Physical abuse/domestic violence - can it ever really happen just once?

[FraisesFramboises]

DP has been treating me awfully over the last few weeks/months and showing elements of emotional abuse in his behaviour (see previous thread-- I said I was going to break up with him, but I did not). But he had never done anything even approaching physical until Friday night when we had an argument based on him again not treating me respectfully.

During this he pushed me several times onto a bed (I stood up and pushed back to show him how it felt in an act of defence but other than that didn't touch him). He also punched a light, said I was acting like a 'fucking bitch' and 'cunt'. He knocked/slapped my phone out of my hand, banged it against the wall three times, (I wasn't drunk but he was, and I was trying to write down the horrible abusive things he was saying as a record for the next day to show him). Much worse than all this, ultimately when I was lying on the bed I listed the things he had done and said 'fuck you' . Mainly because I know he dislikes this and I wanted at this point to end the relationship. But I actually provoked him into grabbing me by the leg, dragging me off the bed from a lying position, and dropping me on the floor. My back is very bruised as I was basically dropped from a height. I think he meant to drag me off the bed but not actually drag me and drop me with the massive force he did, but either way it is of course awful and I am still in pain in my back.

I cannot believe I am writing this and I have not broken up with him. But he is saying
-It is the worst thing he has ever done and the worst mistake of his life and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me
-He was very drunk although he knows this is no excuse. He says he will never again drink to excess
-Doing this terrible thing has made something switch inside him and he has realised all the ways he was treating me before was disgusting and he knows he needs to change as a person and will never, ever make me feel terrified again

• He has been reading Lundy Bancroft and other resources since then and quoting them back to me and apologising constantly. He says he wants to be a better man and internalise these messages and actually change
• He wept and begged for forgiveness all night and the next day

-He says his perception of himself as a person has been shattered, he has done something he will hate himself for forever -He wants to spend forever making me feel as loved as I deserve so this is just the most distant memory-- a horrible memory but one we have got past -He talked about the abusiveness in his childhood

He has done a fucking terrible and awful thing. I know that. My back is still bruised and the memory of the rage on his face and the fear in my stomach is still fresh. I have told no one as I want to give him a chance after everything he has said to me. I am so in love and now he is saying he will do all the right things and begging for another chance to prove this. Saying things like I will start being the man you deserve and haven't had from this moment. But... everything I've ever read says, they don't change, you can't trust an abuser to change, etc. Is it ever possible? Is it always madness to give someone a chance after an assault like this?

My ex attacked me once when he was drunk. We went to Relate and he had anger management counselling.

I said to the Relate counsellor that one of my misgivings was that 'it never happens once' and she said sometimes it does happen once and if the issue is addressed and action taken a couple may stay together without it ever happening again. But you can't just cross your fingers and hope. If he really wants this to be the first and last time he will have to address his drinking and his anger issues, and as a couple it would mean changing the way you communicate and making commitments to each other about how to go forward.

One of the things I had going for me with my ex was that we didn't live together. I'd be hesitant to live with someone or be alone with them in the wake of this incident. I'd want him to demonstrate that he wants to change and that change is taking place before I'd try again. Otherwise you're just trusting that he has the will and power to change and that isn't really enough to ensure that you're safe.

This isn't the time for tears and promises, he really needs to demonstrate that he is taking action.

Can I just add that the tears and promises and drama around this incident mean nothing good. If anything this is how the pendulum swings, from anger to regret. What matters is action. Nothing less. If he apologises and weeps but does nothing to address his behaviour, I wouldn't consider this a safe and viable relationship.

Think of it this way, addicts always regret terrible things they do when under the influence, but unless they're doing something legitimate about it - going to meetings, seeking treatment etc - it's just talk. He needs to demonstrate that he is pursuing professional help.

I agree that you should leave him

As others have said if he's really genuine about working out his issues then let him do that on his own but you don't need to wait for him to do so or help him while he's doing it.

If you forgive him then he's going to hit you again. Maybe not immediately; he might be nice for a while but eventually you will argue and he will hit you because by forgiving him you've shown you can accept this behaviour in the relationship.

but this isn't just once.this is an ending to a long line of things you've mentioned being wrong?
to me when someone crosses that line its crossed a f*king point that no one should ever do.you cnt go back from that."normal"men/woman don't even have the thought to hurt or do something like this kind of abuse.it should never enter someones minds. for me for someone to do this mean something in them just isn't I duno .isn't right!ad I couldn't tell someone I no or hear what you saying to forgive.because even once is crossing a line that should have been never even gone close to.
I'm not making sense.i think because I cant make snese of abusive behaviour.
but can you love someone that would do this.i don't no how I could.or should.the line was way before this incident.to even get to this inident happening means its too far.

