How do I convince my wife I'm not doing anything?

[Gunsastern]

Posting for a female perspective.
I've been with my wife for near on 20 years. I had a few girlfriends before, she had one boyfriend. We are now married with two children.
I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy, but have never actually cheated, although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it.
A long time ago she found some porn of mine on the computer. She reacted badly and I promised I wouldn't look again.
However, I have felt sexually rejected many times throughout our relationship, my libido was always higher and at one stage we were only having sex once a fortnight.
I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it. She has said I put my need for a wank over other naked women above keeping my word to her. And now thinks it doesn't matter if I tell her I haven't slept with anyone else in the past, as my word can't be trusted. She has looked at stuff with me before but now seems totally against it because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent. I prefer looking by myself. Yes, I would still be looking at porn if she hadn't seen it and made such a big deal about it. But I don't understand why she can't get over it and move on. I've said I'm sorry and won't do it again. I understand her reasons why solo porn and dishonesty isn't good in the relationship. But she's doubting everything. I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. Now she thinks I've done that too.
How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?
Sorry this is so long.

And school doesn't break up for another week or so.

Let me get this right - she should get over it and have counselling because of your behaviour then draw a line, put it all behind you. Because you say so, OP.

Next...

It was a long time ago and I've changed since then. I haven't gone out looking to sleep with anyone else since the incidents I mentioned. I'm definitely not as immature now, I don't understand why this is being dredged up again after all this time. Yes, the porn is recent, I've admitted I was wrong. I haven't looked at any since then. I've said I won't repeat it. But how can I prove that I'm not doing anything?

how much do you do around the house and with the DC?

tbh you sound like you dont have a clue what goes on in her head. have you ever actually listened to her or is it always all about you?

Yeah I wouldn't trust you either. You took a condom to a work do just incase. You told her you've thought about hooking up with other women.

I do listen. I know it's hard work when I'm away. I don't restrict her from doing anything she wants to, or control the money. When at home I do my share of putting kids to bed, cooking and tidying up after dinner, spending time with them at the weekend etc. I don't do as much around the house, but for most of the year she's a stay at home mum. What don't I have a clue about?

I said I was looking to get together with someone else. The first thing, I took a condom with me on a work weekend away on the spur of the moment,as I'd been told they could get wild. I threw it away when I was there, as I had second thoughts.

The second thing, we were arguing about me being away so much. I thought the grass would be greener elsewhere and thought about leaving for a brief time.

So your wife knows you intended to cheat on her at a work weekend away but "you had second thoughts" and didn't...wow op you are such a catch aren't you.
And she also knows that you considered leaving her for causing arguments about you working away. Arguments which were probably caused by the fact that she missed you and that she knew you had very real intentions to cheat whilst away!

It was a long time ago and I've changed since then. I haven't gone out looking to sleep with anyone else since the incidents I mentioned.

round of applause so you think because it's in the past and you managed to not cheat its all ok and should be forgotten?

I don't understand why this is being dredged up again after all this time.
Because you have hurt your wife!
Doesn't matter that it's been a while and she forgave you, the damage is done, she knows you intended to cheat on her, she knows you intended to leave her and she wont forget that, and now she knows you promised her to not watch porn and you did for years behind her back. And like you've said you would have carried on if she didn't find out.

You've broken her trust.

I'm surprised she stayed with you after what she knows.

How would you feel if she told you she intended to cheat on you, to leave you and she broke her promises? Would you be ok with it and just move on?

I don't think I'd still be bringing it up a year later, no.

Every single one of your posts is all about you. You thought about cheating, you took a condom on a works do, you dont think watching porn is a big deal, you want her to just get over it.

Theres zero in any of your posts about feeling bad that you hurt her, about anything youve done to try and show her you love her, in fact anything at all about loving her or seeing her as a person. Its all "I should be able to do what I want as long as I say sorry, she should just stay quiet. Oh, and more sex."

"I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. "

Why did you "mention" that? Especially when you have made it very clear to her that you definitely have wanted to cheat and have gone out looking for it?

How do these princes among men get the idea to post on MN?

To me it sounds like you are doing stuff

You took a condom on a weekend away with the lads (how many weekends away does your wife get?)

You told her that you would never watch porn but she found you using porn

You told her about 'all the other lads' cheating when away.

You have actually told your wife that you actually want to sleep with another actual woman

She does the lion's share of the housework and has to do all the parenting while you're away. I'd be too exhausted for sex even if I wasn't put off by the above.

It sounds like you want us to give you the magic words that will make her shut her mouth, open her legs and forget your real words and actions so you can carry on watching porn and possibly cheating. I can't think of anything that will help you.

Why haven't you divorced her if you want to sleep with other women?

DixieFlatline I wonder if his wife comes on Mumsnet and he hopes to be able to point at a post on here and say, 'look, your precious mumsnet says it's okay!'

My DH broke my trust when I found a series of very flirty text messages to a colleague, that was 10yrs ago. Although I don't bring it up anymore, I have NEVER forgotten.

OP, trust is like a glass ball, drop it, it breaks. You can then try and repair it, but it will never be the same again.

Oh dear OP!

You come across like you just don't get it...

So, you've clearly had intentions of cheating - whether you went through with it or not, the intent was there by taking a condom away with you. If my DH did that I'd be feeling utterly devastated. The intent to cheat is enough to kill off any trust in a marriage.

