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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure if this is the right place - DH insists I have a psychiatric disorder

133 replies

soulsearch1ng · 09/07/2017 09:16

Not sure if I should maybe post in mental health.

Things have been difficult with DH for a while. Not sure if it is me of him.

He insists I have a mental/psychiatric illness/disorder and asked me to seek help and told me I must get a formal diagnosis - otherwise he will leave me and the DC as he cannot cope with me anymore.

I really don't think there is anything 'wrong'. Friends never mention anything. I have worked all my life and never had issues at work. My family think I am normal.

Is it still possible that I have something going on that needs treatment? I am starting to doubt myself

OP posts:

mumonashoestring · 09/07/2017 09:38

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc

In a word, no. Not the nice, useful, normal ones.

SocksRock · 09/07/2017 09:38

No my husband does not tell me off like a child! I work part time around the children, he runs his own business more than full time. He still pitches in with the housework. Right now I'm sat on the sofa watching cartoons with the kids, he is hanging laundry on the line. There is nothing wrong with you, you need to leave him.

tccat · 09/07/2017 09:38

Do you have any support? Any friends or family you can talk to?

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/07/2017 09:40

The only "mental health problem" you have is him.
This isn't normal. He is the problem

TheSparrowhawk · 09/07/2017 09:40

If my DH had a problem with something I did he'd talk to me kindly about it. He would never call me fat or say my cooking was shit. He wouldn't threaten to leave me.

Your husband is a shithead

Grimbles · 09/07/2017 09:42

Even if he did suspect you had a mh problem, his behaviour towards you is bang out of line. If he was genuinely concerned you were I'll then he would be approaching it sensitively, not calling you names and making you feel like shit.

Maybe you could book a drs appointment and then tell your 'D'H that you do have a disorder called arseholitis and the cure is kicking his backside out of the door.

Cozycorner · 09/07/2017 09:43

As pp said, why does he think that? What symptoms does he say you are presenting?

We have a family member who had an undiagnosed MH problem for many years but no one was willing to say anything. Eventually things got so bad that her DH gave her an ultimatum and eventually she got help and is doing amazingly well now but it took a lot of convincing as she didn't think there was anything wrong.

Of course that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you OP. Your DH could be totally wrong.

Starlight2345 · 09/07/2017 09:43

A supportive husband would see you are having a bad day and offer to cook tea, do there share of the housework..

Does he cook clean on the weekend when he is off?

Original poster

soulsearch1ng · 09/07/2017 09:44

Right now I'm sat on the sofa watching cartoons with the kids, he is hanging laundry on the line. There is nothing wrong with you, you need to leave him.

I am not allowed to sit down and watch. if he catches me he tells me off and I have to find some more housework to do.

this is bad, isn't it? I have no idea how other people live and what is normal/not normal. this really scares me.

OP posts:

Cozycorner · 09/07/2017 09:45

Sorry OP my phone only showed the first 2 replies.

jeaux90 · 09/07/2017 09:45

OP you husband sounds like the problem. I would bet that if you split up you wouldn't be crying all the time (and yes maybe you are a little depressed but this will also shift if you finish it) why would you want to spend your life being abused like this?

Go get some free legal advice and work out your money situation. You don't need his permission to do anything especially not to divorce him.

MarciaBlaine · 09/07/2017 09:46

He sounds like a complete arse. I am pretty sure there is nothing wrong with you that kicking him out wouldn't cure.

rinabean · 09/07/2017 09:47

that's extremely bad OP. it's very not normal

I'm glad you posted

Werecoyote · 09/07/2017 09:52

Do other husband's never tell their wives off, calling them names etc. It is sort of normal for me. I cannot image a relationship where this is not the case.

No they don't. I'm afraid he's messed with you so badly you have no idea what normal is anymore.

If you are in the U.K. Please look up women's aid and the freedom programme. I promise it will change your life. You absolutely aren't the problem here from what I can see.

If you are unsure about your mental health please go and see a doctor but if you are living with someone who constantly criticises you, tells you off and won't even let you sit down then it's likely any depression you have is linked to that.

HandbagCrazy · 09/07/2017 09:53

OP, he has done this to you so much you're starting to believe him. He isn't a doctor, he has no knowledge of mental health issues. Can't you see that having you on edge, scared and upset benefits him? He can take all his issues out on you, make you responsible for anything that goes wrong and give his bullying ego a boost.

