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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if this is the right place - DH insists I have a psychiatric disorder

133 replies

soulsearch1ng · 09/07/2017 09:16

Not sure if I should maybe post in mental health.

Things have been difficult with DH for a while. Not sure if it is me of him.

He insists I have a mental/psychiatric illness/disorder and asked me to seek help and told me I must get a formal diagnosis - otherwise he will leave me and the DC as he cannot cope with me anymore.

I really don't think there is anything 'wrong'. Friends never mention anything. I have worked all my life and never had issues at work. My family think I am normal.

Is it still possible that I have something going on that needs treatment? I am starting to doubt myself Sad

OP posts:
antimatter · 09/07/2017 13:28

so he has time to be fit despite his long hours and not time to help you

OP - he is abusing you, please get help, tell someone close about your situation.

hollyisalovelyname · 09/07/2017 13:35

Love Ceto's post. '...... next time he threatens to leave, offer to help him pack.'

He is the problem.
I hope you get the support you need in rl to get him out of your home. Why should you leave ?

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 09/07/2017 14:06

Please don't listen to your emotionally abusive husband. He is an idiot.

darjeelingdarling · 09/07/2017 14:42

Op, you aren't suffering from any mh illnesses. I'm afraid you have my-husband-is-a-twat-disease.

I agree one good thing would be to go to the gp with the things you've typed here. Then contact women's aid / relate and talk to any close family / friends. Find support, give yourself time to understand what is happening. Then find a way to leave.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/07/2017 15:07

I agree with previous posters: it is him, not you. Imho, he has anger issues and you are his convenient target. That is besides his being very controlling. (Perhaps control and anger go hand in hand-ask the counselor if you book one. Also, get a counsellor that does not believe in keeping families together at all costs.)

In the mean time, can you care a little less what he thinks? You do not need to care what he thinks at all. If you were that awful, then he'd be off like a shot. See: it isn't about you at all. It is about him getting his ego needs met at your expense. If you weren't there and he was with someone else, he'd do the same thing to that person. So let him use someone else.

Are you afraid of him? Or do you not sit down just to stop him shouting at you?

A formal diagnosis will suddenly make him able to "cope" with you? This is just magical thinking. Imho, he is looking for an excuse to leave. Perhaps the one he can not cope with is himself, so he is projecting his crap onto you. Just a guess.

Another thought: is he taking steroids for his sports? These drugs have very serious psychological side effects ('roid rage). If he is, you and dc could be in serious danger. Please check into that asap. I don't think I would trust his word on it either. You get counselling, he gets a blood test.

Theresnonamesleft · 09/07/2017 15:14

Agree with the others. it's not you.
Dont see the gp about your mental illness. Let the twat follow through his threat and leave.
Just think. One person less to run around after. You will be able to sit on the sofa and chill with the dc's. You will be able to spend quality time with them instead of having a bully always at you.

delilahbucket · 09/07/2017 15:14

I had one of these leeches OP. He's the father of my son. He made me believe I was so severely depressed that I was the worst mother in the world and if I split up with him he would get custody because I wasn't capable of looking after a child. It took me two years to work how to get rid of him but by that point I believed I was better than he ever could be and there was no way he would win a custody battle.
Get out now OP. This is only going to get worse.

Original poster
soulsearch1ng · 09/07/2017 17:27

just saw all the replies. was out with the DC.

will read it later and digest it. Thank you all so much. So glad I posted!

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 09/07/2017 19:47

I've not rtft but in reply to this:

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc. It is sort of normal for me. I cannot image a relationship where this is not the case.

I'm regularly pretty crap at housework. Dh walks in from work to me looking shattered and he says "let me get you a glass of wine" and he regularly tells me I'm beautiful (not that I believe him). We're a team so no he doesn't tell me off. He was a bit huffy as he tried to get us out the house earlier and I was being very slow - but he didn't tell me off. He's currently bathing the dc while I make a cup of tea. We all have down times and that's when we need dh to pick up the slack then other days we can return the favour.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 09/07/2017 21:38

Yeah mine told me off and called me names.
He moves out in 2 days.

Thank fuck.

PurplePeppers · 09/07/2017 21:48

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc. It is sort of normal for me. I cannot image a relationship where this is not the case

Nope this is NOT normal.
He is your DH, an equal to you. Not our father or your school master who can tell you off, swear at you, tell you what to do and whether you are doing things right or not.

As others have said, you have a massive DH problem, not a MH problem (even though I suspect he has created some issue, such as poor self esteem and constantly questioning yourself).
As another poster said, contact the WA. Read about abusive relationships. I think you will very quickly realise that he is nowhere near perfect.

