if your mother is crap sign in and tell me when you realised she was crap.

[MrsApron]

I actually believed my mothers own hype until I had children. Even though I had a very lonely stressed childhood and an abysmal teenage time.

Do you think that everyone "normalises" (sorry can't think of another way to put it)their childhood?

When i look back on mine I am amazed that I believed that we were ok.

Ifonly.... I can identify with some of what you have said.

Like you I knew it wasn't right at age 10 or so, but only really admitted to myself how crap it was, at about age 30 or so.

And I so much remember have the 'suicide' secret. I just thought exactly what you have written.

Its very hard to come to terms with all of this, isn't it? I have had huge issues in my life about it and it has so much shaped me in my relationships, NOT in a good way.

If its any help to you.... my Mother died a couple of years ago and I feel I have been able to lay the whole thing to rest a little.... not totally but I don't lie awake every night tormenting myself about it.

I still have to go down to the village I used to live as a child and I have a heavy feeling in my heart, when I do.

I hope things get better for you.

plus I had some therapy and that helped.

No. Never.

I just try so hard to be the total opposite of her. But, even after all these years and despite no contact i feel she still controls and dominates my life. Its always in my head.
It might sound silly but, sometimes, inside, i still feel like that vulnerable little girl who could never do or say anything right, i used to try and make myself as small as possible so she would just not see me, so she would leave me alone.
One weekend i had a babysitting job so i bought her flowers out of my money. She actually smiled and seemed pleased with me, that weekend she left me alone, she didnt speak to me but she wasnt nasty either. From then on i bought her flowers everytime i had money. It bought me some 'love' of a sense.

The trouble is thats hw i became conditioned. I grew up believing that for people to like me or love me i had to 'buy' their affection.

deepinlaundry... you are exactly right. The sense of freedom when she died was enormous. Immediately.

I could be my own person now. Its an awful thing to say, but it was wonderful and that is how I laid it to rest a little in my head.

Its not totally gone and I still have issues, but as I don't have to deal with her now, they fade a bit.

its hard ...
therapy has taught me that you kind of get 'stuck' as a child when you have suffered trauma like this
Its this i need to kick my way out of ...i have had enough of them still influencing who and what i am...easier said than done though

Ifonly... that is so sad. And you still buy her flowers.

I know that feeling of trying to 'earn' affection.... I tried all my life right up until the time she died and I was nursing her through cancer.

Poor you. I hope you can resolve some of it within yourself

Thank you Helliebean. I do sometimes think that when she dies i will finally be able to let go and be a grown up woman, if you understand what i mean.

I can relate to you on the relationship front too, ive only had 2 but both have been with controlling men who i have worked so hard to make love me but never seemed to do.
I always blame myself for not being good enough. But i'm constantly told or made to feel not good enough.

Gosh, this is a powerful thread!

gosh yes Helibean..you do still buy them
do you really think she deserves them?

sorry i mean IFONLY

No. Ifonlys mother doesnt deserve them. But I know why she does it.

You never ever stop trying to change them, trying to earn the love and affection you feel you deserve. I didn't give up till the day she died

Message withdrawn

This is a scary thread!

When I look back at what I was like in my teens and twenties.... and now I have teen DDs, I could weep. I spent my life flitting from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship.... I thought sex meant love.

No, i dont feel she deserves them. I tell myself i send them because i won't lower myself to her level, that she may be a bad mother but i am a good daughter but, maybe subconsiously, im STILL trying to buy some love. I never get a thank you card or a letter but for the first week or so after sending the flowers i watch the post for one, every time. It's sad.

I TOTALLY understand that feeling. You will never stop buying the flowers, or watching for the thank you card.

I carried on like that till my mother died at age 86. Trying to earn approval for things, trying to make her like my DDs, buying her things, doing things for her. She offloaded on me all the time... far more than my other siblings... because if I gave her time I felt she might love me. Its a horrible feeling.

bloody hell this is all too close to the bone - going to raincheck this for now but thinking of you all XXXXX

But my elder sister was her favourite... always had been. She was lovely to her all the time and horrible to me.

This is a scary thread but i'm so glad it's been started. I always feel ashamed of my non relationship with my mother, i feel sort of embarrassed to asmit to anyone that i have no contact and why, Im so sorry for everyone else suffering muh of the same but i am glad to hear that its not just me.

So many of these experiences are heartbreaking. Mine's nowhere near as bad - but I do recognise that feeling of living in an utterly abnormal situation and taking it for normal, for a very long time. I think the full realisation only hit me when my parents cut me out of the family for not leaving dh - although it had begun to dawn in my late teens when I began to realise what a restricted and fraught environment I had been living in.

Ifonly... I think it is so brave that you DON'T have a relationship with her.

I was like a puppy dog. She used to ring me 4 times a day FFS! How pathetic is that... and I put up with it. I never not answered her call, dropped everything and listened to her ramble on for hours. I did and was everything she wanted me to be. I was pathetic.

Be proud you are strong enough NOT to have a relationship. I was a wuss.

Thank you Helliebean
I have never thought of it as strong. But the thought of ever having to face her ever again scares the heck out of me. I wonder a lot these days what i will do when she dies, about the funeral, i really would not want to go, it would feel hypocritical.

Then there is the fact she will be buried with my dad. I loved my dad and visit his grave. i dont feel i could do this when she is in their with him.

She controlled my dad too, made his life a misery. He was disabled so just tolerated it. He was much older than my mum and they 'had' to get married because i was on the way. I always wonder if she hated me because i was the reason she ended up married to my dad.

My realisation was gradual, but became pretty definite in the past year.

My mum only has the capacity to care for herself and what's more she wants everyone else to ignore their own needs and pander to her.