if your mother is crap sign in and tell me when you realised she was crap.

[MrsApron]

I actually believed my mothers own hype until I had children. Even though I had a very lonely stressed childhood and an abysmal teenage time.

Do you think that everyone "normalises" (sorry can't think of another way to put it)their childhood?

When i look back on mine I am amazed that I believed that we were ok.

I think you are right about letting go of the anger MT, but to be able to do that you have to have been angry first iyswim?

I was only able to move on once I'd finished being angry (still feel angry sometimes as she can still be a bit crap).

My mum is definitely ill and I do feel sorry for her, she is not so bad now and I know that she loves me and my sister so things are not so bad nowadays. Also I live in another country so there is a bit of distance between us

Whilst I found that things resurfaced when I became a mother, I have also found that having my own family has helped me. Children just give us so much love, it is very healing for a bruised soul.

I also read about boarding schools and dreamt of going to one!

Hugs to everybody on the thread.

God,

realised from a really young age thst she was unstable, one minute very happy and hysterical with laughter, next minute practially suicidal. Loads of emotonal blackmail, and she left most of the 'bringing up' of me and my DSis to my Dad. Haven't spoken to her for six months now.

I realise now that she was crap from the following.

1. Not being arsed to get out of bed to get me dressed, give me breakfast and send me to school- instead I would get myself dressed ( im talking from the age of 5 here) go round next door to the old man who lived there ( in his late eighties) he would give me my breakfast and walk me to school. He was lovely. ( my dad worked shifts and was never really around in the mornings)

1. never attending a parents day, sports day - or any other kind of day - my dad did whenever he could.

1. making me clean the kitchen, living room and nathroom as a 7 yr old- if I never she would beat me.

1. never giving hugs, never saying i love you, never showing any affection.

1. eventually leaving in the midlle of the night to slope off with her lover, leaving me- my dad and my younger brother not knowing where she was for two weeks.

I love her, I realise now that she was just incapable of being a mother- she was only 17 when she had me and I think she found it hard to cope. I hope its that anyway and not just her being plainly a heartless bitch.

I like to think that im everything as a mother that my mother was not.

My mum was crap, I don't think but looking back she did and said things to me that I think have shaped me today.

What ever I did for her it was never good enough, household chores would be ripped apart and done again by her muttering. I'm now a kind of person that won't try new things because I have an over whelming feeling of not being able to do anything well so what's the point. Also when my parents come to stay I let my mum take over and assume the daughter role again whereas I really want to be able to say - no this is my house I don't NEED you to come and do things. I really beleive I am a worthless/useless person - getting better though!

My mum was always right and again as a result I have found it hard to do things a different way, I am now starting to accept their are better ways of doing things.

My dad used to work away in the week and so mum was left to bring us up really (won't deny that must have been really hard) but he worships the ground she walks on and I will never be as good a mother/wife as she was!

Not sure I am explaining this very well but I know what I mean

My mother was fab until she had my brother.

then she came down with raging PND

I am pretty sure that my experience on being the older child ruined my second pregnancy, to the point where I had a breakdown out of fear that I would have a breakdown

She wasn't a bad mother. She had her faults, and is only human, and my father was a very bad tempered man with me - but he was, and still is, extremely kind too. She was just - weak, in a way.

I am just very very grateful he wasn't the sort of father to sexually abuse his children because I know, in my heart, that despite all her bluster about "I would kill for my kids", she means "I would kill for my son". I would have been quietly threatened into silence - nothing threatened my mother more than a threat to her stability. she used to shriek about "Don't you speak about your father like that, he keeps a roof over our heads, if he left we would have nothing!"

Irony is, he left her 10 years later anyway. Not her fault, his, but I bet she wishes she hadn't worried so much about what he thought now she has to look after herself anyway.

I always knew that her treatment of me wasn't quite brilliant, but when I had ds1 I realised how irrational she was a lot of the time!

I would place my own mother is in the crap category rather than the toxic one.

To those with toxic mothers I would suggest that you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Whilst not a panacea at all it may help you find another way forward.

I smile wryly to myself when I see "Grandparents Day" or "Grandparents of the Year" contests. Would not enter my parents into either.

I've noticed how much more Mum in particular (and my Dad come to think of it) have changed since becoming a parent myself. There were subtle changes before then too; when I met my future husband I think their noses were somewhat put out of joint. Infact when my DH was on his stag weekend and I was at home with my parents I heard my Mum talking about my future DH to Dad in the kitchen. I was so upset at what I overheard I almost walked out there and then. My Mum was afraid that I'd end up getting divorced .

My Mother's priorities these days are cleaning my brother's house (he is both single and childfree) at least once a week, shopping and holidays. In general both Mum and Dad do far more for my younger (by two years) brother and generally try to keep him happy. They've picked him up from the airport in the middle of the night, even when DH and I were a couple we were never collected from the airport (well I never asked because I knew the answer in advance). Its her life after all but we as a Meerkat family unit do not get a look in. I cannot honestly recall when she last saw my son (apart from Christmas that is and we went to their house which is 20 minutes away).

