Physical abuse/domestic violence - can it ever really happen just once?

[FraisesFramboises]

DP has been treating me awfully over the last few weeks/months and showing elements of emotional abuse in his behaviour (see previous thread-- I said I was going to break up with him, but I did not). But he had never done anything even approaching physical until Friday night when we had an argument based on him again not treating me respectfully.

During this he pushed me several times onto a bed (I stood up and pushed back to show him how it felt in an act of defence but other than that didn't touch him). He also punched a light, said I was acting like a 'fucking bitch' and 'cunt'. He knocked/slapped my phone out of my hand, banged it against the wall three times, (I wasn't drunk but he was, and I was trying to write down the horrible abusive things he was saying as a record for the next day to show him). Much worse than all this, ultimately when I was lying on the bed I listed the things he had done and said 'fuck you' . Mainly because I know he dislikes this and I wanted at this point to end the relationship. But I actually provoked him into grabbing me by the leg, dragging me off the bed from a lying position, and dropping me on the floor. My back is very bruised as I was basically dropped from a height. I think he meant to drag me off the bed but not actually drag me and drop me with the massive force he did, but either way it is of course awful and I am still in pain in my back.

I cannot believe I am writing this and I have not broken up with him. But he is saying
-It is the worst thing he has ever done and the worst mistake of his life and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me
-He was very drunk although he knows this is no excuse. He says he will never again drink to excess
-Doing this terrible thing has made something switch inside him and he has realised all the ways he was treating me before was disgusting and he knows he needs to change as a person and will never, ever make me feel terrified again

• He has been reading Lundy Bancroft and other resources since then and quoting them back to me and apologising constantly. He says he wants to be a better man and internalise these messages and actually change
• He wept and begged for forgiveness all night and the next day

-He says his perception of himself as a person has been shattered, he has done something he will hate himself for forever -He wants to spend forever making me feel as loved as I deserve so this is just the most distant memory-- a horrible memory but one we have got past -He talked about the abusiveness in his childhood

He has done a fucking terrible and awful thing. I know that. My back is still bruised and the memory of the rage on his face and the fear in my stomach is still fresh. I have told no one as I want to give him a chance after everything he has said to me. I am so in love and now he is saying he will do all the right things and begging for another chance to prove this. Saying things like I will start being the man you deserve and haven't had from this moment. But... everything I've ever read says, they don't change, you can't trust an abuser to change, etc. Is it ever possible? Is it always madness to give someone a chance after an assault like this?

i would never normally say this and havent told a soul, but i want you to do what is right for you and to be happy. i hope that you wont hate me for saying this and that you will come to make a healthy and safe decision where you feel protected. i really hope that people will not dislike or judge me for admitting this. it's just his answers remind me of myself...

it can happen once. i am absolutely mortified and ashamed to say that i was ONCE abusive to dp. nothing terrible, i never hurt him, but no form of abuse is acceptable whether it be emotional, verbal, mental, physical etc. sometimes people can make a one off mistake. years later i still feel very guilty about it. i never thought i could have been that type of person and was shocked at myself. i hated myself for it. i think it may have had to do with the fact that i had a mc and was very depressed about it and dp was being emotionally abusive. but again, there is never an excuse!
nothing like that had ever happened before, and nothing has happened since. we are now very happy with a baby on the way.

again, do what the right thing is. dont be fooled by love. remember to protect yourself. but i just had to post because the way he was talking reminded me of my mistake. i said the same things and really really meant it.

just read that through and thought i better say that i was not physically abusive.
good luck op. i hope you make the right decision

I had an almost identical experience (the first time he got physical he was wasted and dragged me out of bed by the ankle), probably about 3 years in. He was full of remorse the next day (and adamant his drink had been spiked), was going to anger management yada yada (whatever he needed to say to convince me to stay).

Turned out that actually he was just an abusive cunt and the physical intimidation slowly ramped up again until it involved him being sober and trying to strangle me about 5 years later. I adored him and believed he could/would change. He didn't. The shitty behaviour just slowly seeped into everyday life and like the boiled frog I didn't notice til far too late. If I could have my time again I'd have left then and there.

You may love him now but he will not change and the love will eventually evaporate. And then you will look back and wonder why on earth you stayed and wasted all those years.

You say in your op you 'provoked him into' dragging you off of the bed and dropping you on the floor.
You did NOT provoke him. See, you are already trying to blame yourself. You were telling him what he was doing was awful and he escalated it. This is ALL on him.

It always escalates. As if did that night. You can get your bottom dollar, next time it would be even worse. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you are in a great place to leave right now and not look back.

