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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just asked me for a written apology....lol

171 replies

nightingalesong35 · 09/07/2017 03:05

My DP is emotionally abusive. He gets angry and "to his limit" as soon as i breathe wrong. During the two years relationship i heard all sorts of crap , nothing is ever good enough. I am lucky he chose me , he d rather choose a hooker than me ( i am worse than a hooker because fifteen years ago i had a child with another man, which i miscarried), i am an embarrassment to his family because another mans sperm was inside me, other people like me because they dont know me like he does, he though i was as clever as him but he realizes that my IQ is around 80 etc etc etc Everything is always my fault , even things that happened before he met me. He is perfect, he knows everything, he will correct me in my job because "he reads the internet and knows", he will get a tantrum if i dont admire him enough when he plays games on pc in fact he will throw tantrums over everything. If i try to talk "i hurt him" and couple of times he even pretended to have heart attack so he can avoid answering about his actions. I could write a book full of his crap. I changed , i became a miserable . scared creature , walking on eggshells , trying desperately to please mr dickhead. Tonight though i exploded .I was cleaning all day and he was asleep. When he woke up he demanded to wait for him to get ready and he didnt even let me finish my sentence because he was busy and he knew what i was going to say. I told him enough and i wont wait for him, i will just finish the housework. I know it wasnt major reason but it was the straw that broke the camels back. He said that i hurt him and he said that he will hold that against me and he is sure that it will cause problems in our relationship. He called me cruel and he demanded an apology in writing if i want to make him feel better. I told him that i dont apologize for nothing and he hang the phone. Ten minutes later he called to tell me that i dont care and that i dont give him what he needs . He needs me to get upset and chase him when he hangs up the phone on me because that shows care. I told him that i am not 12 and that mentality doesnt apply to adults. Mad, mental dickhead

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 07:31

What are you worried about? What makes it hard to end the relationship?

cordeliavorkosigan · 09/07/2017 07:35

It's easier since you don't have kids and you don't live together. Tell him you're done, you don't have to put up with his crap,and you'd like your key back. Have someone with you, if he hasn't yet isolated you from all your friends. If he kicks off call the police. You could have a phone on record, even, for an audio recording, if you think he'll be threatening. Then, go celebrate your new life without this asshole in it! We will cheer you on.

seven201 · 09/07/2017 07:40

You deserve better. Change the locks and send him a message saying you're over and will block his number etc. If a friend told you they were in this situation you would advise the same. Advise yourself and stick to it. You can do it.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 09/07/2017 07:42

Read your post back out loud, as if a friend was saying it to you. Now imagine what you'd say to that friend if she described her relationship like that to you… yes, you'd be telling her to run away as fast as she could. Please, please, please put an end to this awful, toxic, abusive relationship before his words become actions.

Magpie18 · 09/07/2017 07:45

He sounds dreadful, please don't put up with this a moment longer. He is showing you who he really is, please believe him!

Might be useful to try to view your situation "from the outside" - what would you advise a close friend to do? Things can only get better - without him.

PoorYorick · 09/07/2017 07:46

And you are with this prick because.....?

Mamia15 · 09/07/2017 07:46

Block him from all contact and change the locks. If he harasses you, contact the police.

Thestarslookverydifferent · 09/07/2017 07:46

Write your apology, sorry I ruined your life. Goodbye

Lolabee · 09/07/2017 07:54

I'd write him an apology.

I'm sorry you are so delusional you believe you are gods gift to women. I'm also sorry it has taken me this long to realise that the amount of abuse I suffer in this relationship is not even close to ok.
I would apologise for the fact I have changed the locks and packed up your belongings and deposited them with xxx xxx but I'm not sorry at all.

MeganChips · 09/07/2017 07:54

Are you with my ex? So much of what you wrote is horribly familiar. He used to say that the only reason anyone liked me was because I was the lowest common denominator in any situation and I also had to watch him play his stupid games.

I snapped too, he got his letter all right - in the form of a Dear John. I left a 7 year relationship by leaving him a note.

Harness this feeling and ride the wave. Good luck, you can do it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 09/07/2017 07:54

Imaging how different your life would be if he wasn't in it!