The fact that your sex life has dwindled... guess what? That's life, that's relationships. When the honeymoon period is over, most couples don't go at it like rabbits several times a day. The fact is that people get sucked back into the drudgery of life - work, housework, kids, family, other commitments. They're all a physical and emotional drain and ultimately sex will suffer for that.

Add that to the fact that you've clearly made your wife feel worthless by the intent to cheat and the fact that you can't seem to give up porn, which is another debt to her self esteem.

Do you think your wife wants to shag you when you're making her feel like shit? Making her feel like you have no interest in her other than housekeeper and a hole to shag?

It all boils down to the fact that you've likely made her feel like shit and that is probably why she doesn't want to have sex with you. You've broken her trust and shown her that you're happy to watch and wank over slim, sexy, unrealistic women on a screen and that you've shown that you're willing to stick your dick into someone else if the opportunity arises.

Do you think that the woman that you're supposed to love, honour and cherish deserves to be treated like that?

She's busy raising your kids, which is exhausting, physically and emotionally and you're sowing your gratitude to her sacrifice of herself to your family by fantasising about other women. See how that would put her off any intimacy?

You can't MAKE her trust you but you can pull your head out of your arse and stop making this about you and the fact that you are unhappy with your sex life. I can't imagine that she's particularly happy either. You need to show her that you can be trusted and stop expecting her to wake up one morning and have forgiven you.

Your actions have caused this. Stop blaming her for not wanting to shag you and behave like a responsible adult, husband and father.

I do try and show her I love her. Doing more at home, flowers, putting location device on phone, taking incognito off my laptop... She just seems to be triggered by things, yes, some threads on MN. Or by the fact I have to work away for a week. We get on well for a bit, then it's back to making me feel bad again. I don't know what she hopes to achieve by this. I don't know what else I can do to prove she can trust me. I understand how it has hurt her. But what else can I do?

A year later???!!!

With the way you've worded it in the previous posts you made it sound like it's been at least several years, but one year!
Me and my DP have worked through issues from the past with some of them coming up several years later. That's the point of relationships, you deal with issues together you don't brush them under the carpet and expect the other half to forgive and forget.

And since you've broken your wives trust in such a huge way and then expected her to just get over it as you "didn't actually cheat" you've made yourself sound utterly selfish, self absorbed and delusional.

I don't think I'd still be bringing it up a year later, no.

Are you sure about that? How do you think you would actually feel knowing your wife found you unsatisfying and left you to look after the house and the kids whilst she went away with the intention to cheat on you?
How would you feel about her as a person? Would you just blindly trust her 12months later after you've uncovered a lie she's been feeding you? Would you trust her saying that she has now changed and she doesn't understand how you can still bring it up as she was gracious enough to not actually cheat?

Would you just carry on as if nothing has happened?

A year is not long enough to get over something like this and the fact that she has just caught you lying again about something she sees as a betrayal just shows that you haven't changed that much after all.

I honestly think you should split up. You've been together a while and clearly are no longer meeting each others needs and expectations. You dont have to stay together.

What can you do?

You can keep on doing things at home, keep on not doing things which will make her suspicious, make her feel loved and sexy, not blame her for all of this mess and then give her time to process it all and hopefully, eventually move on. She may never forgive you and she certainly will never forget this and that doubt will always be there.

You now need to try to move forward and to do that, you've got to stop looking for a magic quick fix. This isn't going to resolve overnight and it's unfair to expect your wife to just get over it and move on. You've hurt her deeply and everything you do is now going be tainted in her mind. She will be wondering where you are, what you're doing and who you're with. Bringing her flowers will always make her wonder if you've got an ulterior motive. This is the life you're living now and you have to respect that your action caused that.
You can't prove that you're trustworthy in an instant, you can't prove it by saying you'll change - in fact, you promised a change and then slipped right back into porn, this proving that your unwilling to change.

Be sensitive to her needs and actively notice what she's saying with her words, tone and body language.

This is going to take a long time to repair. You're either in for the long haul and are willing to stop being selfish and looking for sexual gratification elsewhere or it's time for you to end the relationship.

Definitely end it. As the pp just said the doubt will always be there, regardless I'd add.

It's all me, me, me and quite frankly your poor wife is in the same situation as me, married to a man to whom porn and sex is more important than anything else.
Sadly because my H's taste in porn has become increasingly more hard porn over the years, it's wrecked the marriage.
He too said it was my fault, I needed counselling and I should get over it, and that's killed any love I may have had. Men who watch porn are desensitised, see women as sex objects and I for me I cannot get over the fact that he's fantasising about what he's watched whilst having sex with me, not 'making love' to the woman he married.
He never makes me feel loved or wanted, let alone sexy so it's hardly surprising your wife is probably feeling something similar and therefore behaving like she is.
I don't know what the answer is for you; for me it's very likely to be the end of a 38 year marriage.
💐 For your DW.

Mavis end your marriage then. Why stay in it when you're both so unfulfilled?

I call reverse!

She just seems to be triggered by things, yes, some threads on MN OP have you come onto Mumsnet hoping that your wife will see your post and believes you as she reads mumsnet rather than genuinely looking for advice?

As you know she uses MN, I have a suspicion that you think posting that you have never actually cheated and threw away the condom etc. will make her believe you because you've written it so it must be true!

Clever. Very clever.

I could be wrong of course...

I have a suspicion that you think posting that you have never actually cheated and threw away the condom etc. will make her believe you Oooooo sneaky.

MrsGunsastern if you are real reading, just leave if you are unhappy.