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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

if your mother is crap sign in and tell me when you realised she was crap.

134 replies

MrsApron · 23/03/2007 22:36

I actually believed my mothers own hype until I had children. Even though I had a very lonely stressed childhood and an abysmal teenage time.

Do you think that everyone "normalises" (sorry can't think of another way to put it)their childhood?

When i look back on mine I am amazed that I believed that we were ok.

OP posts:
Spidermama · 24/03/2007 10:50

deep I can't either. There's so much self help literature available which has helped me understand. As for my mum she has had a hard life etc, but there comes a point when you can't let the dysfunction affect you and your own kids anymore. It has to stop somewhere.

I guess we can all learn from our mums mistakes and try not to repeat them, but this entails hard work.

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 10:53

Ifonly...If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to stop sending the flowers to her.

I can see why you do it, and I admire you for being strong enough to do it. But each time you do & you don't get a card/an acknowledgement, she is controlling you. She is rejecting you by not acknowledging your gesture. That is giving her power, which I assume you don't want her to have. I also think, you pray for a card to come as proof that she loves you & does care. That that small gesture form her will heal all your pain.

I have no contact with my mother. Haven't since 1992. I left the UK to emigrate to Oz in June last year. A week before I left I saw her in a post office. She looked right through me...as if she didn't know me. She knew I was leaving, that she will never see me again. But nothing! If she had tried, it would have meant she cared, that she DID love me. But she let me go...she let me walk out of life forever. I'm not proud to admit it floored me. I didn't say anything to her, as the rejection would have been too much, much harder than it was.

But I won't give her the power to know that. I wasn't a bad daughter, but I would see each non card as a rejection & it would kill me inside.

I too spend most of my life thinking I have to 'buy' affection & can't understand how people can love me, when my own mother never did.

Ifonlyhewould · 24/03/2007 10:55

it sure is hard work spidermama. But i do take great pride in loving my children in a way she wasn't capable of with me.

What i find scary these days is when i look in the mirror i look so much like her and i hate it. Its bad enough when you hear yourself saying something that she used to say but when you look in the mirror and see her too.....!

Ifonlyhewould · 24/03/2007 10:59

You are right sandcastles, that is exactly how i feel. I do torment myself with the 'should i or should'nt i' when it comes time to send the flowers. I don't know, maybe i should stop.
I do know that I want rid of all these hang ups and feelings i have as a result of all this with my mother.
And i want to be loved because of who i am not bcause i have 'bought' it.

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 11:06

Apart from the part about sending the flowers, I could have written your last two posts. Even the similarity in the mirror...it really scares me. I don't want to be like her, in any way! I think you should do what you feel best, but I do think the whole rejection thing isn't helping you. Next time she is expecting the flowers, think how she will feel not to recieve them....how will that make YOU feel?

I have tried not to let it effect me. But times it does. I miss having a mum, sharing all my news, showing off my daughter to her...but I don't miss her. I deserve better...she wasn't the one I deserved, therefore she doesn't deserve me.

I now have a wonderful MIL here, who is teaching me to cook fantasic food (I can cook, but basic stuff), who treats me the same as she treats her daughter & who I love to talk to & share my day/daughter with. She would do anything for me..whether that be becuase of who I am, or because I am married to her son, it makes me feel like I am worth more than my mother ever gave.

Ifonlyhewould · 24/03/2007 11:19

That is so nice sandcastles

I am no going to give some thought to the flowers. This thread has made me realise if i want things to change then i have to make that happen.
Not sending them is going to be a major step. Gosh this all sounds really silly and weak but im feeling nervous just at the thought of it. Her bitter, angry face, giving her reason to think ill of me. But i dont get anything positive out of sending them either. Sorry for rambling, im working my way through things

colditz · 24/03/2007 11:31

IONLY - if she ever asks you why you stopped sending flowers please reply with this "Because you never said thank you"

And you must believe that it is a good enough reason to stop sending someone flowers. If someone never says thank you, they do not deserve them, and if she doesn't know that it's high time she learned!

Christ, reading this thread, I never want to moan about my mum again!

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 11:35

Ramble away! If it helps you, even a bit!

You are not being a bad daughter by not sending them, you know that...right? You are just making a statement that you no longer feel the need to make this gesture, as out of it comes no good, only pain & sorrow.

I wish you luck...if you want to chat more I am here. But I would like to know what the outcome of the thoughts over the flowers are.

It will be hard the first time you don't send them (if that is what you decide) as the little girl in you is used to doing it for her mum. But I hope that with time you realise what a major step it was & you can then begin to heal. Letting go of the past is telling that little girl that she no longer has to be scared or buy love where it cannot be brought from.

Ifonlyhewould · 24/03/2007 11:47

Thank you sandacastles and colditz.