You won't feel angry or "in a mood" anymore. You have these feelings because you are anxious- you know he is going to start being nasty to you.

You deserve to live a nice life. Flowers

nachogazpacho · 09/07/2017 07:59

Free yourself from him. He doesn't own you.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/07/2017 08:00

and he is sure that it will cause problems in our relationship

I'm afraid I did want to laugh at that bit. OK, obviously it started nicely because you wouldn't have given the time of day to someone who was awful on your first date, and he's good at convincing you he would be lovely if you... - but he's only taken two years to ramp it up to a catalogue of horrors and you don't even live together yet!

Well done for removing the rose-tinted spectacles, but you do need to do some careful exploration, perhaps with a therapist as a pp suggested, as to why this treatment seemed acceptable to you. (And yeah, I've been there, I'm not moralising at you, it's sincere advice.) Meanwhile, random stranger though I am, I'll take the liberty of begging you not risk getting pregnant by him, because one thing is for certain: it will not turn out all right once you can be "a proper family" together. It may get better for about 5 minutes (until you're properly reeled in) but it will revert to the bad stuff with brass knobs on. Guaranteed.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/07/2017 08:04

I'm struggling to see any reason to be anywhere near this man

GeekyWombat · 09/07/2017 08:06

Your posts like you're starting to see that this is no way to live. Good for you!

Don't chase him, don't put up with this nonsense any longer. We all know you can do better, he sounds like a horrible man.

Just look after yourself if you're ready to make the break OP - get whatever support you need from friends and family in real life and if he has keys to your home get the locks changed.

Good luck!

thethoughtfox · 09/07/2017 08:07

Tell a friend, family member or neighbour the whole truth. It will make it real and harder to keep living like this. Ask them to be with you when you tell him or when he comes over to pick up his things for protection and to keep you strong. You can also call 111 and tell the police you are planning to leave a controlling man and ask for advice and, a police presence when you tell him of you are worried about how he will react. They will also prioritise any subsequent call you make to them about this. Take care.

thethoughtfox · 09/07/2017 08:09

Please leave now before he escalates to moving in, stopping you going out, controlling your money, locking you in, physically intimidating you and then hurting you. You know all the signs are there and he probably does some of these already.

pilates · 09/07/2017 08:12

Op, you know this isn't right. Do you feel you have the strength to end this relationship? Have you got a close friend you could confide in? This relationship is not healthy for your mental wellbeing. Get rid.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2017 08:14

Change your locks, block his number on your phone, send him a letter in the post telling him it is over. Tell him he is not to try to contact you ever again. Keep a copy.

Then get yourself into therapy to get over this relationship.

HotelEuphoria · 09/07/2017 08:23

^ this

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/07/2017 08:27

We have a wise old saying here on mn for just such an occasion-
Fuck off cuntychops.
(I'm not advocating actually saying this, but try it in your head-see makes you feel better)
Just do what everyone else said-bag his stuff, change locks, note saying "this isn't working, don't contact me again" block and breathe.
He will try and ramp up the ea, ignore it all. If he gets nasty, police.

bimbobaggins · 09/07/2017 08:29

I don't understand why you would stay in an awful,controlling relationship. You aren't married,living together or have kids, get the hell out now before you do.
You deserve so much better than to be treated like this, believe in yourself and you will be better off alone than putting up with this shit

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 08:34

He sounds like a real catch.. Hmm why would you stay with him?

PurplePeppers · 09/07/2017 08:38

Change your lock and tell him he isn't welcome in your house ever again.
Then block his number/change your tel number.

You CAN leave this guy. Read your OP again. Read it and ask yourself , if your best friend was taking about their DP in this way, what would you advise her to do? If it was your child?
Please treat yourself like you would your best friend and dump this guy before he hurts you even more.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 09/07/2017 08:39

Omg, why the fuck are you putting up with this utter twat!?
You are in a very fortunate position with no kids and not living together, all you have to do is:

Change your locks
Bag his stuff and leave outside his place
Text to say its over

It really is as simple as that, forget the fear for one minute and think about it.Flowers

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