Can I ask, would you ever talk to anyone the way he speaks to you?
No this isn't normal in relationships. For example, I suffer with anxiety and mild depression. I didn't realise it for the longest time, just bumbled along, struggling more and more, genuinely believing that I was a rubbish person, that DH could and should be with someone better and crying on the way to and home from work.
DH's way of approaching this wasn't to berate me! He sat me down, cuddled me, told me he was worried and the changes he had noticed. Asked me if I agreed and would I please see a doctor as he was worried. He booked my appointment (I was too anxious on the phone and couldn't get the words out). He took me there and brought me home. He took over housework while I focused on getting better. He let me rest, came on walks with me, let me vent and cry to him.
That is how you deal with mental health worries in someone you love.

I truly think that if you could just get away from him, even for a week or two, you would have enough space to get him out of your head and realise that this isn't right and you would be perfectly fine on your own 💐

ChilliMary · 09/07/2017 09:56

OP, he sounds terribly abusive. Has he always been like this? He talks down to you, he tells you off and insults you. How would this ever be acceptable. It's not you - it's definitely him, without doubt.

CiderwithBuda · 09/07/2017 09:59

My husband has never told me off. He has never called me names. He cooks more than I do, I do all the laundry etc. He does the supermarket shop about as often as I do. He would never comment on me sitting watching TV or reading or faffing about on mumsnet. He never makes me cry.

It's not a perfect relationship by any means and we argue like most people.

Your DH is abusive.

Original poster

soulsearch1ng · 09/07/2017 10:01

If you are in the U.K. Please look up women's aid and the freedom programme. I promise it will change your life

thank you.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/07/2017 10:04

LTB

WinchestersInATardis · 09/07/2017 10:05

Interestingly, your post could have been mine a few years ago. Stressed about being overweight, not coping with housework and crying all the time with a husband who criticised and said I needed to get psychiatric help.
Life is so much better now. Never did make it to the psychiatrist but I'm much happier and relaxed now husband is an ex and I'm not walking on eggshells any more.
It may actually be worth taking his advice (sort of) and seeing your GP -- see if it's possible to get some talking therapy sessions. Getting to talk things through with an independent observer will help you find your strength again and recognise what's normal and what's not.
I look back now and can't believe what I put up with. When you're in an awful situation and have been for a long time, it's really hard to recognise it for what it is.

DownUdderer · 09/07/2017 10:06

No one, not ever, tells me off! I mean no one!! I get lots of time to myself and to do my hobby (sewing), dh does his hobby too. We both do housework and if I've had a bad day and dh gets home and the flat is a shit tip he doesn't say anything, he will ask me what I want for dinner and get it cooked. I often get in a hot bath after a bad day with the kids and he sorts out bedtime! My dh is wonderful but fairly normal he seems similar to my dad.

BalloonSlayer · 09/07/2017 10:08

Go to the GP and tell him/her exactly what you have said here.

dishwasher71 · 09/07/2017 10:10

Other people live in lots of different ways, yes. There's no 'normal'. But your dh is indeed a nasty bully - the only mental problem you have is him.

Do you have any friends you can rely on? I do really think you'd be happier without this man. The problem is that I imagine he's eroded your self-esteem so far, and made you so anxious, that you won't be able to see the way out.

Do you want to leave him?

tccat · 09/07/2017 10:11

I suspect this is going to be a long slow process for you to really get your head around the fact that this isn't ok and you should leave
Knowledge is power, get in touch with women's aid , read as much as you can online about abusive relationships and how these men operate
Go to Citizens Advice and get some info on how you would stand if you were to leave, they can also find out about counselling/ support agencies that can help you
You've made the first step posting here,so you obviously know things are right
Start confiding in friends, family, get a support system in place around you and take away his power over you

WinchestersInATardis · 09/07/2017 10:11

Oh and something else that resonated for me:
You hear all the time that marriage isn't always easy and that it can take work and that's true but it needs both of you to make the effort.
If all he's doing is criticising and being mean, it doesn't matter how hard you try or how hard you work at your marriage, it won't get better unless he's also willing to make it better instead of blaming you for everything that's wrong.

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