Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I convince my wife I'm not doing anything?

112 replies

Gunsastern · 12/07/2017 01:52

Posting for a female perspective.
I've been with my wife for near on 20 years. I had a few girlfriends before, she had one boyfriend. We are now married with two children.
I've done a few things in the past which could have looked dodgy, but have never actually cheated, although I admitted to her that a few times I had wanted to hook up with someone else I hadn't actually done it.
A long time ago she found some porn of mine on the computer. She reacted badly and I promised I wouldn't look again.
However, I have felt sexually rejected many times throughout our relationship, my libido was always higher and at one stage we were only having sex once a fortnight.
I work away a lot, and gradually started looking at porn again. Although I mainly used incognito, my wife found out and feels betrayed by it. She has said I put my need for a wank over other naked women above keeping my word to her. And now thinks it doesn't matter if I tell her I haven't slept with anyone else in the past, as my word can't be trusted. She has looked at stuff with me before but now seems totally against it because in her mind I am only interested in looking at other women and not doing anything with her. Which is true to a certain extent. I prefer looking by myself. Yes, I would still be looking at porn if she hadn't seen it and made such a big deal about it. But I don't understand why she can't get over it and move on. I've said I'm sorry and won't do it again. I understand her reasons why solo porn and dishonesty isn't good in the relationship. But she's doubting everything. I've previously mentioned workmates who've been to see prostitutes or strippers while away. Now she thinks I've done that too.
How do I make her trust me and stop being so jealous?
Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gunsastern · 13/07/2017 20:56

Despite things looking bad, I can assure you (and my wife) that I have not slept with anyone else since we got together. For a brief time I thought about it, and was honest about that when she asked rather than be deceitful. I want to make things better, but can't do anything I'm not already doing. I can't prove I won't look at anything while away until I actually am away. Although I am confident I won't, now I know exactly how she feels. I didn't think there was anything much wrong with just looking at pictures on a screen, and wasn't thinking at the time that I'd said I wouldn't. Lots of men do it. To me there is a moral difference between this and physically getting involved with another person, which I won't do. Is that hard to believe?

Thank you to the person who offered advice. I will continue to do what I'm doing and hope in time I can prove I am trustworthy, and things will not trigger her to dredge up the past as much.

OP posts:
Mysteriouscurle · 13/07/2017 21:19

So you lied to your partner and planned to cheat on her (to the extent you brought a condom on a work trip) and now you're stamping your feet and whinging "its not fair. Why won't she trust me. If you are for real you have absolutely no self-awareness at all. People don't trust other people who they know who have lied to them. She isn't in the wrong here. It is you who has destroyed her trust.

Original poster
Gunsastern · 13/07/2017 21:27

Yes, I made a stupid mistake. But people move on from things like that. Lots more people probably have done that kind of thing and not been caught. So don't have their one immature brief mistake being brought up again and again. Isn't it better to be honest about it and try to move on?

OP posts:
Mysteriouscurle · 13/07/2017 22:17

She cant make herself trust someone who has lied to her and IMO she would be very unwise to. But you cant accept that.

tadpole73 · 13/07/2017 22:30

You sound lush! Not.
Reading your comments, it's clear you simply cannot see why she has trust issues. You have no respect for your wife, just because you acted inappropriately years ago doesn't make it acceptable. You obliterated her trust and probably her self esteem, think yourself lucky she stays with you. As you can gage by comments in reply, you ain't someone us women would be content with.
You're an ARSE

LisaMed1 · 13/07/2017 23:12

You say you're not doing anything.

The stuff you admit to doing would finish it for me. It's the sense that you have put no value on your wife. It's like she's been a place marker for you until something better came along.

I don't know how you can make her feel that she is your priority, that you would choose her above another, that she has value to you. Once the sense of being important to your partner has gone, it's really hard to get it back.

I think you're going to have to accept that it's going to take a long time if it happens.

Original poster
Gunsastern · 14/07/2017 00:11

Doesn't anyone think it's a bit unfair to bring up something from 20 years ago though? That's a long time ago. I'm a completely different person now.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 14/07/2017 02:47

You clearly aren't a different person with arguments like:

"Lots of men do it. To me there is a moral difference between this and physically getting involved with another person, which I won't do. Is that hard to believe?"

You fail to realize that

a) No one gives a toss how many other men do something offensive. Making this point just shows that you are justifying/defending your actions.

b) To HER, there is no difference between pornography and physical cheating. It doesn't matter if you don't think there is a difference or not. You have to respect her feelings on this matter. But clearly you don't respect her and have no ability to empathize, which frankly makes you a crap partner.

I think the damage is done. You won't get any help here because you're too self absorbed to even see why you're wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2017 03:41

Doesn't anyone think it's a bit unfair to bring up something from 20 years ago though? See there's your problem. You think of your relationship in terms of fairness, like it's a competition. It's a partnership, where people support each other. Emotionally it's not done for her. You either care about that... or you care about yourself. And then your behaviour is judged by your standards. Not by the emotional effect on your partner.

I suspect you don't view her as a partner. The same goes for regular sex. Mismatched wants are fine when everyone works with what makes their partner happy. Is it affection, love, orgasms, closeness? What do the two people need? How can everyone get what they need? Rather than "I want sex twice a week and my wife rejects me". "Therefore I wank to porn." People wanked before the internet. Troglodytes wanked. Chimps wank.