No dc? Run, run like the wind!

Omg. Read it again and picture your daughter as you. What royld you say to her?

Go to the gp, tell them how it happened. You may find it easier to tell someone neutral first and this way it's on official record if you need it.

But please do tell your mum. You need the support.

Thank you so much everyone for your wise advice.
He keeps saying 'OK so say if 99 percent of abusive men don't change.... couldn't I be the one percent? I don't just want to change in this relationship I want to change myself' etc and I so want to believe him.
Sorry if it was not clear he isn't a GP he is a junior doctor, I have booked an appointment with a GP. He didn't prescribe anything just examined it and gave me ibuprofen and heat packs etc. But I agree I need to see a proper GP so it is on record.

Leave him, this isn't love.

He could have seriously harmed you, even this that me he's bruised your back and broken household possessions.

Leave him, why hang around wandering if he'll do it again. If you hang around, then you'll use the excuse you've been together too long to walk away.

Just leave, you have nothing binding you to him, run fast. Tell your mum about him, make it impossible to stay with him.

He's violence is a complete deal breaker.

The crying and begging for forgiveness is a classic response of an abuser, there's tonnes of threads on here where violent partners do just this.
Being drunk is no excuse for being violent. Are you going to fear for your life everytime he has a drink? Leave him.

AhYerWill - that does sound scarily similar.
Thanks Fuzzywuzzy. I know you are most probably right. But is it ever possible for them to change? Like ever ever? He's been awful several times lately as detailed in my other thread but he has been the love of my life, my best friend, the biggest laugh, the person I talk to for hours a day for two years. I just can't believe how hard I am finding it to cope with the idea of ending it. I never realised I was so horribly weak.

You're right I have no reason to stay.

You are not weak. You knew to talk to other women about it, you knew it was wrong. Tell your mum, tell whoever you feel like. Never hide that you have been abused, never cover your abusers arse.
Walk tall and start again. There are loads of other potential partners out there, including quite a lot who have the potential to be just right for you.

God Op I've now gone and read your other thread. I just have to say. Even more emphatically than in my previous post. Get out of this relationship! Do not move in with him. Tell someone in real life, go to a doctor and get a police report. Do not move in with him, you are worth so much more than a lifetime of this. Don't get suckered in. If it's like this now, think of what it will be like when you're stuck home with his babies, being his skivvy indoors, and being verbally and physically abused - because that's what he'll have you doing. He will continue to wear you down. Even what he's done up until the point of becoming violent, that is considered abuse. He has been abusive up until this point, only now it's turned physical. Don't let this relationship continue, get out while you have no children or financial ties to this man, you're still so young and seem so kind and sweet. Get away!

He keeps saying 'I will try to win your love and make amends for what I did (although I know I can't take it back or ever heal it fully) every day for the rest of our lives. I have realised the way i have been treating you even before this incident was unacceptable. I am going to look at the way I relate to and treat women, read and internalise anything I possibly can, etc etc' -- he seems genuinely remorseful beyond anything I have seen. Is it still not possible someone could do this once? I so want to forgive him.

Sorry just read the most recent replies - thank you for your kind and helpful words xx
He has taken ownership for how he's been treating me throughout the relationship and said he wants to change himself in relationships not just own up to and make amends for the specific incident. But I don't know.

No, and he's been abusive up to this point and has been outrageously violent and aggressive. You don't owe him the luxury of 'trying' to improve. The next thing will be that you're pregnant, the abuse is ramped up a notch, you can't leave as you'll be homeless, can't do it to the kids etc etc. He went mental at you because you queried why you can't meet some of his family, and you've been together 2 years? None of this is normal or acceptable. This doesn't have to be your whole future, you don't live together yet, do not take this relationship further, I beg you to love yourself more than you think you love him. You deserve better than this abusive pig, really you do.

Just read your previous thread. Sounds like things have ramped up from his "This is your last warning" comment.

This will not be an isolated incident. The fact that he is full of remorse is probably due to the fact that he is a doctor and is shitting himself that you may report him. Don't be fooled into thinking that he's genuinely sorry for what he did to you, I don't buy that for one minute. Not with his previous form.

He keeps saying 'I will try to win your love and make amends for what I did (although I know I can't take it back or ever heal it fully) every day for the rest of our lives. I have realised the way i have been treating you even before this incident was unacceptable. I am going to look at the way I relate to and treat women, read and internalise anything I possibly can, etc etc' -- he seems genuinely remorseful beyond anything I have seen. Is it still not possible someone could do this once? I so want to forgive him.

