Physical abuse/domestic violence - can it ever really happen just once?

[FraisesFramboises]

DP has been treating me awfully over the last few weeks/months and showing elements of emotional abuse in his behaviour (see previous thread-- I said I was going to break up with him, but I did not). But he had never done anything even approaching physical until Friday night when we had an argument based on him again not treating me respectfully.

During this he pushed me several times onto a bed (I stood up and pushed back to show him how it felt in an act of defence but other than that didn't touch him). He also punched a light, said I was acting like a 'fucking bitch' and 'cunt'. He knocked/slapped my phone out of my hand, banged it against the wall three times, (I wasn't drunk but he was, and I was trying to write down the horrible abusive things he was saying as a record for the next day to show him). Much worse than all this, ultimately when I was lying on the bed I listed the things he had done and said 'fuck you' . Mainly because I know he dislikes this and I wanted at this point to end the relationship. But I actually provoked him into grabbing me by the leg, dragging me off the bed from a lying position, and dropping me on the floor. My back is very bruised as I was basically dropped from a height. I think he meant to drag me off the bed but not actually drag me and drop me with the massive force he did, but either way it is of course awful and I am still in pain in my back.

I cannot believe I am writing this and I have not broken up with him. But he is saying
-It is the worst thing he has ever done and the worst mistake of his life and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me
-He was very drunk although he knows this is no excuse. He says he will never again drink to excess
-Doing this terrible thing has made something switch inside him and he has realised all the ways he was treating me before was disgusting and he knows he needs to change as a person and will never, ever make me feel terrified again

• He has been reading Lundy Bancroft and other resources since then and quoting them back to me and apologising constantly. He says he wants to be a better man and internalise these messages and actually change
• He wept and begged for forgiveness all night and the next day

-He says his perception of himself as a person has been shattered, he has done something he will hate himself for forever -He wants to spend forever making me feel as loved as I deserve so this is just the most distant memory-- a horrible memory but one we have got past -He talked about the abusiveness in his childhood

He has done a fucking terrible and awful thing. I know that. My back is still bruised and the memory of the rage on his face and the fear in my stomach is still fresh. I have told no one as I want to give him a chance after everything he has said to me. I am so in love and now he is saying he will do all the right things and begging for another chance to prove this. Saying things like I will start being the man you deserve and haven't had from this moment. But... everything I've ever read says, they don't change, you can't trust an abuser to change, etc. Is it ever possible? Is it always madness to give someone a chance after an assault like this?

he says it's like a switch has flicked inside him

Yes, that sounds true. Not the switch he's talking about, though.

Best of luck. You sound very different today.

I think I am gathering the strength to end it maybe. Please keep talking and saying these things. It is helping.

Thank you so much for all your kind and sensible words

OP: this thread chills my bones. I was in EA relationship for the last 3 years (20 year relationship, he was always moody and critical but it got much much worse). He was not calculating in his abuse, it became abusive but I don't believe he was manipulating me on purpose. I think his coping mechanisms got fucked up, his self esteem was rock bottom and he took to belitting me, because in some warped sense it made him feel better. Your partner is being intentionally manipulative and its dangerous. The fact he has read Lundy Bancroft and is throwing you quotes form worries me a lot. Have you read the book yourself?

I get you love him, I get you want to be with him. But this will ONLY get worse. He will get more controlling and he will destroy you. Get out while you can and have no children with him. He sounds like a sociopath to me. Just because he chose a career in medicine does not mean he is a good person. His stress levels will peak and trough in that line of work, and when he is stressed his behavior will worsen. Trust me.

Be strong, if you leave it will no doubt get messier for a while, but you know its the right thing to do else you wouldn't be posting for advice. Keep checking in on here.

You don't have to say you're ending it, even if you are. You may find it easier or safer to say you just want to go and stay with your mum for a bit, and gradually ease away. The most dangerous time is when you're leaving so it's often a good idea to disguise it a bit.

Have you spoken to friends or family in real life yet? I know that will make it more real, but it could help to protect you.

Oh an you have a bit of control here, due to his profession. If he escalates in any way, tell him you will report him to the police and is will go onto his record for criminal checks for future jobs. That would screw his career. Makes sure he knows you know that and won't be afraid to use it. keep all texts, take photos of your back etc. It should make him think and let you leave without too much of a fight.

Just in case.

That's good op - keep gathering your strength and remember its normal to be stronger at some times than others.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

What's your view of speaking to anyone else? It could be anonymous over the phone to someone at womens aid - 0808 2000 247 - or someone in RL?

