How do I convince my wife I'm not doing anything?

[Gunsastern]

Posting for a female perspective.
I've been with my wife for near on 20 years. I had a few girlfriends before, she had one boyfriend. We are now married with two children.
I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy, but have never actually cheated, although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it.
A long time ago she found some porn of mine on the computer. She reacted badly and I promised I wouldn't look again.
However, I have felt sexually rejected many times throughout our relationship, my libido was always higher and at one stage we were only having sex once a fortnight.
I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it. She has said I put my need for a wank over other naked women above keeping my word to her. And now thinks it doesn't matter if I tell her I haven't slept with anyone else in the past, as my word can't be trusted. She has looked at stuff with me before but now seems totally against it because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent. I prefer looking by myself. Yes, I would still be looking at porn if she hadn't seen it and made such a big deal about it. But I don't understand why she can't get over it and move on. I've said I'm sorry and won't do it again. I understand her reasons why solo porn and dishonesty isn't good in the relationship. But she's doubting everything. I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. Now she thinks I've done that too.
How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?
Sorry this is so long.

2littlemoos that is what I was trying to say. Came out as a garbled mess instead.

So how would you trust your wife if the roles were reversed here?

If it was only a year ago that she had made arrangements to cheat on you but then changed her mind?

If you had recently found out that the promise she had made to you, she hadn't kept?

If she had talked to you about other men she'd like to shag and told you that her female friends visit prostitutes and see strippers regularly (so implying she doesn't think it a big deal)?

Would you suddenly start feeling none of that mattered because she bought you flowers? Or is this trusting against the evidence thing something only women are supposed to do?

I was leaning towards your side in your OP but after your update, I'm sorry but I can see why she don't trust you.

Loving the underlying implication that a person who freely announces himself as someone who (relatively regularly?!) considers cheating on his wife, but then who has second thoughts and doesn't actually go through with physical cheating, is somehow to be considered trustworthy. As though a majority of people (or men) think like this and have so few morals and no loyalty to their partner, and he wants a fucking medal for not giving in.

Your medal:

I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy

I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else

I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it

because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent

I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away

I admit that I did some things I shouldn't when I was younger and immature

The dodgy things I tried to explain as honestly as I could, which is when I said I was looking to get together with someone else

I took a condom with me on a work weekend away on the spur of the moment,as I'd been told they could get wild

I thought the grass would be greener elsewhere and thought about leaving for a brief time

Unfortunately, when she asked me if I would tell a counsellor anything I hadn't already admitted to her, I said I didn't know

And the clincher:

How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?

....Are you fucking joking? She's never going to trust you. Because you aren't trustworthy.

You don't say whether you have a daughter. If you do, is this the kind of man you dream she ends up with? No. Didn't think so.

You do realise she will leave you eventually? Well, she should anyway.

You're a cheating, lying, porn-watching shatpank and you want to find a way to force the woman who once loved you to forgive all of your shitty behaviour and just get over it because "I've changed"?

Load of shite; people change in all kinds of ways; they get older, they get wrinkly, grey haired, they can learn new skills, they can develop and work on parts of their character, but the one thing that generally doesn't change is a moral compass; either you have one or you don't.

Such a lot of vitriol. Is it so hard to believe that I have been tempted in the past but never followed through on it?
The times I told my wife about other people seeing prostitutes etc was probably because she was insecure and asked if any of us had been up to no good while away. I was honest about that and it appears to have backfired in my face. Why would I tell her that if I had been up to the same thing?
And just to be clear, the time I took the condom away was twenty years ago. I haven't done it again since then. Her finding I was watching porn again was a year ago. People mature a lot in twenty years.

What are all the references to school about?

Totally agree with Mavis." Men who watch porn are desensitised..."

I feel sorry for the poor women in those porn movies. I'd hate it if my husband watched porn, I honestly think I'd find it worse (or at least as bad) as if he actually fell for some real woman who he actually liked as a person!

Gunsastern I don't blame your wife for not trusting you, you do not sound very trustworthy (or very smart - taking one of your own condoms to a work event where you expect things to get 'wild').

If you and your wife are not sexually compatible, then you either need to work at it and compromise or part ways.

"How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?"

How does she make you stop you looking at porn (which you claim to easily be able to stop doing, but I bet you won't - why can't you wank to your own imagination - I some women can do it, why can't you!) and how does she make you trustworthy?

You know the answer - only she can choose to trust you and only you can choose to be trustworthy.

Can you describe the bin you put the unopened condom into Gunsastern?

I hope you didn't just throw it down on the ground in the woods. Our local doggers do that and I find it really unvironmental. Take it home for goodness sake if you are going to go bareback, just not in my backyard.

Oh please stop pampering this loser.

Well based on what you've said in your OP, I wouldn't trust you either. You're a liar. You told your DW you wouldn't look at porn and did so anyway. Looks like the porn is a big deal for her so you two probably shouldn't be together. Her view on it is unlikely to change, and the way it makes her feel is clearly irrelevant to you if you do it anyway after she expressed it to you.

Such a lot of vitriol. Says the man who posts on a website largely used by women about how he lies to his wife. You couldn't make it up.

Or could you?

You told her you wouldn't do something that she asked you not to do. Then continued to do it in secret.

You took a condom on a work trip intending to cheat on her but didn't have any luck decided not to

You mentioned friends use strippers and prostitutes.

No sorry, no idea how you can get her to trust you. She can see right through you. Just like we can

Why did you bin an unused condom? Surely it would have made more sense to bring it home unused?

"Such a lot of vitriol. Is it so hard to believe that I have been tempted in the past but never followed through on it? "

Most people are tempted at some point. They dont give it any real thought because they are in a releationship and arent cheaters.

The part thats hard to believe is that you were tempted, decided to act on it, then decided not to, told your wife "hey I was totally going to cheat on you but then decided not to at the last minute!" and you think thats somehow noble and laudable and that she should consider herself lucky in some way.

@cricrichan at that point I didn't want it found in my bag once returned home. I made a stupid mistake on the spur of the moment, thought better of it, and didn't want to get caught with it in my bag. I know how bad it sounds.

How would you feel about your mother/wife/sister/daughter being one of the women in your porn videos?

@autumnrose1988 very probably, yes.