Oscar Pistorius was in floods of tears and full of remorse throughout his trial for shooting his girlfriend dead.

Dear God, he's a doctor?

OP - you know (and HE knows) that a police record will do untold damage to his reputation and his career. He is desperate for you to believe him, to STFU, to have it all brushed away. He is saying and doing all the right things, in the hope that he can airbrush it all away.

BUT- if you stay, you are giving him permission to do it again. Personally I wouldn't give him the chance. I'd be out of there, love or not. (Plenty more men, lovely men out there)

Whether you report him or not (personally I would) I'd be out of there.

Why not try giving him a year? If he can keep his temper while he 'courts' you back, if he does 'Anger Management', if he does MORE THAN JUST WORDS, for a year, I'd think about it.

But i bet he will expect you to have forgotten and moved on, by this time next week. And will be abusive if you haven't!

fraises,

Is a fear of him also stopping you here from leaving him?. Abuse as well also thrives on secrecy.

Its only a matter of time before he beats you again or puts you in hospital or worse still the morgue. Do not think he is not capable of doing such a thing to you. He to date has been testing your boundaries to see how much you will put up with from him. He does not love you; he does not know the meaning of the word. And for that matter nor do you because what you describe here is an abusive relationship in many of its manifestations. All your words are those of an abused woman and you are very much still in the cycle of abuse. That is also a continuous cycle.

I think you were targeted and deliberately so by this man because he saw something in you that he can and has indeed fully exploited to his own ends. You may for instance be totally at one with yourself and confident in your work life but in your personal life your self worth and esteem may be far lower. He honed in on that and your innate vulnerabilities to bash you over the head with, he wants to bring you down with him into his pit. He will destroy you totally because he hates you along with all women and his mother.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, was your own childhood also a sheltered one?.

He should not be reading Lundy Bancroft either (it also says in that publication that its not for abusers to read); he will use that knowledge gleaned from that publication to further control and manipulate you. Indeed he has also done that.

Your love for him is more likely than not based on some unhealthy codependency or the hope against your own experience to date that he will change one day. He won't; this is who he really is. His own family background is dysfunctional and you probably on some level want to rescue and or save him. This man hates women, all of them starting with his own mother and seeing you in that same light. He honestly feels he has done nothing wrong here.

Do get your injuries as well properly documented by the GP and call Womens Aid.

If he really wanted to change and he genuinely wanted what was best for him and you he would let you leave and would seek specialist help with his anger.

He may well believe he can change and he may want to . It depends on how long he has been violent in relationships and how addicted he is to that feeling of power and control he gets when abusing someone weaker than him.

He can't change by reading books and "internalising" them . He needs real help. Also the more he abuses the more it becomes "acceptable" to him.. It becomes an impossible habit to break.

He will need to give up drinking forever if he genuinely wants to change . Do you think he is willing to do even that? Certainly not from "reading books"

The ONLY way he can change (and it is a slim hope) is if he stops having relationships for a long time while he works on himself, stops drinking forever and gets specialist counselling/ therapy aimed at men who abuse. Is he willing to be THAT honest with himself? I doubt it.

He just keeps telling you about a fantasy relationship where he will treat you like a princess/queen ( just another form of control).

Having a real relationship means accepting others are free individuals and dealing appropriately with the frustration that sometimes causes. You partner is not capable of that at the moment.

So leaving is essential for you and even better for him (if he really wants to change). You are not safe with him.

This is assuming he is not someone who is just a manipulative araehole who enjoys his addiction too much to ever genuinely want to change ( by far the most likely scenario)

If this were a true one-off (if they even exist), then it wouldn't have been built up to after months of treating you horribly, would it? He has been showing you for months what he is like as a person - you need to believe the evidence. Fwiw the emotional abuse and foul way of speaking to you would be reason enough to LTB even without the violence. What a disgusting excuse for a man he is.

By prescribing for you he is already in breach of GMC guidelines. A caution for DV would put his registration at risk. As a pp said, he is shitting himself at this prospect, not at losing you. His actions strongly suggest that he hates you. Words are cheap.

You didn't provoke him into dragging you about and dropping you on the floor. You have listed lots of violent and aggressive behaviours. Run.

