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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

if your mother is crap sign in and tell me when you realised she was crap.

134 replies

MrsApron · 23/03/2007 22:36

I actually believed my mothers own hype until I had children. Even though I had a very lonely stressed childhood and an abysmal teenage time.

Do you think that everyone "normalises" (sorry can't think of another way to put it)their childhood?

When i look back on mine I am amazed that I believed that we were ok.

OP posts:

chipkid · 23/03/2007 22:37

totally. I have real problems with my mum since having my children. It kind of throws everything into sharp focus!

moondog · 23/03/2007 22:38

How so Apron?

Califrau · 23/03/2007 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenandBlackOtter · 23/03/2007 22:40

i do agree apron

i realised mine was crap at about 12 i think and never looked back

real mums run the hot tap before putting the child in the bath - not just cold

LadyOfTheFlowers · 23/03/2007 22:41

frau, think my dh is realising the same but wont admit it.

controlfreakyfluffybunny · 23/03/2007 22:43

. poor you lot. my mum was pretty crap too, but not evil! just made sure i did well enough to escape to university asap.....

Califrau · 23/03/2007 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runnerbean · 23/03/2007 22:47

I didn't realise how unhappy my childhood was until I had my own children. Lots of lost memories flooded back.
I had hypnotherapy to try and sort out panic attacks and it all came back to that unhappy time.
I have since learnt to accept that it is now past and I have to 'move on'.
But they are just as crap at being grandparents!!!

FrannyandZooey · 23/03/2007 22:50

Yes I had had numerous counselling/ therapy etc and always said "oh yes my childhood was absolutely fine"

I remember the very odd feeling I had when all of a sudden it came to me that no, it had not all been fine

I was about 21 and vividly remember where I was and how it felt

agalch · 23/03/2007 22:50

Yup me too

Blatent favouritism towards my db and all his kids.

FFS i am getting married in 2 weeks and not really keen on a hen night i decide to ask my closest pal and her out for a meal.I love Indian so ask her is that ok? I wouldn't mind if you have somewhere you'd rather go.No says she sounds great.Just let me know she will decide tomorrow if she is coming as "Indian food may upset her tum"

Lets just say if it was my db she would eat shit to make him happy.
Christ i so need to grow up and get over her,you know most of the time i do really like her and then she does something and all the old resentments and petty jealousies come flooding out.

Tortington · 23/03/2007 23:05

i even said today she was good when i was young. dad died when i was four - but shewasnt really good - i remember good bits - it was my nan who held things together my mum lost the plot and has mental health issues. i used to find her arguing with no one - frequently. i mean venomous whispers and shouting whispers - at no one - daily.

shes a nut

but i only bared the brunt of it when my nan moved out when i was 12.

agalch · 23/03/2007 23:08

That sounds awful Custardo

My mum wasnt like that so i always feel guilty moaning about her.Do you still have contact with your mum?

rolloneaster · 23/03/2007 23:13

my mummy was fine if you abided by the catholic line i was chicken and did well had the wit not to do anything she would find out about under her nose and now bless her she has alziehmers poor spelling and i have no real tale of cruelity just having your own kids makes you realise how much they gave up for us. i am very lucky i am on wrong thread and pissed oops!!

Original poster

MrsApron · 23/03/2007 23:14

errrm attmepts to summarise

verbablly abusive intimidating father who bullied us all relentlessly divide and conquer stylee.

mother who was frankly scary, pretty good at slapping, rarely bothered to wash me/brush teeth etc (as a child obv) but by god you got your hair brushed and tied back until you screamed. cropped wasit lenght hair off an 8 year odl without discussion to a 1 inch crop because she was pregnant again and couldn't cope with it. Threatened with the doctor (but never taken, or washed in the mornings) for bedwetting nicely setting up a fear of health profesionals. Rarely spoken to me at all unless it was a row. Stopped speaking to me entirely in my teens because I was bad apparently, would shout at my my younger sister for speaking to me. i was a virgin geek). Stopped doing anything for me at all at about 14, no meals(everyone else got meals cooked) no washing (ditto).
had not of course bothered to tell me this just screamed at me when i asked when dinner was.
She worships at my brothers feet, fetches him meals, did all his laundry when at uni driving a 2 hour round trip to do so. My sister was mollycoddled and still is.