Original poster
Gunsastern · 14/07/2017 08:52

@thesparrowhawk I wouldn't be that worried if she wanted to post pictures on gonewild, for example. I don't see the relevance of that question really.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 14/07/2017 10:27

"I'm a completely different person now."

How are you different? From what youve posted, I have no doubt that if an opportunity came along and you thought you wouldnt get caught, youd cheat on your wife without a seconds hesitation.

MuvaWifey77 · 14/07/2017 10:33

How can a person say : porn or our marriage ? Weird ....

Porn is not at all cheating . What's the problem with porn ?
If it's bringing that much problems , regardless of how much of a catch you seem to be (not) , maybe you two aren't really made for each other.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 10:37

You've broken her trust. That's the bottom line. And you've broken it several times.

I would say that yes everything stem back to years and years ago when you broke that trust, treating her badly (only every two weeks after having a child?? I can see it's not you who have had to push a child out of your vagina and who is then expected to use said vagina for the pleasure of someone else).
Regaining that trust is HARD and you need to work at it and PROVE that you worth of trust again because youve REALLY changed. You can't just move on and draw a line under it. You clearly have never had your trust in your partner destroyed before.
What you have done though is changing very little, expect you to just move in and no forget. And then you wonder why she is reacting so strongly? The answer is simple. She stopped trusting you a long time ago.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 10:40

Btw the one thing that comes out clear and loud from your posts is how this is ALL HER RESPONSIBILITY and that you clearly don't think you have anything to do with it.
After all it was just porn. You are clearly right if it's an issue or not. Whatever your dw thinks about it isn't relevant or important because YOU think it's not important if you wank over other women.

quartofquakingquills · 14/07/2017 10:47

I'm a completely different person now.

If that were true you would actually be someone else, which is clearly impossible however much you wish that could happen. Hmm

Your original question is also not going to happen - you can't convince someone that the truth (or thereabouts) is a lie when all the evidence is to the contrary, especially your attitude.

Your relationship with your wife is now at a stage where it can't be fixed, and bearing that in mind, you could aim to become realistic, dignified and respectful towards others, especially those who you want to trust you in future.

You could start that process by addressing your conviction that whatever you do is right and that others must be made to understand and accept that. But I doubt that you will because from your posts you seem not to have a desire to use that approach, since it is not in your nature, or even understanding.

DixieFlatline · 14/07/2017 11:49

I didn't think there was anything much wrong with just looking at pictures on a screen, and wasn't thinking at the time that I'd said I wouldn't. Lots of men do it. To me there is a moral difference between this and physically getting involved with another person, which I won't do.

Porn is not at all cheating . What's the problem with porn?

I can't face reading all of the thread again, but has there been any indication that that is the DW's problem with porn, or is this yet another attempt to make a legitimate issue with porn into an insecurity thing?

DixieFlatline · 14/07/2017 11:51

Also massive Hmm face at 'looking at pictures' and the girlsgonewild answer to the porn question. Are you trying to suggest you only look at pornographic photos, OP? No videos?

DixieFlatline · 14/07/2017 11:53

*gonewild, not girlsgonewild. Thankfully it's been a long time since I stumbled across that cesspit.

Velvian · 14/07/2017 11:59

If you think that porn is acceptable, you need to be upfront about it. Setting boundaries in a relationship is probably the most important part of a relationship. Honesty is essential for deciding where the boundaries are for both of you. It sounds like you have consistently lied about your own boundaries and your wife has no idea which way is up anymore. Of course she doesn't trust you, you word isn't worth shit.

Sherry1437 · 14/07/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sashh · 14/07/2017 13:40

I don't think I remembered that I promised I wouldn't watch it when I started again. Looking at stuff on a screen isn't a big thing to me.

It's important to her though and you should respect that. You might as well say, "I slept with X but it meant nothing to me"

You sound like you don't give a shit about your wife and frankly not trustworthy in the least.

Original poster
Gunsastern · 14/07/2017 13:41

Thank you @sherry1437, I will look into that.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 14/07/2017 13:45

But people move on from things like that. Lots more people probably have done that kind of thing and not been caught.

Oh well if lots of people do it and don't get caught that totally makes your behaviour ok. Not.

And yes I know lots of people cheat. Doesn't make it ok either.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2017 13:46

Sherry are you selling those fucking "monitors" or summat....you are all over this site like a fucking spambot Hmm

Op, your wife doesn't trust you because you don't sound remotely trustworthy. That's all.

tadpole73 · 14/07/2017 16:02

Look, you obviously feel you are getting a bad time on here and, yes, you are but rightly so.
You obviously want to do the right thing. When trust dissipates, it never totally returns. You've hurt your wife when, in fact you should be protecting her.

But let's stop chastising you and look to see how you can improve her trust:-

Leave your phone lying around or share a mobile with her
Have "Find My Phone" active with her phone
Any iPads, allow her to keep these to avoid you accessing porn when she's not around
Do not have separate logins on any computers. Always have Internet History registering the sites you access.
Delete any Facebook, Social Networking pages.
Possibly change your phone to one you cannot access the internet
Go on your phone a lot less
Print off any details of work related courses i.e. Emails inviting you to the course as proof it's genuine
Call her whilst away on courses
Let her drop you/pick you up from boys nights out
Go out on your own less
Spend quality time together
Be totally open with what you are doing, no white lies about ANYTHING as she prob thinks you're a pathological liar
Don't change plans do as you say you are going to do
Stop eyeing up other women
No sexual banter with others

...... to name a few

Yes, some seem extreme, but it's the only way you will ever gain her trust again