He can be remorseful and still be abusive and do it to you again. Why do you have to be his guinea pig working out the shit from his childhood? You are an entire human being worthy of being loved without being knocked about. You deserve better.

Tell him you are delighted he is going to work out his problems and when he is a fully functional emotionally healthy human being who doesn't assault women, you'll be thrilled for him.

Meanwhile you deserve better. you really do. His problems are not your responsibility. And the remorse etc sounds so f-ing dramatic - like he is starring in his own badly written soap. He loves being the centre of attention, loves it being all about him (even if it is about him behaving badly), loves the drama, can't control himself. Get out.

A truly repentant man would have said "I can't believe I behaved so badly. I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve you. I hope you get the happiness you deserve in life". Not foist his sorry self on you despite your misgivings (because in his world he is the greatest prize of all - not you)

Tell your mum - if he's genuinely remorseful and wants to change then he would want you to surely, as he'd want you to have that support and he'll want to go down on his knees and beg her forgiveness for treating her daughter like a punch bag and dragging her around like a rag doll.

Tell your friends. He'll want there to be others looking out for you surely? To help keep him accountable on his path to becoming a better man? (Because it's such an epic journey isn't it, so hard to not push, drag or otherwise assault your partner?)

Ask yourself what he'd do/say if you told other people about his actions, I get what you're saying about not wanting to because that makes it real and means it's definitely over, but really ask yourself what his reaction would be if you did. You'll have your answer then to hoe genuine this new leaf of his is.

It's never just once. (Related - what do you know of his past relationships - I wonder if it would be worth invoking Claire's law here, not that nothing being reported against him means he's not been violent before, but it's worth checking).

Leave. If he's really that mythical 1% who is going to change because he wants to and he has seen the error of his ways then he can do that without you, he can work on all these demons, give up alcohol, etc etc whilst you get to protect your physical (and emotional/mental) safety. If he doesn't still want to work on becoming that perfect man without you, then he doesn't really mean it does he?

Thing is OP you don't have to stay with him for him to change do you? If he's so intent on 'fixing' what's wrong with him he can (and should) do so away from you so there's no risk to you while he's still a work in progress.

That's what I would do, send him away (or you go, whichever works best for you) to work through his issues, get therapy etc, if he cares so much about you that shouldn't be a big ask should it?

While he's doing that I'd recommend you do the Freedom Programme, learn about abusive relationships and how to avoid them. I suspect by the time you've done that and he's gone through the motions of addressing his issues you won't take him back in a month of Sunday's, which is as it should be frankly.

No he hasn't taken ownership of his behaviour he has taken ownership of you. He won't change this is a man who with so few pressures can treat you appallingly then physically repeatedly assault you. Try grown up life - illness, kids, years of broken sleep, redundancy, parents ill or dying or dead, health problems and wonder how kind he would be under pressure. My husband was up at 5.30am today, he worked a full day, came home at 6pm played with the kids and did tea before going to see an ill parent 2hrs drive away. He will be back tomorrow in time for his next shift and he will cuddle us tell us he missed us and would never even when knackered and ill and stressed be anything g more than a bit grumpy. He is rarely that actually - that's love. Putting others first. Your partner is dangerous, manipulative and he isn't really horrified that would have stopped it at the first verbal transgression.

You provoked nothing - do the online freedom programme and work on how you could want to share yourself with someone so hostile to you. If he was sorry he wouldn't assume any right to have you in his life.

I think it is possible my bestfriend was slapped by her husband she kicked him out but he had counselling and they eventually rekindled things. They are now one of the happiest couples I know he is a very different person.

I haven't read your other thread - but one thing that stood out in your op was you said he said he wouldn't drink to excess again
so he isn't even thinking of giving up booze.
LTB

Please leave.

His behaviour has been escalating. It will continue.

I should have left with the early warning signs but I didn't. I stayed, then I fell pregnant and then I was stuck, and it did get worse. Then it got better. Then it got worse.

There was always the tears. The sorrys. The I can change. He always seemed so genuine too. But the abuse never stopped, and it became more manipulative so I ended up believing I provoked him. If I was better, he wouldn't have to do xyz.

What he did to you was appalling. If it was a stranger he'd be charged with assault and facing court! But a partner gets away with it? No wonder he's apologising.

He can be that 1%, and he can do it on his own, without you.

What advice would you give to a friend? Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL?

I didn't, and that's why I stayed far longer than I should have.

Please don't be treated like this. You deserve someone so much better than this. Nobody who loves you would ever do that.