I actually thought it was normal and happy until I had my own children and suddenly realised how I would do anything to avoid being mean to them. I was a shit mixer with other people parly because socially challenged (duh wonder why) and partly becuase bringing anyone back to the madhouse was just a big no. I suppose that is why i didn't really notice that my lot were nuts.

Also becuase the perfect family front was done to such a fine art i thought everyone else was putting a face on too.

OP posts:

rolloneaster · 23/03/2007 23:17

bloody hell apron that is crap [hugs] to you and well done for turning out so lovely

rolloneaster · 23/03/2007 23:17

bloody hell apron that is crap [hugs] to you and well done for turning out so lovely

rolloneaster · 23/03/2007 23:17

bloody hell apron that is crap [hugs] to you and well done for turning out so lovely

Original poster

MrsApron · 23/03/2007 23:19

runnerbean my mother is a shit grandparent.

she lives 40mins away does not work but is always too busy to see my dds. She called me the other week (she wanted computer help) and told me how much she is looking forward to flying out to see my brother's ds in april.

She has seen my girls once since new years day. and that was becuase i forced the issue. we can't go to hers becuase she has two evil cats which I am highly allergic to and the last time we were there one of them nearly bit my dd1 in the face because she walked past it.

she booked her last trip to see my brother flying out on my due date with dd2.

OP posts:

Beachcomber · 23/03/2007 23:27

I can remember feeling really upset when I was pregnant with my first child about a lot of childhood stuff. My mum suffers from depression and is/was an alcoholic and didn't do a very good job of being a single parent.

I think I thought I was 'over' a lot of the crap but it all resurfaced when I became a mother myself.

Original poster

MrsApron · 24/03/2007 00:41

yep beacchcomer that was when i started questioning it.

ffs loads of teachers tried to get me to open up, even the head at secondary. I had no idea why.

Greenandblackotter - you got bathed .

and yes commiserations to those with shit mothers.

I was idly wondering how many of those with crap mothers do attachment parenting or any other not the norm styles of parenting.

Is because you have no role model that you want to aspire to and therefore you go on instinct and if anything err on the side of nice. With loads of evidence based research manuals to back you up

OP posts:

princesscc · 24/03/2007 00:50

Dad died when I was 11, and mother has been bitter & twisted ever since. We clash terribly. The list of her really shitty moments could go on and on, but just to give you a taster.... I suffered teo ectopics in under six months and therefore have no chance of conceiving naturaly again. When I came out of hospital the second time, dh took dd to the pictures to give me some p&q for a couple of hours and she came round. Ringing on the door bell again & again - I was asleep. When I got to the door, she said 'Oh, I didn't think you were in, then shoved a box of chocolates in my hand and promptly fell asleep on the settee! ( the chocolates were Celebrations, btw!)

Next best one of recent years. DH had to have major surgery. Had diverticulisis and had to have 20cm of colon removed. Possibility of colostomy bag at 37, seven hours on the operating table etc. She came round on the morning of the operation, complaining her wing mirror was broken and it was the end of the world. Like I give a shit!

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 01:02

I was about 9.

I was in hospital after a cleft lip op. I woke up, throwing up blood (which was only because I swallowed it, but didn't know that at 9) I asked the nurse to call her & tell her I needed her to come in but she said she had to go to work the next day, so couldn't.

I have never felt more alone.

abitmessedup · 24/03/2007 01:02

Crap mothers..?

Mine allowed me to be sexually abused by her new DH. In fact, she participated.

How's that for crap parenting?

It was only recently that I realised this was not normal

Original poster

MrsApron · 24/03/2007 01:05

nnnice (not)

on hearing that i have to have a minor op (mole removed) she said "xxxx(my brother) had a mole removed" wittered on about it for 10 mins then talked about herself.

on xmas day dd1 was sick, over excitement probably. I mentioned it to various relatvies as we were having everyone round on boxing day. my mother phoned and said that she was no longer coming in case dd passed it on to her. this is after not coming round with any xmas presents for the dds(dd2 first xmas) in advance because she was too busy. dds got their gifts on new years day. my mum had hers on xmas day from us.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsApron · 24/03/2007 01:06

abitmessedup - that is utterly shit. my friends mother did this same, but it was her actual dad. worst betrayal ever.

OP posts:

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