You deserve respect OP

Fruitcocktail6 · 09/07/2017 21:48

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc.

No, he doesn't. You really need to get rid of this vile man.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/07/2017 09:39

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc. Nope, not once in 20 years.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 10/07/2017 09:48

What everyone else has said.

At size 8 you can't be fat. Not even if you're 4'8''

If you were size 16 and 4'8" then yes, you'd be fat. It wouldn't excuse his behaviour. Fat doesn't make you worthless, it doesn't make you stupid it doesn't give anyone the right to insult you. So A) he's talking shite and B) even if he wasn't he'd still be a cunt.

Branleuse · 10/07/2017 09:58

You're fine. He's the one with issues

corythatwas · 10/07/2017 10:13

An ordinary decent husband is one who can't be happy unless his wife is happy too. Sounds like yours can't be happy unless you are unhappy.

Think about it! Is that normal behaviour for any decent human being? What would you call a child who had that attitude? Who couldn't be happy unless they've made the people around them unhappy? You wouldn't think that normal, would you?

MattBerrysHair · 10/07/2017 18:23

Op, I actually do have mental illness and my dp has never called me names or criticised me for crying, if the house is a tip, if I forget stuff etc. This is because he loves and respects me. Your douchebag is gaslighting you into thinking you are mentally unstable in order to break you down and assert his dominance. Almost everyone would react with tears or anger to such abuse. Only a very few poor souls would take it as a cue to 'better themselves' and that is only due to severe lack of self-esteem.

AudTheDeepMinded · 10/07/2017 19:28

Hello OP, well done for plucking up the courage to post here. This is the start of the rest of your life, try to make the most of it. Read all the advice and access all the help suggested. Things will get better.

Out of curiosity, were you very young when you got together with him? Had you a difficult relationship with your parents? Have you been in a previous relationships that have been abusive? Sometimes early experiences can 'condition' us to accept treatment as normal and acceptable that really is not. Break the cycle, get out, get some support and flourish and thrive.

springydaffs · 10/07/2017 22:59

I don't think it's easy to go straight from being ground down by years of abuse to talking to a solicitor. You need some support to get you to the point where you can talk to a solicitor.

Call Women's Aid. National helpline is 0808 2000 247 but lines are busy during the day so call at night if you can; though it's probably best to call your local Women's Aid office. If you can't immediately get through on either number then do leave a message with your contact details and a safe time to call you. Women's Aid are wonderful and will really help you practically and emotionally.

Women's Aid will recommend you do the Freedom Programme. I have linked you to the 'find a course' page. This is a wonderful course, you meet other lovely women in a similar position and you learn about abusive behaviour, how abusers do it. It's an eye-opener and will sort your head out in record time.

Once you have all that support in place you may feel strong enough to see a family solicitor (Women's Aid will give you a list of good local family solicitors). Many offer a free first half hour where you get a good idea of what you can expect - I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised how well the law provides for you and the kids. If you feel strong enough now then do contact a solicitor if you're up to it while you're getting the WA and FP support going.

Plenty of us have been where you are now. We got out, even though we never thought we could. It is joyous to be free.

You can do this, girl! A step at a time Flowers

DancingLedge · 10/07/2017 23:12

It is joyous to be free
Yes, it so is. Even when things go wrong, and you're skint, and it's hard sometimes with the DC when you're on your own, even those times, it is still joyous to be free.

Hidingtonothing · 11/07/2017 15:03

Just for comparison OP I'm a size 20 (was a 10 when I met DH) have fairly crippling depression so my house is a mess and I make no effort with my appearance these days so could be described as having 'let myself go'. My DH has never called me names, commented on my weight or criticised my (lack of) housework skills. There's a pinned post at the top of the relationships topic on here entitled 'Right, listen up everybody' which you really should read, what your DH is doing is anything but normal, it's abusive Flowers

Original poster
soulsearch1ng · 11/07/2017 18:06

thanks all. I made a few phone calls and putting together a plan. I will get out of here. I won't be able to do it overnight but I. determined.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 11/07/2017 18:09

Good for you op. You are as good as anyone else and he has no right to ruin your life. Keep strong.

PurplePeppers · 11/07/2017 18:13

Well done.
This first step requires a lot of courage.
Keep going and remember that you do not have to accept any of that

springydaffs · 11/07/2017 19:57

Oh well done soulsearch. Bravo. Keep going, step at a time xx

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