This thread has been a REAL eye opener for me!
Colditz, i live with a man who i constantly try to please, who never says thank you, never smiles at me, just like my mother!!!! (amongst other things but thats another thread) in all areas of my life there is 'my mother', in one form or another. If that makes sense.
I don't think it's just the flowers I have to deal with, if i'm ever going to change my life and how i am there is a lot of things i am going to have to face up to.

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 11:50

You're welcome....I hope you find your answers soon.

Let me know how it goes.

GreenandBlackOtter · 24/03/2007 11:51

i am 'havingatoughtime' at the moment with Ishoos of a different sort - that is a whole nother thread
My mother who i have not spoken to in 10 years has been asked by the police to give a statement which she has done- much to my surprise ...by doing so she has acknowledged the abuse i was subjected to by my father . She has still never even bothered to lift up a pen or a phone receiver or buy a bunch of flowers and dump it on my doorstep. nothing
I REALLY dont want her in my life - dhe never 'mothered' me and does not deserve me - so why does it all still hurt?

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 12:03

I don't know....

I still hurt because I cannot believe a mother can reject her child. I cannot believe that the woman who carried me can feel so little for me, that she let me leave the UK, for good without so much of a 'hello' or a smile. The first thing she did was call my sister & boast tat she had ignored me.

I don't understand what I did that made her not love me. I didn't put myself here, I didn't ask to be born (neither did she apperently).

I look at my daughter and imagine how a mother could not love a child.

It also hurts, because it seemingly doesn't hurt her.

sandcastles · 24/03/2007 12:04

I didn't ask to be born (neither did she apperently). Ask for me to be born, that is.

Ifonlyhewould · 24/03/2007 12:21

Thank you Sandcastles, i will let you know.

I'm sorry you have such a hard time with it too. It feels like a constant headache but without the head pain.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just 'download' everything to a disk!!!

I wish i knew the answer to your question too GBO, I can't help i'm afraid but i can sympathise

I wonder what our children will be saying about us in years to come

Chandra · 24/03/2007 15:21

Oh dear... I'm having a rubish day today with all these memories coming back. Something that was the trademark of my childhood was that always the worst was expected from me. I don't have any single memory of my mother being comforting or loving when I was a child, nothing was ever good enough, and there were several times when she said that she knew I was an evil child (yes, evil, not bad, noughty, or anything of the sort) since I was 4 m old because apparently I kicked her when she was changing my nappies and when she smacked me I kicked her back. It seems that a good amount of her time was devoted to brake any sort of "rebellion" on my part.

My father followed along her lines, although my relationship with him was far better than with her.

And the reason I'm having a rubish day today is that, after many years of problems, DH and I might divorce and... my father rang last night after midnight to tell me he was very upset at the thought that I could be blocking MIL (who is almost a legend in Mumsnet) from seeing DS. It took me 45 min to convince him I was not blocking MIL from anything but, if her son didn't want to spend time with her, I was not going to be insisting him for us to go and visit her particularly after the way she has acted towards us.
Nightmare, it's not that I had expected some support because I'm getting divorced... but I never expected this

Today I feel lonelier than ever.

Glassofwine · 24/03/2007 15:25

My Mum was crap, I think I knew it for sure when I was about 12, but suspected before that.

When she meets people now, she tells them sometimes she was a crap mother.

She's great now, most of the time.

She always put herself first, boyfriends took priority, was never affectionate, slagged my Dad off all the time (deserved, but not the point), forgot to feed us regularly, only wanted me to be at school so my Dad would pay maintainance, Often called me a c**t.

bellarosa · 24/03/2007 20:53

my mum was good in that she loved being a mother, teaching us about the world, nature, art, food, but couldn't handle us growing up or having our own thoughts. She became very controlling and manipulative in our teenage yrs and both me and my sister ended up with ED's as a result of feeling suffercated by her.

She didnt want us to grow up and therefor didn't teach us about sex at all. so when we discovered boys all hell broke loose due to our ignorance and her being in denial! I also had to get my friends mum to take me to buy my first bra, as my mum just didnt believe i had developed boobs!

Hopefully my dd's wont have such a bizarre mumma, but i am my mothers daughter and so i do worry about which bits i'll subconsciously pass on to them.

Dinosaur · 24/03/2007 21:00

Oh, this thread is heartbreaking .

My heart really goes out to you all.