I agree with Attila, either consciously or not, he is testing to see what he can get away with/ what you will put up with. He will apologise and promise the Earth as they all seem to. Even if he never hit you again - very unlikely - you are still living with an angry violent man who will be aggressive, threatening and frightening every time he is stressed or their is conflict. You will modify your behaviour so you don't 'set him off' and make excuses for him. You have already.

From your last thread, you are about to move in with him. I'm only surprised he didn't control himself until you moved in before he started attacking you. This is very worrying. Please don't do it.

How are you today op? Lots to think about yesterday. It's good that you are writing everything down and reading lots of things about how people behave in relationships.

Although you mentioned you never realised you were so horribly weak I think actually you are building strength. This takes time. Sometimes you are strong too.

Thank you for all your replies. I am trying to take in and understand what you are saying.
Just a couple of clarifications- He isn't usually a big drinker. He's not an alcoholic and can go months without it. He usually has a take it or leave it approach to alcohol so even the drinking is out of character. Also, he didn't prescribe anything for me just gave me ibuprofen and paracetamol and heat packs.

Attila in answer to your question I had a good childhood.
I know it's been building for months but he says it's like a switch has flicked inside him where he says he realises what he has been doing.
I don't feel scared of him, in terms of scared of what he'd do if I left the relationship. He has said he would accept anything I chose at this point.

I have just accepted a promotion in my home town starting in January so will not be moving in with him . I haven't broken up with him yet though.

I'd run like the fucking wind, all the way to my GP. And then to the police station.

Rizlett I am feeling bad today. On Monday I felt fine but I think that was because I was sweeping feelings under the carpet and he had been begging for forgiveness etc all weekend. In the week I am away from him so it feels different.

Give yourself plenty of time fraises. Sometimes the more time we spend considering our options the better the outcome is.

What would you like to happen next?

He sounds horrendous on your other thread alone. a few people predicted he would hit you next.

I know someone who it only happened to once. They have been married 45 years and it happened about 40 years ago. They are both volatile and I couldn't live with the arguments but I guess we are all different. He hurt her once and never again. Other people I know it has escalated. I think it is unusual for it to only be once.

If you stay with him I think you should be insisting on anger management for him or counselling or something. Don't just take a chance, you take charge.

I hope you make the right decision.

Oh Fraises I have just read your other thread :( In it you said that you are happier since you stopped counselling because then you don't have to look at how wrong this is.

He has been building up to Friday night for a long time. He's scared you'll report him and that will be the end of his career. He isn't worried for you; he's worried for him. If he cared about you the way you care about him, do you think he'd treat you like this? Constantly belittling you, putting you down, shouting at you for crying, swearing at you, shoving you, smashing your phone, dragging you around?

Come on - what he feels for you isn't love. He treats you with utter contempt.

"He has said he would accept anything I chose at this point".

He is lying. Do not let your heart overrule your head here. Take the rose glasses off now and look at this in the cold light of day. He physically hurts you to exert his power and control over you. He will not let go of you at all easily now he has you well in his carefully constructed web. You will in all likelihood have to plan your exit now from this very carefully and with help.

You need to get your injuries at his hands properly documented as well. He is only concerned for his own reputation here.

Where are your family and friends here, what real life support have you got here?.

I would also seek counselling for your own self going forward so you determine exactly how and why you fell for him in the first place. Are you amongst other things a people pleaser, a rescuer and or saviour in relationships?. He has tested you from the early days to establish exactly how much you will put up with from him. Abuse like you describe is indeed insidious in its onset but it has and will escalate further if you remain at all with him.

Look properly now at what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. Your love for him is not love at all but is perhaps based on some unhealthy codependency. I maintain that he targeted you and deliberately so as well. What were you like as well before you were unfortunate enough to cross paths?. You are probably now a mere semblance of your own former self which is what he wants as well.

Congratulations on the promotion. Obviously you are a pretty dammed amazing human.

He won't stop while it is a secret. If he wants to change, he needs third parties. Has he told his parents he fucked up and assaulted you? Has he told his parents? Has he told someone at work and sought counselling?

Walk away, it won't be easy. Keep up with contraception as it is likely that you will accidentally shag him in a moment of weakness. If he wants to change he can do it without you. He can't change in secret. It will take years. Nobody will ever be able to guarantee he has really changed (not even him).

Think of you relationship as a mirror. It gets dusty, you clean it. It gets a bit tatty, you restore the frame. The glass cracks in the corner, you decide whether or not you can live with it. You smash the glass, no amount of glue will truly sort it. He smashed the glass.

He doesn't mean that he will accept what you choose. He will be difficult to get rid of. You need a firm plan and I agree with telling your mum and friends to support you.