She's never been to any school event like the Christmas play (always cites I'm too busy as a reason) so I no longer ask.

If we go out to the cinema in the evening I use Sitters. Got fed up with being constantly told "no".

We are going on holiday at the end of next week and I asked her yesterday if she is going to see DS this week. She replied that she'll see what things are like around there. She'll probably get some milk in for me.

My parents are both fit and healthy currently. My Dad no longer works and my Mum raised us both at home.

I think there are depressive and obsessive compulsive (this arises to me from the constant cleaning) elements behind her actions, I think I'm going to have to have a chat with my Dad about her behaviours - again.

My Mum only has one female friend whom she rarely sees, the rest of her life is taken up with the above. She is a very solitary animal my Mother. I feel both anger at her disinterest along with a degree of pity. She is an abject example in how not to be a grandparent, well they both are.

My mum is crap and toxic and I have not seen or spoken to her in over a year and it is bliss. I finally saw the light when she was insisting on keeping in touch with my X after he assualted me! She has stopped doing that and insists that she did not support him but I no longer believe a word she says and the further I get from him the more I realise she was part of the problem too.

my mother is pretty crappy now. she was a great mother when i was young, but since i was about 18 she has been pretty crappy.

No 18th birthday present and she didn't come to mt party, didn't come to my 21st, didn't come to my graduation, despite living a couple of hours away she's visited 2 or 3 times since DS was born, she never rings me, and is usually busy if i ring her. I don't know why i bother- there's so much more, but i can't be arsed. I'll be surprised if she even turns up to my wedding for more than 5 mins.

I was led to believe I had a stable upbringing because my parents were still together, and this is what was always drummed into me. It wasn't really until I had counselling that I realised my upbringing was not that great at all.
I still have struggles with my parents now, and feel let down that they have been so unsupportive over my decision to end my marriage.
I still love my parents though.

these threads are therapeutic for me - its lonley being a 'motherless child'

My mum beat crap out of 3 out of four of us
threatened us with knives etc
wished she had never had us time and time again
i had a few cold baths when she would sit me there for hours and keep coming back into the room to pour he water over my head again
Nosebleeds were a normal part of our family life and cold compresses on the bathroom floor
never said she loved
no kisses or hugs
she left when i was 15 -father then commenced his abuse

We will be fab Mums cos we know the hurt a shit one causes

your children DIL?????

but she was starting to hit yours???

Realised it big time when I was 10 years old. I had an accident whereby I put my hand through a thick glass door whilst my mother was not there (only the painter/decorator was).

She rushed back and was faced with blood and gore and half my arm hanging off. Whilst waiting for the ambulance, she hugged me and kissed me and I remember thinking "Ahhh, this is what it feels like to be hugged.... I really like this feeling"

I didnt know what it was like to be hugged.

Message withdrawn

Realised at age 10 but only just admitted it at age 42.

Abusive, emotionally, physically, mentally. Cruel, coldhearted, no love, no affection, no kind words just plain misery.

At age 15 suicide was my bolt hole. I lay on my bed thinking "well, if it gets any worse I can always kill myself" thats what kept me going.

I left at 19 after she hit me so hard around the head with a hairbrush that it broke.
I dont see her or speak to her anymore but every year i send her flowers for mothers day, birthday and christmas. She may have been a bad mother but i am not a bad daughter.

I look back on my life now and see that i have spent all of it looking for love and affection, feeling unworthy of anyone or anything. I have lots of problems and issues as a result of my childhood.

I really do want to let go of all this 'victim' stuff. I want to be a proper happy grown up who has confidence in herself, believes in herself and likes herself.

I just hope its not too late

No none at all. Very occasionally i may see her as i drive through th village and i get the same sick feeling in my stomach as i did as a child. Like i have now just thinking about it.

My mum is not a toxic one at all but was crap. Before me she had another child. He died as a baby. She never, ever got over it. She got pg with me within weeks of him dying. I never lived up to what she wanted. She wasn't deliberately cruel but NOTHING I ever did was good enough. She was smothering and overprotective but in a 'I'd rather you were safe than happy' way. Don't get me wrong she's a good person and she loves me but growing up in that environment has left me with alot of insecurities. I have had counselling, in my first session I expressed my fears about being a 'bad mother' to my psychiatrist and he said those who are on the end of bad parenting and realise it are extremely unlikely to make the same mistakes. I know my story isn't a fraction as bad as what some of you have had to deal with but still each experience leaves it's scars.

ifonlyhewould you make a lot of sense
I also want to let go of this damn victim lable and move forward with confidence
they can no longer hurt me.....