above keeping my word to her. And now thinks it doesn't matter if I tell her I haven't slept with anyone else in the past, as my word can't be trusted. She has looked at stuff with me before but now seems totally against it because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent. I prefer looking by myself. Yes, I would still be looking at porn if she hadn't seen it and made such a big deal about it. But I don't understand why she can't get over it and move on. I've said I'm sorry and won't do it again. I understand her reasons why solo porn and dishonesty isn't good in the relationship. But she's doubting everything. I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. Now she thinks I've done that too.
How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?
Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 12/07/2017 02:01

Sounds like a lot of work. Is she / the relationship really worth it?

If she's not going to trust you then what's left to salvage? If it's worth trying to get back on track, you could suggest some counselling to help get it all aired. Perhaps showing you're willing to talk through her fears will help.

Only make the promise (to drop the porn watching) if you really can stick to that. Personally I find it either unintentionally funny or just boring as hell and about as erotic as watching paint dry, but each to their own.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2017 02:03

Frankly, I wouldn't trust you at all.

cappy123 · 12/07/2017 02:11

Ditto. You like porn, she doesn't. You said you'd keep your word, you didn't. Your 5th sentence crystallizes why she can't trust you (her choice by the way you can't 'make' her trust you).

justkeeponsmiling · 12/07/2017 02:17

I'm wondering what you mean by "I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy but I've never actually cheated"... so nearly cheated then? I'm not surprised she doesn't trust you!

BadHatter · 12/07/2017 02:18

Tell her that her that you respect that she has boundaries, and that you acknowledge that you've crossed them. Don't apologize.

Then tell her the deal. Have that talk. The talk about being unhappy with your sex life. The talk about how unattractive her controlling of your madturbation is.

Be completely honest.

PeachPearPotato · 12/07/2017 02:19

You sound a catch Hmm

HelenaDove · 12/07/2017 02:19

." I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away"

What in a "you should be grateful im not doing even worse things like this" kind of way.

Wow she really should be falling in love with you all over again. Hmm Hmm

pnutter · 12/07/2017 02:20

You broke her trust. Then she didnt want to have sex with you very often Hmm

MrsOverTheRoad · 12/07/2017 02:26

You've got two children. Sex once a fortnight isn't bad at all quite honestly.

How old are your kids?

HelenaDove · 12/07/2017 02:26

Why are you married OP Is it so you dont have to do housework and the other bits of drudgery because you dont seem to be interested in the other expectations of it.

If you want to screw around why not be open with your wife about it so she can leave you or explore the option of an open marriage. But that would mean she gets to do the same as you and i have a feeling you wouldnt like that.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 12/07/2017 02:33

In all honesty would you like it if your wife was regularly getting off on lots of fit men from porn herself and telling you her friends used male prostitutes?

Priorities, love and trust, these above all.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 12/07/2017 02:38

I wouldn't want to trust you, you dozy twat, is it that difficult to see from what you've said?

You are a laughable fool.

e1y1 · 12/07/2017 02:41

You have different sex drives/sexually incompatible, that's all. Just as you have no right to dictate when she wants/has sex. She has no right to dictate what you do with your own body or what you watch.

HOWEVER - you are essentially being asked to make a choice, give up porn and settle with the sex life you currently have. Or if that is something you cannot accept, you need to look at separating. Nothing wrong either way, but now it is what is more important - porn or her?

You deserve to be happy, and SHE deserves to be happy.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2017 02:49

She doesn't trust you because you are not trustworthy. You are married to a smart woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2017 03:30

"...although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it."

And you wonder why she doesn't trust you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2017 03:36

You mention others cheating, prostitutes and strippers, have done untrustworthy things just shy of sex, and you lie.

Can't imagine why she doesn't trust you...

You don't actually have to be married. Go, get divorced, wank to porn, use prostitutes try to avoid prostituted women, trafficked women, women addicted to substances and economically disadvantaged women, watch strippers and do what you like. You don't get to be happily married though. Seems that you currently have the worst of both worlds. And so does she.

PeachPearPotato · 12/07/2017 05:31

Commented earlier but penny's just dropped.

I call school holidays. No-one can be this thick.

ShizeItsWeegie · 12/07/2017 07:07

I wouldn't trust you either. You are minimising and untrustworthy.

grungeneverdied · 12/07/2017 07:12

I don't think porn is the big issue here, you made promises you couldn't keep and told her about women you wanted to hook up with. Are you nuts? Trust is built through stability and consistency. I'm a bloke but if my missus was telling little white lies and saying one thing but doing another I wouldn't trust her either. Just think of it in reverse.

FirstShinyRobe · 12/07/2017 07:14

You need to work on your seduction technique, mate.

CircleofWillis · 12/07/2017 07:27

For your wife you watching porn IS a form of infidelity. You should have spoken with her about your frustration with the extent of your intimate relationship before deciding by yourself that you had the right to change the parameters of your relationship by breaking your promise and watching porn again. Have you attempted to explore the reasons why your wife only feels like having sex once a fortnight? Have you put effort into letting her know how much you love and appreciate her and her body which is why you want to be intimate with her and only her? Your use of porn might make her feel as if she is only supplying a bodily function for you - like food or a toilet. In which case infidelity would seem more likely to her as you are prioritising the bodily function not the emotional intimacy when watching porn.
I wouldn't trust you again easily if I caught you out in a lie. This is the big issue not just the porn.

TheNaze73 · 12/07/2017 07:40

I think you should leave the relationship. She sounds hard work & hasn't a clue what you want out of it.

Likewise, she doesn't trust you.

Really don't see the point in prolonging it.

Even with children, you make time for what is important to each other & neither of you are doing that

madmoon · 12/07/2017 07:43

you told her you wanted to cheat on her, ok you say you haven't , but in reality your word means nothing when you can't stop using the porn like you said.
Do you love her enough to fight this , if so maybe you should seek counselling / guidance or something similar.
trust is not something you have a right to it's something you earn.

ShizeItsWeegie · 12/07/2017 10:36

In the immortal words of Alice Cooper, "Schools out".

Original poster
Gunsastern · 12/07/2017 10:49

I think I have explained some things poorly. I admit that I did some things I shouldn't when I was younger and immature. That was over ten years ago and all was good until she recently found I had been watching porn again for a number of years. I don't think I remembered that I promised I wouldn't watch it when I started again. Looking at stuff on a screen isn't a big thing to me.
The dodgy things I tried to explain as honestly as I could, which is when I said I was looking to get together with someone else. The first thing, I took a condom with me on a work weekend away on the spur of the moment,as I'd been told they could get wild. I threw it away when I was there, as I had second thoughts. I didn't know she realised I had taken it, so when I returned without it, all hell broke loose. The second thing, we were arguing about me being away so much. I thought the grass would be greener elsewhere and thought about leaving for a brief time. I didn't, and I'm glad, because I love my wife and kids.
The sex every fortnight was for some time before and after we had kids. I'm not unhappy with our sex life now, I don't think that's why I started looking at porn again. I looked more while working away and it got to be a habit. I can live without it.
I suggested counselling a while ago, but my wife doesn't really want to go. Unfortunately, when she asked me if I would tell a counsellor anything I hadn't already admitted to her, I said I didn't know. I was being honest, but she has taken this to mean that if there is something I have been untruthful about, it's not going to come out in counselling, and if I'm not completely honest, what's the point?
@TheNaze what did you mean by she hasn't a clue what I want out of the relationship?

OP posts: