DP has been treating me awfully over the last few weeks/months and showing elements of emotional abuse in his behaviour (see previous thread-- I said I was going to break up with him, but I did not). But he had never done anything even approaching physical until Friday night when we had an argument based on him again not treating me respectfully.
During this he pushed me several times onto a bed (I stood up and pushed back to show him how it felt in an act of defence but other than that didn't touch him). He also punched a light, said I was acting like a 'fucking bitch' and 'cunt'. He knocked/slapped my phone out of my hand, banged it against the wall three times, (I wasn't drunk but he was, and I was trying to write down the horrible abusive things he was saying as a record for the next day to show him). Much worse than all this, ultimately when I was lying on the bed I listed the things he had done and said 'fuck you' . Mainly because I know he dislikes this and I wanted at this point to end the relationship. But I actually provoked him into grabbing me by the leg, dragging me off the bed from a lying position, and dropping me on the floor. My back is very bruised as I was basically dropped from a height. I think he meant to drag me off the bed but not actually drag me and drop me with the massive force he did, but either way it is of course awful and I am still in pain in my back.
I cannot believe I am writing this and I have not broken up with him. But he is saying
-It is the worst thing he has ever done and the worst mistake of his life and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me
-He was very drunk although he knows this is no excuse. He says he will never again drink to excess
-Doing this terrible thing has made something switch inside him and he has realised all the ways he was treating me before was disgusting and he knows he needs to change as a person and will never, ever make me feel terrified again
- He has been reading Lundy Bancroft and other resources since then and quoting them back to me and apologising constantly. He says he wants to be a better man and internalise these messages and actually change
- He wept and begged for forgiveness all night and the next day
-He says his perception of himself as a person has been shattered, he has done something he will hate himself for forever
-He wants to spend forever making me feel as loved as I deserve so this is just the most distant memory-- a horrible memory but one we have got past
-He talked about the abusiveness in his childhood
He has done a fucking terrible and awful thing. I know that. My back is still bruised and the memory of the rage on his face and the fear in my stomach is still fresh. I have told no one as I want to give him a chance after everything he has said to me. I am so in love and now he is saying he will do all the right things and begging for another chance to prove this. Saying things like I will start being the man you deserve and haven't had from this moment. But... everything I've ever read says, they don't change, you can't trust an abuser to change, etc. Is it ever possible? Is it always madness to give someone a chance after an assault like this?