I don't know if you feel that any of this is your fault - that's often the way we feel in situations like this and it's helpful to get other people's views.

Abuse is a dirty secret that thrives in the dark.
Photograph & document your injuries.
Stop listening to his empty rhetoric.
Consider reporting to the Police.
Report everything to your GP.

Show your mother this thread. Tell close friends.
End it and don't look back.

Okay, you love him, you thought he was the one. Leaving him is going to hurt, really hurt. But you know you have to do it. You owe it to yourself, your parents, your friends, everyone who loves you.

And in a couple of years, when your life is so much better, you will be so so glad you did it.

Maybe he'll sort himself out, let's hope for the sake of the next person he gets involved with, that he does. But you can never even be yourself with him again, because with him you'll always have that little grain of fear, that little element of self constraint, that little bit of shame.

You are young, you are strong. Move on.

Have a look at the cycle of abuse. It is a totally normal element of it that the person shows remorse. It's textbook. So while he's saying he can be in that 1%, it's very very unlikely.

This is what sucks you in tbh. They are so damn sorry. There is always an excuse. Here it was his drinking perhaps. My partner always claimed it was the stress he was under in work. He would cry and beg me not to give up on him because he loved me so much and would show me how precious I was. He couldn't believe he'd lost his temper.

Of course then we'd move onto him minimising it so I doubted myself and we'd enter a period of calm where it was all wonderful because he was so attentive and loving and kind. How do you leave then? You don't leave someone who's treating you incredibly well. You love them back.

I only realised when i left how much i was treading on eggshells all the time. I constantly modified my own behaviour so as not to give him any reason to kick off. Once someone crosses a line you can't ever trust them again. It eats away at you because there's always the threat it will happen again and you don't want to be in any way responsible for triggering something. That is a profoundly exhausting way to live.

I always used to have the sense when away from my ex that 'this isn't right. I deserve better'. It felt terribly complicated when with him. At the end of the day this is an intelligent man. Does he really not know how to deal with his emotions without scaring the shit out of the woman he professes to love? Would you think it was acceptable to drag him off a bed and hurt him? If not, why not? Why wouldn't you cross that line?

You are so lucky (!) in that you are free to walk away. So many women can't so easily because of children. It's very hard leaving someone you love. But I promise you will survive it. And you'll look back and wonder why the hell you didn't respect yourself enough to get out sooner. You can do it

When are you going to the GP?

And what Dust says: he is textbook. He's not some brilliant, tortured, passionate guy, bravely confronting his demons. He's a sad little cliche, a tedious, predictable bully.

I would also add to dusty's excellent post that he can control this - he doesn't hurl abuse at his colleagues or his patients or throw things around. He is choosing to abuse you.

Oh dear. Where to start with this?!

I think it's very worrying that he's been reading Lundy Bancroft. He's going to use it all against you. He'll try to use the fact that he's been reading it as evidence that he is willing and able to change.

Let's suppose for a minute that he might change (he won't, but you want to believe that he will, so here goes). He must call the Respect Phoneline for abusers. He must do the Freedom Programme for men. And while he's doing those things - while he's working on his issues - you need to take a break from the relationship. He needs to give you space. And I suggest you use that space to read "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft (if you haven't read it already?) and get counselling of your own.

Good luck. You need it.

I have told people and texted him it's over and shown my mum the thread. Decision made. Thanks for helping me make the step xx

Wow, wasn't expecting that. Well done.

Now stay away. Block him on every channel.

I suggest you get counselling and/or do the Freedom Programme too.

He cried because if he was convicted of assault, his GMC registration would be at risk and he may no longer be allowed to practice as a doctor.

Go to the police. Fucker.

You brave brave woman. Well done.

Would you consider reporting him to the Police to protect future women he may attack?

As a police officer I see far too many nasty endings and can quite comprehensively say that an abuser will always have the potential to abuse again. Happy to discuss the criminal process by message if you have any questions. Well down again. You've shown guts and strength this week.

So pleased to read your update, well done.

Well done - lump in my throat at your bravery.

Stay safe.

Well done - that's really, really brave of you. You have absolutely made the right decision. Thread is always here if you have a wibble at any point and you don't have any RL support to talk to at that moment.

Please report this to the police, he should not be practicing as a doctor if he is like this. My own feelings are that just sometimes there may be hope for the future if the abuser is damaged themselves and disadvantaged in other ways, and there is professional support available. He will do this again and it will be worse (sorry).

This was a hugely physical and emotional barrage of abuse. Apologies mean nothing. He can't be trusted.

Please break up

Well done OP .

Sorry, didn't RTFT