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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I convince my wife I'm not doing anything?

112 replies

Gunsastern · 12/07/2017 01:52

Posting for a female perspective.
I've been with my wife for near on 20 years. I had a few girlfriends before, she had one boyfriend. We are now married with two children.
I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy, but have never actually cheated, although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it.
A long time ago she found some porn of mine on the computer. She reacted badly and I promised I wouldn't look again.
However, I have felt sexually rejected many times throughout our relationship, my libido was always higher and at one stage we were only having sex once a fortnight.
I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it. She has said I put my need for a wank over other naked women above keeping my word to her. And now thinks it doesn't matter if I tell her I haven't slept with anyone else in the past, as my word can't be trusted. She has looked at stuff with me before but now seems totally against it because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent. I prefer looking by myself. Yes, I would still be looking at porn if she hadn't seen it and made such a big deal about it. But I don't understand why she can't get over it and move on. I've said I'm sorry and won't do it again. I understand her reasons why solo porn and dishonesty isn't good in the relationship. But she's doubting everything. I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. Now she thinks I've done that too.
How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?
Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 14/07/2017 17:04

Why would I tell her that if I had been up to the same thing?

It's a technique of deflection isn't it?

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 18:04

It's a rubbish idea sherry
You dintbreapir trust with a monitor.
I mean Serioulsy, what is stopping the OP to use another phone/tablet?
And do you really think that this is the only thing that the Op'sdw doesn't trust him with?

Sorry Gun but the only way to regain the trust of your dw is to do the necessary hard work. Ask herbwatnwouod her feel better, like she can trust you.
Do that, 10x better than she was expecting.
Listen to her, answer her questions.
DONT put her down or tell her that her worries are nothing and do not mean anything.
Respect her pov and her beliefs (incl the fact she doesn't like porn. Doesn't matter whether you think it's OK or not)
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Then you might have a chance.

A quick fix such as the one proposed by shelly will do nothing.

Italiangreyhound · 15/07/2017 00:08

If I found out a man I was involved with was watching women being fucked for money, that would be the most massive turn off ever.

It's not very cool these days to say that one finds porn utterly offensive, and sad, and feels sorry for all the lives caught up in this shifty shitty 'industry'; not to mention the marriages corroded by its toxicity.

Not being able to say this easily is such a shame. I wish more women, and men, could say watching women be put in degrading and dehumanizing positions is so offensive.

Is there a reason men can't wank without a sound track? I could not trust a man who had such a low opinion of women.

I hope OP you will get something out of this thread, I hope you will figure out what you want out of life. I hope the future for you will not include watching random women being fucked by random men.

It may be possible for your wife to trust you again bit it won't be because of some trick you can pull or some arguments you can pull out of your hat.

Your only real hope is to become a man worthy of trust. I do hope you will do that even if it is not with your current partner.

And by the by I am not really down on men who cheat, or women who cheat, I don't think it is the worst crime in the book! But it's not about what bothers me, it's what bothers your wife.

And I know you have not cheated anyway, but you wanted to. Why not explore those thoughts (I mean 'why' not fantasizing about it.

Work out what it is you really need to be a man of integrity. If this is all genuine then I do genuinely wish you all the best.

But it has to be a change of heart, not just of current actions, IMHO. Because character comes from within. if your wife sees a real change, she may feel differently. But if it is just to get more sex, she won't be convinced.

Good luck. Flowers

prioritymail · 15/07/2017 00:18

And I know you have not cheated anyway, but you wanted to. Why not explore those thoughts (I mean 'why' not fantasizing about it.
Italian did you just advise OP to explore cheating? Confused

CupFullOfSpiders · 15/07/2017 00:32

If I found out a man I was involved with was watching women being fucked for money, that would be the most massive turn off ever

Following on from that, I'm kind of old enough to have straddled ahem Blush pre Internet porn men and post Internet porn men and holy fuck are post internet porn men shit at sex Sad

Pre Internet porn, I remember sex being fun and sexy and feeling amazing. However, men I've dated who've had internet porn habits are awful at sex. Jack hammering, doing things that are just painful, things they see in porn that look good but actually feel shit for a woman to have done to her or just not arousing in any way and they just don't realise Sad

I'm sure lots of men think women might be jealous of the women men watch in porn, or may think it's a harmless habit, but as well as all the (incredibly important) moral objections, the huge amount of porn out there seems to have made men shit at sex.

Totally off topic, but was good to get that off my chest!

Op, you've done and said plenty that's hurt your wife. You need to understand each one of those hurts and how it must have felt from her point of view. And tell her how it must have felt from her point of view because just saying "soz won't do it again" is a shit apology and gives her nothing to show you've understood how you hurt her and want to fix it.

tadpole73 · 15/07/2017 08:14

Italiangreyhound Well said 👍🏻👍🏻

Italiangreyhound · 15/07/2017 15:20

prioritymail no, explore (think about) why, not do it.

Italiangreyhound · 15/07/2017 15:21

Why he considered cheating.

Huskylover1 · 15/07/2017 16:41

It's bad enough, when someone cheats because they have gradually fallen for someone else.

But, to take a condom to a works party, with the thought of shagging any random woman at the end of the night, really takes it up a notch.

How would you feel, if your wife had taken a condom out with her to the pub, so that if she fancied a stranger, she would be well prepared for a sex session with him?

Beth666 · 29/07/2017 18:56

She's obviously a very insecure woman. Get rid of her and find someone sensible. Life is to short for the nonsense she is putting you through.

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2017 21:41

Beth are you a bloke?

AccrualIntentions · 29/07/2017 21:45

I'm not sure you can make someone trust you, sometimes they just don't and that's a sign there's a deeper issue.

But equally, I don't really get all the drama about watching porn. I couldn't give a flying fuck if my husband watches porn, I watch it myself sometimes. You shouldn't have promised you wouldn't if you weren't going to stick to that promise though, as that's the kind of thing that erodes trust.

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