Sakura · 25/03/2007 10:56

I think you can reach a stage where you dont need your mother. It was difficult but Ive honestly reached it. I realised how high the stakes were and I know that if Im ever ill or need help, she wont be there for me because Ive cut her out. I am <strong>on</strong> <strong>my</strong> <strong>own</strong>. And yet, somehow life seems a lot easier and more bearable than when she was in my life. So, not only could she not "mother" me, but she was draining me of all my mothering. Now I have DD, all my mothering <span class="italic">has</span> to be focused on her (and a little bit left over for DH). For one thing when I mother DD, I receive so much in return, and its so gratifying. When I "mother" my mother, by becoming who she wants me to be, letting her control me and hurt me, and still being the understanding and pitying one, there is <span class="italic">nothing</span> in return, except more pain. She drains my postitive feelings out of me. She has no capacity to be a mother, and she hates me for not being a good enough mother to her; the one she thinks she deserves. Nope, I am her <span class="italic">daughter</span>, not her mother, and I donT owe her, and my DD doesnT owe me. The pleasure of having DD in my life until shes big enough to fend for herself is all I need from DD.
Please read "THe COntinuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff. Its more a book about babies than about mothers. Its been called "the work of a genius", and I really think it is. It was written in 1975, but there are updated versions. Its the only book that has really helped me understand that our mothers nothing to give, because they werent given what they needed as a child, so theyre forever searching for their mothers in others(like we are if we expect a man to become our mother and to make us all better, or if we expect sex to do that, or another child or a better house or whatever)

meowmix · 25/03/2007 11:08

Mine was pretty awful due to her alcoholism. At 21 I had to take the decision it was her life or mine and I didn't see her againt ill she was in end stage cancer some 7 years later. I do regret not having a mother but even if I'd stayed in touch for those 7 years I still wouldn't have had that. I'd regret the loss of me much more.

Aufish · 25/03/2007 11:21

Mine was awful and still is. I realised when she first beat me up.

PinkTulips · 25/03/2007 11:39

i always knew my mom was crap and plenty of people agree with me but it's only started to sink in how truely evil she was since having my own kids.

she lives in a parallel universe in her head and twists everything in life to her reality, she's cruel and spiteful, an emotional bully, more concerned with how clean her house is than her own child, a pathological lier, selfish and rude.

my greatest fear is that something will happen to dp and me and she'll get my childdren and inflict her insanity on them

LadyCaress · 25/03/2007 11:44

I didn't realise how crap my mother was till 6 months ago, then it came with a vengeance. It's been a shock to the system to find out just how bad she was, it took counselling and a lot of soul searching before I could confront her with what she did. That confrontation is ongoing, I only did it 3 days ago.

I was sexually, physically, emotionally abused by my stepfather, systematically for years. I wasn't the only one who suffered, my brother and sister did too, but in different ways, they weren't sexually abused, but they suffered every bit as much as I did.

After years of fear I finally spoke up to Mum and she confronted him, he admitted it and she threw him out. I was 13. Within a few weeks, she'd brought him back into the house, made him apologize and promise not to do it again, yeah that worked. The following week, he did it again, so I told her what had happened, she confronted him, he denied it and she told me I was 'just trying to split up her marriage'.

She puts me down at every opportunity, about my weight, tells me 'I'll give this to your sister, cos it won't fit you' or 'give this to sis, no point in you trying it on, you're too big' My Mother and I are the same size clothes!

She's in ill health now, through her own selfishness in continuing to smoke, she'll not be here for very much longer, yet no matter what we say to her, she continues, she won't quit.

It amazes me that we still have any contact with her, because she really was, still is a crap Mum. However I can say one thing, despite the model of a Mother that we had, my sis and I are completely different Mother's to our own children, they come first, second and third in our lives.

PinkTulips · 25/03/2007 11:59

an yes i do sort of do attachment parenting... i bf, co-sleep, carry alot! and generally spoil my kids rotton because i never want them to feel like i did.

i spent my whole life convinced i must have been an accident because she so obviously didn't want me. knowing now that i was wanted i think it was more the shock of my dad daring to love me more than her.... she was no longer his favourite and it enraged her, even though my dad never once stood up for me against her madnesss (although a large degree of it went on when he wasn't around and he's only realised recently after becoming unemployed and being the one in th house with her 24/7 how vicious and needlessly agressive she is)

i tried to kill myself at 11 to escape.... when she found out she refused to let my dad bring me to hospital as it would be to embarressing for her

wuzzlefraggle · 25/03/2007 14:34

Ifonly - i dont have a relationship with my mother either. basic story: she cheated on my dad hideous amounts of times, left him and didnt give a crap about me. then only decided to take interest when i was old enough to babysit my half bro and sis. got even more interested when i was old enough to get a job and therefore give her money.

I now am married - she didnt come to my wedding
I have a beautiful 5 month old DD - which she has never seen as she decided to stop contacting me all together when i was 8 months pregnant.

Unfortunatly shes only interested when there is something to gain from it. The sad part for me is that i always made excuses for her and was sure she'd 'change'. So now ive decided that enough is enough.
Fortunatly my dad is amazing and stands by me and loves his grand-daughter to bits. My DH is brill too and if it wasnt for him, i dont think id have been able to get out of the manipulative relationship she had with me.

Life really is too short to spend it with people that make you miserable imo

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