if your mother is crap sign in and tell me when you realised she was crap.

[MrsApron]

I actually believed my mothers own hype until I had children. Even though I had a very lonely stressed childhood and an abysmal teenage time.

Do you think that everyone "normalises" (sorry can't think of another way to put it)their childhood?

When i look back on mine I am amazed that I believed that we were ok.

Yes Wuzzlefraggle, putting up with their behaviour is often easier than finally accepting that theyre never..ever going to change. First of all theyre too old to change. SEcondly, they wont change into the lovely mum we want because that mum is in our mind and doesnt exist in reality. So we keep putting up with her because we cant give up the HOPE that one day shell apologise, realise how stupid shes been and start loving us properly. NEVER going to happen. Admitting that fact was more awful for me than any (well, most) of the things shed ever done to me.

sakura - i read through your posts again, and its same here regarding the parenting of my DD. she still sleeps with me, is breastfed and i too carry her around with me pretty much all of the time. i love being able to make her happy and feel safe, which is something that my mother was never interested in when i was a baby/child. my dad did everything for me, he was a mother and a father really (except he couldnt bf me )

I only truly realised the extent of my parents' incompetence when I was pregnant with DS2.

Mother and Father were just as bad as one another. My mother an unpredictable alcoholic and my dad a control freak with a mean streak which never excluded me.

I was raised in a violent home (dad beat mum, mum beat dad, dad and mum beat me (with fists and hard objects)). Mum tried committing suicide several times .

It was only when I was examining why I was feeling so anxious pre the birth of our second child that I really got to grip with how truly crap it was.

I stopped letting my mother control my life when I was in my mid twenties. Getting divorced from first H, she was upset for herself and the embarrassment it would cause rather than what I was going through. We got the whole, mouth-soap wash, belt and jandal thing as kids and remember vividly being told on one occasion if I went to the social welfare she'd make it worth her while. Was also kicked out of the house at 17 for going on a ski trip with my older brother because he didn't get his car fixed, my bags were packed when we got back! (he was allowed to stay). Now I'm the one who keeps in contact and am stable person with a stable life, whereas my brother is an alcoholic, drug-addled drifter (I love him to bits though) and he's still the golden child.

She was sick as a child and spoilt rotten, I think this had a lot to do with her actions as an adult. If she didn't get her own way, fell into long silences, bad moods etc... She has also managed to alienate/cutoff all of her 12 bros/sis and stepdaughters, plus any friends who disagreed with her. For her own sake I wish she'd just grow up. The different ways she treated her children I can only assume were down to our fathers, she was in love with my DB's father, but mine was abusive to her for the short time they were together, and seemed to tint her view of me.

Now I just get on with my life, living it how I choose and if she doesn't like it too bad.

She has got a lot better in older age. But last crap mothering example: DH and I spent a considerable sum going home to support her getting remarried in Dec, she didn't even send an email acknowledging our second anniversary in Feb.

I do worry about the crapness being passed on to me and visiting it upon my LO due in June, but have to rely on my own strength and DH not to allow it to happen.

This is an unbelievably sad thread, but I feel is somewhat cathartic for many of you.

More power to all of you who have suffered, but recognised the crapness of your situation and refused to perpetuate it through your own mothering.

You have made me truly appreciate my own childhood and feel very sorry that so many have to endure such torment.

What a shocking thread - I'm so sorry for you, having these terrible experiences. TBH, I'm not sure that abused parents always make up for it - it depends on the degree of awareness. I spent much of my childhood watching my aunt abuse and humiliate 2 of her DDs, spoil her 3rd DD rotten and alternate between those 2 with her 4th. I once saw her slap one DD, aged 21, because she wouldn't let her squeeze a spot on her face. In public. She was confronted with her behaviour 10 years ago when one of her DDs revealed she was in an abusive relationship - hey presto she started suicide attempts, to get sympathy, no doubt. Yet (incredibly) all her DDs leave their own kids with her for holidays; the one who has made her own life sends her 2 DDs to stay for weeks at a time. It's terrifying. They won't harm their kids, but they'll leave them with an abusive grandmother - and of course a grandfather who did NOTHING to stop her. Worst of all, when I had my DD, I found myself sounding and behaving like her - she'd had such an impact on all of us, my own mum wasn't 'imprinted' in the same way.

I've done my mother to death on Mumsnet. It no longer helps going over it again.

Now my brothers have turned against me and no longer wish to have contact. They would rather believe her and not rock the boat than stay in touch with me.

I'm sorry for you all and I hope you get to the point in your lives where you can put it all behind you, rise above it and move onwards and upwards. I'm rather glad she is like she is because it has made me who I am, a strong and determined person. I now have my own happy little family and I am determined my children will have all of my unconditional love for the rest of their lives. I can only gain from here on, whereas she can only lose.

Celebrate your own children and your own qualities as a mother. And never look back.

My mum is crap.
I had a miscarriage after and ectopic and a stillbirth, the night after the mc my dh and I needed to get out for a few hours, i asked mum if she could sit with my ds "no i cant, im playing bridge and if i pull out it will be letting someone down"
obs countless more instances, i have now lost the plot with her and cant be arsed to try.

Since becoming a parent I've both developed more sympathy for my mum, in some ways, and become more sharply aware of how crap she was. She was a loving mum and could be supportive, but she basically let my dad abuse us and acted as if it wasn't her business to do anything about it. She also knew about 2 incidences of sexual abuse - one done to me, one to my sister - by friends of the family, and did not disown those friends, but invited them back to our home subsequently. She was just so phenomenally weak. Because of this, though I haven't told her this yet, I don't think I'll ever be willing to leave any child of mine in her care. She doesn't know this yet and the shit will surely hit the fan when I have to tell her.

In a funny way I knew my parents were both crap almost from babyhood - I had an "I will look after myself" attitude for as long as I can remember. But I really consciously realised she was crap at 16, when she told me she'd had an affair. It wasn't the affair, it was the way she told me and wanted me to take the whole burden and absolve her of the guilt. I suddenly thought, for fuck's sake, I'm the parent here, you're the child and thus has it always been.

She's not as bad as some of the mums on here though.